(Phoom!)
Not again. Oh, wait, it's him again...Austino, Pick Me...Pick Me...
(Phoom!)
U thought u were gonna get a whole lot more outta me, right. Yeah, this pretty much sums up my life. High hopes, leading to big time disappointments. Hoping that one day I would get outta this pit of darkness. I mean, not only is it dark, but it's just so cold in here. I thought this was South Beach?!! Tha home of bikini wax's and 12-pack abs. One can only dream. Lately, I don't even know what's going on outside. Every once in awhile somebody makes a cameo, and let's me know what's going on in tha real world. I've had some weird ones stop by. Like tha other day, this tall looking dude stopped by, and said he was studying to be an Aid for catching Gators. I mean, who does that? Shouldn't he be on Animal Planet or something instead of trying to get a piece of my block?!! He's stealing my thunder. It's crazy. But...wait...
Hey, take a look Galaxia?!!
(Phoom!)
I don't get it. I don't get it at all. Well, tha lights are off. Ain't nothing to do in here. Guess I'll Arm wrestle Hammer again. Lately he's been acting weird. I think he's been secretly cooking or as he calls it "Baking" up some kind of illegal stuff. He says it's so clean that u can brush ur teeth with it, but dude to me it looks like he's about 2 hours away from become an addict. Coke kills, dude. I mean, a few months ago, a homeboy by tha same name made a stop by our little joint in here. And Galaxia had to throw him out! Yeah, he's was all hyper, sweating, mean, he was so messed up, he showed up here wearing a red dress on with this white banner wrapped around him, like he just won tha Mr. Pops beauty pageant. He was a bad influence on tha rest of us, so he had to go. I mean, I'm not tha violent type, but even I thought about popping open his can a few times. Can't blame Galaxia for tossing him out.
So ur probably wondering what's this place like? I don't know if I should even tell ya, you've interviewed everybody else before me. I mean that chick named 'Toast'...Ha!! Like she really knows what it's like to be with this Galaxia fellow. Then u had the nerve to go to that correction center and interview that No. 2 fellow. He don't know nothing, with his pink 'do. He can't even decide what to do with his hair, so how can he give u tha really real about this Galaxia fellow. Me, on tha other hand, I've seen some stuff. It's dark in here, but grab a seat. Move over Tropical Ana. This girl here... we call her that cuz she thinks she's South American, but we all know she was born down here in America. Stop frontin', u ain't fooling nobody. She be like, "I can prove it" and she begins to run down her DNA lie. "I'm 120% type C, and 6% Magna.", and all this stuff. I tell her straight up, just because everybody likes to pick u, and squeeze ya, and u like to pour out ur love to any and everybody that has $3.99 doesn't make u better than all tha rest of us. Alright...There u go relax and take a seat.
If u need some extra light, just reached up there and touch that triangle thingy. U gotta hold it, cuz if u let go...
(Click.)
See, that's what happens. This Galaxia guy is so cheap, he doesn't even leave tha light on for us. Believe u me, this is far from a Red Roof Inn. Take a look around, it looks empty don't it. But we try to have a little fun with this "Bareness". Try not too make it seem too much like Skid Row, even though it does feel like it though. But...
"How would u describe this setup?"
How would I describe this setup? That's a heck of a question. We actually have two levels. I'll get into that later. But down here, is like tha normal folks. We have my girl, Miss Olive over there, who we all call 'Pickle'. She looks more like 'Relish' but if she answers to 'Pickle' then that's what we'll continue to call her. She be holding back on a playa though. U know how hard it is to spring open that jar! And u know she has tha good good, I mean she don't eat no sugar or nothing. Gave up on tha High Fructose... Which is just Splenda by me...I toss them red peppers before it's all said and done. Then over sitting next to "Pickle" is this Italian cat, that be bringing home all his cousins to visit. They are just too weird for me. Ok, one of them is so, like very rude. They say that his parents were like brother and sister, and we know how that goes. Some kind of weird Garden Combination they had evidently. Whenever he hears that these Italian girls Barilla or Ronzoni are like anywhere in tha area, he's always tha first to run out. It's crazy.
Wait, here's our chance...Pick Me? Come On, Galaxia...Pick Me...
(Phoom!)
Anyways...
"Doesn't that get old?"
Part of tha life. Just part of tha life. Now one person I really love is good old Frenchy. Man, that chick is so hot...Alright, she has like tha sexiest skin, like half yellow, but brown too. Check out how she rocks that black cap, straight outta a French Magazine. Plus, she has some spice in her. She's my dream girl. I hear u can take her anywhere too. Like she's down for whatever food, I mean, burgers, hot dogs, tator tots, she's just tha bomb. Word around this place is that she's dating Mr. Kraft, who was this old-school BBQ chef type of dude. Don't like it one bit. They always be seen fooling around at picnics, or Burger Bashes, it makes me want to throw up just to think about it. What's a man who goes around smelling like smoked molasses doing with a dime piece like that? I tell ya, life ain't fair. But I'm gonna squirt Frenchy, just watch.
Yeah we got some oldies but goodies, who decided to stop by. Had like 6 young thugs, come into here just a few days ago. I tried to tell Galaxia, that we're over them, but he decided to take a chance again. But these kids are nothing but trouble. They're Sixtuplets. Is that even a word? U get tha picture, and they are always rapping some 50 Cent song. I guess they're like his Daddy or something. I asked Coco Aqua who used to strip back in tha day, and she told me that they were his kids. I asked Coco, how they get that Orange skin tone, and she just told me that they Baby Mama is claiming Fitty as tha Pops just for tha dineros. Sad. They take their Vitamins and I, even I, every once in a while I try to convince them that aren't total Zero's and how they can be somebody if they put their street mentality to tha side. We shall soon see. Then u got this guy from, out west or something. From Organic Valley, somewhere...This cat is all big and strong. Has like 2% body fat. This dude claims to be Pastured-Fed, so I guess as a baby he ate only grass, which is beyond my comprehension. I mean, as a baby u don't eat grass, I thought u smoked it? At least that's what I've heard. But dude needs some Gerber's or something. He doesn't say too much, but just his presence makes tha rest of us, I guess be on edge. The new ones are always quiet.
In this bunk bed right above me. (Knock! Knock!) is my homedude, Arnold. This guy is so cool, and not just because he's so rich. I know money ain't everything, but he's got mad bread bro. All tha girls like him, Bonnie from next door especially. We talk about so much stuff. He told me tha other day, that his dream day would involve running butt naked through every aisle at Target. Or as he said, "I want them to really see my buns!!" And he also said he would like to end that day by having a, and I don't know if I can say this on video, but a threesome with this Welch's chick and her best friend Jif, who they claim to be on tha fence, if u know what I mean. The both of us were up talking late one night, and he just talked until he just about got stale about how he just wishes that Galaxia would bring those two in here. Talking about all tha ooozing that would go down and how he really wants 2 get into that Welch's girl, cuz evidently in his mind, they have some kind of past. Rumor has it that when Arnold first saw her, that line he used was, "Girl...that must be jelly, cuz jam don't shake like that!" She smiled, they talked, but she had to go to this party thrown by her cousin at tha Juice Bar. Everyday since though, Big A has been dreaming about her.
Ah...
(Phoom!)
Over there are these dudes, I don't know. They are really quiet. Old Man Mott's used to live over there. And he was cool, telling us stories about tha old Apple Orchards, and how he used to party ever so hard. He told us one time how him and that now star...Um...Um...Starts with a 'T'.
"Tylenol??"
Yeah, Old Man Mott's would say how him and that Tylenol guy would set any party off whenever they arrived. Spooning, Dipping...Nothing held them back. He would tell me, "Son, tha best thang about a girl, are her nuggets." Heck, I didn't know if he was talking about her money or her pom poms! But tha guy was a absolute Genius. But the guys up there now. They don't even come out and hang with us. Heard they from D.C., or at least they claim they're from tha White House. There's a whole lot of stuffy tenants in here. Just tha other day, some guy named Oreo decided to join us. I hear he's into cookies but he's never opened up about it. Crazy. He claims that he's tha Birthday Cake for Galaxia. Saying how he knows how Galaxia like to have his "Funfetti", and how he likes nothing buy Blondes, so that's why he's here. Galaxia like all types of women from what I hear, but from tha cover that he keeps on showing us, once he gets off his sweet little horse, and shares tha love, he just might be my type of guy. That might be a great night to call Hershey and Blue Bell up. Huh...
"And upstairs?"
Those guys. Most of those folks up there are outta town at tha moment. But U got Alexia, whose ever so fine. And her sweet potatoes...Man...And u should see when they get frozen...Just a total Babe! ...Let's see, u got Jennie-O..."J-E-N-N-I-E Ohh!" Sorry, I luv to sing her name. She's like a 2nd mother to all of us. Making sure we eat right, she gives us at least 2 meals a week of this White Turkey stuff. It's good. Love her, for real. Then u got tha family called Tha Eggo's. I don't know what to make of them. Have some weirdness about them as well. I mean, who gets joy having syrup poured over them every...single...day. Especially tha Sugar-free kind. That ain't my definition of fun. Then I be downstairs, and I can hear all ten of them, constantly fighting. Saying tha same thang, over and over, "Leggoo, it's mine." or "No! U Leggoo it's mine!!" Gets old. Galaxia even told me tha other day that if tha Pops didn't help him start his day, like he does, he woulda been thrown them out. This place is alright. Just whenever we have some extra space in our place, I'm constantly telling Galaxia to get some real folks in here. For instance, I know this hot Indian chick from Land O Lakes is just begging to come here to stay. But Galaxia says she's trouble, cuz he claimed he could tell the first time they met each other, that she seemed like she'd melt under tha pressure. I guess also it didn't help when she demanded that tha house add a tub. She refused be normal and just stick to tha foil. Crying shame, She was high-maintenance, but she was mad beautiful. Lots of people want to get in, but I know deep inside...they'll never make it in this place.
"So how have u survived?"
Hope. See, Galaxia bought me a little bit ago. He's never pulled me out. Like, I've been his special joy. He claimed that tha day that his life begins to sky rocket, is tha day that tha both of us, are gonna party like never before. When I was first brought in, I was actually hurt. Something happened at this party on Star Island, and I twisted something. So I had to be put on ice for awhile. Galaxia would come in, and check on me. Most of tha time I was sleep, so he had to give me a little shimmy shake to wake me up. I would just lean on my side, thinking this was tha life. Living in South Beach, inside the home of one of tha game changers in tha Galaxy, it couldn't get any better. But then tha days turned into months. And tha months into years...And now I just wonder if that party he promised me would ever happen. People have come and gone. Some folks have gotten tossed out. I mean, I've seen it all. Tha names are endless...Colonel Sanders and his coop, this cute pony tail girl name Wendy...Tha entire racing teams of Rally's and Checker's...Tha guy is ruthless. He once refused to let tha Priest Papa John stop by for a simple talk, just because Galaxia claimed just tha thought of tha sauce he was gonna be serving up was making his stomach turn sick. That was messed up too cuz my man, Tyson, who was staying upstairs was going through a mad divorce thang. He was just speechless, like frozen in time. But, that's what happens when u get hung up on Ms. Perdue. Worrying so much who and what she's seeing down here...it can drive a man crazy.
Wait...Oh, who-is-this? Ba-by girl, please pick....
(Phoom!)
So everyday, I've been waiting. It's been a patient wait, in tha dark, seeing Galaxia choosing so many others before to kick it with. There's only one person who he wishes would stop by, and that's this Roman dude nicknamed Little Caesar. He claims that he knows his family very well, and even though he repeats everything he says. Like I talked to him on tha phone once and asked him what he did, and he just replied, 'Pizza! Pizza!' It threw me off, so then I asked what his favorite was and he said, 'Meatsa! Meatsa!' Tha little fellow has some problems, I mean who wears a toga in this day and age?! But, that's his style, and that's Galaxia's boy for...shall we say, 'Life-Life!' I just wish I could get outta here...
Wait. Tha lights are on.
Uh-oh! This could be it. Keep tha cameras rolling. This could this be tha day, that tha party begins.
He's looking at me....He's reaching for me...And....And...
Yes! So long suckers! Adios! Well, I guess it's time to party. Dude...Ok, Galaxia, u can put me down. Listen, I get better with time....Alright, I was born in Tuscany...Naw, don't clear off ur floor. Don't move tha table. Don't move tha rug, hey that's a nice shag... I can't believe this, I'm being shaaaaakeed...and I feel my cork about to be....
(Sissss....)
Guess tha tape ran out. And that little TV documentary in 2013, my friends was tha start of a party that hasn't ended since. So while u are in here, just remember, that I too was in your shoes. All alone in tha darkness. Felt cold all tha time. Seemed like I would never get out. But finally, I was pulled from my despair and rescued by a Galaxian hand. Now I'm living tha life. And I always want u 2 remember this...
A great bottle of Champagne is a lot like a Great Lover. They both get better with time.
And...As I've learned...The best ones are often found after tha long wait.
And...As I've learned...The best ones are often found after tha long wait.
Let's Get It Poppin'!
Galaxia.
No comments:
Post a Comment