Aw man! I just realized that my fridge I think has been opened for the last...gulp!...two hours?!! What in the Galaxia is goin' on? I just woke up not too long ago from takin' that patent Friday evening nap, that so many of us take around the globe...either because they are tired as a ton of bricks from the previous week or simply because they don't wanna have their upcoming party pics looking like Rip Van Winkle's, not Vanilla Ice youngins, but the cat daddy who slept for like 20 years...that don't even sound right, but if he has his own Wikipedia page, then it has to be true right?!!...What is going on'? Now my Herschel backpack just fell down out of the Chicken Little sky...boy, I know it's like Freddy Krueger semi-birthday and all, but this has to stop...
It's been really crazy as of late down here in tha Magic City of Miami. The last few days I think I've driven behind the "worst driver in the world"...twice. The first time, we was on the A1A about to hit tha bridge coming back home here to South Beach, and this black Willie Beamer ride, first cut me off a little bit...which I didn't Ruben Studdard cuz my mind was on just enjoying life along with the views of the cruise ships and Star Island and stuff...but then all of a sudden, this dude started to literally 'trip'. Driving all slow and stuff, and going side to side in tha lane, I'm like this is getting ridiculous...Traffic was beginning to pick up as well, so I could complete a Drew Brees pass around him, even though that woulda cost me $100 million, the way this character was driving, I was willing to give up Beiber-money just to get 2 tha crib...
U live down here in Miami, u're used to whack driving...but on this occasion, I don't know what hit us dude! A rage began to grow within me. I'm not sure if it was the "Pookie" about to come out (My Pops) or if I was still upset that Tampa beat us to the fruit punch by naming the "Cuban Sandwich" their official hero or what...but I was beginning to get a little hot under the collar. Then as I was pacing myself behind this...keep it clean, Galaxia...guy...I kept seeing that he was reaching like to his right...and kept doing it. Now I've heard of people in the passenger seat reaching over to their left to participate in a little "class session" if u know what I mean (I had to say that, sorry kiddos!), but what was this cat doing? I get a little closer and yep...here we go...this guy was eating as he was driving. But the way he was driving (Slow pace, Getting his road swerve on) let me know that he was a novice to this game. Didn't he know...let me explain...
When eating while behind the wheel of a vehicle, there are some things you should know (Wow! I totally sound like those old TNBC Saturday Morning public announcements!)...like:
- Never put your food in the passenger seat when driving alone. You either get you a bath towel, it'll be better if u kept one in tha car, but if not, get u one of them towels from your local Dollar store, and place that bad boy in ur lap, to act as a placemat and for proximity for eating. If that option doesn't work, or if your car was made after 1976, then you have another option of placing your bag or whatever in the cup holder area, or open up the arm rest bank, and deposit your goods in there.
- If you are travelling with a companion....this gets a little tricky. When ordering from a drive-thru...If both of you are of the same gender (Guy/Guy) or (Girl/Girl), you simply ask the person to give you "your" food once you come to the nearest stoplight. Please note: If you live in the wild 200's of South Miami, u're food will be cold!...If you are of different genders (Guy/Girl) or I guess that's the only options right...then after you get your food from the window...("Did u put ketchup in here like I asked?? And can a brotha get some nampkins so I can put them in my glove compartment!!")...you let that person get their food first from the bag, and then simply, wait til they get done talking about how they cried when Britney and Justin broke up, and then you ask for your food...Immediately, stoplight bookmark, not needed. Sounds easy, doesn't it.
So this guy was going back and forth, and slow, and under normal circumstances if this was a Saturday night, and he had on a blond wig, I might've stopped him to ask, "What's Up?!!" But since this wasn't a day I was diggin' blondes, I needed this Joe Blow to move over...wrong terminology...this...guy to simply move over so I could move on wit my day. As I got closer, I was in a zone like the old '72 Dolphins "No Name Defense". I black'd out...from all I can remember. All I remember is...One, trying to do my best to remember the license plates of the vehicle. I'm not even sure why I was trying to attempt to do this, as if I was gonna look him up on the internet, and find out where he lives, wait outside with a Driving for Dummies book, and tie him down with invisible tape and force him to watch a marathon of The Surreal Life! Not that it crossed my mind or anything! I tried hard too...it was like "Florida Z28...something." I guess I need to eat more carrots...
Then for two, I recall it appearing like he was eating some French Fries from his passenger seat, cuz I could see his head tilt back like he was some kind of Greek god being fed grapes by some comu...conku...how do you spell it...K-o-n-k...that's it...konkubine or somebody. If they were fries from Rally's/Checkers I would have let him go, but at the 37 degree angle and how he wasn't looking at the road, they had to be some leftover fries from White Castle, that his Moms or somebody sent down here via USPS, since we don't a 'snack pack' empire down here ourself! It was tough...
So that was episode #1.
Today, after I pit stops at the Target in Midtown, where first I almost cried when I saw that some of my food go-to items weren't on sale...two, I happened to get in tha line that had the cutest girl working the register, yet had the customers with the most items in their cart than you could imagine (Why is it always like that?!)...And it was kind of suspect too, like what guy walks up with cooking spoons, and freakin' sticker tattoos and bottle of detergent, I mean...really?!!...Then on the 3rd tip, I was debating within myself, while waiting for this mini-Shop Til' U Drop episode to conclude, whether I should get the regular price items, or wait until the new weekly sales begin on Sunday (Since I'm probably gonna be eating out until then anyway), and leave Shorty Bee Hop with the meat. I decided the latter, and told homegirl she could take the meat cuz I don't want it. It's a sad sight to see a girl put 12 pieces of Frozen Chicken and 6 Turkey Burgers under tha register, but at least it wasn't milk! Which led me to my final stop over at Fresh Market to get the gulp...
After that, I'm taking Bay Road over to West Avenue, so I can head south to our showroom, and as I'm in the right lane, I immediately see this car in the opposite direction take the left turn, and not obey rule #402 on who has the proper rightaway on a turn (It was us...I may have flinked the driver's test the first time I took it, but I got that one right!...that's a true story, by tha way, and for another day)...and you're probably thinking I reading all this constant criticism about driving, from a flunky who couldn't even pass the his Driver's License test his first time?!!! (You can insert your quizzical facial expression...now!) Ha, Ha!! But that's how we do it in South Beach...and besides them DMV tests are culturally bias. I mean, when was the last time, u've seen somebody parallel park in between some orange cones? The other day by Lincoln Road, I saw somebody parked with the rear hopping the curve...but they had that neighborhod zone sticker, and here in "the land of the beautiful people" that's what will prevent u from getting a starring role on South Beach Tow.
So this dude broke that rules...fine. See it all the time...but then he started, once again, with this Driving Miss Daisy...Fuentes, speed limit. (Is she single?...huh...I wonder...) I'm like, "C'mon Guy"...I got like 3 minutes and 45 seconds to get home before this half gallon of milk goes bad, and I gotta get me some grits this afternoon, or I'm not gonna be nice 2 deal with later tonight! But once again, he had the creepy drive where it was like he was just checking out "tha scene"...you know how the story goes. This time I didn't try to remember his car, although it was black, with a big dent in on the left side of the trunk, his license plate was from Georgia, and other than that, no recollection. I finally, turned off from him on West and 8th street, kept driving wondering how come I'm waiting for like 4 minutes just to make a turn past Michigan Ave., due to all this unforeseen cars who kept coming, and coming...But I finally got to the spot. And there u have it.
Crazy afternoon huh. Welcome to our life...the movie that just keeps on getting better and...better.
Austino Galaxia.
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