Tha Tryout.

Ok, I hope I got this down...It goes, "It Must Be Said"...."No Monkey Business In Tha Jungle"..."A Mouse in tha Living Room"...No, No...A Rat in tha Bedroom...No forget it, let's move on to tha next one, "27 and Sexy"...Nooo!!  I'm never gonna get all this down in time.  Relax!  Relax!  I still have time.  This is soo crazy, I never thought this opportunity would ever come.  But I was Twitter, and saw this ad of sorts.  And I thought, OMG!, this is a chance of a lifetime.  My friend Venus called me up, and was like, "Did u just see what I just saw!"  I was like, "Fudge Yeah!"  That was last night, so for the last 24 hours, I've tried to do any and everythang to make sure that there is no way that I can be denied this chance.  This is like tha coolest thang to happen to me since I won a Hard Body contest in Cancun during a Spring Break a few years ago.  There was a small controversy about my party life, and folks saying I did a lot of "sowing" to win.  And I may have done a thang or two in tha past with a few of tha judges, but hey...Any girl knows it ain't how u serve...But if u know how 2 use ur stroke that makes u a freak...of nature, I mean.  And believe u me, a few Tequlia's chased by some lemon limes would have u stroking like Serena Williams!  Simply put, I do what I gotta do.  Believe that...



(Beep!  Beep!)

Cool, here's my gal, Venus texting me right now:

'Luv & Fun. Smile. Show Curves. Say u luv fashion and hoops.  On my way.'

Yeah, I'm gonna knock this one outta tha park.  Ain't nobody gonna be more prepared than me.  I mean, I've studied, and studied like never before.  No Pebbles have gone unnoticed. Some people go H.A.M, but I went BAM BAM!  On this thang.  That was kinda corny, but still, u know what I mean.  See after my gal, Venus called, I did some TMZ research online.  Then after that, my like never was yet sorta ex-boyfriend Nick called.  I say that cuz after tonight, I'm gonna dump him like tomorrow's garbage, just because, I gotta be free if I want to win a spot in this thang.  He always be like stalking me...(Smack of tha lips)  and wondering where my every move is.  Totally uncool.  Like totally!  Don't want to boast or anythang, but guys be trying to step to me, which is cool, but he be getting all jealous, and I just tell him straight up, 'Solaro u gotta stop, trying to control me.'  Now he's doing some kind of Horoscope thing up in Jupiter, Florida, so he's really outta control in trying to watch what I do.  Tracking my GPS, it's just too much...But, I don't have 2 deal with that mess, It's over after tonight.  Where was I?  Oh, yeah, so after talking 2 my future "Ex", I went into all out training camp mode.  I was in lost in my character, like Liz Taylor back in tha day or Audrey Hepburn...Why won't Solaro ever take me to Tiffany's?  Whatever...Or even like my homegirl Olivia who be handling her business on Love and Hip Hop.  Not letting none of these dudes or chicks punk her.  Yeah, I'm  serious, matter of fact I'm hashtag serious about this thang..

(Gurrrgghh...Woof!  Woof-Woof!)

Come down Pluto, I'll take u for a walk later tonight when I get back, alright.  I luv my Yorkie.  So cute. So last night, it all began.  I cooked me this mad dinner, of...Let see, it was Ronzoni Healthy Harvest Rotini pasta, I made sure to get that specific one.  Then got some of those Perdue Short Cut turkey pieces, yeah...Then u have's to have some Ragu.  I never tried the Super Vegetable Primeavera kind, but I had to be authentic to tha tee shirt...It was legit.  The only thing that was goofed up, was I got Mr. Olive's Sweet Relish, the regular kind.  I couldn't find the one with No Sugar Added.  I hope that doesn't mess up my chances.  It was good, really, really good.  As I was eating, it was like I was becoming an entirely different person.  I felt tha "Pooh" come out in me.

Then me and Pluto cut tha TV on, and watched some episodes of Batman:  The Animated Series.  Then pulled up classic episodes from The O.C., Martin, and some even from this past season like Devious Maids and  BBC's Orphan Black.  Felt like I was in high school again, studying and trying to figure out how to get out of 4th period so I could run to the mall and pick up those Doc Marten boots that just went on sale.  And come back unnoticed.  Bend over 2 show my biological assets over the teacher's desk, followed by a kiss to tha Hall Monitor here, a touch of the security guard's chest there, and I was on my merry little way.  That was easy compared to this.  As I was looking at these shows, I was thinking, though that everybody's who gonna try out is gonna watch those thangs, so I decided to go the extra mile, and go on a tip my friend Uranus Facebook messaged to Venus late last night.  Evidently there's a rumor that knowing about tha show Girl Code, could put a doll over the hump.  In retrospect, it only makes sense.   But after laughing my booty off, I mean, these girls are something else.  I could totally relate.  Like I never sit booty cheek 2 toliet seat at any fine or strange restaurant no matter how many stars Yelp gave the custodian department. And like when they got to talking about how us girls give tha fake "I don't mind' face when a guy takes us to Wong's Chinese liquor store and Take-Out instead of Chili's or Applebee's for our first 'stare-in-tha-eyes-til-we-melt' anniversary.  This gurl done almost lost it laughing!  I just had to join tha social network convo and hashtag #noapplepie2night on that one.  I luv those girls, they tell it like it is.  And they might be tha difference in me winning this thang in a few hours here.

(Woof!  Woof!)

Come here Pluto!  Go fetch!!  This ball looks straight up like a moon.  Anyways, so even last night I went to bed with a small stuffed animal.  I looked everywhere for that Hong Kong Phooey character.  I couldn't find that anywhere, like it was limited edition or something.  So I just curled up with my Babs Bunny doll that used to be my older sister's , first cousin's, best friend's, niece's doll.  It's complicated so don't ask.  Babs is like a dream girl in these contests, and I heard everybody is like compared to her.  Nighty night is how I went.  Then this morning, I woke up and...

(Beep!  Beep!)

Who's this?

'WE BUY OLD CARS.  AUTOS COMPRAMOS VIEJO. $4000-$4001.  777-999-6969'

I freakin' hate these texts.  That's no even proper Spanish!!   Feel like everybody here in Miami is stalking me, Geez.  I do drive an old Saturn Vue.  But anyways...So I woke up still in character, and toasted me some Eggo's Nutri-Grains, with tha Blueberry.  Some almonds.  And just chilled.  Mid-morning, is when I cranked it up a lot.  Watching old Lakers games from a few years ago.  I lived out in LA so I know how serious Laker Nation can be.  Then watched some Heat games from these last two championship seasons.   Actually my gurl,  went to that Bron' wedding thingy out in Cali this past weekend.  It was kosher she told me.  She said Jigga and B tore up that 'Crazy In Love' duet.  Hoops knowledge is sorta important to getting this gig too.  It's not a prerequise but it's like expected.

Then after eating an Egg White sandwhich from Subway, please don't ask me tha details of how it should be cooked or how the veggies should be placed and stuff.  I was thinking, I'll have an easier time sneaking into a old *NSYNC concert back in tha day.  Got some food in my tummy, took a nap, and then woke up ready to get these dance moves together.  Plugged up my Sony Anti-Skip Discman...please don't laugh, but my Grandpa gave it too me.  It's sentimental.  Don't sleep though, cuz all u gotta do is hook up some speakers, like the ones I won from Gameworks a few years ago, and it's on til tha break of dawn!  We was on our DJ tip hard too...The artists I played were specific...Kylie Minogue.  Ginuwine.  David Guetta.  N-E-R-D... Britney.  Jon B.  Madonna.   Janet and Michael.  Made sure that I was in 'Go Get 'Em' mode.  All the while I was doing all tha moves that will get me noticed as well.  The Roger Rabbit.  Harlem Shake.  The Robot. Cabbage Patch.  I pulled out that 'Lean Back' and that 'Can't See Me Dance', heck I think I can do it better than John Cena.  If they made it, I did it.  Go-Go Girl shake, everythang...After breaking a sweat, I jumped into a Luke Perry warm shower, with all tha lights off.  That was my first time,and I admit that it felt kinda weird, but now I think eye can dig it.  Got dressed, and ...

(Honk!  Honk!)

That's my girl, Venus, right there. Alright, keys, let me take a look in tha mirror, real quick.  I dressed to make sure I will not be forgotten.  I put on my Trucker Hat, with Gucci Sunglasses, long tank top tee, let me perk up these bad boys, butt looks awesome...Got my Daisy Duke's on with my Sand color Ugg boots.  These Ugg boots are so cool, so sexy, they are 'Tha Look' of tha night...but...but... they don't feel right, just doesn't feel rig...

(HONK!  HONK!  HONK!)


I'M COMING GURL!!  U know what I think it's time for me to switch kicks.  Where are they?  Where are they?  There they go, still got that new box smell too.   I likes. Let me slip on these Son of Mars Jordan's.  Brand New.  Strap the tight.  Alright.  Now we ready to go.  Take a look in tha mirror.  I look so South Beach hot right now, I wanna make luv to myself.  This guy is about to meet his absolute fantasy.  Keys...Keys...Where are my keys?  Got 'em.

(Turn....Click-Click.)

Alright.  What up Girl?!!

"Gurl, u betta get in, u about 2 be late.  Like really late."

(Car Door Slam!...Screech!!)

Kisses.  (Smooch!)

"Kisses..(Smooch!) ...Gurl, what took u so long, I kept honking and honking, U almost saw this Mercury Mountineer go about 60 down Collins, leaving ur #$%...  What was up, girl?"

I had to turn it up, and change my swag.  Every girl is going to be going for that LA 2004 Daisy Duke's with Ugg's look.  Had to hit 'em with my J's.  One of my homeboys at tha boutique on Lincoln Road told me that there was only one other person who had these Jordan's in town, and we all know who that is.

"Yeah, gurl, u've done ur homework, like a Baby Rachel Zoe.  I still think u shoulda brought that Barry Bonds black San Francisco Giants jersey, that woulda had u looking sexy gangsta like Left-Eye Lopez, and with that look on a Puerto Rican doll like you.  Shoot!  U woulda been a sure thang to..."

I SAID, 'HOT BAM!'

(Bonds jersey pulled out of purse!)

"Gurl, that's why I luv you.  U my gurl!  U my's girl!   I knew that Big Burberry bag would come in handy..."

Hey, thanks for picking me up, u know I'm nervous for this whole thang.  Every since we found out about this audition, I've been doing any and everything to get ready.  I really want to win this.  Practicing all these dances, watching all these shows, I'm ready...Oh, snap, girl!  Are they doing a Neptunes mix here on tha radio?!! Turn it up!  TURN.  IT.  UP!!   U know I luv me some Chad and Pharrell...  Gurl, that's a sign right there, a really good sign.  Gurl, u  remember this song don't you!?!

"Do I...Let me show u how Gwen used to do it...The-waves keep-on crashing on me for some reason.....But your love keeps on coming like a thunder-bolt....Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Dah...Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Dah...Gurl, SING!!"

I gotcha gurl....Come Heerrre...A lit-tle closer...Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Dah....Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Dah...Cause I wanna see you ba-by...real close up...

"Get over here!...Get over here!"

YOU GOT ME FEELING HELLA GOOD...SO LET'S JUST KEEP ON DANCING!!...Look...John Travolta eyes!...YOU HOLD ME LIKE YOU SHOULD, SO I'M GONNA KEEP ON DANCING!!

"Alright, girl, shhh!  We're here.  We're here."

OOOOH YEAH-YEAH!

"Calm down, gurl, we're here.  Go inside homie, and put on a show.  I'ma park over here, and do some shopping and look for this dress that I saw Jada Pinkett rock tha other day on tha Red Carpet.  Just hit me up gurl when u done."

I will.  Alright gurl.  (Smooch!)  Now, time to put on a show.  Where's tha entry door?  Oh.  'Enter Here' Duhh!!..And there looks like the sign-up table right here.  I'm the only one here I guess.  This gurl has a really hot look about her, I hope she's not competing tonight.

(CAN I HELP U?)

Yes, I"m here for the audition to be part of...

(I KNOW WHO U ARE.  FOR SOME REASON HE'S BEEN EXPECTING YOU.  RIGHT THIS WAY.)

This is a big auditorium.

(NOT REALLY...GO AHEAD, HE'S UP THERE SITTING ON THA TABLE IN FRONT OF THA STAGE.  BREAK A LEG.)

Thanks, I guess. How rude. Once again, just because u look good, doesn't mean u should be a complete bit...Whatever..Let it go...Be calm.  Be calm....

(Gulp!)

Alright. Hi...Hello...My name is Estrella.  And you don't have to tell me, you must be....

To Be Continued....

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