I know, I know. But me and my husband have been married for over...like 50 years now, and he's never asked me to do anything...Ah...like this. My family grew up in South Carolina in the heart of tha Bible Belt, and I understand He wants to add some fun to our lives, I know, but this one is new even for me. I'm no Spring Chicken anymore, Doctor, I'm more like a Winter Hen. What you do for love, right, What you do for love...
'Very true, Mrs. Carpenter...Very true. So tell me, what actually happened?'
Well...He came home one evening from the corner store with a bag of groceries in his hand. Needed some flour and Vanilla for my Red Velvet Cake I was gonna make for the girls down at tha Bingo Hall this Wednesday. You play Bingo, Doctor?
'No. No, I don't...Please, Go on.'
Well, he walked in, and us old country women could sense when a man has something on his mind.
'How is that?'
Well, he sneezed, and then wiped his nose without using a tissue. Yep, my old Grandma who was married to a Mine worker in West Virginia told me that, years ago. Yep. They were married 70 years. Can you believe that. All that dust, and smoke...Ate tha same thing everyday. Coffee. Toast with Grape Jam, and I mean real jam not this Lower Sugar stuff they have now...Did you know that Winn-Dixie has Preservatives on sale this week 2 for $4? Uh-huh. That's still too much. Uh-huh. And the price of pecans, you know my Aunt grew up in Georgia. Right there outside of Savannah. And she's probably rolling over twice in her grave if she were to see these here prices now. Uh-huh. Doctor...Seven dollars for a pack of pecans?!!...And then a loaf of bread. When I was young a loaf of bread cost me...
'No disrespect, Mrs. Carpenter, but I do have other clients later this afternoon. Plus, there's a Grey Anatomy marathon scheduled that I forgot to set my DVR for, so can you just tell me what happened on the other night with your husband.'
Oh! I'm sorry, the ladies at the FOP Lounge always say that I'm always rambling. We play Gin Rummy every Tuesday. Uh-huh. Once we were in the middle of a game, and Theresa yelled out, 'Betty, stop all that rambling, and show us your cards.' Now a trick I learned from this old Army gal, was to hide ur cards in your bra. See, they never see them and they never know. So, I dug my hand into my bosoms, and pulled out 3 Aces. Now they say a bird in tha hand beats two in a bush. But on that night I learned, 3 Aces in your Grab Bags, beat 2 Kings in your...
'MRS. CARPENTER!!! YOUR HUSBAND! YOUR HUSBAND! CAN WE GET BACK TO YOUR FREAKIN' HUSBAND?!!'
I'm sorry. I know you young people need your time. So Paul walked in tha door with tha Flour...and Vanilla, yeah, and then just told me that the last 10 years have been boring, and that he wanted to add some...spice to our life. Now, I love my husband. A woman should always stick by her man, that was how I was raised. That doesn't mean we don't have our little pats, I mean, just last week Doctor, he told me he didn't like the way I burped! After all these years, can you believe it? So I told him, stop bringing home Cream Soda, you know how that makes me burp. He replied, 'I like Cream Soda'. Then I replied, You can take your Cream Soda and...
(Angry Look)
Sorry, so he said he's been watching all these movies with these young folks, and told me how they, I guess play. Now Once again, Doctor, I was born in North Carolina in middle of tha Bible Belt...
'Thought you said South Carolina?'
Oh, I did. Oh, then South Carolina. But what he told me, Doctor, I don't think I can say, even to you.
'Believe you me, I'm a Love Therapist. I've heard it all.'
Well, Ok, Doc. If you say so. He said these young folks know how to..."Get Down."
'Like that has many meanings. What did he mean?'
Well, he told me to...I'll just whisper it to you...He said...(Psst...Psst...Pssst! Psst...Pssst...Pssst!)
'Huh. Real...ly.'
And then he wanted me to...(...Pssst! Pssst...Pssst..Psst-Psst-Psst!...Psst! Psst...Psst) All while my hands were...(Psst! Psst! Psst!....Psst! Psst! Psst!).
'Oh!'
And then after I get done, he wanted me to cap it off by saying, 'Ahh!' It was a lot to handle, but I love my husband, and I'll do anythang for him. So, first I flipped over my Gideon Bible that I have sitting on tha downstairs coffee table. I borrowed it from this Holiday Inn up in Charlotte, and u see, Doctor, I just haven't had time to return it. But I know God couldn't see what was about to happen next.
'Continue.'
So I took tha hand of Paul, and brought him to tha kitchen. I had on my nightgown cuz I just got done watching Sabado Gigante. Now I'm about Eighty-Four now, yeah that's about right, so it takes some time for me to get, warmed up. Need a little more than Sinatra record and a dry martini. So I took off one shoulder of my gown, and then gently pushed the other shoulder off. My whole gown just fell flat to tha kitchen tile. I stood there so free and open, just like when I first met my husband inside the Men's bathroom at the Copacabana back in 1962. Yep! Then, it took some time, and help from our kitchen table. But I held on to it, and then stumbled down to my knees. Which did hurt a little bit, but I was gonna do whatever it took to please my husband. I thought to myself, Please Lord, I hope this man took a shower. So then I looked up, and Paul was as excited as I've ever seen him. Like a kid getting a pack of balloons at Christmas! He then fumbled a little bit with his zipper on his pants, but he finally got it opened...I took a deep breath, and thought about all those neck exercises I learned in Yoga class. And then...
(Bada Boom! Boom!)
"DOC!! DOC!! I gotta talk to you for a minute, it's an emergency."
'I'm sorry, but right now I'm in tha middle of a session. You're gonna have to scheduled something later in tha week. I just...I just can't see yo..'
Heeyyy! Aren't you...Ah???
"Please pardon my manners. Austino Galaxia. Pleasure to meet you." (Kiss on tha hand.)
Yeah. That Galtico or Galleycio fellow. My granddaughter raves about you all the time. She's like...Ah...does Ah...Doctor, what do you call those people who be taking pictures for those magazines.
'A Model.'
Yep, there you go. She did some of that Model stuff for, Sports Illustrated?? I think that's right. In her swimsuit, walking around naked in those floss strings. Some of them, didn't even have a top on just holding their puppies with their hands. These young people. But "Austino Galackitco! Austino Galackitco!" is all she talked about. I guess, you were a hot topic for all them girlies during their breaks, u know, in between taking pictures. Uh-huh. She told me, and I've never heard of you, so I thought they were talking about a comic book hero or something! I mean, Who names their child that? That's just terrible, just terrible to put on a child. His parents should be reported for that. Uh-huh. Reported...And Judge Judy should throw them in tha slammer. Lock 'em up! So you say that's you, huh.
"Yes it is. Alright Doc. I'm having some crazy chick issues, and you're tha only one who will understand and give me unbiased advice. May I grab a chair?"
'Well, that's all up to Mrs. Carpenter. This is HER time.'
"Mrs. Carpenter, do you mind?"
Not at all Sonny. I always love to hear about dating and love involving tha young folks. It brightens my day, and makes me think of yesteryear. I was wild, you know. Besides, I always carry a snack in my purse, where are they...where....There they go. U want some Graham Crackers?
"Well actually sure, Ma'am. I haven't had one of these in ages. (Crunnnch!) Needs a little milk... So, Ok Doc...lately as u've probably been reading in my diary, it has been wild and crazy. Like, it's just tough to explain. I have so many issues. Where do I start? Ok, like I'm learning that I'm attracted to so many different type of girls, and personalities. It's awesome, but like it's weird too."
'Alright, continue.'
"Then it's this one girl, who...I don't know, it's like, I kind of like her, but how can I tell her. I mean, I've been around so many sexy girls, and have had so many experiences and episodes, I just shouldn't be feeling nervous...but around her I do. I mean, just her name, makes me wanna..."
(Crunnnnch!....Crunnnchh!!..Crunnch!!)
Oops! That one fell down my right boobie.
'Ah, Mrs. Carpenter, would you mind chewing ur crackers a little softer. Just a tad.'
Oh! I'm sorry. Don't mind me, you two young men just go ahead and continue.
'Thanks...Continue, Austino.'
"But yeah, Doc. Then I'm thinking about like should I even settle down or not. Like, it's cool, and many of my friends and fam got their dream dolls and guys, but...Part of me wants to. And then another part of me, is like there are so many cool and beautiful girls all around the world. Especially down here in Miami, and out in LA and...up in..."
Columbia, South Carolina. Yep. See, you need to go up there on a Saturday Afternoon when those Gamecocks be tossing around that pigskin. Uh-huh. U'll find you a real good girl up there. A real nice, good wholesome one. Uh-huh. She'll make u stop writing! I promise, she will. (Crunnch!!!)
(Smile) 'Mrs. Carpenter, please.'
"But Doc, as you can see, there's just a lot on my mind. And I feel like nobody else can relate to these feelings. What can I do? I...I...I need a drink, Doc u still got some of that Vita Coco in ur fridge over there."
'I bought them only for you my friend. I still think there's some Peach & Mango in tha back from our last session. Alright, so let's try to tackle these things one at a time. First, you talked about being attracted to so many types of girls, is that correct?'
(Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp!) "Ahhh...Yeah, Doc. Like physically, personality wise. Like...it's so tough to explain."
'Try me.'
"Like one day I could be diggin' a girl who's like short in stature and rocks her Nike's, and represents that u know, urban sexiness that's just so like, Bam! How she carries herself, can be so like cool...Then like later on, I can dig a girl who's like has a flawless face with a Marc Jacobs bag on her arm, wearing Fendi sandals, with the Summer dress who has a walk that just let's you know she's in tha place."
'Alright.'
"Then I like girls who love to go out...who love to laugh...who love to tan...who are curvy...who are slender...who has ear piercings...It's crazy. Some people might think I'm some kind of playboy or something, but my life just attracts a lot of beautiful girls. It's just when I think about my love life, it's like can anybody really have everything that I appreciate in a female. On a friend tip, most definitely. But when it comes to that love thang...I don't know Doc...I just don't..."
(Click.)
"...Doc, what was that sound?"
'Yeah, I heard it too. It came from over...Mrs. Carpenter.'
I'm sorry. But this is some juicy loosey stuff. I gotta put this picture on my GrannyAppleBottoms Instagram. Everybody is gonna be talking about this one, and wait til Gossiping Gertrude shows this to tha ladies down at tha Bridge Club. U know we meet every Saturday morning. Uh-huh. So let me see...I needs my glasses...Ok...@ T-M-Z...Alright, that's good. Now something I need something eye popping. Number's sign... L-o-v-e-r boy confused...@...a-u-s-t-i-n-o-g....Hey, how did you say u spell your name again?!!
"Give me that camera! Your gonna give me that freakin' camera!!"
Ah-Ah-Ahhhh! You take one more step towards me Cassanova, and I'll Mace Ya!
"You won't do Jack, Grandma, now hand me tha camera."
(Sisst! Sisst! Sisst!) Now does it look like I'm playing! Back up! Don't nobody move til I say so. Now...I'm gonna hit this green arrow. It's Processing. And....Done! Now, you two can carry on.
"See what I mean, Doc. I forgot to mention I attract tha crazy ones too!! What do you think I should do?"
'Austino, we've gone over this many times before. It's not a bad thing what ur feeling. U just appreciate what true beauty is, and you realize that it can come in different packages. Some people are just, Pigeon toed into a particular race or body type or financial status. Since u are open to all those possibilities, you are now better suitable to appreciate a girl for who she is, and what she can possibly be. And not just a trilogy of measurements or what she's done in tha past. How you're feeling is a good thing.'
Doc, that was pretty good. That sounded like a scene that I saw on Anger Management last week!
'Alright, now your second thing involved this crush or something? Please elaborate.'
"Well, I'm being way too honest in here, I mean, this is gonna just stay between us two right."
(Cough, Cough)
"And her? Right..."
'Mrs. Carpenter, I've let you stay because of ur kindness to let Mr. Galaxia use your session time. Now, I ask you that what is about to be spoken, be kept within these four walls. Can I trust you on that?'
My lips are sealed. You can lock them up, and throw away the key....Yep. Just don't hope I don't go dumpster digging in tha alley after this here, jack legged session.
'Mrs. Carpenter?!!!'
U can trust me.
'Good. As you were saying, Galaxia.'
"Well, there is this one girl, that is like. No matter how hard I try to like get her out my mind, I can't. Like other girls be coming around, and we'll be interacting and kicking it, but in tha back of my mind, I'm like, 'They're super cool' but they aren't like this other girl. And it's not just her physical beauty, it's like I can feel and sense when she's around. Almost magnetic. Like I can hear her cough, or just for some reason just her presence. When I see her, like my heart jumps a little, u know. I think she's so mad cool and attractive. Sexiest smile, an outgoing personality, love how she dresses, and how she just flat out keeps it real."
'Ok. Go on.'
"Like if I were to really go after a gurl right now, it would be her. There's only been one other girl that was similar to her, and she was this Colombian Beauty that I even wrote about, back in tha day. With us two it was an attraction that was flat out crazy silly. But she had a boyfriend. With this gal, I can't put into words, it's weird. Just when u know, that u know, that u know, if u took were to ever get down, u know that it'll be on"
See, Doctor. I guess my husband was hip to style of these young folk!
"I don't understand how I feel...But I just see so much in her. Like with some girls, my attraction would be conditional. And I admit that, cuz that's how some of these girls present themselves. As an sexual object and not an actual person. But she's one of tha few where I could see myself liking her for her. Unconditionally. Like if she were to get in a car accident or gain a little weight, or if something would to happen to her, I could still see myself right there holding her hand, u know. I just know if I told her how I feel, she's gonna flip out. I know it! I wonder if that possible embarrassment is worth me saying how I truly feel about this angel?"
'Well, I'm gonna tell you like this. You have to...'
(Sniff, Sniff!...Sniff! Sniff!...Bloooow!!!)
'Mrs. Carpenter, Are you alright?'
It's just...(Blooooow!) That's tha way love is supposed to be. That was just beautiful. Absolutely Beautiful. (Blooooww!)
'Austino, you have a love life beyond words. Episodes that even I've had to shake my head on. Don't be afraid to take a risk, though. Nothing ventured. Nothing gained. If she's surprised by how you feel, then she's just surprised. Maybe she feels the same way. One thing that I've learned about love is that the one that u may be thinking doesn't even know you exist, could also be the same one who has the same reciprocal feelings about you. You never know. Just be patient and the moment, as I told you a few months ago will speak. And it will speak. I mean, things happen in a way which you'll find out if she's available, or if she has feelings towards you as well. Life is funny. Sometimes you get the answers you're looking for without even asking the question. Be patient True Love always speaks...It always does.'
"But Doc, I've been through so much. Every once in a while, u get tired of being patient, I mean nobody else has to go through all I've been through. Girls throwing themselves at you, yet when u step up and show them u one of the cream of tha crop, they get all scared and...I'm just tired of being a boy toy. All jokes aside, you just get tired dude."
'Be patient. If being a Boy Toy allows a girl to get off some feelings she can't with any other guys. Just let it be.'
"Even if..."
'Let. It. Be. It's gonna work out. Trust me on this. Sometimes relationships isn't all about sexual attractions but actually caring for people as people and even as a possible friend. You can be friends with girls who you aren't attracted to. You can. Watch how everything plays out. Just grab a bowl of popcorn and watch.'
"Alright. I will, Doc. I will. Then you got this settling down thang..."
Doc, I think I can help this Galckti-Coco guy on this one.
'Ok. Mrs. Carpenter, you've been married for awhile. The floor is yours.'
The biggest thing I see with you youngsters is you all just getting with somebody just to get with somebody. When I was younger, we Ah...Courted. Uh-huh. Courted. Dated to see who was compatible with us as a friend first, then possible love. Nowadays, the butter in tha Ice Box has done gone bad. From what my Granddaughter says, and from what I've heard, you hot guys and especially you Galati-Say-es, have been exposed to a lot in terms of us females. That's good. The more you see, the more you are able to see what you want and what you don't want in a...Ah...mate. Don't get married just to keep up with tha Jones'. No, don't do that. Make sure you're really, and I do mean really ready. Also, don't get into a relationship just because it seems like everybody else around is in one as well. You never know what goes on behind close doors. I mean, you're not tha only single person around. To be honest, and I don't understand it maybe because I'm old fashioned, but being single is starting to become perhaps the best route to go, just cuz people are getting married for tha wrong reasons. But that's a whole 'nother cookie from Mrs. Fields! You...
"Let me ask Mrs. Carpenter, how would you know when u meet like...'The One'?"
Honestly?
"Yeah...honestly."
The way I knew at least with my husband, Paul...Well, it's been so long ago, I don't know if I could remember. Let me see...He made me laugh. Ah...I felt comfortable talking to him about anything, and I do mean anything. Nothing was hidden. Ah...the way he look at me also, was different. He looked at me, like I was the most important thang in every room. Every girl is different, but u ask most of us girls, and those are tha things they'll tell you. Cuz in tha end, u need to laugh to last. U know. And when things get tough, and relationships do have their moments, that's why I'm in here seeing this Doofus Doctor over to my left...
'Hey!'
But u want to make sure that u got somebody who real with you, and who realizes that Love is special, and I guess Sexy, as you young folks call it. But it's a partnership. No matter who makes what money, or which spouse is more famous than tha other either locally or globally, u two have to be there for each other. Continue to be friends with girls, and if something develops it does. If not, then don't rule out anybody just because they aren't "The One" They might be "The One" who later hooks or leads you to "The One." Always remember...
"Yes."
Don't chase Love...Let Love chase you. And if u prepare yourself as a good catch, it'll come after you. I promise it will.
'Well, I think that's enough for today. Mrs. Carpenter, thank you for your advice. I think you even helped me some. Austino...Don't ever stop by my office unannounced again. Especially on a Sunday. Alright, brotha. You wanna go up to Bal Harbour and grab some lunch or something.'
"Sure. Mrs. Carpenter, I'll pay for this session, it's on me. I insist. You helped me out a lot, and I'm sorry for what I did earlier with you posting my pic on Instagram. Just sometimes being famous can be..."
No apology needed. None at all! I mean, I'm meeting with TMZ on tomorrow so...I think all of my upcoming sessions will be on you! (Ha Ha!) Plus, I think I'll have money left over to stock this place with some Graham Crackers. Doc, you need take care of these boys.
(Doctor shakes his head)
That's freakin' hilarious! So let me ask you Grandma, you said your Granddaughter is a Sports Illustrated model, huh."
Ah, Yeah she is. Matter of fact all of them are fond of you.
"Huh. Say...Can you hook a brotha up?!!"
Maybe I can. I'll give her a call when I get back home. But just one thing...
"What's that Grandma?"
None of that 'Get Down' stuff alright. I mean, I did it once. And I learned the hard way, that getting on your knees is made for one thang and one thang only...Prayer! I mean, I couldn't walk for a whole week! Uh-huh. And then I had to use Listerine to gargle. Nope. None of that 'Get Down' stuff for my Grandbaby...She's a good girl...Oh, but if that doesn't work out, then you have to meet my Great Niece. Uh-huh. She was in like this Maxim magazine's Top 100 earlier this year. Uh-huh. And I've heard her and my Grandbaby talk about you at a few family gatherings. Matter of fact...(Snap!) I got some baby pictures in my car of both of them, let me show you...Now I'm gonna warn you, my Great Niece's belly button was made to be poured on by honey and licked by just tha right man. The only problem is she never could find anybody who was good at that. I told her, Baby, God will send u the right belly-button licking man, just u wait and see...Do you like to lick belly buttons?
"If u only knew, Mrs. Carpenter...Trust me, Baby gurl...If...you only knew."
(Wink!)
Fun Awaits. Be Patient.
Austino Galaxia.
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