Ok, we got a grilled salmon on Table Two with mussels, then on Table 3 we got smothered pork chops,with...Whah??? What tha...?? Hey, who took this order down for Table 3??? Nikki, Come here...What is this supposed to be?
"Macaroni and Cheese."
Now listen, ur cute and I like u because ur cute, but how about puttin' some of that cuteness into writing down the order legibly?!! Alright, it's our busiest night, and I don't need 2 be wasting any time. U got it. Now go back out there and do what u do. Step it up! Step it up! Everybody needs to step their game up. Charlie boy, make sure u don't burn that sauce over there...Lily, make sure, didn't we go over this all week, make sure that u stir tha pot in a counter-clockwise position, that makes all tha difference. Go away from tha sun, away from it....Hey, Stacie, u taking tha rolls out too soon, u gotta...Stac's u have to let them stay in tha oven for 3 more minutes, and then put tha Nutella inside of them. Come On, u were born in Italy, u should know how this thang goes.
"Sorry to interrupt, but Chef?"
What is it now Nikki, u see it's like Grand Central Station back here. Charlie pour tha sauce slow over those mussels...SLOW!!...What is it?
"Well, tha cops are here to see you."
That's nuthin' new Nik's, I got some of Miami's finest eat here all tha time. Pass me that big spoon would ya. Than...I said tha big one! Geez, did anyboy come to work with their game face. Seems like everybody has a gizzard up their pig butt.
"I know, I know...but...I think this is different."
I ain't afraid of no Metro. If they want me bad enough, they gotta come and get me. Send tha Fuzz back here, and we can talk while I work.
"Alright."
Table Four wants some Frizt Chicken with mashed poacitoes with grazzy...Boy, this Nikki girl. I shoulda learned my lesson back up in tha Meatpacking District in New York back in '96, about hiring waitresses according to their measurements instead of their IQ. We had a staff that looked like a Miss Universe pageant. But couldn't know tha difference between a pot and a pan, a beer and a brewski, I asked one if she knew tha difference between Salt and Pepper, and she said, one is always dancing tha latest moves, while tha other, is tha one that constantly says, "Oooh...Ba-by...Ba-by...Ooooh...Ba-by...Ba-by!" I'm glad I didn't ask her anything about my new recipe that involved Red Hot Chili Peppers and Black Eyed Peas! If I did, that would have been one he...
'Are you Chef...Ah, I'm sorry, ur last name is tough to pronounce.'
Yes, I am. And as you can see, I'm busy right now. Let me guess, u want an order of doughnuts, right?!! Well, I think there are some Muchkins left over from Sally's going away party two nights ago. You're welcome to help urself, but if u want some milk, ur on ur own Big Blue.
'How did u know I graduated from tha University of Michigan? Anyways, my name is Joe Friday, and here's my partner..'
Hold up! Ur name is actually Joe Friday? As in tha Dragnet TV Series! That's tha WTF moment of tha week. "Nothing but tha facts...Nothing but tha facts!" (Poor Joe Friday voice imitation) Get Oudda Here!
'I don't think u understand, this is a serious matter. And we need to talk, as soon as possible.'
It's Saturday night. So I only talk while I work. So Shoot...Well, not literally, but just spill ur beans and tell me what's up. Hey, Joey F, u mind passing that bowl of pasta over there. Thanx Joey F.
'Well, we're actually here to arrest you, Chef. For a lot of things...Let me see...Money Laundering...'
Hey, that's debatable.
'....Stealing Apple Iphone 5c's from various warehouses.'
My boy told me he had a hookup. I had no idea that they weren't out yet. Somebody told him they were out in Japan, so...What else.
'...Cooking horrible food.'
Listen, my reputation around this town is impeccable. Yes, I know some big words too. Stupendis. Betcha u can't spell that one. They didn't teach u that in tha academy did they?!! I'm one of tha best cooks around. And what happened to Padma during tha Top Chef filming last season. I told her, here at my restuarant there is a chain of commands as u eat. U first eat, take a sip of water, and then a sip of Pepto-Bismol. U repeat. But noooooo! She wanted to look all pretty for tha cameras. And then when she threw up my Sweat Sock cupcake Concoction, I almost told her a few words that I haven't used since this Mickey D's in Long Island took off Super-Size French Fries off tha menu. Freakin' Hollywood. But I told Padma, use tha Pepto...Use tha Pepto...Ur cooking too slow over their Charlie Boy. I got my eye on you!
'Now there's a whole list of things that covers ur involvement with MTV Diary getting taken off tha air, all the way to u rigging tha Florida Powerball drawing...U have quite tha record. But, me and my partner here, aren't looking to take down tha little fish. We want tha big fish in tha pond. We hear u have a very slick acquaintance, that we're looking for. (Flick!) And we want to talk to him.'
Dude, are u crazy, there's no smoking in tha kitchen. Who are you...Cough, Cough...looking for?
(Puff!) (Smoking Continues)
Listen, I don't know no Puff Daddy, Or P Dizzle or Diddy, or anythang. Somebody told me on his Instagram that he like lost $1 Million or something...But other than that, I have no idea.
'That's not who we want. (Puff!) I want Austino Galaxia.'
Oh.
'See, he's a wanted man. Like, dead or alive.'
Dizzang!! So tha Galaxia has reached that Capone status. Alright. Can't help ya. Stacie, I said ten minutes on those rolls.
'I don't think so. See...(Puff!)...I know u two have been around each other a lot these last 24 hours or so, and I want to know what he's been up to. And ur gonna tell us, or else...'
Or else what?
'Nobody wants to know what that else is...Believe me, nobody wants to know about tha else.'
Ooookay. Alright. Where do I start.
'Tha beginning would be nice.'
Well, we saw some crazy stuff...Um, we saw like this kid trying to help a car park here in South Beach, but tha thing was he was literally guiding tha car right into tha car that was parked. Like it was jamming this thang all up side tha grill. Um, we were at this Publix restaurant, I'm sorry, supermarket...Is that a gun in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me?
(Puff!) 'Both.'
Oh. Anyway, this guy and seemingly his Mom was ahead of us in line. I was reading or glancing (Wink, Wink!) at this tabloid paper that listed tha best and worst beach bodies of tha Summer, when Galaxia noticed that this guy was trying to steal some Grape Juice. I mean, really? They done spent like 200 Rockefellers on groceries and they trying to get their steal on. The checkout lady caught them, and couldn't believe them.
(Puff!) 'Enough with this Hannah Montana stuff, what about Galaxia?'
Well...they're burning that meatloaf over there...Um...Um...He almost got into a fight at Subway this morning.
'Now where getting somewhere...Please...(Puff!)...Continue.'
He went in and got his usual breakfast sandwich. And as he or we, walked in he noticed the two people behind tha counter like ah, how would we say this in Long Island? They were going for a money train ride in tha cookie jar. They were messing with tha money in tha register. Putting money in, taking money out. Evidently they were short or something. But they were doing this for five minutes, without even telling us, "Yo." So unprofessional. So Galaxia was about to snap, he even uttered, 'This is some BS' and I had to calm him down before he knocked over an entire row of Dorito's and Sun Chips. See, he's been on edge of late, cuz he really, really wants to hit this certain level in his life that only Elmo in tha 90s could relate to. He calls it "The Tickle Me" passion, whatever that means.
'Nothing but tha facts, Sir.'
Ur hilerous! So finally this Mommy, put on her clear plastic gloves and made his usual pre-workout sandwich...Egg White Footlong on Whole Wheat, with Cheddar Cheese, Lettuce...Tomato...Pickles...Spinach...Black Pepper...All with tha sandwich being toasted after everything is put on. We chill, tha sandwich came out tha oven. Tha chica kept asking, "Is that all?...Is that all?" I felt like I was back at this Chinese Massage parlor back in South Jersey! She began to ring, my boy up, and she overcharges him. Tha total was like, $6.27, but tha sandwich was $5. Heck, all footlongs are $5 this month. (Shaking his head at tha foolishness) Him and this girl get into a small argument. And...
'I'm sorry. But is tha Nicole or Nikki girl...is she single? I noticed here when we walked in, she helped us and was so nice. But looking at her body of work from tha kitchen, she just spells s-e-x-y.'
Ahhh...I wouldn't bet ur pension check on that! I wouldn't bet-ur-check on-that! So this was crazy, I'm looking at Galaxia and this girl who barely spoke any English argue over 82 cents like Argentines argue about how they are the most proper speaking Spanish country in South America. 82 cents man! Then tha girl pulled Galaxia behind tha register, I'm not joking, she pulled him behind tha register, that looked eerily like an old Sega Genesis game setup. And was pointing to tha 16-bit icons on tha screen, and they were going back and forth how tha sandwich is ringing up $5.75, and Galaxia is pointing to tha sign. While I was just standing up there, scheming in my head how to make a profit by selling Vodka-based ice cream bars to kids after school.
'Did u say scheming?'
Figure of speech. Then this afternoon...
'We got enough.' Here's tha deal. Since u helped us, we're gonna help you. Gonna let u slide on those offenses, but if u ever get into any trouble again, or even dream about doing something wrong, u'll be in cuffs.'
What if I dream about being handcuffed?
'By a cop?'
U can say that.
'Then I will just dream about taking you, tha cop, and any accessories to tha love crime being committed 2 jail as well. U understand.'
Got it. But let me ask what was this crime that had u so up in arms about Galaxia about, that had u charge in here like a lost episode of The First 48?
'He owes like $3 in library book fines.'
And tha 5-0 got involved over that?
'We take it very seriously. U should see how we act over whistling and chewing gum at tha same time. Time well spent. Think we got enough to find this fellow. Chef...thank u for ur time. Looks like that sauce needs some Oregano. Good day.'
Ahhh!!! I can't stand cops. Whatever. They won't find Galaxia. Nobody ever knows what he's up to next. Not even me...Guess we'll all just have to stay tuned to find out. Alright, back to work...Table 13 Candied Yamms, with Stake and and a side order of whahh??...Abble sause?....NIKKI!!!
Galaxia.
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