Well, Ok.
Guess we're just gonna keep it real on tonight. Had something a little intriguing going on in our mind. Evidently Tha Powers that be, is leading us to just write. From our heart. And let whatever come of this, just happen. Usually, when we have no idea what to write about something magical happens, so let's just go with tha flow on today.
Just gonna write this as if it's just me and our diary. So on today, we had a lot of things going on in our mind. One, I'm gonna officially say it here that Miami is tha worst place to drive in the Western Hemisphere. I'm really at a lost for words. Folks drive too fast....Folks drive too slow...Right signal means turn left...A Stop sign means "Go"....I should try that on my next date, huh?!! Just in tha last few days I've almost been hit two times, maybe three. The worse was on Kendall Drive. Oops! I'm sorry I gotta talk like I live over in our "suburbs" of Kendall (Christina, if ur reading this, those quotes are for you, Homegurl!) But as those Kendall folk would say, over on "88", I was jamming out, chillin', top down enjoying tha day right in front of Dadeland Mall. And as I was driving towards US-1, this mutha...Relax, Austino! It's ok...This FuthaBucker, did one of those 'I know I got to get over, but I'm gonna cut u off at tha last moment stunts.'
So as I was chillin' out, this truck made an ugly turn into my lane. And I'm not kidding, in 3 milliseconds I saw my whole life flash before my eyes. From my future appearance on Jay Leno to tha joy on my face from hearing Maury tell me, "Austino Galaxia...YOU ARE NOT THA FATHER!" all tha way to me eating a 10 piece chicken meal from KFC, covered in honey, next to my bed while I'm...Can't divulge certain activities, but u get tha picture. That was a bad cutoff, though. My Smokey Robinson Cruise quickly turned into a scene from Grand Theft Auto 6, and it almost got ugly. So tha dude, was quickly like, "I'm Sorry! I'm Sorry!" How do u react to that? Tha way he made tha cutoff was like he was smoking on them Mollys! If my mind wasn't dreaming about Mickey Mouse doing tha theme song for my Galaxia Club TV Show..., U know...L-U-V...T-N-A...P-O-U-S-E!!! Ha Ha! Only tha freaks got that one! But if I wasn't fantazing about tha Mickster, I mighta woulda "Cussed him out" East Chicago style. Instead, I just scrolled down my Galaxy phone...That's so cool, that I have my own phone...but scrolled down and put on every T.I. song I had in my playlists. Beginning with this one....
Tonight's gonna be a full one. So get u a Cuban cigar...cup of Coffee...Or heck, just get u a flat out Cuban, and get ready cuz I'm bout to get loose. So today, I'm in Publix. Yeah, say it with me, "Where Shopping Is a Pleasure". I had to hit them up for this Organic Valley Milk that was on sale. I'm walking over by tha "It may be meat, Or it may not be" section, and I see this shorty. I mean, young lady, a future employer may be reading this. So this Shorty Bee Hop just picked up some like Ground Chuck or something. She was right in front of me, and I'm thinking, this gurl is kinda cute. May not be "I'm willing to get a ticket cuz my parking meter is about to expired" type of cute, but she was cute in a way that my opening line might be, "Excuse me Miss, but my meter is about to run out, can I borrow a quarter, cuz I just want to be in ur presence for 10 more minutes" type of cute. Ya Ming...So...Hey. I need to write that line down. "Excuse Me Miss, but my..." I'ma use that one. So right after I glanced at her, next thang I know it, she picked up this packaged meat, and smelled it. I literally stopped my Mercedes grocery cart, and just broke out laughing. Folks out here smelling meat?!! Wild! I got an idea...
Well, we said that whenever we have no idea what to write about something special hits us. So on tonight, u get me embrassing, it's spelled wrong, but beep it...U get a chance to see me make a fool of myself...again. If u've talked to me about love or dating, I enjoy throwing tha panty term "Dealbreaker" around. Meaning what situation would make either u or me,...a) Leave a relationship...II) Not approach somebody to get into a relationship...Or Cece) What would have u up at night, looking at tha ceiling fan calculating how fast you can tip toe out tha bed, leave a note on tha light stand and stop by tha fridge to grab that doggy bag of Chili's to take back home, all the while not waking up ur sleeping Bed Bug. Well, this is off tha cuff. Some may be humorous. Others may be straight up. But it's 100% me. I just hope this don't knock off any Beauties that I've been noticing, but whatever....it is our diary. So without any further ado....
Tha First Annual Deal Breaker's List of Lost Dreams. Maestro hit tha music!!
(Dun-Dun-Dun. DunDunDun. Dun-Dun-Dunnn)
And cut! Yeah! Let's get into it.
- Smelling Urself. I can't do it. As my girls on MTV Girl Code would say...I Can't!! Hashtag optional. Now I don't mind, if u wanna smell ur perfume and stuff. But if u digging in ur toes with ur fingers in a Girl Scout sign, and bringing them up to ur nose. Naw man...Or even tha Molly Shannon "Super-star"!! thing with ur armpits...Just can't. If anybody should smell you, it should be me. I have a debatable Ph.D in Smellology, and I can whiff out anything from a Burger King Whopper Jr. with no pickles to me walking onto tha stage of American Idol and smelling a rat in tha building. I leave no scent unturned. And since I don't...you should!
- Somebody talking and not letting u speak. Some guys can't stand girls who talk to much. I don't hav a problem. Just don't talk so much that I can't get my point across. That's just rude! I mean, I might want to explain why I was hugging that girl for 20 minutes. Or I might want to give a reason for a pink bra to be stuck at tha bottom of my hamper. Just because u got a video of me making out with somebody at tha 7pm movie show, when I told you that I was with my boys, doesn't mean that u can't let speak and tell u that it wasn't me, and that tha video was doctored. Real talk!
- Reading between tha Tan Lines. Oh, u thought it was all jokes huh! I'm superficial, I know. I'm egotistical, yeah so what. I only like plastic girls, that's why my goal in life is to have my own line of Bratz dolls. Perhaps tha number one, physical, trait that would have me Stop, Drop and Roll outta anybody's Sealy would be tha sight of tan lines. Doesn't mean we can't kick it, but I love girls who aren't afraid of just bearing it all, whether her body, soul or spirit. And if u got that suit on, and out there, knowing u gonna get it in, just let it all out. It helps with ur outfits, as other women would attest, and I think it helps u feel liberated. Heck, spray tan over tha lines, it don't matter to me. I rather kiss on u, and see a white imprint of my lips on ur skin, than...It's like u went to tha beach garage for a paint job, and tha sun stopped working mid-stream cuz u didn't have enough money 2 pay for tha gig! Just my preference...
- Extreme Cell Phone Usage while Kickin' It. Celly are a part of everybody's life, but to...I was walking tha other day past this eatery, and almost everybody outside was on their phone. Folks sitting together not even talking. Freakin' Sad. Maybe I'm tha only one who don't give a flying fudge pie about cutting their phone off, every once in awhile, but when ur in good company, or heck even bad company, at least to ACT like ur interested in good convo like, "Do u like tap water or water out tha faucet?"...or "How come nobody though of going nationwide in their quest to win tha Monopoly game at McDonald's?" or "What do u think about tha injustice of Wile E. Coyote never catching Tha Road Runner?" These are legitimate topics that are important to our generation. And to lose out on laughs, and great insight to tha human race, just so u can chit chat on tha phone or text ur way out of a good night...#NotCool.
- The Usage of any of these phrases while talking to Yours Truly, and you might get Tha 'X': "You People", "...Or What?".... "Britney Sucks"...."Kobe's Overrated"...."I'm gonna get u drunk"..."Dreams never come true."...."I hate my body" (Right after I told u, ur beautiful)..."OMFG"..."Ikea is cheap"..."I'll never date a South Beach guy"..."Tonight, I'm not in tha mood"..."Ur wearing that?"...."I don't read".
- Doing Video Dance Routines at a Club or Party. Now I luv to dance. Like LOOOVE to dance! But there's no reason for u to be out there pushing folks out tha way, so u can do the whole routine of Janet Jackson's "If" in tha middle of tha club?!! Or going into your Dolphin Cheerleader steps from way back in 2004. Everybody up in here know u from tha calendar, and expects that u can move ur thang at least a little bit. This ain't Step It Up 26, and there ain't no need for all that. Speaking of which...
- Party and Club Etiquette that will have u whistling for a Taxi back home. Doing either the Robot or tha Cupid Shuffle while Rick Ross is on tha speakers. Tha whistle....Telling me ur wasted, after one drink, when just tha other day I saw u throw down five of them thangs...Tha whistle...Whispering "I Love You", and then when I tell u that u've had enough, u yell, "I HATE YOU!"...Yellow Taxi #903456, get ur girl....Finding a Ex-High School friend and talking to her all night, instead of ur boy..."Whewww-Whew!!"....Saying that ur gonna pay for tha appetizers, but magically forget ur wallet...Or....Being with a party who buys a bottle, and u drink up 75% of it, and refuse to chip in 75% of tha tab...Or other thangs like...Refusing to dance...Jumping into tha DJ booth unannounced...Showing ur boobs or thong whenever Guns 'N Roses or any old Aerosmith is played...Getting into a cat fight with another chick...Wearing super high heels that make u fall every 5 minutes...And a dress that I can see ur tha bottom of tha heart of ur booty...These might get u thumbing ur way back home.
- Tha Snob Treatment. Like I'm one to talk right. But for real...Downgrading those who are actually homeless, and not tha actors on we see performing around Miami. Or saying, "I will never date" a particular race or attribute like Athlete or Rapper or Wall Street person. Also, laughing when somebody is struggling to buy something, and u got tha means. Or u look super hot and you're with me, so that gives u tha right to act any and every kind of way. Naw, Son...I believe what goes around comes around, so I don't like that attitude. And that is definitely an Austin-matic "Deal Breaker".
Enough of me. Gotta get some rest. Wasn't that fun or what?!! Now that I've eliminated 98% of tha population...Just kidding. I'll date anybody...but not everybody. U dig. These are just some of tha things that might have me thinking, "This ain't gonna work." Seen a lot, much of which said is experiences we've had. Just a goofy kid who wants to have fun and...
Who wants all his deals never to be broken! (Wink!)
I Holla Cuz!
A. Galaxia.
No comments:
Post a Comment