"NUMBER 2, YOUR DINNER IS READY."
Look, I used to be a star, now I'm reserved to being a number. I can't believe that I'm in this place. This is where they put all the has beens, those that are all broken up, or all those fiends that have just run outta ink so to speak. This isn't a place for me. THIS ISN'T THA PLACE FOR ME!! This is all that Austino Galaxia fellows fault. He threw me to the side a long time ago, about two years to be exact. Ever since, I've been spinning out of control. Like, my mind just doesn't function the same as it once did. Just my look alone, I was born with naturally pink hair. Now, on top of me having Rodman hair, I now also don a pink skull cap on top. Just so there aren't any mistakes, u know what I mean. Then I rock two green bandannas underneath, just because that's how Tha Boz used to do it back in tha 80s. Seems as if I've grown shorter since I've been in here too. It's just crazy. Really crazy.
"Number 2, u gonna eat all them mashed potatoes?"
I guess not. I mean if I tell you know, ur just gonna call ur boys to come over to do me in. I can handle one, but to have 63 of ur buddies come over to help, not tha kid. So...(Tray sliding accross the table), help urself. That guy is such a fake thug. Everybody in here calls him El Crayola. He used to run with some Latin cats back out in LA back in tha day. He think he runs this joint. People are always scared of him, because of the stories they hear about him. One time, evidently, he got into it with this local store owner name Michael's. Yes, his name had an apostrophe in it. That in and of itself is so Napa Valley west coast...Anyway, El Crayola and this Michael's got into a big argument about something. Word is it had something to do with his daughter Rose Art. She broke up with this guy and Michael's didn't want him in tha store again. This dude went crazy! Knocking over stuff, setting things on fire, it was a very bad situation. Cops had to be called in, and they tried to spray him, but this guy had on some kind of waterproof gear on that I only thought could be found on tha backs of seals, anyway...they ended up tazing him. And here he is. Running things like this is Alcatraz. Just crazy.
Might as well give u the ghetto tour of this place. Of all places, they got me hemmed up in a Correction facility. That's like too funny, almost symbolic of my life really. So here we are in tha dining area. Every once in awhile they serve good food, but mostly not...I get so disrespected in here. On Friday's, that's considered Pizza night. We all gather around, and watch old TV episodes of Win, Lose or Draw and we finish the night off playing Pictionary. We have fun. But what gets me is that every time they want to order the pizza, they just flat out disrespect me. Like I immediately am like, Let me take everybody's order down, and they just shoot down that idea saying that they are going to order online. That just burns me up so much! Just want somebody to just chew on me, that's how angry I get.
U got the bathroom over there. In that corner, u got where the so called paper gangstas hang out. Shootin' dice, and playing cards for cigs. It is kind of crazy in here, I mean I do...And please don't tell nobody...But I am packing a little bit of lead. Just in case folks wanna get brave and start a race riot or something, and yell out, "White Out Fool!" Believe you me, I'm gonna be all up in that as..
'What's up baby! U still gonna visit tonight. U know I can't wait.' (Kiss on tha cheek)
Now that right there. I want to scribble her so bad, u just don't even know! Man, I don't care how she does me short-handed, long-handed, I just need to...Man!!! But just look at her. Alright. First off, she's so thick. I luv me a little woman with curves. One time I dated this chick, and she was all into this Tofu and Wasabi peas, I just got so tired of dating a bland PaperMate, I needed a real woman. So her body is banging. Then look how she dresses. She always wears tha same thing, but she's so hot in it. White blouse, and Blue skirt. And dude, the word around here is that she's a big time freak. She likes it, not one, not two, not even three, but four ways my dude! If that wasn't enough this girl is so good, that she can switch her hair, depending on how u like it. Like she can go from her natural Black...to Blue, then if u like that South Beach freak look, she can hit u with a Green, and if u really wanna go all out, she has that lady of the night Red color that means she's about to do tha fool. I heard that a lot of school teacher's back in tha day who used to mess with her preferred that Red color. That might be just rumors though. Me personally, I don't mind what color she rocks, I just want to get her back to my room, turn every single light off, and hear her moan..."Click...Click...Click!" Gotta get her dude. I've's got to get her...
This joint is alright, but you probably want to know more about me, and how I ended up in this place. Alright, let me kinda start from the beginning. For like 20 years I worked for Scantron, which is a factory up in Pennsylvania. They called me "The Tester" and that was my job. I was to make sure that everythang was Kosher. That's funny, guess I was kind of a "playa" in there as well. Like I would get the numbers of some of my co-workers, who were slick cuz they knew that dating co-workers wasn't allowed under company policy, so they would give me their digits in code like, "ADB-BAC-CCDA", and I was off and running. Until one day, my boss caught me with this chick, and we would've been cool, but she got to squealing on me. She was literally crossing off name after name out of my mental black book. Guess that sounds all to familiar. Next thing I knew it, my boss chewed my butt down to size, and then I was gone.
"9:00 baby! And don't forget to bring a rubber. I don't want your finger to get all dented in like tha last time."
Oh, you need to worry more about just my fingers getting dented in! This chick...Anyways, that leads to yours truly. I was along the side of the road one day having hitchhiked from Pittsburgh to this crazy town in Illinois named Rockford. My soul was just so tired, and just thought about giving up. I mean, I actually did try to commit suicide. One day, I was on the side of I-94, and I just decided to roll myself in the middle of the highway, just saying to myself, 'Pop Me! Just somebody Pop Me!!' But next thing I knew it I just rolled harm-free to tha other side of the highway. I took it as a sign from God that I still had work to do. That's when like 3 hours later, the future star of stars Austino Galaxia found me. Yep! On the side of tha road. We talked a little bit, and he discussed how he was thinking about keeping a diary of his, I don't know, "Hollywood" life. He always says that. At the moment he was also considering hiring this guy Bic for the job, but he said that he likes projects. He knew that I needed some sharpening up, but was willing to give me a try.
So that was like, ah...the year 2000. Me and him became really, I mean really close. He took me everywhere he went basically, I've ridden in tha back of basketball team buses, trunks of cars, bathrooms, hotel rooms, u name it, and I've been there. And even though I don't like to admit it, Galaxia was cool. Like for instance, everybody knows Galaxia's love life is hands down like one-of-a-kind, so he would switch I guess "partners" every so often, just to keep things fresh. To top it off, right when he would get a new one, he would let me "doodle in her", that was his exact phrase, just to make sure that she was a keeper. Ah, those were the good ol' days. But me and him talked about everything. Very personal stuff, that only him and me and I guess his "partner" would know about. I was with him through it all. Even when we came down here to Miami. Folks were telling me that he was gonna leave me behind. And we did have a few months were we just needed some air, but after that last episode where basically a girl who was gay was falling for him, and he for her, he needed to know that somebody was gonna be real with him for this big trip. He ultimately decided to bring me along...
And what a ride it was.
I mean, I was living in South Beach. He told me about all these places he was looking to move to, all tha girls that he was meeting on a daily basis, we would stay up and play Hangman together, and just talk and talk...It was the ultimate. Until one day, he brought home this one girl named Sone-knee. I can't spell it, but I can for doggone sure pronounce it. He picked her up...I think that's the wrong expression, but he met her at a freakin' Best Buy out in South Miami. And we all know how those South Miami girls can be! (Wink!) So I was basically asleep, then the door opened up, and she was with him. Something inside of me wasn't write. Then she took off all this cotton and protection, I'm thinking who does she think she is, Cruella De Vil? She had that perfect white skin, and she enjoyed the camera, carried one on her all the time, she was fast, new aged, Internationally born, all these qualities that I know Galaxia digs. He would leave the room, and she would just stare at me. Like she was hibernating. And then she would smile cuz she knew that in due time, she was gonna take over his life, and I would be history.
Hold on, I need to get up and get me a 7-Up...U want anything?...Ok. U know this Dot character that 7-Up uses is my cousin, right?! Yeah...(Da Doom Doom! Pop drops from machine.) We go back, from like since the beginning of time..So I'll...(Gulp! Gulp! Gulp!)...Ahh! So I'll never forget that day, it was April the 26th, 2011, when Austino wakes me up in the morning to tell me tha bad news. He told me that he no longer needed my services and that he was gonna do this online thang with his new baby, Sone-knee. Tha kid saw the writing on tha wall, so I already had my things ret-2-go. I didn't do nothing but call up my girl Cindy Val Sanchez up, who we all nickname, "CVS", and asked her, if that offer of whenever I needed some help, she would have an empty shelf waiting for me was still on. She told me tha offer still stands, and I rolled up outta there.
But I didn't last long, like I hooked up with some people who weren't right for me. They would get me all drunk, I mean people told me that I was bent all tha time. Got so out of control one night, that I remember being stuck up people's noses, and ears, it was nasty, but when u go home with those cheap Stencil chicks who want you to do any and everything to them, this is what u land urself in. That was my worse night...And that's when I knew I needed some help.
That leads me to here. I mean...(Gulp! Gulp!) Ahh!...The funny thing is people still let me in on what's going on with that Galaxia guy and Sone-knee. That...chick. I can't say what I wanna say about her. She thinks she's tha only one, but my sources are constantly telling me there are others. Like, just on today, Galaxia is trying to figure out about this one girl who keeps coming in and out...and seemingly back into his life. He keeps on writing about her...One day she's blacklisted...Now on today, she comes up to him, and flashes that flawless smile with her model face, and now he's back into her. If I was around, this thang woulda been settled by now...But that's what happens when u have tha life of Galaxia, it's a different episode with a girl seemingly everyday. And I mean that. This Sone-knee chick...she's about to hit tha bricks too. It's just a matter of time Honey...Just a matter of time...
"ALRIGHT, ALL VISITORS HAVE GOT TO LEAVE IN 2 MINUTES."
Guess that means this night is coming to an end. Gonna do some crosswords, before "Miss Click" come over around 9. Hey, thanks for stopping by, people sometimes forget about me. They read Galaxia's diary and see all his fame, and think he got all that by himself. But I was there from the beginning, and I have a feeling that one day he's gonna come back to me and visit. And I'll be ready, I've been practicing, making sure I'm sharp, cuz we make an unstoppable team. Yeah, Galaxia and Sone-knee is pretty good, I must say. But there won't ever be anything like the beginning, where it was just...
Austino Galaxia...And Good Ol' Number 2.
It never will be.
Austino Galaxia.
2 Finger Kiss from my lips 2 yours!
Bye.
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