And now today's newest episode...Enjoy!
Dear Monsieur:
You have been summons to appear at the League of Justice courts, in Paris, France on 3 December 2012. Your summons is in regards to the incident involving Mademoiselle Chanella Jacque on the 4th day of July 2012. A failure to appear for this court case will result in a physical placement of you on a plane to our location. In addition to a fine up to 1,000,000 Euros. Our address is attached on the back of a coupon for a McDonald's French Fry carton...This is your final and only warning.
Au Revoir.
"You's gots to be kidding...right? Zhis cannot be's happenin....I have's to call zhe Boss.."
(Ring...Ring...Ri...)
'Hello.'
"Ah...Boss...it's a me."
'Yammi, do you know what time it is? You're not in jail again, are you? I told you South Beach after dark is a whole nother level from your days up in Canada. A few years ago, when I was down there I thought everything was cool until I met this one dame...next thing I knew it, I woke up with my hands cuffed up in saran wrap, an apple lying next to me, my money all taken except for some Canadian pennies, and that wasn't even the worse of it...'
"Ah...Really?"
'Yeah, kid...to make matters worse the broad had the nerve to leave me with the sounds of an old rap cassette of Kris Kross, all while the TV was showing the Director's Cut of the movie, Gigli. That stuff will kill you!'
"Ri....ght...Boss...I'm in trouble."
'Give me the...wait, let me sneak out of my bed first, don't wanna wake up...I don't even remember her name. Geez...Kid don't ever chose your love for the night by saying, "A-E-I-O-U" at a bar...they're wild bro...wild! Alright, I'm on the deck...what's going on?'
"Well...Boss...I going to be straight as a lightning bolt with you's...I may be going to jail."
'What?'
"I'ves just been given a letter by zhis ah... concierge telling me zhat I must be in court by's tomorrow or else...Me...ah...Gangnam Style...ah...fi-nessh!"
'What is this all about, Yammi? How did they even find you?'
"I don't know's Boss...Zhis has something to do with zomething zhat happened in Pair-rey several months ago when I was on ah...va-ca-shone. I met zhis..."
'Tell me the details later on...When do you have to leave?'
"I have to be zhere on zhe 3rd...or else?"
'You can't leave now...this is a big weekend involving Galaxia. You know you're putting me in a tough situation, right...Yammi...Yammi....'
"Boss, I know...I've been following zhis Galaxia, and I'm seeing some wild stuff...check zhis out...I was following him in his ah...ride, which needs a wash, but...no one but me could ah...tell. He was on zhis street Canary Road or I'm sorry, Bird Road...and he came to a light of zhe stop. He was chilling, and I was behind, and he was jamming to zhis Michael Jackson song called 'Ghosts', which reminded me of when I had a layover in...ah...Chicago and zhis beauty told me about a party on zhe Gold Coast. I went... Oprah was zhere...Ah...Her BFF Gayle got on zhe piano to sing Brandy's "Best Friend" and these two Ford Models wanted to Facebook me...I told zhem I ,'don't do zhe book, but I'm on Insta..ah..gram.' Zhey said zhey will give me a live audition, so zhey came back wearing zhese La Perl..."
'WILL YA GET BACK TO GALAXIA!!'
"Sorry, Boss...So he's stopped. And zhis guy with a Mohawk, and sleeveless top comes next to him in zhis white Sienna van. And begins to try to get Galaxia's attention. Using zhat special microphone you sent me, I could hear him yell, "Put on 91.9." Galaxia did. Zhe guy says..."Zhat's raw...zhat's Christian Rap...he gives him zhe peace sign, and he was Audi."
'Yammi...(Yawn...)...that's cool and stuff. But, once again, if you've been doing your homework, you woulda learned that it's a known fact of how many crazy interactions this guy has with total strangers. He's wrote about it several times. But you're trying...what else?'
"Well, Boss...zhere's been a lot of stuff. He's about to finish his music run of ah...like 25 albums added to his collection within zhe last 6 weeks. I think zhe last one is Zhe System...Oh, and some John Mayer, guy."
'Now, The 80's that's real music! The System! I don't even have that one...that's when I used to rock and sock 'em, Yammi. Sunset in LA...Studio 54 in NYC...Hey...you don't happened to know what else he's been listening to, do ya! I might have to have ya...take a few...you know...pictures, that is.'
"Boss....I's a have a list. Check zhis out...
John Legend's ah...Once Again
Brownstone
Jamiroquai...I had zhis one too. Dynamite is zhe name of it...
Zhe Black Eyed Peas...Zhe Beginning...I love zhat Dirty Bit song...so many ah...memories...
Elgin or Ginuwine...one of zhem...
Robin Thicke...Zhe Bachelor Ginuwine...Hey ain't zhat zhe same guy?...
Wham!"
'Hold on, Yammi. This guy has Wham!? The one with my song, "Everything She Wants"? But that's from like 1984, did they even make CD's back then?'
"Yeah, Boss. Zhis guy has it all! Zhis list is long, do you want me to tell you zhe rest later? I knows it's late..."
'I'm up now! Plus....(Yawn...)...I just looked back inside the loft and Lavalife just ran this wild commercial. It's amazing what comes on during the wee hours of the night. Go ahead...wait...don't be alarm by beeps alright.'
"O...Kay??"
(Beep...Beep-Beep...Beep....Beep...Beep...Beep....Beep-Beep-Beep...Beep.)
'And...Save. Ok...Sorry, about that Yammi, but I had to get that number in my phone, the way Cindy was looking in that commercial, it was like she was talking directly to me. What else, Yammi?'
"Alright Boss...He's also got...
Ah...Usher...zhat Here I Stand album. A slept-on Canadian favorite....He's also got Robbie Willi..."
(Thank...You... for calling Lavalife! Where you can talk to life singles right now, and all of your dreams and desires can....)
'Shiver Me Timbers! What tha...? I must have hit the wrong button...Yammi, you know how to save on these new IPhones? I waited in line for almost 3 hours, well, actually I paid somebody to wait in line for me, but in actuality and according to General Tso Saucy way of thinking, I was really in that 5 year old kid's shoes!'
(For Cindy press 1. For Diana press 2. For Lakeisha press ...)
"You gotta get the new Galaxy, Boss. Ah..."
(You have chosen Diana.)
'But my IPhone now has updated their IPhone Maps App, so now...'
(Hi!!!...I like walks on the beach...Dogs...Organic Jolly Ranchers...Wait... Hello....Hello?? Is anybody there?)
"I know it's hard...but Boss...zhe charges in Canada..."
(Hello!!! I like cell phones...)
'Alright...what else does this guy have in his a la vault.'
"Boss, I'm just gonna name zhe names, zome you may not even ah...knows. Lorenzo ah...Owens...Janet. Only one name needed for her. Oh, how I wish she would perform in zhe Super Bowl again. Greatest game ever! Zhe Best!....Lloyd...When Harry Met Sally..ah..soundtrack. How romantic...Kelis'...Kale...Khaled..."
'Kelis's Kaleidoscope Album.'
"Yes, Boss, how's... did you knows?"
'My ex-girlfriend was crazy about those Neptunes producers so...Plus she played that I hate you or "Caught Out There" song when we broke up. She almost put my Ferragamo's on fire in my bathroom tub. Not cool, Kid.'
"Oh....Kay....3T...Sting...MC Hammer...Ah...Cheryl 'Pepsi' Riley...Curio...Black Eyed Peas, zhe Bridging Zhe Gap album...Kylie's an Aphrodite ....The Cranberries..Cathy Dennis..."
'Didn't she write, "Toxic" by Britney Spears, and Kylie's "Can't Get You Outta My Head"?'
"Why yes...Boss. Impressive. Speaking of which, he has two Britney CDs in zhe bunch as well. Ah....what else...George Michael, zhe CD with 'Freedom'...Ashanti...you know's I used to have a crush on her. But zhat Ja Rule. He was like in every video, I had no chance...Ultimate Kylie a two-disc set...Zhe Boomerang soundtrack...Zhat Eddie Murphy!..."
'Any Jazz?'
"Ah...US 3, zhat had that one song everybody dances to but nobody knows zhe name of zhe group. Classic song! Ah...Ne-Yo's Libra Scale, it was missing, I think Galaxia's been listening to that right now...Tara Kemp, you's gottta get zhat one Boss. Ah...Real McCoy...Jasmine Guy...Another Black Eyed Peas. Zheir Monkey Business CD...The Time...Levert...Lada Gaga's last one...Chris Gaines' or is it Garth Brooks' CD? Zhat was a good one...and he has my future wifey."
'Who's that?'
"He has two CDs from my fellow Canadian, zhe beautiful Nelly Furtado. Oh, I'm in love....I actually had to ah...borrow..zhat one, since I don't have mine down here in Miami."
'Yammi, what have I told you about stealing while on an assignment....make me a copy.'
"U's a got it, Boss."
'Alright, so you know since you have this court thing in France, you must make sure that Julia stays on the job. We need her more than ever. Where is she right now?'
"Oh, she's at some pre-Art Basel party for next week. I gotta to get back for zhat...zhe art...zhe parties...all zhe beautiful wo...Boss, you gotta help me get back...please-ah...Boss!"
'Let me sleep on it...It's getting late and this girl just woke up...and she looks...."IT'S MY MOM ON THE PHONE!!"....check this out Yammi. Don't worry about this court dig...I'll make some calls...I know this guy name Perry Mason, Jr...he's tha freakin' best! I once saw him win a court case for Andy Warhol against the Campbell's soup company.'
"Boss, how he do zhat?"
'He claimed that...(Yawn...Man!)...claimed that the soup company...you know when they stack the cans on the grocery store shelves...'
"Ah...yes..."
'Well, Mason claimed that when those cans are stacked on top of each other, that is actually a copywright infringement against Warhol and his famous paintings.'
"But zhat doesn't make sense, he only painted one, and he copied Campbell's ah...em-mage...So how..."
'Kid, that's why he's Perry....Mason... Junior. Alright. We'll talk in a few, this girl's coming out here...(Cough, Cough!)...Mom, I'll talk to you in a few, and please get me Galaxia...bye...Love ya!'
(Click.)
"Oh, how I love me's Boss. Galaxia. Zhis Court Case. Julia...Zhis is one of zhose nights I wished I had a Dirty Diana in my life...Oh.."
(Hello?...My name is Diana.)
"Who is this?"
(My name is Diana...I like walks on the beach...Dogs...Organic Jolly...)
"Forget zhe ah...zhe small talk. Let me ask you a question zhat I ask all zhe girls of beauty..."
(I'm wearing a yellow American Apparel tank top, some Seven cut-off boyfriend shorts, my lip stick is hot pink, my hair is curly with...)
"No...No...something more ah...important."
(Oh...What is is?)
"Ah...What is your sign?"
(Click...Dial Tone.)
"I was nice when I asked!!"
A.G.
No comments:
Post a Comment