(Somewhere in a Penthouse on Ocean Drive)
"Dar...ling, you have got to be kidding me. You think I just show up for anybody whenever they ask for me?! Ur Highly mistaken. Listen, I only show up to those parties who have paid their dues, and once they've put in tha time and the effort, then maybe, I mean, may...be I will make a cameo appearance. Honey, I'm special. Really special. I gotta go, these camera fellows are here, alright...Smooches."
(Phone click.)
"Well, Hello, my friends. My publicist said that you were gonna arrive here, but I had no idea it was gonna be so soon. I mean, I have nothing on but this robe. Your gonna get tha real me. So once again, you guys are following somebody who's gonna meet this Galaxia fellow. I saw that first video-docu, or whatever u call it, a few months ago involving that old man. That's why I only mess with tha young ones, they're are tha only ones who can hang with a doll such as myself. I dabbled with a few people back in tha day on Wall Street and at some Mom and Pop horse tracks. They thought they owned me. They may have for a night, but after a while, I was on to tha next one, as Shawn would say. They didn't even know I set up that Roc-A-Fella thang. And then with that Rihanna girl. I brought them together as well. Sort of. But that's a glass of wine for another time. Do you mind if I light up a cigarette? I feel so much more...sensual when I do. (Flick.) During after parties or when a sports team wins a championship, I usually am invited to tha locker room, I'm just sitting in tha back unnoticeable, puffing away...Puff!...Puff!...Puff! Do you enjoy how I 'Puff' on my long stick. How my lips move so effortlessly together...forming a perfectly, symetric letter O. Oh, how I luv messing with you men. U guys are so easy to entertain, I mean, I bet just tha thought of me can make you run and buy an hundred lottery tickets. I mean, I've seen machos, some of the so call strongest guys, go 'Goo-Goo Gah Gah' just from the rumors that I was in the building. Did u catch that? Just tha rumors of me, makes them go wild...Running to give up houses...cars...watches...That's what u really call P Control. Or in my case, LL Control. ("Puff!") And I can have even you if I wanted to. And it won't be anything u can do about it, either. Let's move to tha dining room, where we can get more...Comfy."
('This is some place.')
"I decorated it all myself. I was into ponies and horses as a child. So I have a few horseshoes on tha walls to take me back to those ranch days. Green is still my favorite color to this day. Anything that has to do with that color, I collect, and where. Ooops! Somehow my robe fell...Do u like what u see? I guess I do have on my leafy undies to hide my soft spots of Eden. I saw Mariah Carey do this once on that one show...What was tha show where they went to celebrities homes and..."
('Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous?')
"No...No stupid. I know that one, I dated half of the guys who were on their including tha Robin Leach fellow. The one with the Hippty-Hop stars, and boy band members, and movie stars were in...Ah, I can't think of it, right now...It was on MTV. Whatever...But anyway, Mimi, whose really sweet in person, you should meet here, she did a stunt like this, and it was like viral. She felt more at ease, and so do I. You don't mind do you?"
('Noooo Ma'am.')
"Good. Alright, I bet you've never seen a dining room quite like this one right. Overlooking the Atlantic Ocean...So beautiful."
('Whose this a picture of?')
"U just had to bring that up? I got 7 million dollars worth of paintings and diner sets in here, and u had to pick tha dusty low life picture hanging by a JoAnn Fabric in tha corner. ("Puff") I'm gonna need a little something as well, to talk about this one, I having a Sex on Tha Beach. What's your poison, is it Gin or Vodka Tonic?"
('I...I...don't drink.')
"Am I making you nervous?"
('No Ma'am.')
"You sound like you've never been in the presence of a beautiful woman. Now, what's your poison? I know you say that you don't drink, and that's tha Joel Osteen way of talking, but hey, u're in Miami, and everybody dabbles every now and then. I got my friend Mr. Busta's favorite drink, Courvoiser...I got Ciroc, which can turn you into a very, very Bad Boy, my business partner Sean can attest to that...I can make a martini like Frankie Baby and the rest of his Rat friends liked it back in tha day. If you choose that one, I can show u a trick, I call Pogo-Stick, with tha olive that will have you...Ur not ready for that. Corona, Patron, come on tell me something..."
('Can I have a Cosmo?')
"Cosmo? I making you a Scotch, with my sexy boom-boom twist. So....(Drink being mixed)....you asked about that picture...(Shake-Shake-Shake-Shake)...Well, that was my Ex-Husband. His name is Sir Charms. And..."
('Hey, ain't he tha guy on...')
"Don't remind me. See, we met in this casino up in Vegas way back in tha day. He was a little short for how I like them, but his charm, no pun intended, was what drew me in. I didn't know too much about him. But when I told my friends who I was seeing, they were like going wild. He was a such a celebrity, especially to kids. Commercials, in magazines...It was crazy. Here you go, drink slow alright. But...("Puff!")...He would give me so many things. The jewelry was amazing, anything you could ask for. Rainbows, Balloons, I mean, he gave me tha Moons and the Stars for real. Everytime we were together, it was just so...perfect. He loved the color green too. Dressing up in his Notre Dame outfits, with that funky hat. The guy was just sexy. I loved him."
('Ahhh! Cough, Cough! This is some strong stuff. Ahh! So, Cough, Cough...What...Cough, Cough...Happened?')
"Boy, u need some hair on your chest the modern women like that. So what happened...Well, he got so involved in trying to be young. He had plastic surgery done, which makes it look like he hasn't aged one iota since the Nixon administration. Then recently he switched up his diet. He went on this 'Whole Grain' binge, that was driving me crazy. I mean, I didn't get all these curves eating low sugar and...It Still drives me wild to even think about it. He says his Boss, whose name is only initials, F.D.A., told him that he was one of their best pitch men, and he better shape up things or he was out. Then the military got involved and actually had the nerve to call...Muah! I...(Cough, Cough, excuse me.."Puff!") One night I got a call from one of the top guys named General Mills, and he told me to, and I quote, "Get with tha program or Divorce Him!...So I got out. And the funny thang is this same General Mills fellow, like a few months later was rumored to be having an affair with this scary looking Chocula guy. Who looks like a vampire, they call him 'The Count'...I mean, I'm a freak and all, but not even I would get with, let along give him a piece of my brain...("Puff!")...If you catch my driff. ("Puff!")"
('I do.')
"Good. Enough about me, so let me put this out...(Cough, Cough!) So you're hear to tape me and Austino Galaxia's first date huh?"
('Yes, but are you prepared for him? I mean, have u done your homework?')
"Child, I was born prepared. I mean, when I was born in the hospital, the doctor and nurse gave me a standing ovation just because they've never seen anybody so beautiful. I'm always ready...Let me see...(Notebook taken from dining table)...Am I prepared? Ha! Let me see...Subject woken up by text message at 3:02 am, this morning...While driving on Kendall Drive, or to some SW 88th Street, was met by a guy asking for money. The subject was approached by tha man, but received nothing but love in tha form of a hand pound as the subject was riding with his top down, and some encouraging words. Galaxia's 'I Love You' sign language symbol was given, and game was respected....Reported to work at 9:40 am...Late just like a typical South Beach kid...No Lunch...Went to Post Office around 3:15 pm this afternoon. Two stamps ordered...Not that u care to know, it was a stamp symbolizing the anniversary of the 'I Have a Dream speech'...(Page turned) Should I go on?"
('Why not.')
"Subject illegally may I add receive a free Vita Coco Coconut water, while making a purchase of $48.36. Purchase included: Alexia Sweet Potato Tots, Smart Balance Low-Fat Milk, Tropicana OJ with Lots of Pulp, 2 can of No Salt Added Peas...1 can of No Salt Added Sweet Corn...2 boxes of Eggo Waffles in tha..."
('Nutri-Grain Blueberry flavor...I think I got ur drift. Besides, everybody knows that's his favorite kind. U don't play huh? But isn't his diet, a lot like you Ex-husband's?')
"I know. I know...I messed up. I can't go back in time, but I can go to the next best thang to try and make up for it. See, I've been hearing a lot about this Galaxia guy for awhile. My girlfriends used to tell me how they read about this character who's always talking about fun and love. And how he might be somebody who would be good for me. I kept telling them, that I like that dream girl, who guys feel exist, but has never seen them. Girls like yours truly, knows what she has. Been around the block a few times...in my Benz of course. Bikes...Like Ew! They wear on tha kitty kat....But anyway, my girlfriends are hooking me up, cuz I've never met him, just read some stuff on him, and have a private investigator, as you can see, follow his every move, to make sure that I'm not getting myself into some scheme. He seems to be real though...Let's go upstairs and pick something out."
(Climbing Stairs)
"Now I hear that this guy loves fashion, so what do u think I should wear."
('U should wear what u have on now! Ha Ha!')
"That Scotch Bada-Boom, Bada-Bing loosened u up, I see! That's my boy! Should I go J. Lo at tha Grammy's...Or...Here, I'm gonna wear this low-cut, body hugging, dress that Oscar sent me a few years ago. Been waiting for the right moment to pull this thang out. It was inspired by that Poison Ivy gal in that Batman: The Animated Series cartoons. She was soooo sexy! Now, don't peak, as I take of my three leaves."
('I won't.')
"There. And Ta-dow. How do I look?"
(Silence.)
"A man's silence can say it all. Now, my nails are already painted purple, Galaxa's favorite color. Let me spray on my new favorite perfume called Envy, and let's get ready to do this 'Lights, Camera, Action' thang. Missing something...something..."
('So what are you gonna tell him when u first see him?')
"Huh. There they are, my keys. Don't know how I can miss them with this big rabbit's foot hanging on them. Now what did you say?"
('What are u gonna tell him when u first see him?')
"Well, first I'm gonna softly bounce my way to his front door. And when he opens it, I'm gonna give him a really big kiss. Set tha tone right away. He's gonna smile, and then take a hard look at my body. I'm gonna make sure that all my angles are right not only for him, but for tha camera as well. He's gonna be in awe. Then I'm gonna simply tell him the following: I can have anybody, male or female, that I want. But for the first time, I feel like the timing is perfect for us to meet. Many people don't think that I exsist, but I'm hear to tell you that in some ways I do. But I come as an opportunity to those who work hard, and simply believe. This date...this is when I'm gonna whisper...'This date is gonna blow your mind. Every move I make is gonna be right...Every word that I say is gonna be enticing...And I'm gonna be more than your fantasy come true.' And that's when I kiss him again, and you will then see why I am who I am."
('And who are you?')
"Boy...(Lip gloss being put on)...you are about to see a show. See, life is about what u bring to tha table. I got rid of so many losers, because they wanted me to do everything. But u gotta put forth a little effort as well. I loved to be talked about, but I only show my presence in those who do something for themselves, and not put everything on me. Once I see somebody, or my girlfriends see somebody worthy of my presence, then I give it a try. This guy has been doing his thang for years, and it's a wonder we haven't hooked up yet. Pass me my fur...Thanks. But after tonight, his life will never be tha same, and all his friends, and buddies are gonna be in awed of how he got me on his arm. Not knowing the sacrifices he had to make, and the time he put into 'Tha Game'. I'm gonna make sure that I've been worth tha wait. He created this, now I'm gonna put it on him. And show him that there isn't anybody like me, and I'm gonna be worth tha wait.Are u guys ready? Do my boobs look right? And my butt? Great. Let's go."
('Let's Go.')
"Fellas if you never knew before, you are now gonna see why I'm part of the sexiest siblings of women in tha world..."
('Oh.')
"You see Fame is my sister, and me....Boys, you are about to see why they call me...Lady Luck."
Tha Fun has officially begun.
Austino Galaxia.
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