"Whack!!!"

My field of work is not easy by a long shot,
Tight deadlines, aided by Cuban coffee in a shot cup.
They make it hard for me to advance up tha ladder,
I wanna be a Big Dog with a overcoat, like my hero, Mr. McGruff.

He wanted to take a bite of crime, which was so cool,
Bullying stinks, and he's always on tha neighborhood watch.
Why are kids so mean, by taking things from other kids,
I can see a pair of J's, or a Barbie backpack, but come on, a Capri Sun Pouch?

But I wanted to do something even better, something big,
So for me the choice could not be any more clearer.
Going to school to be a Reporter, to cover celebrities,
I not only wanted to see tha hot ones, but those considered even more fairer.



Tha Angelina's, Tha Paris Hilton's,
Even tha dolls that walked tha Red Carpet for one or two shows.
Then I looked at all tha actors that could stop traffic by a single smile,
Getting chills hearing Joan Rivers say, "Now this hottie, I would even blow!"

That was a dream, one that has gone unfulfilled,
How can I grow into something big by making coffee and doing files.
Felt like I was a 42 yr-old Intern, down at tha News office,
At home wanting to quit, everyday looking at tha phone dial.

Until one day, my so-called Boss came into tha break room,
His voice was stern, so much so that I dropped my Krispy Creme.
'I have an assignment of a lifetime', were tha words I'd never forget,
If I couldn't get a lap dance from Jessica Rabbit, this would have to do as my ultimate dream.

He then told me about this guy who was gonna be a star one day,
But for some reason, all of a sudden he just disappeared.
Like Marilyn Monroe, or even Elvis at their peak,
"Ghost" he became, right when his style was becoming tha most clear.

I had no time to waste, I brushed off my crumbs, and said,
Whatever it takes Boss, I'll give u tha ultimate scoop.
The cigar from his mouth just bounced as he uttered,
'This is ur only chance Kid, but to find him ur gonna need one of those Jetson's Space Coupes!'

 A crumbled piece of paper was then thrown on tha table,
When I opened it, I found this task to be harder than it once looked.
It was a tip from a former bouncer who worked all tha clubs in South Beach,
He knew all tha stars, from Prince to Sly Stallone, and even Dane Cook.

Tha tip was that our subject at hand, had secretly left South Beach,
To a place where nobody, not even TMZ could place a focus lens.
Somewhere so out in tha place of nowhere,
A place very cold, very icy, and where nobody knew if you sinned.

ALASKA??!! Was what I shouted, as I read tha paper,
To make it worse, his location was described by nothing but historic sees.
How in tha World can I find somebody up there?
Especially when tha description includes only snow lakes, and several fir trees.

This was my chance though, and I couldn't say No,
So I grabbed my bag, and unloosened my tie, and ran out tha door.
Running down tha hallways without a conscience,
Only because tha only tri-monthly flight going to this place was scheduled to leave at four.

Zooming on tha streets, like this was my only hope to stardom,
Seemingly in minutes, I went from Ocean Drive to the steps of Terminal C.
I parked my car, right out front, who cared if I got tolled,
My moment of success, by tha minutes, were quickly beginning to flee.

Security went by fairly fast, by most standards,
Don't know what woulda happened if I wore my Timbo's instead of my Toms.
Got distracted a little bit, by tha sight of cameras surrounding Sofia Vergara,
She's so hot, but no time for that, my heart and mind needed to remain calm.

Got to tha doors just in time, what a relief,
They were making tha last call for "Group 3".
I swooped on tha plane, which had no stewardess, that's weird,
No Man's Land is where I was headed, First-Class reserved only for me.

Being tha only passenger on a plane was crazy, and something new,
Especially since this flight was gonna be like a marathon ran in tha sky.
Forgot my phone charger back at tha office, I was in such a big hurry,
Got 2 Chainz of battery left on my phone, after that, it's gonna die.

My phone going dead, was tha last thang on my mind,
All I can think about were tha rejections, and Ex's who told me I would fail.
As those images ran through my mind, tears began to run down my eyes,
Just because of many years of sacrifices, chasing this...Holy Grail.

As The Legends of Summer begun to sing through my headphones,
I realized that this one plane flight was gonna be make or break.
Like tha difference between being tha toast of tha tabloid world,
Or just always wanting to have our slice of tha journalist cake.

Been a long day, so I simply dosed off with my head on a window,
Not knowing that in like a minute's time, I was in tha Alaskan air.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would end up in this place,
Didn't bring my Swiss Army, so I really hope I don't run into a Grizzly Bear.

I got off tha plane, and I was rude awoken by tha coldness,
The crispness I had only felt on a Micky D French Fry.
This John Varvatos jacket will have to do, it's all I got,
But everytime tha wind would blow, I could only wonder and give a hopeless sigh.

The piece of paper, told me to walk three miles from tha airport,
And then 2 miles through tha forest, and don't stop to drink from tha water that taps.
It's completely pitch dark out here, but my phone has saved me again,
Once I made it call during a bad date, now I just wanna Thank God for Google Maps.

After about 4 hours, and right as tha clock stroked Pacific Midnight,
My so called destination was beginning to be appear.
It was dark still, and all I saw was a log cabin,
I grew up in tha mean streets, but still, I proceeded with a little fear.

There was a P.B. on tha side of the mailbox,
Next to it, was a statue of an Ox that in tha misty night looked kinda blue.
Boy, this cabin looked like it was fit for tha folk hero of all-time,
If MTV Cribs were to come in here, they wouldn't know what to do.

I knocked on this huge door, Bang! Bang! Bang!,
The noise just echoed on, yet and still nobody ever came.
Just beyond the door, I began to see something, and hear voices,
A "Whacking" noise, and a glow being lit up by some kind of Bonfire flame.

My eyes then grew big as can be, beyond words though,
Cuz now my subject was now within a nightly sight.
Snow began to drop, right as that moment appeared,
This was beginning to have tha drama of an old Mike Tyson fight.

Austino Galaxia.  Nothing else needed to be said,
He was standing there now, live and in Technicolor HD.
A beard had grown,  a Tom Ford puffy coat on his back,
And how he wore his checkered flannel shirt illuminated a rock star just 'being me'.

He was chopping at tha tree, with a purple Ax,
While this gigantic of a man, was standing with him and pointing.
Who was this guy?  He looked up there in age, but still fit,
Almost like somebody who was once had, "The Sexiest Alive" anointing.

Both of them were hard at work, Whacking at this tree,
Then they stopped, and I heard, "You might as well come out."
I had no choice, for I heard some wolves howling in tha background,
No time to be brave, and prove I had some kind of gangsta clout.

As I walked near them, smiles crossed both of their faces,
And tha man called Galaxia simply said, "I told u, they would find me."
This giant of a man laughed, and patted Galaxia on tha back,
Now I was wondering should I stay in their presence or just flee.

I told them who I was, and who I worked for,
And told Galaxia that I wanted to make a story for tha boys back in tha Beach.
He just ignored me and went back to chopping this big tree, with his Ax,
Maybe sexy girls with a smile are the only ones who now can capture his mind's reach.

Tha Big Guy just looked down on me with haste,
'Galaxia how do u put up with these tabloid guys and their sneaky ways?'
My subject just hacked away, and not even looking up he said,
"U shoulda seen it when I was with this one beauty...Dude, she looked like a modern Doris Day."

I just had no choice but to ask tha Galaxia man himself,
What made u come up yonder to these seemingly lost parts?
He stopped.  While standing, crossed his legs, propped by his Ax handle,
And as tha flame began to flicker, he then told me his...heart.

"I came up here because I wanted to flame my fire,
Only one person alive knew how I really felt.
Yeah, others are going through similar thangs, I guess,
But C'mon, life is so much more than lining up for a sale on Gucci belts.

The last few days in our life, have been interesting,
Learning more and more, to simply let go.
There was a few moments though that made this trip even more necessary,
And for that, I withdrew, and put out some of my travel dough.

See, I made a decision that I was gonna become tha best,
For that dream to happen I had to look within.
Luckily, I'm in good with tha folks up at Disney,
And they told me no problem, they knew of an memorable old friend.

They gave me his number, and unlisted location,
When I arrived, it was as if, he knew everything I was going through.
The most beautiful women, and the battle of fame,
His advice was so special, I didn't know what I would do.

Then he took me to this here tree, and ever since,
I've been hacking away, even through this 1 a.m. snow.
'Never again', was tha motivation of my ever swinging ax,
Through this Wintry season, I had no choice but to gladly mow.

My friend then began to discuss, my new mindset,
On how I shouldn't just look at tha grand big picture set.
Focus more on tha moment, and not on your legacy,
You can't marry a girl, in which u've never even met.

I then told him about a few girls who have crossed my path,
He just said, 'When it is time, believe me it would be time...
Sometimes it's not tha diamond in front of you, that's tha most special,
But tha one who's buried in tha dirt, who is truly worth tha shine.'

So he took me to tha same tree, he used to hack on,
When life seemed so unfair, and he had thoughts of "Why Me?"
Back in his day, he had it all, looks, money, and fans,
Heck, in South Beach guys die for just one, but he had all three!!

But he told me how he felt alone at times, nobody could relate,
On how he thought tha impossible could always happen.
No matter how tough it came, or how people thought he was a Folk hero,
He wanted to be an uplift in life's history...Not make it dampen.

Just because you don't win one contest, doesn't make u a loser,
And he knew, cuz once he somehow came 1/4 inch short of victory wood.
But if anybody could tell me how to handle my life like no other,
I knew that this now tatted, and fully bearded man of legend, definitely could.

So as you come up here to do a story on me, don't worry,
Tell them Galaxia hasn't lost his head or his mind.
He needed to come up here to Alaska to get away for a bit,
To talk with a friend, and maybe even an Eskimo Queen he will find.

Life is like the tree you see me hacking on now,
Yeah, what I just said is more than stating a simple fact.
You may feel like those challenges just won't go away,
They've been here for years, and u feel like ur trying to knock it over with a thumb tact.

But a little fuel to ur flame, can inspire you beyond words,
And u look within and find that u got one more swing in your sack.
Now my Paparazzi friend, you got an hands on witness to this event,
It's not always tha first swing, but tha combination of those after, that makes a tree go...'Splat!'"

With that, his giant friend yelled, 'Tim-burrrrrrr!',
My mouth was wide open, absolutely in complete 'Awe'.
Nobody back home would believe what I had just seen,
My phone just ran out, so I can't even post on Vine what I just saw.

Maybe that's what makes this story even more special,
That only words can describe this unbelievable feat.
Just think about where I was 24 hours ago,
Now for a moment of history, I had a ringside seat.

Austino Galaxia.  Keep that name in mind,
For I believe one day that name will be in tha history books.
The moments of looking within his soul revealed,
Detailing all those days on how being urself can get u dirty looks.

Tonight was different, like a rebirth of sorts,
One that I can tell my kids one day, I was there.
Where two of tha greats stood side by side,
Wacking away like in tha distance with absolutely no fear.

Then all of a sudden the tree fell...Yes, it did,
As tha years go on, tha story will get more hyped with words.
It wasn't 100 foot tree, it was 1,000 feet tall,
And the tree was tha home to 300 types of exotic birds.

No matter what is told though, I know one thing,
There is nothing like living and knowing with ur own eyes.
Just thinking about this night is making me emotional,
So much so, that for the second time in 24 hours, I'm about to cry.

People may not believe me when I get back,
Or call me simply crazy,
But I just saw something, nobody will ever see again under the sun.
I was in tha presence of two folk heroes at once...
Austino Galaxia and none other than tha legendary...

Paul Bunyan.


(Wink!)

With Luv.
Austino Galaxia.