Here Goes...
Dig Deeper...Keep On Digging Deeper...Wonder How Many Times a Guy or Gurl Has Said?
Whether on Tha Construction Site...Or During Workouts...Or On Luv's Inflatable Bed.
Today might get kind of Raunchy so Forgive Me...Late Night HBO was a Favorite as a Kid.
We're Going 2 an Alternative Spot This Morning...Even Though U Were Looking For Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood Instead.
(Aheem! Aheem!) Let Me Get Dressed For Tha Occasion...Aqua Blue Cardigan Heritage 1981, Grey Dress Shirt, And a Tie From Tha Salvation Army.
Who Else U know Mixes Brands like a Drink Down at Tha Local Bar...And Still Gets a Smile and a Blown Kiss That Indicates..."Call Me!"
And I Will...'Maybe'....Hey, If it works For Carly Rae, then that Mindset can work for Urs Truly As Well...No Matter How Bogus it is or How Slim Shady.
We're About 2 Go on Tha Air in About Ten Minutes, and I'm still Thinking about, How My Show Should Be Up There With Conan, and Carson...Take U Pick Mr. Johnny or Even MTV's Daly.
Last Night I Was Hitting Up Tha Town...It's Amazing How Much Fun U Can Get Into Hanging Around Cyn.
U Can Go From Wild Stories At Tha Cheesecake 2 Arguing for 15 Minutes Outside Ur Car on Bird Road...Which gave TMZ Another Reason 2 Start Following Me Again!
I Can Just See it Now..."GALAXIA AND PERUVIAN PRINCESS SHOUTING OUTSIDE OF CORAL GABLES HIGH SCHOOL...EVEN AT 2:30 AM, SCHOOL IS IN!!"
Just How It Goes When U Mess With Any Sexy Miami Gurl...Unlike Tha Rules or A Number 2 Pencil...They Won't Bend!
Enough About That...So I'm Going on What an Half an Hour Sleep in a 24 Hour Period...This is Tha First I've EVER Said This but...I think I need some Make-Up!
Tha TV Cameras will see My Lack of Sleep...And For Me 2 Look Flawless is Truly an Absolute Must.
Then I Had Nutella For Tha First Time...Yep! For Tha First Time...And I feel a Pimple beginning to Mold out...It's Amazing What U Do For a Low Cut Dress Filled With Some Full Cups.
"What?!!"....U Say That That Makeup Has Tha Day Off?? I Can't Believe U Are Telling Me That...I Mean What Tha...I Can't Say That.
Yeah...Alright...What U Are Seeing isn't Make Believe or TV...But My Galaxy Has Shrunk 2 a Bunch of Tiny Stars...Literally...Guess U Got 2 Start Somewhere.
See I've Been Emailing ABC, and CBS For Tha Last Few Months....I Thought I Got in Good With TBS, but They Backed out saying...Oh, We've Filled Up That Spot with Reruns of Yes, Dear!
BET won't let me On because The Bosses Told Me They Can't Understand Giving Me a Show When I've Been Writing Bout Hispanic Gurls for a Year.
Then I Go To Telemundo and They Won't Have Me, Because I Once Said This Mexican Beauty is a McChicken I Would Want 2 Eat...And They Claim Using Mickey D's instead of El Pollo Loco wasn't Fair!
So Now, U got Me on This Saturday Morning TV Show where I Get 2 Talk about What I'm All About, but instead of Grown Ups...I got an Audience Full of...Kiddos!
How Am I Supposed 2 Talk About My 'Rock Star' Lifestyle on Laughs, Constantly Joking Around and Dancing 2 Luda As He Sings, "Throw Them Bows!!?"
This isn't What I Was Expecting When I Dreamed About My Miami Life, as I Was in Indiana Doing My Chore of Backyard Grass Mow.
I Thought For Sure That Once I Saw That Skyline Coming I-95 South, my life would be filled with Miami Vice Ferrari's, Hanging in Vice City Clubs, and Hanging With Vice That Only Rock Open Toes.
"Boom!!!" (Fist Hits Tha Table!) I'm Supposed 2 Be A Star! No Way Somebody of My Caliber Should Be Talking Having a Show With Grade Schoolers...My Thoughts are So Hugh Hef.
My Language Has 2 Be Dumbed Down So Much...Tha Other Day I was Humming 50 Cent's "Best Friend" Song...And a Kid Interrupted me asking Me...'Mr. Galaxia, How Come 50 Cent didn't title that song BFF?"
These Kids...And Everybody knows That I Don't Speak Fluent Spanish...I Luv Spanish Women, but on a Tha Boat Carrying Espanol...I Swam, Even Though I Wish I was a Ref.
So These Little Gurls Be Playing With Me...Tha Other day One Told me..."Quiero Hacer El Amor Contigo."...I'm Like How Can I Sleep with a Gurl who doesn't even know her Multiplication Tables Yet?!!
Even at a Young Age, it's Like These Females have It In For Me...Another Time Bella Gave Me a Note, and I was Hesitant Accepting It because I know She dates another Audience Member in Bobby.
After I Accepted it, I saw Bobby's Mom begin to Look at Me all Funny...Cuz She's A Receptionist At This Studio...Might as be "Z" Cuz it's Run Down...But she Answers Phones inside Our Studio's Lobby.
I Opened up Tha Note, and It was Written So Proper...She's Argentinian So U know How That Goes...And it said something like...I know U like Gurls with Boyfriends...And at The End it said, 'Try Me.'
I shook Off Bella's Request, but now Bobby Does This Sneezing Thang Everytime I Mention "Luv"...Which is like Half Tha Show, So If He Does it Today, I'm Kicking Him Out without even counting 1...2...3.
Now U Understand What I Have 2 Go Through...I Got a few Seconds...But Mothers...They are Watching My Every Word, and it's even gonna be More Wild Since This Weekend is Mother's Day.
I've Gotten So Many..."Mi Mama's Coming 2 C U" on This Past Week, That I Don't Know If I Should Be True 2 Myself, or Go 'Corporate', and Be Fake in Everythang I Say.
Fathers are a Trip As Well...Knowing That Their Kids are Hanging On My Every Word...Knowing That What Comes Out Can Determine if Their Kid is Gonna Become a Luv Prince or Princess One Day.
My Show Titled, "Let Tha Pole Be Your Friend" Didn't Go Over 2 Well...Papi's were waiting for me outside my Ride...All I Said Was, "Ana...I Wish Ur Mom was a Stripper"...It was True...I Luv Her Canadian Ways.
I Had 2 Go Into Tha Studio Office and Talk 2 Tha Big Wigs, Who Had Tha Nerve 2 Tell Me, "Ah...Galaxia U Shouldn't Have Those Topics on a Show Catered To Kids Underneath Tha Age of Eight."
Man...I Pulled Out a Picture on My HTC M8 of Ana's Lifeguard Mom, as she came to The Set of My "Career Day" Show, and I told Them..."Look!! U Tell Me Ana's Mom Doesn't Look Hot Enough 2 Date?"
It Got Quiet and Walked Out of There...Nobody Tells Me What 2 Say on My Show Unless Ur One of The Ladies from Tha Movie Tha Other Woman...Either Cameron, Lesile, Nicki or Kate.
And Even Then U Have 2 Bring More To Tha Set Than a Pretty Smile and Some Galaxian Flirts...I think Rihanna Said it Best...U Got 2 Bring Me Some Birthday...CakeCakeCakeCakeCakeCakeCakeCake.....!
Alright...It's Time To Walk Out Here...Let's See What's Poppin' on Today...To Be Honest as We Walk Out Here, I Don't Even Know What We Are Gonna Talk About.
As U Can See Down These Halls U Got Pics of Yesteryear's Finest From Kid's Shows Past...Which I don't know Why.. Cuz These Hollywood Stars Have graced These Floors...That I Highly Doubt.
Big Bird...SpongeBob Squarepants...Thomas Tha Train...I Wouldn't Necessarily Call Dora Tha Explorer a Legend, But That's What Happens When ur Mom as High Executive Studio Clout.
Here are My Favorite Pics Here...This one of Mickey and Minnie Mouse Chillin' on tha Miami Beach Sands...And This Here of Bugs and Daffy Smoking a Cigar... Living Tha Good Life Without a Pout.
One Day...One Day...'Ok, U Got a Few Seconds before U Go On, Galaxia.', Thanks Bill, for The Insight...'U Got a Wild Crowd 2day, Let Me Ask...R U Ready?!'
Of Course, I Went Over Tha Script Yesterday right Before Tha Horribly Low Scoring Pacers/Wizards Game, and I'm Prepared....'Ok, Galaxia...I Hope U Got Tha Swagger of Mark Wahlberg's Teddy?!'
(Curtain Opens) Hey, Bill! What's Up With This Set? What Happened 2 Tha Hot Wheel Cars, and Tha Hearts Hanging from Tha Ceiling, Those were Made from My Little Havana Mommy Named Bettie.
'Uh...Yeah...There's Been Some Cutbacks...And We just Got Bought Out By This Side Company Up North Out of Tha Town of Medley.'
Medley....Medley...I've never been up there...Tha Only Time I Even seen tha name was when I used to dabble on Tha Dating Website Plenty of Fish.
'YOU! Were On Plen...' (Shhh!!) Stay Quiet, That was in Tha Past...Besides...I still Think I Could have Gotten That Girl From Miramar...She Was Truly Every Guy's Wish!
'Yeah...Yeah...Tell Me More...'....So Bill, I Was Chillin' like Messaging This Chick Online, Then Outta Nowhere She like Skype's Me, and She Popped Up on My Screen...What a Tasty Dish!
'Yeah...Yeah...' Man, U Bill How I Get Down...She was Hot...Brunette, Luv Hoops...Music...Curvy...Then She Had on Reading Glasses, Jeans with her Bare Feet No Shoes...No Shoes Makes Feet Quicker 2 Kiss.
So She Was Laying Down In Her Living Room Floor Talking To Me...And As I'm Looking at Her Beauty, I Thought, 'No Wonder Jesus Became a Carpenter!' Right When I Was About 2 Ask Her To Consult My...
"Mr. Galaxia! You May Not Remember Me But..." Oh, I Know Who You Are...You're Ana's Mom. I....Was.....Just....Talking...About...You....My...O...My.
"Excuse Me?"....Nothing...So What's Up?!! "No, I just wanted 2 say How Much Ana Enjoy's These Saturday's Coming out and Seeing You...And She Wants 2 Invite U Up For Dinner One Day...At My...
(Cough-Cough!! Cough-Cough!!) Did You Say Dinner?...."Yes, We're Both Kinda New To Tha Miami Flavor and She Wants u 2 Come Over...She...Well...Both of us have few friends since moving from MI."
Sure...."Great...Here's My Number, and Give Me a Call After Tha Show, and We'll Make Plans...Ana's Gonna Be So Excited...I Will Too...You know I make a Bomb Green Bean Casserole."
Can't Wait 2 Try It! See U After The Show...Oh...My...Gosh! (Fist In Mouth) I Can't Believe I'm Hooking Up With Ana and Her Beautiful Mom...Tha Woman Who's Heart Mine She Has Stole.
Stay Focused...Stay Focused...But Look at Her...Flawless Tan Skin...Colorful Summer Dress on, with Sandals...Nails Done 2 Perfection on Her Hands and Her Toes.
I Have a Show 2 Do Though...So Recess Shall Come After Class Time...Especially on Today I Must Remain Composed.
ALRIGHT EVERYBODY...HOW U ALL DOING? (Cheers Go Up!) GOOD! GOOD! Now Today's Show is Gonna Be Special, So Just Sit Tight and Follow Tha Cue Cards Over To My Right.
For U Vets U know What To Do...But for those just joining us for the first time, we're gonna sing and do a few Exercises to wake us up from a Long Night.
We're Filming Right Now, So Be on Ur Best Behavior and Look at Tha Cue Cards as we're about 2 Sing...Theodore, Stop Acting Up! Put Down That Lite Brite!!
As I Hit Tha Recorder...We're All Gonna Have Some Fun...(Yeay!!!!)...And Get Ready For a New Adventure on Today....Ah..One...Ah...Two...Ah....U Ready Teresa (A Returned Head Nod.)...Click!
"To-day is a Day of Fun And...Love.
This-Is Better Than Disney's Mic-Key Mouse Club.
Gurls Learn How 2 Dress 2 Get Rose Tulip Bulbs...
Guys Learn How 2 Get Gals Without Having Big Dubs.
So We..."Jump!" And "Jump!" To Stretch Our Mind.
And We..."Shake!" And "Shake!" Our Arms as A Sign.
We About To Learn About Life...And How It Can Be So Kind.
We Put On Our Shades Cuz Our Future Bright Shines.
So We..."Jump!" And "Jump!" Cuz We See Tha Beauty of Me.
And We..."Shake!" And "Shake!" When I think of Being Married before 33.
So We..."Wiggle!" And "Wiggle" As We Taste Some Fun Pie.
And We...."Kick!" And "Kick!" Haters Out Of Our...
G-A....L-A...(Don't Forget Tha 'X'!)....Y!!!!!"
(Yeay!!! Kids Cheering!!)
Oh, How I Enjoy That Song...I Gotta Get 2 Chainz To do a Remix for Me on That...So How's Everybody Doing...
(FINE!!!)
Ok, Kids If U Don't Know, Now U Know That My Name is Austino Galaxia, and Today We're Gonna Talk About Fun and...How Luv is Doing...(Ah-Chew! Ah-Chew!)
Now Tha Last Few Days I've Seen A Lot Concerning Luv And (Ah-Chew! Ah-Chew!)...It's Amazing. Then Dating as a 6 Year old is worse...Because Luv is a Huge Cookie to be Chew..(Ah-Chew! Ah-Chew!)
That's It...BOBBY!!! GET OUT OF HERE! U KEEP ON SNEEZING TO OUT OF JEALOUSY...I DON'T WANT BELLA! MY SHOW U ARE TRYING TO RUIN!
BE GONE!...Now Where Was I...Oh...I think I was saying Somethang Like When U Turn Tha Lights Off, There's No Difference in Telling If Ur Making Out With a USC Trojan or a UCLA Bruin!!
Wait! Sorry...I Got Thrown off...What I Meant to Say Was...U kids have it hard to find out who likes you, as your are only in the Third or Fourth Grade.
You Lend a Gurl you're Cookies and Milk, and think You Have a Friend...then She leaves you for the New Kid Who's wears Polo Kids Khakis and Tiny Burberry Shades.
Then He Drives around ur Neighborhood in His Little Hummer Big Wheel, With Ur Girl in tha Passenger Seat, Thinking He's Tha Next Rick Rosay.
It Then Hits You That Sometimes Luv Throws You In Jail for No Reason...Like Tha Actor from Blade.
I know It's Early, but its time for 'Letters De Corazon' (Yeay!) Where U, The Viewer get a chance to Send Me A Question On Tha Trouble of Dating When Ur still are short enough to ride the Bus for Free!
Ok...I need my Glasses...(Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!) Why Are U kids Laughing?! U Act Like U've never seen Heart-Shaped Sunglasses Before! They Got some on Sale as Pleasure Emporium...Buy 1...Get 3!!
Reminds Me of This Night I had off The Red Light District of Miami, Where They Were Senoritas a Plenty.
Kids...Always Check Tha Adam's Apple Ok! Remember That...Even Nowadays Tha Gurl U Sit Next 2 in Math Could Have Tha Looks of a Kennetha...but in Tha Neck, U Can Tell They are a Kenny.
Alright...This Letter is Written in Purple Crayon...I Likes...I Likes!! And This is From Pacho from Hialeah...Who Writes...I Wonder If He Knows This One Gal Who I Wanted To...Probably Not.
So Pablo write....('PACHO!!') Ok, I'm Sorry! Pacho writes...We Must Have a Lot of Our Audience From Hialeah, and Don't Want 2 See Me Mess Up Tha Name of Their Own...Thanks for Tha Corrective Stop.
So Pacho Writes...
'Senor Galaxia, I Have Trouble Getting a Gurl To Notice Me. I'm Tha Smartest in my 4th Grade, Won My Spelling Bee, and Through Four years I'm Still The Best at The Game of Pencil Pop.
But No Gurl in My Grade Wants To Be My Gurlfriend...I Like This Gurl Natalie, Who's a Hall Monitor and is Like...Mucho Caliente! But I Don't Know How 2 Impress Her! Should I Bring Her Some Tator Tots?'
Well...Pab...I Mean...Pacho...You Got Tha Old Age Dilemma...How To Impress A Gurl Who U Think is A Mad Cutie, but Doesn't Think U Even Exist.
Now...There are a Few Ways U Can Get Her Attention...One is on Your Way To Tha Bathroom or During Lunch, just walk by her and Toss at her an Entire Bag of Chex Mix!
She'll Be Upset at U, but at least you got her to Take Notice...Some of Luv's................Sorry, it's just so Great To Not Hear a Sneeze...Some of Luv's Best Romances Begin on some Rocky Road Treks.
Just because A Gurl supposedly Can't Stand You...Doesn't automatically Mean U Won't Be Going To Toys 'R Us and Spending All Her Daddy's AmEx!!
Another Way is To Try 2 Position Ur Life Around Hers...This Involves Stalking her During Gym Class, Hiding behind the Swings When she's with her friends...and Serving Her in Tha Lunch Line...Be That Cat.
Like...When She Comes Up at Lunch Time and asks for A Salad Without The Lettuce, You Have to Be Tha One Who Tosses That Salad of Tomatoes, Croutons, and Make That Thousand Island Go..."Splat!"
Then Right Before She Walks Away, Slowly...I mean Slowly...Put on Top a Big Cucumber...Right before U Place it on top, U Give Natalie...A "Wink!"...She'll know what's Up, and Think Ur All That.
Before You Know It...She'll Be Eating Out of Tha Of Your Hand...And She'll Be Coming To You Wanting To Share Your Nap Time Mat!
I Guess Tha Final Option is To Just Be Yourself...Ah...Whatever!! That Doesn't Work!.. Do We Have Time For Another...Ok..We Do!! We'll Take One More Letter, and This One is From...I Can Barely Read.
This Letter is Written in Pink, Green, and Blue Markers...And is From Sicily...She is Writing from Down Here in Miami As Well...Boy, I need to Expand My Audience...I need 2 get a Massive Twitter Feed.
But...Sicily She Writes...
'Guys are Jerks! I just broke up wth My Boyfriend...He Only Wanted Me When He Needed Help with Homework or Study for The FCAT Test...And My Heart is Beginning To Bleed.
I Still Have Feelings For Him...But How Can I Get Him To Luv Me For Me? Our Last Few Months dating Were Bad...He Only Smiled Was When we Played Monopoly and He Took My Park Place Deed.'
Hummm...That's a Tough One...Cuz Once U Go Park Place...U just never Want 2 Go Back To Baltic Avenue...That's Just How Tha Game is Played!
But Let's See If I Can Help U Out Sicily...The Only Way a Young Dog Learns New Tricks is For Him To Meet a Cat Who's Acts Like She's Insane! Let Me Explain...
You Want It Too Bad...Now From What I See Here...This Guy is a Loser Because His Want of You is Conditional...When was Tha Last Time He Gave U Some of His Allowance Money After He Got Paid?
So First Off, Don't Care About Somebody Who Doesn't Give U Respect as Well...If He Flunks Tha FCAT He Flunks It...Be Tha Strong Woman You Are and Kick a Little Game.
When U Date Somebody Who Always Gets Called Up To Tha Blackboard, or Somebody Who Always gets Tha Extra Slice at Ur Class's Pizza Party...U Got 2 Get Tough...And Act Like U Don't Care.
Guys Like Gurls Who Act Like They Don't Notice Them...Walk by him without Saying a Word or ignore Him When He asks for You Eraser, Even If U have One, Don't Give it 2 Him, Make Him Think Ur a 'Dare'.
Sooner or Later, He's gonna See Ur Somebody He Has To Prove Himself and work to Get U..Which Shows That Ur Special...And Worth Work Being Put in...Even if u have Barrettes in ur Hair.
I shouldn't Say This Since Ur So Young...But Tha One Who Holds Tha Key in Any Relationship, is Tha Person Who Cares Tha Least. Remember Sicily...Ur Beautiful, So Tone Down How Much U Care.
I see That We've Run Outta Time Here Today...It's Amazing How Time Flies In This Galaxy, I Felt like I was Just about To Get Warm.
But That's It...Hopefully We'll Return With Another Episode On How You, My Kiddies, Can Win and Enjoy Luv Like Us Grown Peeps...Where Guys Learn How 2 make Tha Ladies Swarm.
Where Gurls Learn How To Get Tha Guy of Their Dreams...Without having to Get a Brazilian Butt Lift or a Colombian Hair Weave Perm.
You Get These Pieces Of Gold When You're Young...Then Once U Get Into High School, You'll Be Luv's President, and Everybody Will Be Re-Electing You For Another Term.
Alright Kiddies...Let's Stand Up...And Sing Our Way Home...
Ah...One....Ah...Two....Ah....Are U Ready Once Again Teresa...(A Head Nod!)...Click!
"Thanks For Watching How Luv is Tough For a Kid.
Smashing Cookies is Hard When Ur Just Coming off Tha Bib.
I Wish I Was Barbie, Cuz Her Style and Body She Never Hid.
I Wish I Was Ken, Cuz His Car Was Cool, and He Had a Perfect Lid.
So We..."Jump!" And "Jump!" To Stretch Our Jeans.
So We...."Shake!" And "Shake"...Cuz Today's Show Was So Keen.
Guys Learn How 2 Sew Together Loose Bra Seams.
Gurls Learn How 2 Only Date Somebody Who's Pencil Sharpener is Clean.
So We..."Jump!" And "Jump!" Because Tha Galaxy Doesn't Die But Multiply.
So We..."Shake!" And "Shake!" As I Think About Happy Meals Without Tha Fries.
So We..."Wiggle!" And "Wiggle" Cuz This Is Tha Place Where I Learned To Fly...
Right Here In Tha...
G-A....L-A....(Zon't Forget Zhe 'X'! Mr. Galaxia) And We Won't Teresa...Everybody...
"Y!!!!"
Smooches!
Galaxia!
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