17 And Feisty.

I hate guys.

Yeah, that's a crazy way to begin my rant but I don't care.  People have told me, "You're so cute." or "You should be a model", and that's all nice and all, but looking good comes with a price.  And the way these guys treat me, all this whistling, and gawking, I mean, they act like they never seen any T & A before....I mean, they have read the alphabet charts, haven't they?!  Gosh...Let me introduce myself, my name is Ashley.  Heyyy!!!  And over there sitting on my bed is my BFF Tiffany, who I luv to call, "Skates" just because she's always happy and like is tha hottest chick skateboarder I know.  And holding this camera I'm talking to is my little brother, who everybody calls "Nickel" just because as a small kid, he once ate one of those little Abraham Lincoln fellows.  Nickel, hold tha camera straight, ur pointing it up to tha ceiling.  Nobody wants to see my Taylor Swift poster, hold it...gimmie it...gim-mie it....

"Nooooo!  I'm telling Mommy!!"



See what I have to deal with on tha dale.  FINE.  But u better hold this thang tight.  Ok.  I gots lots to say, so let's get started.  Where was I???  Oh yeah...GUYS SUCK!  I had to get that out my system, right there.  I know what ur thinking, this girl is just a cupcake short of tha ripe age of 18, but u know what I got experience baby.  Ain't that right Skates?!  (A Head Nod from Skates)  See, back in tha day, I used to be like the ultimate tomboy.  Dressing in baggy jeans and hoodies, talking all tha street lingo, 'Yo, Yo, Yo...what up!', and I knew everything about sports so dudes loved me.  I mean I can name my all-time Miami Dolphins team right here.  U got, well start of with tha coach, Don Shula.  Then like everybody knows that Marino is tha QB, I mean, duhh!!!  Then u got Mark "Super" Duper at one of the Wide Outs, I'll take Ricky Williams, tha pre-weed years, at running back.  Ah, so many, Nick Buoniconti, Zach Thomas, I could go on and on.  But my favorite is Jason Taylor.  He's like sooooo hot.  One time me and Skates saw him at tha grocery store once, and we like almost fainted.  I was like, "OhMyGod!OhMyGod!I'mabouttopassoutOhMyGod!"  Like I totally want to have his baby.  Like...right now.  U agree Skates right?!

'Like Totally.'

So guys have always liked me.  First as a friend, and then as I began to balloon out every which a way, they really began to like me.

'Yo, Ash, can I play that Blu Cantrell song that I love so much about taking guys money, and just using them like they use us.'

Gurl....Go right ahead.  That just adds to-tha-mooood...So my boobies began to grow, and booty began to get sick curvy.  I thought it was due to all tha Arroz Con Pollo I was eating down here in Miami, but my Mama just told me that I got it from Grandma Ma, who evidently had tha Boom Boom Pow back in tha day as well.  So I decided to ditch tha Charlize Theron in Monster look, and go for tha Charlize Theron in...well, like in everything else look.  She's so pretty.  Ain't she pretty, Skates?

'Like She's Totally Pretty Ash.  Like after Ryan Gosling, she would be like totally tha next person I would want to make out with.'

Yeah, that's right I'll...Wait, what u say gurl?!!  Gimme Some gurl!  (Hi-Fives exchanged)  See that's my homegurl right there, she keeps it real.  That's how we do.  So like in 7th grade, I knew this kid named Benjamin.  He was like a total geek, but he used to help me with some assignments.  Like he would go crazy and be jumping up and down whenever Mead released a new pocket protector.  That's tha type of kid he was.  Matter of fact, one time he got so excited about his new composition pad, that he jumped up, but didn't land correctly.  He tore his ACL, and he didn't have no like 24/7 treatment like tha Black Mamba, that dufus was out 4 weeks.  Which, like totally messed up my grade for that semester. I ended up getting a C plus.  That was tha pits.  I mean how am I supposed to know what tha capital of New Mexico is?  That isn't even in tha United States?...Or what was the Declaration of Independence?  The teacher called on me, I told him that's tha Declaration of Independence is when a designer for a Fashion House, decides to sign a contract to make his own clothing or fragrance line. Isn't that right, Skates?

'Like, totally, Tom Ford, Alexander McQueen, they all like totally signed it.'

 So like after this Bengi kid came back from his thingy, tha first time he saw me in my Maxi summer dress, he literally passed out in tha hallway.  He fell on his bifocals, his retainer like bounced down the hall, it was crazy.  That's when I knew tha girl power that I possess.  All at tha ripe age of like 14, I say...But I did have like one serious I guess boyfriend when I got to High School, his name was...

'OhMyGod!OhMyGod!Don't say it...Don't say it...'

BRAD NAPLETON!

(Screams!!!)

He was hot.

'Like totally hot.'

Really hot.

'Matter of fact he was totally, totally hot.'

Oh, Bradley.  (Sigh!)  He was like tha perfect guy.  He swam for our Swim team.  Captain of our Debate team.  That tan...That smile...

'Like totally that Maserati.'

Hey Skates, he was more than just money.  He sent me flowers, they were fake but still... posted notes inside of my locker, he would pass by me in tha halls, and just give me that Denzel Washington look.

'Like totally...who's Denzel Washington?'

You know who he is...He's like this guy who's in tha movies...Training Day.

'Oh, I remember.  Yeah, he's like totally hot for a...bad guy.'

But Bradley was a real gentleman.  Until he met up with that sleezeball cheerleader who like totally disrespected me at tha Pep Rally.  She then made it her mission to take Bradley from me.  Bradley tried to tell me that he loved me, and nobody could take him away from me.  But once that Halloween party at Virginia's house.  She walked in...Ok, this is tha only Skank, that I know...Can I say that on camera, Skates?

'For this story...like totally.'

Whatever, so she comes in first as Jessica Rabbit...Strike one.  But I let that slide.  Then she goes into tha back bathroom, with her Hurley backpack, and changes into a Hooters girl outfit...Strike two. She comes all out, and is literally throwing herself on Bradley, as he's trying to talk to me on tha couch.  Bending over, and all this stuff...Then if that wasn't enough, she goes upstairs to Virginia's parents bedroom, and...

'Wasn't Ben and Florence like totally making out up there?'

Fudge yeah they were!  She kicks them two out, and evidently pulls out all these candles and roses, and stuff and spills them onto tha floor...

'I like totally don't understand how she could have a Crate and Barrel showroom in that rinky dink backpack of hers.'

She comes back downstairs.  I had to go to tha bathroom and well, Skates, u tell tha people what happened next...

'Totally.  Alright.  So my gurl was in tha john cuz she was getting like totally wasted on Jager Bombs all night.  As she was gone, this witch walks up on Bradley, whispers something in his ear, and then sits on his lap.  Now before I came to tha party, I was watching Set It Off on MundoFox's Saturday afternoon movie of the week, so I was already ready to tussle.  She then pressed her body all up in Bradley's face, and began to give all these grinds on his lap.  She whispers something else in his ear, and they then get up, and like totally walk upstairs.  When my gurl, Ash comes back out, I told them what happened, and I went to my car to get my fingernail file, gorilla glue, a package of candy corn and my spork utensil package that I stole from this Cuban carry-out place in Little Havana, and walked back in like, I'm ready to shank and weeve...Ash, just told me, "No".  And began to like totally cry.  And that's what leads us to like tonight.'

So on that note...

"Hey Big Sis, tha battery is running low."

Let me see?  We still got some time, I'm gonna make my point to all u guys.  We'll talk until that thang burns out won't we Skates?

'So I want my half of tha pizza to be pepperoni, and my girl's half to be organic cheese, cuz she's watching her weight, and my half to be deep dish, and her half to be thin crus...'

(Cough, Cough!)

...Won't we Skates?!

'Oh! Like Totally, Ash!...Do tha breadsticks come with tha dipping sauce?'

Alright, so me and my girl tha other day somehow came upon this dude's website.  Like some kind of diary or whatever.  Skates, who was that guys name?

'AUSTINO GALAXIA!....Is Pacho working tha oven tonight?  Can u put him on tha phone?  Tell him it's "Totally Skates" on tha phone.'

Yeah, Galaxia is his name.  And I'm reading all these stories, and how he believes in love, and he's giving all these tips, and...that's all phooey!  Writing love poems and ugggghh!!  AUSTINO GALAXIA YOU MAKE ME SICK! You're like totally not cool.

'Like totally...so can you give me a hookup on this pizza.  Pacho, you owe me from last night, when we made out in your Volvo...'

There aren't guys out there who want a real woman.  They just want us women to do all their homework, go to their sporting events, and give some 'Me luv u long time' type of action, with a little brain activity, and that's it. What about us girls?  So I'm gonna speak up, right here, right now, not only for all tha 17 yr olds in tha world, but I speak for all tha women in tha world.  Fellas, Homies, Ballers, and especially you Austino Galaxia, here are my top reasons why we girls hate you!!  Skates give me tha cards...

'But I twerked for you, right there, in public, dead in tha parking lot...in front of everybody.  And u can't even let me get a deal on this here pizza?!!'

SKATES!!!

'Do it or no more, touch feely for you.  Gotta go.' (Click.)

"Sis, tha battery sign is starting to blin.."

DO YOU JOB AND BE QUIET!  Now, my lovely assistant Skates will now help me, state why girls hate guys....

Number one.  They Lie.  Bradley, u told me u would always be there for me, but guess what, what goes around, comes around, and that's why that little homewrecker left you for Ryan Lochte.  How u like those US swimmers now Bradley?!!  Punk!

'He's totally a punk.'

Number two.  They think girls only care about tha big days.  I mean, so what if u spend some dough on Valentine's Day, or Christmas or even on a birthday or two.  How about something when I get a A on my Mid-term exam.  Or how about when I walk down the hallway without tripping over my new Michael Kors wedges.

'Those wedges were totally hot by tha way.  Like totally.'

Do something when it's not expected.  Guys don't do that.  That's why...I HATE YOU!!!  Moving on...Skates you got tha sign, upside down, there you go...

'Like I'm totally sorry for that Ash, Like totally.'

Cool, homegurl.  Number three.  Guys want us to be like your mother.  I'm only 17, I'm not supposed to be washing ur clothes and driving you here and there.  I got needs.  And I got a lot of life yet to live.  These hips ain't ready to settle down, I got girlfriends, like my homie Skates who love to have a good time.  Somebody said a long time ago, that a pretty girl always wants to go out on tha town.  And I'm no different.  Don't be trying to hold me back...treat me like I'm the most beautiful thang in tha world.  Don't try to own me, or don't be ashamed of me and not walk into tha school dance hand in hand.  Act like u want me!  Your mother is unconditional, but having me on ur side is a luxury.

'Like..yeah.'

Number four.  I'm a young girl, but I like a little Magic Mike in my life as well.  I can do the Vicki Secret's thang, and sext you a picture, that I KNOOOW u're gonna show ur homeboys.  I mean, like Helllloo!  But why not ever once in awhile, do tha same for me.  Huh!  Yeah, ur quiet aren't you.  How about this, when Bobby throws his next pool party at his house, I'll take my top off, only if u take of yours.  It's time to call a spade a...

'Mutha-freakin' spade!  Like totally it's time.'

 "Sis, I don't think we're gonna make it any longe..."

Number Cinco.  Will u dress up?  I mean, I'm tired of looking all Hollywood, going out dressed to tha nines and tens,  while u guys are dressing like ur going to a party sponsored by Gap every night.  That's why I only date college guys, cuz they know how dress.  U get mad at me for wearing my summer dress with a flower in my hair, while u come on our "date" in a white tee shirt and J's.  At least a sweater, that's how the sexy guys in Milan and London dress...Us young sexy girls  aren't even gonna look ur way if u don't appear to be something special or unique.  Guys don't do that, that's why...Skates, do tha honors for me, would ya...

"I like... TOTALLY HATE GUYS!!!"

Last but not least.  Have confidence in urself.  If another guy comes up to me during Algebra class stares at my boobs while they are talking to me, I'm gonna go H.A.M.  Look me in tha eye, that shows that one, ur confident in urself and what ur saying.  And two, that u've been around beautiful girls as myself, before.  I was in gym class just on today, and like these two guys, just were staring at me.  I played with them, and told them, 'Hi', and one of them just began to drool, while the other one was like Porky Pig..."Ah-Ah-Ah...".  Act like u've been there.  I've learned that from watching sports.  Confidence and a sense of humor is what all girls like.  Be yourself and have fun with life.

"Sis, u got about 30 seconds left."

Austino Galaxia, u think u're all that. (Pointing at tha camera)  Well, I'm here to tell you, that u aren't.  What u write is just a fantasy, while tonight I exposed what guys or...boys are truly all about.  You can take ur diary of love or whatever and stick it.  STICK IT!   Ur a fake, ur diary is a fake, and all teenie weenie, itty-bitty guys are nothing but freakin' fakes.  And that's why...

I HATE YOU GUYS!!!!

'Yeah, like totally we do.'


This has been an Ashley, Skates and Nickel Production.