"AND'S HERE'S YOU HAT, NOW GET ON UR SADDLE AND BE GONE. U'RE NEVER GONNA WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN! YOU'RE FIRED!!"
(Door Slams)
Well u know what, u're gonna pay for this! This just ain't fair, like never in...That's was the best job I had. That's all I knew. They got rid of me, just because of some silly idea, or at least they thought it was silly. As for me, I thought it was genius. Now look at me..(Swop! Swop! Swop!) Gotta dust off all this dirt on me, I mean he literally threw me out into this dusty road. I can't believe it. Let me mosey over to this bar, I need a cold one. Like right now. Is it open? Know it's during tha day, but surely Jim has to be inside....
(You got to..Know when to hold 'em...Know when to fold 'em...Know when to walk away...and know when to run....)
Ain't that symbolic of my day. They got Tha Gambler playing in tha juke box. Simply great.
"Howdie, Superstar! Whadda have on today? Tha u-sur-al?"
Big Jimbo, it's been a bad one. I mean a really, really bad one. What's tha strongest thang u got?
"Well, Blue Chip, we got this here old Whisky. Ah, that's for when a girl says no on tha first date. Ah...we got this here Old Bulldog...that's for when she leaves ya...And this Shoot 'Em 777 is for when she throws ur name as being no good throughout tha street. Now whicha one does that fit for u Son?"
I need all three.
"All three it is. What's tha madda wit u Tin Pin. Last time u was in here, Shoot, I had to run u outta here, cuz all them fellows were mad cuz u were getting all tha ladies. That was a justa last a weeka. Now you's a coming in hea all teary eyed, and droopy, them ladies didn't give u none of that sicky sick did they? U know what happens when u knock them boots!"
I wish. I just told my Dad that I didn't want be a cowboy anymore.
"U did whahh?!! Don't want to be a cowboy anymore? Boy, u were born to be a cowboy, I mean when u came out of ur Mother's womb, u had little spurs on ur feet, I was there and halfway thought something was wrong with ya, but...U's were born to be a cowboy. That's who u are...That's who u's family is as well. I mean look at this here wall."
Can u just pour me those three shots, please.
"I will, but justa looka behinds me. You got........"
(WE'RE GOING STRAIGHT TOO...THA WILD WILD WEST!...WE'RE GOING STRAIGHT TOO...)
Huh? I can't hear you Jim?
"You got...."
(WE'RE GOING STRAIGHT TOO...THA WILD WILD WEST...WE'RE GOING STRAIGHT...)
Huh? I can't hea...
Bam! Bam! (Shots Fired In tha Air!)
"Hey, if you guys don't turn down that racket, I'm gonna throw u young geezers out. U don't know me, I'm tha craziest Son of A Gun this side of Mississippi. I'll shoot u dead in tha toosh. Now, put the theme for Dallas back on tha Jukebox, or else I'm tossing everybody out!...As I was saying Can't Miss, this here picture is of...."
That was mad cool Jimbo. But u gotta ease up on tha kids. It's a new generation, they into Will Smith now, and watching Cocaine Cowboys and eating...
"Don't u even say it! Boy, Don'ts u even say it. I know they's a eating Slim Jim for ah's protein now, but when I was around we ate it like it was supposed to be eating. For tha snap! Now Brisco County will ya, let me get with tha's pics...This one here was ur pops, when the Lone Ranger and Tonto came to town. And this one is..."
Johnny Depp was here?!! Pops never told me about that.
"See, that's ur problem, u gotten so Hollywood or whatever, that's a you's done forgot ur heritage. Besides, who is Johnny Deep? Moving on, u got this one here with me and good old Gene Autry. He was he came in here once and ordered five eggs sunnyside up side order of tha greasiest bacon u'll ever find in this hea Texas, and a Bloody Mary to match. Tha best, he was tha best. Then we got a autographed photo of Clint. No introduction needed...And last but not least, the three toughest Cowboys the West has ever, I do mean ever seen...Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, Michael Irvin. Boy them boys knew how to handle them pigskins...Handle them! On and off tha field, if u's a knows what I mean."
Can we get back to my problem, instead of going back into tha history of tha Mason-Dixie? Now, this West out here Jimbo, just ain't what it used to be. I used to be able to saddle up to a Cowgirl, and she would give me tha number to her ranch, and I just clop on over. Now, these girls got cell phones and all this stuff. Jimbo, I feels like I was born in a different time. I mean, I pulled up to tha drugstore the other day...
"U did say u wanted all three right?"
Yeah. So I had my horse with me, and parked right in tha front cuz I was a just a running in to gets me some chew and I came out, and tha off-i-cer was giving me a ticket. Pinned it right on tha horse's a...
"I get tha picture. Here u go. Drink them down slow, alright."
Ah!!! One down. Two to go. After I saw that, I figure it's time for me to leave this Cowboy thang. I'm new generation anyway, I mean, I got dreams.
"Dreams? Boy, dreams are for has-beens, and never-was, ain't nobody from this town ever made it big."
What about Cindy?
"Cindy 'Open Wide' Frisco? Her name proceeded her, Chief, I mean Cowboy, don't mess with her."
But she's in all these videos, with Chris Brown, Trey Songz, and she's like becoming famous.
"Who are these-a people Kit Kat? So what do u wanna do?"
I wanna...(Gulp!) Draw. Ahh!!!
"Well, if that ain't a bullet shot that was never fired...Like tha Charlie Brown type of stuff!! Boy u ain't no Picasso?! Oh, man, I think I'm gonna need a shot after hearing all this mumbo jumbo. I think I need to get tha Moon Shine out for this one. I's a just can't believe what this kid done told me."
It's true, and I have tha character name for it and everything....Tha Texas Cyclone.
"Who??? Let me just tell ya straight...Son, u needs a stop hanging around tha stables. I's a think, tha horse manure don't got to ya."
U got a better idea.
"Let me tell you a story. Drink up that last shot u done nears got, and let me explain. I think u're taking tha easy dirt road out, by just hanging it all up. I really do. Times have changed yes, but there is still a needs for a cowboy, a real Cowboy. U give up too easily, Texas Toast. U really do. Like I said, u were born to be a cowboy, and now u feel like ur out ah...dated? Of sort. That's what makes u unique. Those spurs, tha way u walk in a room, how u let tha girls hold ur pistol, they like that, and from what's I's a hear, a lot. And what I like about you, is that you's never shoot blanks. Always on tha money. Now, this hea drawing thang, that's just something to take up ur time, U need to be you. The world needs you. There's only one, so live Texas Two-Step, live."
Huh. But what about these Cowgirls, I mean, just last week I had like four on my arm. Now today, I have none. Why? They done milked tha cow clean.
"Girl talk. Can't live with 'em, and...I done forgot tha rest. Be yourself. Listen, I got here's my rules to wrangling tha Cowgirl of ur dreams...Here they go on tha wall behind ya.....
1. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make 'em bend over. Be urself. And not throw urself all out there. If she wants you, at least let her want u for who u are.
2. Don't mistake a saloon for tha only salon. Just because u come in here and don't walk out with a stallion doesn't mean there aren't other possibilities here Sparks. This is just one of ur options, sometimes us guys figure this is tha only spot, and if u's a don't find anything, it's hopeless. U never know, who u might run into down that dirt road.
3. Rope 'Em In. No matter what these Cowgirls say, they want to be handle...correctly. Show them ur different, do some rope tricks or some Quick-Draw McGraw stuff. It works. It works.
4. In a shootout with Love, expect to get shot. Sometimes u Cowboys think you's a invincible. But it may not happen today, or it may not 2 have happened ah's a yet. But u will get shot. And u will get hurt. The quicker u accept that tha easier it is to move on when it does, ah, happen.
5. Tha first time's free, everythang else has a cost. I learned that from my girl Betty, who used to own a brothel rite up there. The prettiest thangs this side of Venus. Pride kills Son. U got to put pride out tha way, and allow ur heart to pay tha price to play.
6. Order another round if u don't want tha suds to fade. Once u get this Cowgirl, Son, u got to keep it interesting. Don't just take her to tha same places, and do tha same things. Keep tha suds flowing. The worse thing is to get boring, Do something new...everyday.
7. Ride tha wagon u came on. Son, sometimes tha ranch on tha other side, ain't what it seems. If u find a good Cowgirl, stick with her. Be patient, and don't be so quick to trade her in. At least give it a honest try, before u look to semi-greener pastures."
What happened to tha rest? Tha board looked like it was torn off.
"Well, this young cowboy Austino Galaxia, u don't ah...knows a him, but he came in here, and took 'em. Yep. Right off tha wall, cuz he said they were speaking dead to him."
Well, what were they?
"Just for you Son...I'm doing this just for you....
8. A gaze into tha stars can beat a ride into the woods. Cowboys have a tendency Son, to always be looking ahead. Stay in tha moment and cherish those carefree moments with ur Cowgirl. And sometimes the best moments can happen when you's a looking up to tha sky. That's when dreams are formed, and where's ah, connections are made. Try it!
9. A Cowboy shouldn't be known solely on his pistol's reputation. Cowboy's have egos, I know I used to have a big one. That's funny! But, you need to be known for something else. Whether it's ur style, how u talk, the words you use, sooner or later a Cowgirl wants something more than just a "Bang, Bang, Bang!" Always remember, Son, a good Cowboy shoots whenever he feels the want to. A great Cowboy shoots whenever he feels tha need to. Remember that Son.
And the last one...was...was...Oh, I remember....
10. The loneliest nightfall comes right before the most crowded daybreak. Have u ever been out like in tha woods, Son? And felt that u were all alone, only to wake up and find all kinds of animals, and insects and sometimes people around you. Well, that's love too. Sometimes, Superstar, u find urself thinking that this is tha worse of tha worse. And nobody knows how it feels. But that's when u'll wake up and find that u're not alone. That's one, Ah, definition of that saying. The other one, is that when u have your most difficult night, that's when ur new life is about to come. As me and that Austino Galaxia fellow were talking he told me, 'Jimmy, always remember, when u have ur toughest episode with ur heart, that means ur next one is gonna be ur best.' I agree, with that little fellow. I definitely agree.
Time to close up shop. I gotta go into town to pick up a few things. Good talking with ya Youngster."
Thank you, I needed tha talk. Guess I'm gonna give this Cowboy thang a try after all.
"U're welcome ah, Sonny. You's a truly welcome."
That Austino Fellow.
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