Assignment: Love and War

Previously on The New Adventures of Austino Galaxia...Click Here...

And now tonight's latest installment...Enjoy!


(Knock...Knock...Knock)

(Knock...Knock...Knock)

"Coming..."

(Door Opens)

'I'm back...me friend..'

"Oh, it's you."

'Ah...Yes...Zhe Great Yammi at yours ser-vi...cio.  How have's you been since we've last...ah...chatted.'

"Been alright...(Yawn!)...just been trying to clear our mind a little bit.  So what happened with your court thingy over in Paris?"

'Ha...zhe Judge ah...threw zhe case out of zhe courts.  He said that zhe girl was ah...I guess zhere wasn't enough evidence against me.  I a tolds him that I didn't force anythings zhat 4th of July night, but...zhese girls can't resist zhe..'

"I know...I know...The Great Yammi, right?!"

'Yes.  I have what ah...zhe rap-per Nelly says...ah...zhat Pimp Juice.'

"Whatever....so a lot of stuff has gone on since you've been away in regards to my boo..."

'Ah...Who?'

"I mean Sir Galaxia.  Sorry...I did a little research on Galaxia's website.  He hasn't written in a few days, and I know that when that happens, just from knowing him that means that he's not only been busy, but has had a lot of things on his mind."

'U mean like in Who's gonna win zhe Heisman?'

"The What?...No...So I know that whenever he has things on his mind he only goes to one place..."

'A Snow Party at ah...Alexander's house?  Tell him to ah...use zhe back door when zhe coppers show.'

"Where do u come up with this stuff?  No, stupid, he goes to a music store to clear his mind.  So the other day, I sent one of my friends, to scope out this Spec's Music place, that's going outta business.  Music for cheap, will guarantee a cameo appearance by Austino."

'Ah...Go on...'

"So the subject did show up, my girl was hanging out by the record area while watching him do some shopping.  But according to her, he really didn't go into his usual 'buy the bar' routine, only settling on two items and left.  Kind of strange."

'Huh.  It is, just by me sneaking around his place before I left, I could tell  zhat he's a recovering shopaholic.  He should be on zhat show MTV ah...True...True....'

"MTV's True Life."

'Yes!'

"Well, he claims he's a funaholic now but I know it's still in him.  Something's wrong, I just sense it."

'Why don't you just call him?  Ask him what's up...ask him is he ok...ask him if I can get a visitior's parking pass for zhis South Beach.  Me tired of parking in zhe Parking Garage at zhis Fresh Market, and walking 2 miles.'

"I just might...you don't think it'll be too much.  I know he's about to be out and about, so...."

'Calls him.'

"Ok.  Here goes..."

(You're Like My Favorite song...Just Wanna Turn You On and Rock You all Night Long...Cuz I....I...Just Wanna Be Your Man...You're Like My...)

'Hello.'

"What's up, Babe!"

'Oh, I'm so glad to here from you doll.  It's been one of those days.'

"What's up?"

'It seemed like nothing went right on today. I tried to do this video thing for my website via YouTube and...'

"Wait!  You're back on YouTube?!!  Pooh it's been like ages since that's happened.  Like the whole world has changed.  I think the last time you did that we were togeth...yeah...continue."

'Yeah, girl.  But we were doing that for like 3 hours messing around with our computer that's been acting up. While dealing with that, I didn't even go shopping like I wanted to.  I had plans to..'

"Told You."  (Whisper Voice)

'Huh?  Did you say something?'

"Nuh-uh."

'But in doing that I couldn't even go shopping for music or get up North to Fort Lauderdale like I wanted to. That got me heated...Then I began to think about all the complexities of life, and why this and this is happening...or why does it just have to be so hard.'

"Babe.  I told you that sometimes it just doesn't happen as fast as you like it too.  I was watching the Lakers/Thunder game last night and the commentator Jeff Van Gundy said that as well.  You just have to remain patient and everything will work itself out."

'You always said that, but when does enough become enough.  Sometimes I just feel like everything is on me, you know.  Like perhaps I've created something that's so much bigger than ourself.  You feel like you should be done paying the dues needed for success, and you sometimes just get fed up with having to wait or having to bite your tougue when you feel like u should be doin' the fool...'

"Or at least The Dougie."

'Julia...I'm not joking.  It's serious.  Sometimes I think people get bored with excellence or with the same old same old, maybe I should just change everything about me and just fit in like everybody else instead of talking about having fun and showing love.  It's not easy...It's not fuc...'

"Watch ur mouth, Babe.  Listen....u recall all those tough times I had when we were together, and how you kept me motivated when I didn't get the gig or the cover of a magazine or when they didn't like me just because I was what they said, "too curvy"...u remember what u told me."

(Silence.)

"Well, you told me that sometimes in life you have to pay the ultimate price for the ultimate prize.  I had a hard time understanding that.  It does seem like it's never gonna end and that there's no Lucky Charms at the end of the rainbow, but if u hang in there, there is."

'But when is enough...enough.  I've been through, I feel like everything...Like...sometimes I just feel like I've done all that I can do, and that it's not fair that I have to go through this route when I feel like others are doing whatever they want to do, and getting their's.  Isn't it time, Julia, for us to get ours??'

"First off, relax.  I know you've been working trying to do the right things and stuff, just believe that all the hard work, and the attitude of having fun and being different will pay off.  I think u told me that being different is sexy...right?"

'If it's so sexy, then why did you break up with me?'

"I...I...."

'See this is tha thing...actions speak so much louder than words.  I was thinking the other day about how many girls I have had episodes with.  And all the complexities that have surrounded those relationships.  Whether it was folks who just got divorced...Religion differences...games being played.  I'm not bitter or anything, even by how you left me, but sometimes when u have a day like we've had on today or as crazy of a week we've had, u just wonder has anything, and I do mean anything been worth it?  Everything's blind faith right now...I get tired of thinking about "tomorrow", I want it right now.  And I think I deserve that.'

"That's the problem with you, and when we were together."

'Wait...Wait...I treated you like a queen.  EVERYTIME we were together, so don't you dare begin to say any trouble when we were dating... Cuz all those trips...all those Louis bags, the same brown and tan things, how many did you buy?  Huh...that's what I figu...'

"What u have to understand is that this world or galaxy or whatever doesn't revolve around you all the time.  U don't realize what's going on...you have it good.  U do basically whatever you wanna do.  You live in South Beach, one of the ultimate and hottest zip codes on Earth, I mean, so what if this happened or some girls did you wrong.  You have to move on, and not get so down, just because everybody...Everybody isn't gonna like you.  Your time will come.  In regards to our relationship...I got tired of all the stories I heard about your past love life.  I know you had to tell them, but I felt like you didn't give me any respect.  You never mentioned me in any of your diary posts, it was all this Argentinean girl or this woman who was married...a girlfriend can only be put up with so much of being disrespected."

'I don't believe I'm hearing this right now.  Not from this Brazilian girl who...'

"I think you need to watch yourself before you say something you might regret..."

'I know I'm not hearing this from somebody who messed with every photographer who shot her.'

"Babe..."

'I know I'm not hearing this from a girl...and I do mean... girl, who once went over to a well-known actor's house with his wife inside.'

"You know what...."

'I know I'm not hearing from a girl who slept with...'

(Click.)


'So...how's it go?'

"I can't stand him...I CAN'T STAND HIM!!"

'Wha...?'

"He thinks he's the only one who's going through something.  He thinks he's the only one who had their heart broken.  It's like he's owed something.  (Huge Blow)  This is what you have to understand when dealing with people like this.  When you've seen as much as he has, it's almost as if these people of success thrive on challenges.  They embrace this sort of 'underdog' role when they are really the chased and not the chaser."

'I don'ts under-stands...is zhis some kind of Dr. Phil talk?'

"No, Yammi.  It's just that, when you have gone through the struggles, u realize that the challenges have made you better."

'Yeah, but I don't underst...'

"So, once you reach a certain success you make up all these things to put you back in the mindset of what go you to the moutain in the first place. It's like you've won the Powerball, got the winning ticket in your hand, but you are still waiting at the gas station wanting to buy 20 tickets."

'Zhat's ah...true.'

"I've dated so many men like him, but he just continues to think that the world is against him.  Or that the laws of life have him in a corner when he's really in a better place than he thinks.  I think that if he really got the bank account or if he were to meet the girl he wanted to in the past, we wouldn't see the man we see right now.  It's like he wouldn't have survived cuz that feeling of being cursed was actually the feeling of being gifted.  Many of us have that go on within us...but when u deal with Galaxia, it's a whole nother level."

'And you look good too.  There is a God!'

"Shut up, Yammi!  The thing this guy doesn't know is that I know him better than he knows himself.  I know what turns him on...what makes him tick...what to wear and say...and now I'm gonna make him pay for treating me like he did on today.  He's created something he can't handle, and I'm gonna exposed him for who he truly is, and not what he thinks he is."

'So what do you have in mind?'

"Yammi...meet me downstairs in the lobby, we're gonna go get some breakfast and...talk."

'You sounds like you's have...a plan.'

"You have no idea....and neither does he."

A.G.

Assignment: A Commercial

A word from our sponsor...

Assignment: An Angel Talks

Last seen on The New Adventures of Austino Galaxia:

"...Boss...I going to be straight as a lightning bolt with you's...I may be going to jail."

'...You know you're putting me in a tough situation, right...Yammi.'

"Oh, how I love me's Boss.  Galaxia.  Zhis Court Case.  Julia...Zhis is one of zhose nights..."

And now tonight's episode...Enjoy!


December 4th, 2012.

I have like, no idea what to do.  I don't know if I can even trust these guys.  The Boss is somebody who seems cool, but I've never seen his face.  He reminds me of Doctor Claw from Inspector Gadget, yet I haven't even seen his paws.  Then you got this Yammi fellow, who is nothing but a playboy and I know he wants to bean bag me and he's gonna make a move on me sooner or later, but I'm just gonna put on my Brazilian swag, and ignore him...Then again, it would be nice to get some attention, and he is kinda cute.  Oh, I can't fall for a guy like that, besides yesterday he had a court case all the way in Paris.  At least he's traveled...Oh, man, what should I do.

How did I end up in this situation, down here in Miami Beach?  I guess only two words come to mind...Austino Galaxia.  When I first met him at that party , I just knew it was just something different about him, but I didn't know what.  I shoulda known that when he dissed me over those gold and purple Louboutin shoes my Mom got me, that he was just trying to get to me.  But I guess it worked.  I recall so much and he told me so much.

I remember on our first date he told me that I wasn't his "type".  Which was alright, but he went on to tell me how at the time he was digging those blond, tan girls with, let me see how did he put it...with a 'Cali...fornia Personality'.  What in the friggin' Golden State is that supposed to mean?  And then on top of that he told me name after name, and I was like, "He's such a conceited creep."  If that wasn't enough, he continued to talk about how not only girls like him, but guys too.  So??  I mean who cares.  He acts like he's the only hot guy in the planet or excuse me, in tha galaxy or whatever.  Guys and girls hit on me all the time too.  The minute I tell somebody that I'm from Rio Day Jay, their eyes light up.  I probably can get anybody I want, but I'm not that type of person, and with people, or me being in the spotlight, and folks recognizing me I have to watch out.

Wow!  This is some type of view of the Atlantic Ocean from this hotel room.  I wonder if I could see myself living here...and if so, could me and that guy ever get back together again.  Rumor has it, that he's a free agent & on the market.  This afternoon, my girl Almond called me with all kinds of tidbits on his love life.  She told me how, him and this one girl were in the same room, and how just a few days ago they were cool, and feeling each other, to now, they barely had, or Pooh...I guess I'm the only one who calls him that still...Austino barely even spoke to him.  I told Almond, that's just like him...it's not that he holds grudges but it's just that he doesn't forget, when somebody has given the effect of 'rejection' towards him.  He knows he has the ultimate lifestyle so when somebody doesn't want to join in on the fun, it blows his mind like Eve and Gwen.  The guy has an ego the size of Antarctica, he just doesn't show it all the time.  But that's what I lov...I mean like about him.  He's confident.  And he wants things a certain way...it's almost a gift but sometimes it feels like his appetite for sharing fun can seem like a curse cuz others just don't understand.

That's my girl, Almond.  She keeps it so real with me all day, e-very day.  She was telling me how somebody like scratched Pooh's car the other day.  I don't know how she gets her info, maybe she should be on this case instead of me!!  But how Galaxia was a little hot but not like some times past.  I remember not too long ago, he called me in Brazil to tell me of this wacky incident that unfolded right before his eyes. He's seen and done so much.  No wonder he speaks on dating nothing but '10's', and only dealing with models and actresses and those girls who know both sides of being...different.  That's why we clicked so well.

Austino always tried to make me better.  Whenever we spent the night together we would just spend hours in bed, just talking.  He would tell me about the books he read.  Let me tell you, he has quite of a collection. I bought him a few...I know he loves autobiographies, so I got him some on Madonna, Willie Mays, The Rock, a bio on Elvis.  He only wants to read about people who either have reached or are going where he wants to be.  Which is the top.  I remember this one night, I had a video shoot here in Miami.  He took me to one of his secret love spots in Brickell.  I don't know how many other girls he's taken back there, off of Brickell Ave., and right behind the Four Seasons hotel, it has such a private walkway, and the view is so heavenly.  But he told me how, he didn't want a girl that he could look in her eyes all day.  He said his new focus is to find a "beautiful and cool" gal who not only looks in his eyes, but looks in the same direction as he does.  I later found out that he got that from the Ice-T book I let him use, but it fits.

I remember all those days of me coming to South Florida on a model shoot or magazine article.  Whenever I got off from work, he was waiting for me with 'Sasha' (His ride, don't ask!) and we would just drive, and laugh and put on some Pitbull or N.O.R.E or even some old jams from Sean Paul.  He just knew how "Get Busy" would get me all wound up!  I guess he had a hidden message in his musical choice.  We would just ride up outta of the city, he likes to get away from the wildness of South Beach where he lives, and I like to see new things as well.  We would go vintage shopping in Fort Lauderdale.  Out of The Closet has some of the coolest deals.  I gotta visit the one in Los Angeles next time I'm out there!  The one in Sobe is nice as well.  Our trips up to Boca Raton are also legendary.  He calls it, "My Hamptons South".  He loves it up there, and has told me that if he didn't live in Miami, he would live up there.  I remember going up to some Publix grocery store up there, except it was so different because it was nothing but healthy foods or a natural foods grocery store.  Pooh told me he hadn't seen one like it down in South Florida.  He's so...he goes too far really.  I mean, no butter...no sugar...I've seen him eat Eggo waffles with no Syrup.  Just plain...Now I'm a sexy nut when it comes to health, but I just didn't think I'll ever meet my equal.  Oh...he can't stand that sweetner either, just this Natrataste stuff.  He says that anything else makes him pimple out...how could I have ever fallen for this guy??

So many memories huh?  What to do?  Should I continue...c'mon Diary tell me something!  Don't just let me get all emotion writing all this stuff.  For some reason I think I'll continue, not for those guys like The Boss and Yammi, but for myself.  Maybe his diary online, and the stories he told weren't so far fetched after all.  Although the first time I read about him talking about this Columbian beauty, I had to put my hands over my eyes, cuz he's so up front about the whole ordeal.  I wonder if he's gonna write about what happened or is happening between me and him.  I told him I don't care if he does or not...but I'm not sure if he'll take me up on it.  Especially all the fun we had behind...

(Don't talk...Baby just move with me...Take a...)

See.  There he is now.  Should I pick up this call and talk to him.  It's late.  I'm just so....

(Don't talk...Baby just move with me...Take a...)

Sorry, Galaxia.  If it's important you'll leave a message.  Maybe this was my last chance though...Why do I let this guy drive me so crazy.  I've dated so many guys, athletes, rappers, actors, heck I even dated Dr. 90210, but this guy is the only one who...I don't know.  Anyway....I have to get some rest.  This is about to get real crazy in my life.  I'm just gonna ride the wings of uncertainty and hope that everything will work itself out.  And it real.  It has to.  Besides, I'm Julia Angelica Guiterrez.  If he or anybody wants me they're gonna have to chase me.  Whoever is willing to do that, will get the gem that I am.  And besides I expect a guy who  loves challenges like Pooh to do his best to win me back, even though he won't admit it.  I just know him.  Watch...if it's important he'll leave a message...and in 4....3...2....1....

(Beep.)

Told ya.  I got him.  For now...I think I better cherish these moments though.... I just have a funny feeling it won't be long before the rest of the world will as well.

Love ya!!
XOXO!!

Julia

A.G.

Assignment: Courting A Boombox.

Previously on The New Adventures of Austino Galaxia...

And now today's newest episode...Enjoy!

Dear Monsieur:

You have been summons to appear at the League of Justice courts, in Paris, France on 3 December 2012.  Your summons is in regards to the incident involving Mademoiselle Chanella Jacque on the 4th day of July 2012.  A failure to appear for this court case will result in a physical placement of you on a plane to our location.  In addition to a fine up to 1,000,000 Euros.  Our address is attached on the back of a coupon for a McDonald's French Fry carton...This is your final and only warning.

   Au Revoir.

"You's gots to be kidding...right?  Zhis cannot be's happenin....I have's to call zhe Boss.."

(Ring...Ring...Ri...)

'Hello.'

"Ah...Boss...it's a me."

'Yammi, do you know what time it is?  You're not in jail again, are you?  I told you South Beach after dark is a whole nother level from your days up in Canada.  A few years ago, when I was down there I thought everything was cool until I met this one dame...next thing I knew it, I woke up with my hands cuffed up in saran wrap, an apple lying next to me, my money all taken except for some Canadian pennies, and that wasn't even the worse of it...'

"Ah...Really?"

'Yeah, kid...to make matters worse the broad had the nerve to leave me with the sounds of an old rap cassette of Kris Kross, all while the TV was showing the Director's Cut of the movie, Gigli.   That stuff will kill you!'

"Ri....ght...Boss...I'm in trouble."

'Give me the...wait, let me sneak out of my bed first, don't wanna wake up...I don't even remember her name.  Geez...Kid don't ever chose your love for the night by saying, "A-E-I-O-U" at a bar...they're wild bro...wild!  Alright, I'm on the deck...what's going on?'

"Well...Boss...I going to be straight as a lightning bolt with you's...I may be going to jail."

'What?'

"I'ves just been given a letter by zhis ah... concierge telling me zhat I must be in court by's tomorrow or else...Me...ah...Gangnam Style...ah...fi-nessh!"

'What is this all about, Yammi?  How did they even find you?'

"I don't know's Boss...Zhis has something to do with zomething zhat happened in Pair-rey several months ago when I was on ah...va-ca-shone.  I met zhis..."

'Tell me the details later on...When do you have to leave?'

"I have to be zhere on zhe 3rd...or else?"

'You can't leave now...this is a big weekend involving Galaxia.  You know you're putting me in a tough situation, right...Yammi...Yammi....'

"Boss, I know...I've been following zhis Galaxia, and I'm seeing some wild stuff...check zhis out...I was following him in his ah...ride, which needs a wash, but...no one but me could ah...tell.  He was on zhis street Canary Road or I'm sorry, Bird Road...and he came to a light of zhe stop.  He was chilling, and I was behind, and he was jamming to zhis Michael Jackson song called 'Ghosts', which reminded me of when I had a layover in...ah...Chicago and zhis beauty told me about a party on zhe Gold Coast.  I went... Oprah was zhere...Ah...Her BFF Gayle got on zhe piano to sing Brandy's "Best Friend" and these two Ford Models wanted to Facebook me...I told zhem I ,'don't do zhe book, but I'm on Insta..ah..gram.'  Zhey said zhey will give me a live audition, so zhey came back wearing zhese La Perl..."

'WILL YA GET BACK TO GALAXIA!!'

"Sorry, Boss...So he's stopped.  And zhis guy with a Mohawk, and sleeveless top comes next to him in zhis white Sienna van.  And begins to try to get Galaxia's attention.  Using zhat special microphone you sent me, I could hear him yell, "Put on 91.9."  Galaxia did.  Zhe guy says..."Zhat's raw...zhat's Christian Rap...he gives him zhe peace sign, and he was Audi."

'Yammi...(Yawn...)...that's cool and stuff.  But, once again, if you've been doing your homework, you woulda learned that it's a known fact of how many crazy interactions this guy has with total strangers.  He's wrote about it several times.  But you're trying...what else?'

"Well, Boss...zhere's been a lot of stuff.  He's about to finish his music run of ah...like 25 albums added to his collection within zhe last 6 weeks.  I think zhe last one is Zhe System...Oh, and  some John Mayer, guy."

'Now, The 80's that's real music!  The System!  I don't even have that one...that's when I used to rock and sock 'em, Yammi.  Sunset in LA...Studio 54 in NYC...Hey...you don't happened to know what else he's been listening to, do ya!  I might have to have ya...take a few...you know...pictures, that is.'

"Boss....I's a have a list.  Check zhis out...

John Legend's ah...Once Again

Brownstone

Jamiroquai...I had zhis one too.  Dynamite is zhe name of it...

Zhe Black Eyed Peas...Zhe Beginning...I love zhat Dirty Bit song...so many ah...memories...

Elgin or Ginuwine...one of zhem...

Robin Thicke...Zhe Bachelor Ginuwine...Hey ain't zhat zhe same guy?... 

Wham!"

'Hold on, Yammi.  This guy has Wham!?  The one with my song,  "Everything She Wants"?  But that's from like 1984, did they even make CD's back then?'

"Yeah, Boss.  Zhis guy has it all!  Zhis list is long, do you want me to tell you zhe rest later?  I knows it's late..."

'I'm up now!  Plus....(Yawn...)...I just looked back inside the loft and Lavalife just ran this wild commercial.  It's amazing what comes on during the wee hours of the night.  Go ahead...wait...don't be alarm by beeps alright.'

"O...Kay??"

(Beep...Beep-Beep...Beep....Beep...Beep...Beep....Beep-Beep-Beep...Beep.)

'And...Save.  Ok...Sorry, about that Yammi, but I had to get that number in my phone, the way Cindy was looking in that commercial, it was like she was talking directly to me.  What else, Yammi?'

"Alright Boss...He's also got...

Ah...Usher...zhat Here I Stand album.  A slept-on Canadian favorite....He's also got Robbie Willi..."

(Thank...You... for calling Lavalife!  Where you can talk to life singles right now, and all of your dreams and desires can....)

'Shiver Me Timbers!  What tha...? I must have hit the wrong button...Yammi, you know how to save on these new IPhones? I waited in line for almost 3 hours, well, actually I paid somebody to wait in line for me, but in actuality and according to General Tso Saucy way of thinking, I was really in that 5 year old kid's shoes!'

(For Cindy press 1.  For Diana press 2.   For Lakeisha press ...)

"You gotta get the new Galaxy, Boss.  Ah..."

(You have chosen Diana.)

'But my IPhone now has updated their IPhone Maps App, so now...'

(Hi!!!...I like walks on the beach...Dogs...Organic Jolly Ranchers...Wait... Hello....Hello?? Is anybody there?)

"I know it's hard...but Boss...zhe charges in Canada..."

(Hello!!!  I like cell phones...)

'Alright...what else does this guy have in his a la vault.'

"Boss, I'm just gonna name zhe names, zome you may not even ah...knows.   Lorenzo ah...Owens...Janet.  Only one name needed for her.  Oh, how I wish she would perform in zhe Super Bowl again.  Greatest game ever!  Zhe Best!....Lloyd...When Harry Met Sally..ah..soundtrack.  How romantic...Kelis'...Kale...Khaled..."

'Kelis's Kaleidoscope Album.'

"Yes, Boss, how's... did you knows?"

'My ex-girlfriend was crazy about those Neptunes producers so...Plus she played that I hate you or "Caught Out There" song when we broke up.  She almost put my Ferragamo's on fire in my bathroom tub.  Not cool, Kid.'

"Oh....Kay....3T...Sting...MC Hammer...Ah...Cheryl 'Pepsi' Riley...Curio...Black Eyed Peas, zhe Bridging Zhe Gap album...Kylie's an Aphrodite ....The Cranberries..Cathy Dennis..."

'Didn't she write, "Toxic" by Britney Spears, and Kylie's "Can't Get You Outta My Head"?'

"Why yes...Boss.  Impressive.  Speaking of which, he has two Britney CDs in zhe bunch as well.  Ah....what else...George Michael, zhe CD with 'Freedom'...Ashanti...you know's I used to have a crush on her.  But zhat Ja Rule.  He was like in every video, I had no chance...Ultimate Kylie a two-disc set...Zhe Boomerang soundtrack...Zhat Eddie Murphy!..."

'Any Jazz?'

"Ah...US 3, zhat had that one song everybody dances to but nobody knows zhe name of zhe group.  Classic song!  Ah...Ne-Yo's Libra Scale, it was missing, I think Galaxia's been listening to that right now...Tara Kemp, you's gottta get zhat one Boss.  Ah...Real McCoy...Jasmine Guy...Another Black Eyed Peas.  Zheir Monkey Business CD...The Time...Levert...Lada Gaga's last one...Chris Gaines' or is it Garth Brooks' CD? Zhat was a good one...and he has my future wifey."

'Who's that?'

"He has two CDs from my fellow Canadian, zhe beautiful Nelly Furtado.  Oh, I'm in love....I actually had to ah...borrow..zhat one, since I don't have mine down here in Miami."

'Yammi, what have I told you about stealing while on an assignment....make me a copy.'

"U's a got it, Boss."

'Alright, so you know since you have this court thing in France, you must make sure that Julia stays on the job.  We need her more than ever.  Where is she right now?'

"Oh, she's at some pre-Art Basel party for next week.  I gotta to get back for zhat...zhe art...zhe parties...all zhe beautiful wo...Boss, you gotta help me get back...please-ah...Boss!"

'Let me sleep on it...It's getting late and this girl just woke up...and she looks...."IT'S MY MOM ON THE PHONE!!"....check this out Yammi.  Don't worry about this court dig...I'll make some calls...I know this guy  name Perry Mason, Jr...he's tha freakin' best!  I once saw him win a court case for Andy Warhol against the Campbell's  soup company.'

"Boss, how he do zhat?"

'He claimed that...(Yawn...Man!)...claimed that the soup company...you know when they stack the cans on the grocery store shelves...'

"Ah...yes..."

'Well, Mason claimed that when those cans are stacked on top of each other, that is actually a copywright infringement against Warhol and his famous paintings.'

"But zhat doesn't make sense, he only painted one, and he copied Campbell's ah...em-mage...So how..."

'Kid, that's why he's Perry....Mason... Junior.  Alright.  We'll talk in a few, this girl's coming out here...(Cough, Cough!)...Mom, I'll talk to you in a few, and please get me Galaxia...bye...Love ya!'

(Click.)

"Oh, how I love me's Boss.  Galaxia.  Zhis Court Case.  Julia...Zhis is one of zhose nights I wished I had a Dirty Diana in my life...Oh.."

(Hello?...My name is Diana.)

"Who is this?"

(My name is Diana...I like walks on the beach...Dogs...Organic Jolly...)

"Forget zhe ah...zhe small talk.  Let me ask you a question zhat I ask all zhe girls of beauty..."

(I'm wearing a yellow American Apparel tank top, some Seven cut-off boyfriend shorts, my lip stick is hot pink, my hair is curly with...)

"No...No...something more ah...important."

(Oh...What is is?)

"Ah...What is your sign?"

(Click...Dial Tone.)

"I was nice when I asked!!"

A.G.

Assignment: Yammi Zhe Inspec-tour.

This was a favorite old school cartoon of mine!

On the previous episode of The New Adventures of Austino Galaxia....

...that's Austino.

'Put him's on zhe phone of zhe spea-ker.'

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?"

Cuando amor no es locura, no es amor.

"...IF IT WAS SO SICK, THEN WHY DID WE BREAK UP?"

I don't know...you keep calling me.  I think I just need some time to think about me...

'You's...ah...still loves a him don'ts you?'

I don't know, Yammi...

'...Do you still want to do zhis?'

And now...the latest and much anticipated newest episode...Enjoy:


"Ah...what's are we's a going to do's now?  Julia's not's in zhe right frame of mind to do this Boss."

'Yammi.... has she told you, "no"? If she hasn't give her some time, these girls get all caught up and lovey dovey with these type of guys, and next thing you know they wake up to their senses.  Give her a minute, and then we'll go from there, alright.'

"I's ah...know Boss, but zhere's just so much goings on down here in zhe Miami Beach, and just following zhis Austino Galaxia guy is a tough."

'That's why I have both of you down there to find out more about him.  What else have you all come up with?'

"Boss...it's been tough.  Last night, Julia and myself got a tip that he was supposed to be at this place called Super Wheels.  And..."

'What the heck is a Super Wheels?  Was he buying a new car...if so, I hope he got that new Aston Martin, it purrs like a pussycat.'

"Ah...no, Boss!  It is a...roller skating place."

'This better be good.  So what happened when he showed up?'

"Well...Boss, zhat's zhe problem...he didn't.  Something happened, and he never showed.  But Julia and myself had a great time.  We skated and danced to...ah...zhe Bee Gees!  I...ah...felt like a...John Trovolta on skates.  We had a ball!"

'I'm not pay you guys to go down there and have a ball...I'm dishing out these Ching-a-lings so that you can do your job and get some information on our subject.  Got it!?!'

"Yes...Boss."

'I've been doing some reading of this Galaxia fellow's diary, and he does remind me of that Alfie character.  But from what I'm hearing on my end, I hear that something's been on his mind.  That he hasn't been his usual self.  What do you guys know, down there?'

"We knows zhere has been stuff going on in his life...and not just involving Julia, although she can take your mind off of some of zhe...ah... intricacies of life.  (Cough, Cough)  I know's he's thinking about his finances and is more than likely gonna open up a new bank account in zhe next few days..."

'Big money, Yammi?'

"Just a little bit for zhe fun he has down here...Could be To-tal Bank...or ah's...Charley Schwab...He's been interested in zhe international market, and he's always been intrigued by zhe Chinese bank of...ah...H...S...B-See...we still don't know, but we'll find out's for-you...Boss."

'Good...very good.'

"A..neighbor at his home has also given us some...ah...infor-ma-shone....concerning Monsieur Galaxia....He's been hearing a lot of noise from his place."

'Headboard knocking?'

"No...or I'm not sure...maybe...but a lot of activity for sure.  I got a holds of his ah...Dish satellite bill...and he's been watching some movies the last few days...alone or with someone...not sure."

'What was he watching...or should I even ask?'

"Zhese movies like Ar-thur with Russell Brand...which if I recall during zhe movie, Russell and his nanny had zhis part where she was wearing zhis Dark...ah...Vador mask on in bed.  Which is mighty interesting, Boss...cuz...I heard Galaxia talk to Julia during there last chat, and he mentioned two years ago, on lover's holiday, how he wore a Dark Vador mask as well!  Amazing, Boss!  It's somezhing about Star Trek, huh?!!"

'Yammi...you do mean Star Wars don't you?'

"Exactly Boss...zhe one where zhey had Dr. Spock and zhe Captain, Boss!"

'Oh, Boy...what am I gonna do....what else?'

"And the neighbor distinctively heard zhe movie ah...Friends with Benefits, with zhat cute girl from Zhat 70's show...and..."

'Oh, I love those old days of TV...Which 70's show, Yammi?'

"Zhat 70's Show."

'I know, that's why I'm asking you, which one?!!'

"No...no...I'ms a talking 'bout Zhat 70's Show?"

"I KNOW!!!  WHICH ONE...never mind."

'Me don'ts understand...whatever...but it had zhat Justin Timber-river guy in it.'

"Did he dance in it?  Like did he do The Charleston?  I used to do that one!"

'Ah...no!! A clap here or there...mostly zhe dancing was in zhe covers, how I like it too! but..ah...he's alright, and he may have brought sexy back, got girls over him...I heard he's stoned out on love now so once zhese guys begin to get ah...hooked on those drugs...it's over.  I remember zhis famous singer, Preston Le Floor.'

"Who??!"

'Ah...Boss.  You's don't know Preston Le Floor?  He's only zhe most famous Canadian singer of my generation.  He once put on a show before zhe Edminton Oilers hockey game...back when The Great One was still on skates...Let's just say ah...he broke zhe ice zhat night, and what I hear, at zhe after party following zhe game... zhe creme de la creme met up at his hotel, and he ah...gave a whole 'nother definition of ...zhe hat trick!  If you know what I a means Boss!  He's a legend!'

"Is this groupie love all you think about, Yammi? I mean, really does it consume you?"

'Ah...'

"No need for an answer...I'm pressed for time.  Anything else, you got Yammi?"

'Well...some zhings Boss...I know's he studying zhis book on zhe Rolling Stones...it's a history of zhe group, but in cartoons.  I read zhat book myself, and actually had it, until zhat Jennifer came a over's...Boss, she took it, I know it!  After I fed her some good porridge...'

"Calm down, Yammi..."

'And I's ah...cooked Boss...Carrot Stew with beans, rice, and slices of Bananas...'

"Calm down, Yammi..."

'And after I showed her my private collection of...'

"Good-Bye, Yammi."

(Click.)

'...Collection of...Chello?...Boss?  I was just gonna tell him about my collection of Hotel Matchbooks.  Oh's well...let me see...I should check on Julia, shouldn't I?  I must admit, she is a looker...why did ah...she and zhis Galaxia fellow break up?...She says it's because of zhis di-a-ree, but...I's a figure, zhere's something else....'

(Boom, Boom, Boom)

'Who is zhis knocking excessively at my...'

(Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!)

'I'M COMING...I'M COMING...(Door Opens)...Oh, it's you again...zhe concierge.  (Hand fling in zhe air)  What do you want zhis time?'

"Well, it's great to see you again to sir?  (Sarcastically Spoken)  If I recall, the last time you and me met, we had a little altercation of sorts."

'You had an attitude and were in a-rush... and you's had to go and watch ah...Jay Low on, some Nuestra Latina show or ah...zome-thing...'

"Ah...you remember!  Ain't it funny...I couldn't miss that bro...tonight, Sofia Vergara is gonna be making a guest apperance, so I have no time to be shucking and jiving with ya!  Here, take this..."

'What is zhis?'

"Like, I know...dude, like I said, I got to go, I ain't got no DVR, and everybody know that Univision is funky fuzzy without cable.  It's my turn to foil up and  then set the antenna to the East so me and tha fam can get our laugh on...so why don't you just sign this paper, and have a good one...Chef!"

'Chef?...I'm not a che..'

"JUST SIGN!!!"

(Scribble...Dot!)

"Thank you...these guys...they come to Miami, and just because they ride in an Aston they think..."

(Door Closes)

'This is odd...and envelope...with no writing on the outside...I wonder who zhis could be from...an enemy?...from ah...Boss?...I hope it's not from zhat girl I met two nights ago at ah...Cameo...Me don't wants no Maury..."You ARE zhe fa-ther"...No...Please, No...Not's...ah... now...I wonder zhen...just wonder...who???'

A.G.