Whew! Whew! Whew!...Whew! Whew!...(Whistling.)...And Chop!!
Oh, These Flowers are so Beautiful. Just Look at Them....My Words just Can't Stop.
Whoever Tha Lucky Lady Who Gets These...Boy, She must be A Top Shelf Cop.
Cuz These Flowers are Flawless in Beauty...Like a Lambo off The Showroom Lot.
(Cough! Cough! Cough!) Ah....I Need Something 2 Get Rid of This Cough!
All Those Days Hanging Out With Tha Brat Pack...With Me They Have Finally Caught.
Vegas, Manhattan...Back When Tha Big Apple was Party Central, even when Tha Sidewalks had Frost.
Yeah, I was Hot Stuff, Back in Tha Day...WWD always put me on Tha Front Page...Showing Off Everythang That I Bought.
(Gulp! Gulp!...Ahhh!) Now, I'm Sorta Retired...I Only Do Work When Its Needed.
Take These Flowers for Example...They are of Tha Finest Quality...In Florence, Italy Were They 1st Seeded.
I Take Great Pride in My Work, Have Zest Like When I First Started Working...At Tha Offices of Gucci, I Begged and Pleaded.
They let me in as An Intern...I Love It So...All Tha Boys Wanted Me So Bad...It Was So Tough 2 put on a Two "G" Skirt That Fit My Butt Perfectly, and Not Become So Conceited.
From There Doors started Opening Everywhere for Me...Ooops! This Rose Here just....Ah...Needs...A Small...Ahh...Adjust.
(Snip!) There. But It Led Me To Los Angeles where It Didn't Hurt That I Had a Pretty Face and a Natural 36DD Bust.
I was involved with All Tha Hot Parties From This Hills To Tha Valley...Every Hot Celebrity Who Was Hot In Tha 80s and 90s...In Me They Put My Trust.
Nicholson, Sharon Stone, Richard Pryor, Paula Abdul...Even Eddie Murphy...Oh, Eddie! He Thought I Was So Gorgeous...Every time He Use 2 See Me He Used 2 Cuss!
But I Was Who Everybody Call On...Whenever They Need an Epic Party or A Good Time...Me Was Who Hollywood Would Call.
So Many Stories 2 Share, Whether They Involved Pool Parties or Just Celebrities Acting Crazy, Didn't Matter if They Were Tiny or Tall.
I've Seen People Take Off All Their Clothes and Cannonball into A Pool...In Tha Dead Middle of a LA Fall.
While I also saw this one Guy and Gurl Making Out In A Laundry Room...Come 2 Think About it, That Was Also Crazy 2 See This One Rock Star Making Out in a Bathroom Stall.
He was By Himself Too While He Was...Ah...Too Much, and People Would Be Absolutely Shocked what Their Favorite Ce-Leb would do, When Tha Cameras were turned Off.
Back in Those Days...Stars were Stars...(Cough!-Cough! Cough!- Cough!) At Their Credentials You Could Not Scoff.
I Remember This Alf Guy Walking into My Office saying He Wanted 2 Throw Tha Ultimate Christmas Party...He even demanded That I bring in Tha Sexy Reindeer Rudolph.
I Told Him, I didn't Know if Rudolph was a Guy or A Gurl...But In Typical Alf Fashion, He Said, 'U Can Tell By Her Antlers..They're So Big, and If She was A Dude, By This Time They should Be Off.'
Anyway...I Called Rudolph's Publicist and Sure Nuff, Rudolph arrived with an Entourage that would make Vincent Chase and Ari Gold Smile With Glee.
It was a Wild Night! Tha Music, Tha Wild Sex...Man, These Flowers still need some water...And Of Course Tha Drugs, Which Were Done in Tha Open So Everybody Could See.
I mean, Rudolph Had A Red Nose When She Strutted in, So I Knew About Her Habits...But These Other Characters...Boy, This Was Some Stuff That Was Not Made For TV!
Coke, Mary Jane...It was Outta Control...I just Left because Although I was Having a Good Time Myself...There's No Way I'm Gonna miss My Shows of Quantum Leap and Unsolved Mysteries!
This...(Squeak! Squeak! Pou.........rrrr...Squeak! Squeak!) Sorry I Needed some Water...But This Town I Owned in Tha Palm of My Hand.
Then Thangs began 2 Change for me...I think it all started after I did tha Cover for Playboy Magazine...In Which I Held more Than My Hollywood Black Book in Tha Palm of My Hands.
I Still Loved How I Looked With My Hair Up with a Pencil Going Through it, Sexy Reading Glasses, with "Party Gurl" Neon Lights in tha Backdrop...Minus Any Sweat Dropping From Tha Palm of My Hands.
That Cover Is Still Talked About To This Day...So Smoking Hot! Matter of Fact On Tha Cover Itself, Tha Title Listed has I Held My Boobs was..."Wouldn't U Luv 2 B Tha Palms of Her Hands!!"
What Messed Me Up Though, Was Getting Involved With this Movie Executive...I shoulda Known Never 2 Mixed Business with Pleasure.
Excuse Me, while I pour a few more drops on these Flowers...Ah...(Drip.) One Drop is enough...But Our Relationship was anythang but Good...By Any Measure.
He thought Since He Had So Much Money that He could Do anythang he wanted to Me...I knew Better.
One time he even tried 2 put his paws on me...Then gave me a Louis Vuitton Travel Set to try to make up for it...Please...How Clever.
But after Our Horrible Breakup, He just dragged my name through tha Mud...These Flowers are Purrr-fect!...I guess like in Typical Fashion of Hollywood.
So I was Black Balled from Tha Party Planning Business, and I hit Rock Bottom as for tha first time in My Life...Alone I Stood.
I recall Passing Magic Johnson outside a Downtown LA Fashion Event in '93...Reminiscing about Those Old Lakers teams, and All Tha Fun We Used 2 Have Enjoying Life Tha Best We Could.
He offered to Help Me Out Whenever I needed it...I declined because I was ashamed because I didn't want any Hand Outs...Even Though I barely could afford Arby's Fries that Had Curls.
Even My Body began to take a Hit...You know How sensitive Us Women are about our Bodies...Everyday of Tha Month it seems like it changes an Inch or Two.
Perhaps I Got Too Caught Up in How Beautiful I Was or Am...Heck, This One Saturday, my presence caused Every Guy and even Animal to stop and stare...That was a Wild Experience at Tha LA Zoo.
I Love Monkeys but to see them stop tossing Bananas, and 2 come To Tha Front of Tha Cage 2 Flirt with Me...With My Mind it Truly Blew.
I was Desperate but Not That Desperate, Although it's tough when Curious George Smiles, and Moves His Eyes 2 Look Down at His Goods...And All I Could Think Was...'God, Has Truly Blessed You!'
One of My Gurls, Who I Nickname 'Tinsel', for her being an Hollywood Model and I guess, Actress...Although I joke around that being in 2pac's "I Get Around" Video doesn't really make U a Star.
But with her Natural California Gurl Beauty, and Her Tijuana Sensuality, She gets like Every Latina Role Up For Grabs...Even 2 This Day Thus Far.
My Gal, Tinsel, Saved Me. She Told Me..."Listen Chica, U Need 2 Get Urself Together, You Used to Have a Body of 100 Grand, Now Ur Looking Like Any Other Candy Bar.
Take This Yoga Class With Me, It's Tha New Hot Thang...We're Gonna Get U Back on Track Fast...By Tha End of Tha Year, U're Gonna be Rolling Big in Some Hunks Ferrari Car."
So I Began To Take Tha Yoga Class...With All These Stretches and Poses...I never knew my Body could even Bend That Certain Way.
This was around like Tha late 90s, so I was still a little Nieve to all this stuff...and...(BIZZZ! BIZZZ! BIZZZ!)
Pardon Me, this Buzzer has Been going off so Much recently, I hope it isn't These Same People, Who Want to Hear My Say.
Let Me Go and See Who This is at My Hidden Door...This is starting to happen Every Single Day.
Look into This Key Hole...(Huff! Door Opens.)..."Can We Have Just One Comment On...."...."Is It True That You Secretly Work For...?"
HOLD ON! HOLD ON! How Did U even get this address? I don't have any signs on My Door.
"Please just a comment...How is He 2 Work For?"....(Flick! Flick!)...Who?..."With...!"....I don't know What Ur Talking About...Can U Please just Back Up Some More!
Tell U What, U need 2 Check Ur Sources...Take Ur Cameras and Microphones and just leave...I Have No Comment...."But...But...Don't Slam Tha Door?!!!"
(SLAM!)
So Where Was I...As U Can See My Life Has Changed Quite A Bit...But Right Now, I'm in Like Tha Best Stage, and Let me tell U how it all Got Started.
I just got out of a Spinning Class off of Melrose one Evening, in which I was riding on a High because in Class they played Lil Kim and Lil Cease's "Crush On You"...Hey, This Italian Gurl has a Hip Hop Heart!
My Beeper went off as I was walking out, it was from This "2-1-9" Number, which I didn't recognize, I responded 2 all Pages..Without Tinsel's Help, I woulda been living out of a Grocery Shopping Cart.
Meaning That I Looked for tha nearest Pay Phone, Gathered Up Some Change and Placed Tha Call...That 35 Cents was expensive, so This Call better be leading to a Some Starring Part.
I Called and This Lady Picked Up....I said, "Hello"...And She Responded, "Who Are U Looking For?"...I didn't have a Straight Up Answer To Speak.
There was a feeling That I wasted 35 Cents and was about to get Hung up on...Until I heard a voice in tha back say, 'Mom...I Got It!...That Call Is For Me.'
Puzzle, I must say Tha Least...Just Hoping That One of My Former Summer Flings wasn't Looking for some Nook Nook, or For Me 2 Go Back Into Being That Freak of Tha Week.
I was surprised though with tha Voice on Tha Other End...It was of a Young Kid...With Whom My Help He was Seek.
He Told me His Name, And How He Had This Vision When It Comes To This Thang Called Luv.
I just Nodded, Cuz it kind of Did Make Sense...I Found Three More Quarters Laying outside Tha Phone Booth...And I Considered That A Sign from Above.
That Bought me just a Little More Time 2 Hear What This High Schooler had 2 say...And his words began to Fit My Soul Like a Glove.
Like I would Buy Tickets To See This Guy in Action...Too Bad back Then They didn't have StubHub.
Flat Out, He Told me That He Heard About Me from This Internet thang....On How I was Tha Hottest of Tha Hot, and Knew How Give Great Bashes.
He wanted my Help for some reason...Cuz He Felt Like His Love Life was Going Up in Ashes.
This Fellow Has Always Been a Big Dreamer, so He Went Straight 2 Tha Top, I guess...With Me who Once Had Beauties Grouped Together in Stashes.
I wasn't a 'Hollywood Madam' with Prostitutes or anythang...But He knew I had somethang Better Than Sex....I understood Tha Mind of Tha Most Beautiful Women...From The Toes Up To Their Sexy Lashes.
So...Matter of Fact, let me just give U a tour of this place...But first U must promise to never tell anybody that I showed U This Lair.
My Client is Super Secretive about How He Does Thangs...When U Own a Galaxy, I Guess U Truly Watch What Should and Shouldn't Be Shared.
What U Are about 2 See is gonna have U Scream out, "Whoooo!"...As If ur name was Ric Flair.
But if anybody asks U on a Friday Night about This Tour...U better Not Chose 'Truth'...Remember, and U Better Not Forget to Always Chose 'Dare.'
From Tha Outside there isn't anythang that would indicate that there is a Gold Mine...At least not from Tha Street's View.
That's Why I'm so surprised that that Paparazzi keeps on Showing Up 2 This Place...If I find out who gave out That Information...I'm Gonna Sue.
I only entrance into this Place...To Get In I have to press My Finger on a Identifier, and Then Yell, "One...Two."
My Client favorite Number is 21...But That would be too easy just in case I got Kidnapped, So I went tha Backwards Method, thinking that would do.
Ok...Are U Ready?!! Alright...So first off I wouldn't Call Myself a Personal Assistant...But To one, and Only One...Actually it should be, "One Two and Only One"...Ha ha! That's a joke!
But My Client prefers to consider me as a Consultant of Amor...He gave me that name. That Silly Bloke!
He runs through Me, what He Should Do when He thinks a Gal is somebody of His Interest...As U Can see I even wear a Heart-Printed Doctor's Coat.
Every thang he Does when it comes to Winning a Gurl's Heart, Has To Go Through Me...Whether that's What 2 Wear on a Date...Or Me Suggesting Who's Worthy of Him Performing a Good Poke.
U probably Don't Believe Me...So...Let Me Show U Some Stuff...First Off, let's start with His Wardrobe...He's gonna Kill U if he knew U were in here.
I told U earlier of Me being a Fashionista So 2 Speak...The last few months has been a Total Revamp of His Look...It was good before, But I wanted something of Kayne West meets Fred Astaire.
How A Guy Looks is so Important, especially with Tha Gurls That He's Into...Wanting Only Gurls Who Have Looks worthy of Vanity Fair.
He's strange, If I must say so...He was in this stage where He refused 2 date Gurls Who Had a Dog, or Tats or Rocked Funky Cashmere.
My Client Has Changed Now...Big time! (Cough!- Cough!...Cough!- Cough!) From My Days in Hollywood, I told Him...You Dress For Who You Want To Attract.
He Would Come In and Tell Me That He's Tired of Dealing with Some Type of Gurl, and I ask him what He was wearing...And He Would Give Me Tha Evil Eye like he was about 2 tear up Our Contract.
If U Want Tha Best...Look Like Like Ur Tha Best...That Doesn't mean in High Price, just make sure Everythang is In Tact.
Nowadays, Guys Don't really dress up That much anymore...So it's appealing to a Gal, if a Guy Shows Up Looking Put Together...Whether They are wearing Glasses or Contacts.
He Collects Tee Shirts...I just opened these Yesterday...This Black Tee with 'Hollywood' In Blurred White Letters...ALL THESE BLURRED LINES!!! HEY! HEY! HEY!....HEY! HEY! HEY!
Sorry...I'm Sorry...I just Love That Robin Thicke and Pharrell Fellow...Then That T.I. guy...Oh, How I would Luv 2 See His Leaning Tower of Pisa! He Can Call Me Everyday.
But...Yeah, U got Lady Gaga Tee Shirts, Eric Spoelstra tee shirts...Cartoon Characters...Beautiful Gurls on tees...U name it, and it's right here in His Wardrobe Bay.
He's ready for this Next Level...And His "Look" is Gonna be on Point...With That I must Say.
Now...What I'm gonna show U is Ultra Top Secret...Come over to This Room...This is Not Ur Ordinary Room of Study.
I told Him When I first began to Work with him Years ago, that True Beauty isn't just on tha Outside, but tha Inside...U need 2 Exercise Ur Mind Day N' Night like Kid Cudi.
So, I Got Him Some Movies and Things So He Can See What A Gurl Really is like On Tha Inside...I Told Him That If U hang around Me Long Enough, I'll Have Ur Dream Gurl going Silly like Putty.
But first it begins in here...(Click.) This is Where My Client Does His Most Important Study.
(What A Girl Wants...What A Girls Needs...Whatever Makes You Happy Sets You Free...And I'm Thanking You....)
He begged me to get him Tha movie How To Be A Player, but I refuse 2 bring That into This Place...U First Have 2 Win Tha Heart of One Bee before U Get a Entire Bee Hive
Tha Movie What Women Want is An All-Time Favorite of My Client...As is Save Tha Last Dance with Julia Stiles...Who I once tried to Hook Him Up with, but it took a Nose Dive.
Now it's like Every Freakin' Day, My Client wants me To Match him up with Elsa Pataky...Us Italians don't always get along with Spanish Gurls...But Perhaps I Can help him with that Co-Star of Fast Five.
Then I Gave Him Some Books...Over there U can see That The Nanny Diaries still has dust on tha Cover...Why Do Guys always want to watch Tha Movie Instead?
I told him about Breakfast At Tiffany's, gave him Tha Book as well, But He Opted to Look at Audrey Hepburn's Curves So He Could Dream of Her Laying next to Him on His Bed.
But Yeah...A Book on Marilyn Monroe is over there as well...If He wants Sexy...He Has 2 Know What Makes Tha Sexy Tick...and How They Want 2 Get Fed.
That's a Whole Nother Topic involving What Gals Like 2 Eat...Some are very Particular about What they Eat...While Others Eat like Everyday is a Vacation at Club Med.
Oh Boy! Look at Tha Ti...(Ah-Chew!) I don't believe it...I sneezed...Huh. Haven't Done That Since like 2010.
Ok. Now Ur Gonna get Something Very Secretive...It's Over here on Tha other Side....Matter of Fact it's Downstairs Here in Our Luv Den.
There, We're Down Here Now...Please Don't Touch Any of These Artifacts...Not Even That Freakin' Pen.
Everythang Down Here has a story...There's So Much Down Here...I don't even know Where 2 Begin.
So as U Look Around...This Place Holds Every Artifact...Diary Post Written..EVERYTHANG! That has to do with a Gurl that Has Passed Through His Life of Lust.
This is Like a Hall of Fame of My Client's Love Life...Just Look...Receipts from Spa Treatments, Ink Pens from Love Letters written Backwards...Photo of this one girl banging on His Window with her Bust.
Here's another Photo of a Curvy Girl dressed up as a Wicked Witch...To Tha Picture of His Hands after He Helped Three Girls get Into their South Beach Apartment...Where Tha only Way was via a Booty Touch.
Telling U This Stuff needs to Go Into Some kind of Smithsonian Museum...I even got a Leftover from a Super Bowl Party he Attended...Lots of Hotties There...And as Proof I still got tha bitten Pizza Crust!
Yeah, he trusts Me So...Recently, He's been asking me about His Diary, and if He Should Call Out Names of a Certain...Few.
I told him that U need 2 Be Honest 2 Urself...And Speak from Ur Heart...If They Don't Like What They Read...So Be It...What More Should U Do.
So Over Here, I have a Rough Draft of a list of All The Girls He wanted 2 Write about, Matter of fact I'm gonna Keep it for Tha Book that's gonna make his Life truly seem Brand New.
But He wrote what He Wrote In His Diary...And I'm Proud of Him...See With My Client There is Never Such A Thang as Biting Off More Than U Can Chew.
It's serious in This Den Though...Teddy Bears, Jewelry, Concert Tickets...He Has so Much That He Wants to Do, and I Encourage Him...More than just Every Now and Again.
Some Nights he's Called or Come Over a little Disappointed...Cuz He Did something for somebody for His Heart...Not Caring if They even Had a Boyfriend.
Tha Other Night, He just Called Me...And Said...'I Lost Her...I Lost Her....A simple Token of Appreciation has Led 2 a Broken Bridge of Friendship That May Never Mend.'
He told Me of Tha Situation and I told Him..."Gurls sometimes Need Time To Think...But One...That Shouldn't deter U from Who U Are. And Two, Now she now knows how U Feel about her Within."
My Client Doesn't Like being in This Den For Too Long...Cuz It Brings Up Tha Past and Too Many Unanswered Questions of...Why?
Plus...So much is in store with Him, that it's No reason for Him to Look Back with Regret and Cry.
Let's Go Back Upstairs...Cuz I Was Working on Somethang and let's see if tha Drip of Water on that Pedal Finally Dried.
Yeah...I work for perhaps Tha Craziest Guy U'll Ever Meet...Tough 2 Figure Him Out...And Believe U Me...I've Tried.
Alright, Back Upstairs...So I've been working on This Flower Display...It was by Special Request with Somebody in Particular in Mind.
My Client told me of this Idea of Buying an Entire Wardrobe for his future Mate...Before He Even meets Her...Ah...From a Gurl's Prospective That's Kind of Like Creepy...May indicate a Looney Mind.
But These Flowers I put My best work into it...I believe My Client is Gonna Think of Them so Kind.
He's being Secretive about Who They Are For....She must Truly Be One of A Kind.
One Thang I Would say Working for My Client is That...He Keeps on Getting Better and Better.
It's almost like Marrying a Porn Star...And Despite Her 300 Videos, There's No Way U Figure She can get Any More Wetter and Wetter.
Now That Level of Beauty Has Been Raised 2 This Level...Where I Hope Somebody Can Reach It...Cuz It went from Smokin' To Boiling Hot...Like a Tea Kettle.
Just Like everybody Else Has been Telling Him...I think he now realizes That He's Asked Tha Wrong Gurls Out...I Told Him Earlier Today...No Longer Should U Settle.
Tha Wardrobe is Right, U Got Lessons Nobody Else Can Conceive...Ur Swagger Knows That Whoever Doesn't Get or Want You is Truly Mission Out.
I Told Him To Live In Terms of "Fun" and not in Tha Terms of "I Told You So"...Even Though I know That Somebody One Day is Gonna here His name and Begin To Pout.
Cuz They Missed Out on This Opportunity...That Comes Along as a often as an Studio Album being put out by No Doubt.
But Each Experience Has Drove My Client To Higher and Higher Levels...And I Told Him 2 Share With Others How Disappointments Soon Lead U Tha Ultimate Joy of Shout.
I'm Gonna Have 2 Let U All Go...I just Got My Client A New Phone...It's Tha HTC One (M8)...Have 2 Program it...That's just Another Example Of Him Wanting Tha Best of Tha Absolute Best.
Told Him That He's Beginning Tha Season of Want...Where Thangs are gonna come in Unforeseen ways like never before...like The Winds from Tha West.
After Struggling With Who He Was and What He Thought He Wanted...My Client Can Finally Rest.
And Be Assured That Sometimes What You Don't Get...Or Tha Gurl U Don't Hang Out With...Is Tha Greatest Thang 2 Happen 2 You...Cuz it's Those jewels of Inspiration That Shine In Ur Treasure Chest.
Can't Believe That I Showed U So Much about My Client, and Myself...We consider ourselves Tha Ultimate Combination of Luv and of Fun.
It's So Awesome To See How Far My Client Has Come...We've Helped Him A lot Along Tha Way, but Now we are Having a Season not seen since Tha Year of 2001.
See...I'm Tha One Who Works Behind Tha Scenes...Making Sure You Get Tha Best...Might as Well Admit it...The Best Austino Galaxia Under Tha Moon and Tha Sun.
Hoping That He Gets even Who He Wants...Even Though When That Day Comes That's Might Mean That My Job is Done.
I Look at This Bouquet of Flowers...Realizing That This Might Be My Last Time...I Really Don't Know.
Have No Idea If He's just gonna Put Them On Ice or Actually Give Them 2 Somebody...No Matter Tha Case I'll Do them for Free and Some Funfetti Cake Dough.
Sometimes I Wish That He Will Never Ever Meet Tha Gurl of His Dreams...Cuz This Journey has Been Giving To Me On a Silver Platter with a Gift and a Bow.
Enjoy All Of This Because I Think once He Picks Up These Flowers it'll be over, and we'll Think it's Been One Heck of A Show.
He's On His Way For These Flowers...So I Have 2 Be Happy That One More Time, I get to Help My Boy get What He Wants Outta Life's Wishing Well.
Through It All, He's remained True To Himself, Even Though His Life Seemed 2 Be One Big Circus Stunt in Which He Never Could Set Sail.
Now Though...We're Living Tha Dream...Everythang we can Want...All With Tha Attitude of Never Forgetting to Bring Ur Lunch Pail.
Hopefully U Now Understand Who Helps My Client 2 Be Who He Is...Ms. Florenza Allegra Isabella Luisa...Or U Can Call Me By My Nickname...
..."F.A.I.L."
Never Again Will I.
Galaxia!
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