Last season on The New Adventures of Austino Galaxia....Click Here.
Who is this girl pulling up in this Ron Burgundy color Beamer? She looks like she's straight up from a Bollywood flick. I've never dated a girl from that Southeast Asia area. Although, it was this one girl back in tha day here in Miami, who I thought was sexy, and she had a thang for me as well. Very curvaceous and full-figured, sexy face, Manager of a retail store down here in Miami, she was hot. And the only reason I didn't date her was...because she had dirty feet. Like the bottom of her feet were always dirty. I love a girl who takes care of her walkers, how she gets her nails done and painted, I mean if I'm gonna rub them, and possibly get my lollipop on with them, then I want to have something nice to dream...I mean, look forward to. I'm so superficial, I know. Hey, that's why I live in Miami, and have a lot of Los Angeles on tha inside of me. But this girl is...right. As Ludacris would say..."Hmmm???!!" This is like a perfect day, nothing could go wrong...And I'm about to get my convo on with this shorty who reminds me of Priyanka Chopra . Let me get my mouth freshener spray out...(Squirt! Squirt!)...Alright, here we go....
Excuse me, Excuse Me..., I saw u pull up in ur ride, u got tha look of my next girlfriend. Got tha Fendi glasses, U got ur velour pants fitting perfectly, ur belly button looks sexy. You got your neon backpack on, you in school?...I see, I see...Well, how would you to transfer to my school of Galaxia, where I can show you tha stars, where tha moon is always full, and where my comet comes single nigh...
(It's a beautiful day...It's gonna be a beautiful night...Break out tha Champagne...Everybody get a laugh...)
I can't answer that call, right now. So as I was saying...I know every guy comes at you constantly, but I just gotta say, that you look so good that I wanna drop to my knees and sing my alphabet of love. Except there will be two letters missing as I sing...U...R.
(Let's toast it up...Bado-Oh-Ohhhh...Bado-Oh-Ohhhh...Let's toast it up...Bado-Oh-Ohhh....Bado-Oh-Ohhh...Said we play all night...And we play all day...Livin' this Champagne Life...Everythang's Ok...Let's toast it...)
WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN?!!! When I'm about to.. I'm sorry beautiful, I gotta take this call, whatever you do...Don't move. You don't have to pose like...that...Gurl, wait til I get my hands on you. Just wait....Hello...Hello...Yeah, this is Austino Galaxia. WHAHH?!! No, no, you gotta be kidding...Where...Hello, Hello... Can you hear me now? Yeah, I can hear you better now. Where is he at? Alright, I'm on my way....Sorry, Homie, but my best friend is in tha hospital right now, I...I...I gotta go.
(Crazy look on girl's face)
There's my car. I can't believe this. I gotta...(Ding...Ding...Ding...Ding...Shut!)...get over to this hospital as fast as I can. It's just up tha street so it shouldn't...Man, this has been a long week. So emotional. Now my best friend, borderline hero is...This is just too...WILL YOU FREAKING TURN!! (Honk! Honk!) TURN! FREAKIN' A! You got tha light, and u acting like u never seen girls in bathing suits before...u know what, I'm taking tha back route. (Honk! Honk!) SORRY DUDE! But I'm in a hurry...all these road bumps in tha middle of this neighborhood. Hang in there friend. Hang in there, I'm almost there..Come on, do u have to take up tha whole street with your bicycles...(Honk! Honk!) Ok, there's tha hospital, calm down...Calm down. Where's tha Emergency Room, there it is...I know I'm running stop signs, but this is important. Here we are.
(Ding...Ding...Ding..Slam!)
Where's the front desk? Oh, Over there...Yes, Nurse, my name is Austino Galaxia, and I'm hear to see...
'I know who your here to see. He's over in Room 143. You're the only one we're allowing into tha room at this time. I think it's best you go over alone. Just make a right around those skeletons and graveyard ...'
Skeletons?!! Graveyard??? Hey, what in tha living...What kind of freakin' place are you running around here?!
'It's Halloween, and our boss let us decorate a little bit. I wanted to add a Freddy Krueger doll, but..'
Whatever, little Mama...I got no time for tha candy corn. So u said make a right. Got it. I running like crazy through this joint....137...139....141...I remember when I had to come up here, because my well, it's no other way to put it, my nuts were swollen. Having a nurse pull down ur pants, then put this gel so she could give an ultra sound to my little rocket. Trust me, if there was ever a time I didn't want my rocket to blast off, that was it. Talking about Mission Control!...And if she hadda wore that...There it is Room 143. It's so dark...Oh, Lord, please say it ain't so...
(Beep............Beep..........Beep...........Beep.............Beep......Be.....)
This is too much. He's all hooked up to this machine. Look over there. Somebody sent him some Candy Hearts. Look at all these cards from all these people. Kermit and Miss Piggy. Bruce Dub and Selina Kyle...George and Weezie Jefferson...Carrie Bradshaw. She's always alone in all of her pictures, anyway. I'm about to lose it now. Over there he brought his bag of Arrows. Never leaves home without them. (Sniff! Sniff!) He never leaves home without them....
(BOOOOOOOOP.....BOOOOOOOOP!)
OH LORD! Please don't take him now, please don't take him....Take me, take me...Don't let him die on my watch, I'll do anythang....I promise I won't Instagram stalk that girl anymore....
"Galaxia."
I promise, I will use cash instead of my debit card all tha time....
"Galaxia."
I promise, that I won't dream about librarians making out with me, like I did last night. Even though for the record, Lord, she did make the first move, kissing all up on me...How come Lord, you woke me up before I could check out her Card Catalog? Anyways... Just please...PLEASE! DON'T TAKE MY FRIEND! PLEASE...PLEASE...
(Whack!)
Dang Lord, I didn't think you held Librarians in such high esteem. I was just joking.
"Galaxia, would you stop it. Go over there and put that plug back in tha machine, you about to blow my cover."
BIG C!! My friend...You're ok. IT'S A MIRACLE...WHIP!
"Shhhh! Everybody thinks I'm about kick tha soup can, and go up to that great Aisle 3 in tha Sky, but I just had to get away."
Flech...but why are you...
"Faking it. In my line of duty, 'Faking It' sometimes...Let's just say keeps all hearts kosher."
Big C, I didn't know you were Jewish. If I hadda known that, I would asked you to hook me up with this Jewish chick up in Palm Beach. She's smoking, Big C, lives right on Worth Ave., rocks that Pra-rada and Clo-wee, and peep this she can rap too. One night at karaoke at B.B. Kings joint, me and her tore up that French Montana joint. I was like, "I ain't worried about nuthin'....I ain't worried about nuthin'...", I had on my snapback, sunglasses, tank, I was on it. Then, my girl flipped tha script and dropped tha remix version, spitting Myley Cyrus' part to a tee. Except she did it in straight up Yiddish! I ain't never seen anythang like that. It was crazy bro! After that we ate some ribs, and we split a tall glass of chocolate milk.
"Still tha same Austino Galaxia, I see. A kid with tha looks of Ken, but still has tha brains of Barbie. Look, you didn't tell me it was gonna be like this. I mean, tha first time I came down here to South Beach, I knew tha dating scene was wild, but...After I hooked up with you, and girls knew I was in town. They've been all up on me. Hook me up with this guy, that guy...Dolphin players..UM football players...Miami Transit Train Conductors....I even had a little girl text me, asking me to hook her up with her first-grade teacher!! That's why I'm laying low, like my LA neighbor and friend Snoop used to say..."
Dude, you know Snoop Dizzle is in town tonight. He's gonna be at Story.
"For real. I can't leave 2night, it's too early. But I could...Never mind...But you on tha other hand. Brotha we got to talk."
Oh boy! Here we go.
"Dude, we last talked in what...June? Bro, u have had a lot of thangs going on. I've heard from my sources that...well, I'll let you tell your side of tha story."
What is there to tell? I mean, every since you've left it's been tha same thang. Be cool with this girl or that girl...Then find out this thang, or that thang, or she has a boyfriend, or whatever...And it becomes another used to be. Tha junk is @#$!-ed up.
"Hey, you watch your language around me. Alright. A gentleman keeps his cool under all conditions, especially when it involves tha matters, influences and acquaintances of tha heart."
Whahh?
"I've been watching a lot of Law and Order since I've been in here alright! Um...Where was I...Oh, yes...I've been reading some of your stuff. I want you to live as if you've already have it. Recently, ur writing like it's a possibility, instead of an actuality. That's not just with ur love life, Son. Dude, u gotta live it up. I know u got a lot to prove, and this, that and a third, but I want u to...How can I put this? Live like tha Morning after instead of tha Night before. Does that make since?"
So you want me to gently pull tha covers of the bed I'm sleeping in, and softly place a Post-It note on tha bedroom lamp stand that says, 'Thanks. It was good.', and then pick up my clothes off tha ground. And then...quietly tip toe my way down tha stairs....
(Serious Glance.)
I got where u coming from, Big C.
"Now. I'm gonna tell you this, and then u gotta go, cuz tha nurse is coming back and she's nice. Really...Really nice. (Wink!) Things are about to get wild. But you've been prepared for it, so you should be ok. I know some things still get at ya, like when u saw that one girl today."
How do know this stuff?
"Hey, I'm Big C!! Tha Real Deal...I know she still looks good, and u can barely look at her, but that was part of your journey. U did nothing wrong. Move on, you hear me....MOVE ON! One day, everybody will see you for who u really are. Just a goofy kid who wants to have fun, and wants to share his lifestyle of luxury with others. Period. Now, I'm not kidding, I want to see a change in you. Are we solid?!"
We solid. (Fist Dap!)
"Cool. Now I gotta go back to sleep. I'm not leaving South Beach until my job is done. I came here for one reason and one reason only."
Why, thanks Big C. That's so humbling to know ur still down here for me.
"No, dummy! I'm gonna have me an exhibit at this year's Art Basel. It's called...'Love, Either u got me or you don't.'...Whadda think?"
Ah...Don't charge them for that. Just don't.
"Alright, my brotha, you take care, and remember...The Morning After....It's about to get really wild, so just enjoy yourself. Oh, and Happy Birthday."
That's next week, Big C.
"No. Now u may not understand it now, but u'll soon find out why I said it tonight. Now, Get Oudda Here!"
(Door Shuts)
"Another night with tha Galaxia Man. That's my boy. Last of a dying breed. Now who can I hook him up with...(Finger Snap!)...I know...I absolutely know. I got one arrow left over in this here bag. Let me check this thang out... Do I still got it?...With one arrow left, it's hit or miss, but I always hit my target. I mean, that's why some call me Flecha....Alright, Ready...That's why Galaxia honors me as Tha Big C....Now, Aim... And that's why I'm known around the world as...And Fire!!"
'Ouch!! Mr. Cupid, u hit me with this arrow. Why does it have "AG" on it.'
"Bullseye!! Sorry, Miss Nurse, that's personal. But I can say this that just like that, and I can promise you...I won't miss my target. There is no way I'm gonna miss...Now where were we..."
(Beep.....Beep.....Beep......Beep.......Beep.)
With a hug!
Sir Austino Galaxia.
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