(Tom Ford...Tom Ford...Tom Ford...Com-ing Up...Com-ing Down...Ride clean...fix u head, in my crown...bad..)
Oh, no...not already! It's like I just went to sleep...Where's my phone?
(...International...bring back tha Concorde...Numbers-don't-lie, check tha...Swipe!)
Man, that nap was...(Yawn!)...That nap was soooo crazy. It's nothing like getting some shut-eye before a day of fun really begins. This is about to be a crazy day. Can't believe that it has finally arrived. After all that we've been through, it's like...I don't know. It's crazy. I think about all the crazy things that has been going on in our life, and all the wild things that has been going on with us and these girls. I mean, tha other day, while I was in line at this store, and I'm not making this up, this checkout girl was about to ring us up, and next thing I know it, she pour a cup of water straight up down her shirt and into her boobies. I'm thinking, "U gotta be kidding me?!!" I'm not lying one Ryan Braun about this. First it threw me off like, Dang! Why does this stuff always happen when I don't have any singles on me?! I mean, u cute and all, but it's gonna take a whole lot of Penolope Cruz's and Lauren London's before I make it rain with this Lincoln five! Then secondly, I thought doesn't she know that two cups of water are better than one when it comes to these gimmicks. I thought that they only do these things at those local radio win a free Frisbee setups on Spring Break in Cancun or on Wiksteria Lane with that Desperate Housewife chick Edie Britt . But once again, our life is beyond words.
Freakin' Daffy Duck! It's 9:11 am, I gotta get going here. What to wear...What to wea...(Smash!) U know what, I'm so sick and tired of this Ikea bed breaking everytime I...Why do they make these instructions so hard?! Huh, that just hit me...Buying Ikea products is almost just like dating a Miami guy. U know what ur getting urself into...yet u buy anyway...they are hard to figure out how it work....U get caught up in the hype knowing it's gonna be a lot of screwing going on...Wondering if u put a screw in too early in tha relationship would that lead to a lifetime of nights with tha headboard breaking or if u shoulda just explored ur freaky side and got down with those swingers name Ms. Crate and Mr. Barrel?! It's wild. What to wear...What to...wear. Am I the only person here in South Beach, that's been blessed with like a closet full of names of designers that u need a dictionary to pronounce, yet and still feel like u don't have nothing to wear? I still need to pop tags on some of these things. This is a jean occasion...Guess we'll put on these Joe's with...this Lakers shirt? No...don't feel like dealing with this Miami/LA city rivalry talk on today...How about we step it up a notch. Hugo button down, lay that out on tha bed, and we're almost done.
(Everybody get up...Hey-Hey-Hey.....Hey-Hey-Hey...Hey-Hey-Hey...If u can't hear, what I'm trying to say...If u can't...)
Who's calling now?...Yo, what up?!...Gurl, I know I'm running late, but...I'm getting dressed right now, I just have to find my socks and...Listen, I'll be over there in a little bit, just tell them to be patient, alright...One.
(Click.)
Being patient. Huh. That's something that I have had 2 learn tha hard way. People think its so easy to keep on pushing when it seems like there's no light at tha end of the tunnel. Especially when u got an ego as big as us. Some of this stuff, I've had to deal with is just...just...Whatever. Where's my lucky rubber band. U know what I'm just gonna grab some stuff and be a pawn to creativity to how I'm about to look on today. Keys. A/C blasting cuz its hot as a mug today. Shut tha door! And we're out. Now where did I park? Man, these folks down here in South Beach, they treat parking spots like The Hunger Games or some junk. I mean, they be parking all up on curbs, besides dumpsters in alleyways, and if I see somebody else park French Montana, I mean, French Kiss close to my ride... The other day, I had to dag gone near pull out and swipe my Dave & Buster's Power card out just to make sure these fools left room for me to pull out! And I'll be 2 Chainz in drag before they make me scratch up that card, knowing I still gotta win that Miami Dolphins stuff animal outta that robo-claw machine they got. I mean, I'll settle for Scooby-Doo, but I really want that Dolphins little fellow. Alright, here we are. Hop in...Buckle up. Top Down. Hook up Galaxy to CD player. Put on this Best of Sheryl Crow, which is a banging album by tha way. And we're off.
Boy, Fifth street on Saturdays is a mess. So much traffic, everybody coming to South Beach to get their fun in. I like to actually go other places like up in Broward or up to like Ft. Lauderdale, or Boca Raton or even Palm Beach on tha weekends cuz sometimes it can just be too much of a fake freak fes...
(Honk! Honk!)
I just know he ain't honking at me. U DON'T KNOW ME, SON! People think I'm low key, but I have a lot of Trick Daddy thug in us. A lot! I mean, just because I rock pink Nike socks with my Kobe's, or just because I'm thinking about painting my fingernails tha color of Funfetti Cake, and just because I think that Wham! is one of the greatest music groups of the 20th century, doesn't mean that I won't throw them thangs or make a phone call to some homegirls to run up their '86 Olds Cutlass Supreme up and through ur front porch window. We don't play! Finally, some lee-way, I'm about to kick this up. 40 mph, ah...I'm a future star in tha making, I can go 50mph can't eye. I mean, they let Lebron get a police escort to ride on the wrong side of the road, so I think they can give me ten, right?! Star Island...Port of Miami...It's so easy to take all of this for granted. Hiccup or Hiscubus or whatever Island. They said they be hooping over there. I need to go one day. But not today, our destination is the Design District. That's interesting, what if they put that casino right here at tha old Miami Herald building? What? That would be crazy. Get off here on Biscayne.
(Beep-Beep.)
'r u close, evrybody's waiting?'
Don't have time to answer that text, I'm like five minutes away. Just a few turns, and I'll be there. Ain't it crazy when u see special places or restaurants and u think about people and moments that made an impact in ur life. Like that Checker's restaurant to my left, or that old block 2 my right that had that Chinese Dine-in joint that reminded u of a Mafia movie backdrop sans the Italian violin playing in tha background. Or this Wendy's coming up here, where I was in tha drive-up line on my Vespa about to get my Chili on, when basically the whole cooking staff was out by the dumpster dancing and jooking to Mary J. Blige's "Just Fine". And although, inside, my body was Harlem Shaking like it was circa 2001, my mind was like, "Whoever's inside, better not be following Missy Elliott's Cookbook or this is gonna be $1.73 that I could use on some things that really matter in my life. Like these Burberry underwear with that plaid stripes that I've been eyeing like a dime piece up in Mansion. Yeah...Priorities people. Make a left here...
We're here. Huh. A lot of cars are out here. Awesome. That means that people want to see something special. Even though if one person was here, I'll still give my best. Where's tha back door? Right here.
(Thump!)
Mutha-Samuel L. Jackson!! The freakin' door just like..fell off. Are u serious? I hope ain't no Scary Movie junk is about to break loose up in here. I'm just a "I know what u did last Summer" from dropping to my knees and praying to Tim Tebow for some big time help. This place is so...like...who was tha last to perform in this joint? All this dust, Cough! Cough!...Blue Suede shoes over here..Yellow tinted sunglasses with B-O-N-O on the inside, no idea what tha means...Look, at this. Who wears sliver glove that laced in glitter? Whoever wore that probably didn't make it...And then over here u got...
"Did u get my text?"
Yeah, but I was on tha road, and according to tha Florida Highway Safety board, driving while sexting...Sorry that's kinda personal, I mean while texting can...
"I know it can kill. But still. These people have been waiting for a long time for u to get here. And ur so caught up in ur South Beach lifestyle, that u can't even be on time for the most important performance of ur life. There are some important people in tha audience that can make or break ur career, and here u go. I'm tired of it, Austino, I really am."
You know, Ne-yo is right... U Miami women look so fierce when ur mad.
(Angry glare.) "Listen, u got five minutes to get urself ready. There's a bathroom over there..."
Can a playa get a dressing room?
"LIKE I SAID, THERE'S A BATHROOM...over there, take a glance or do whatever u have to do, I'm gonna go outside stall some and then I'm gonna introduce u, and u better be ready when I call ur name."
Whatever. This don't make no sense. I hire this chick, thinking she has all the credentials to put me on top, that's an inside jokey joke, and next thing I know she has ur boy getting dressed in a freakin' bathroom. I mean, this small port-a-potty thing don't even got no soap. Don't they know I'm a recovering Germaphobe. O-M-G! Like straight up Hashtag O-M-G! There's a roach...There's a roach...I thought somebody told me they died out in '05...And it's climbing inside my Herschel backpack...Swat! Swat! I gotta get outta here...A$AP Rocky.
"He's kinda new to tha scene, although he's been around for a few years now. Many of u have heard of him, while there are quite a few of you, that haven't. If this is ur first time, get urself ready, because it's gonna be a treat. You've heard him talk about Fun...You've heard him talk about Love...But you have never heard him, like ur gonna hear him on today. Here he his, the self-proclaimed, 'Zen Master of Fun'...The one Club Pri-vay once headlined as "Austino Warhol"...The one friends and family alike nicknamed 'Pooh' after Winnie The Pooh...On tha Disney Channel...Which came on Saturday mornings...(Teeth Clinching)...at 9am...where-is-he..."
(Head nod from side)
"Austino...Galaxia."
(Scattered Hand claps)
Thank you, thank you....Bada Boom Boom!
(Audience murmuring)
It's ok, It's ok! This stage done jumped up on me and tried to trip me. If u thought that fall was hard, u shoulda seen me when I was at this one party up North. I'll be alright...I'll be all-right
("Toilereoet Tisereverssue!")
Huh.
("Toilet Tissue...U got Toilet Tissue on ur shoe!")
OH! Thanks. Well, that's kind of symbolic, because ever since I've gotten inside of this building, I've felt like...(Glance at kid in front row)..."Stuff". Anyway, thank you all for coming out on this day. Decided to do this thang early in tha day, cuz we all have parties and get-together's to attend to later tonight. I mean, it is Miami. I've been through a lot, and have seen a lot. But today is a new beginning, and hopefully it's something that you all will enjoy. I want this new season, to be a journey, and I want u to feel every ounce of my thirst for having fun, and living in tha moment. I'm a romantic at heart, so of course my pieces will have a lot to do with love and this dating thing. More importantly though, as u listen to what I've written I want you to feel like something special is in tha air, and that there will never be anything like this ever again. If u like what u hear, my friend Bootsie will be selling CDs outta tha trunk of his Impala right outside in tha parking lot of this Cracker Jack place we are now in.
(Ha Ha Ha!...Small Crowd Laughter)
So for the first time, I'm gonna perform, something special, and unreleased. I hope u like it. I've been away for some time, but this is gonna show that I'm back, and that I'm better than ever. Alright. How do I use this thing? That's a joke. Babes, can u come here and lift this chair a few notches, it feels a little off.
(Creek...Creek.)
Give it up for my homegirl! She's my Jump Off...I mean, Assistant. (Smile!) She's made all of this possible, and without her I wouldn't be here. Took one heck of an offer to get her on my team. These 305 women won't take nothing less than a Mercedes and a Groupon for a Manicure/Cupcake shop. It's crazy. But when in Rome, right...Alright. How u guys like this Sony Vaio machine, it's my baby. My baby...What I'm gonna perform is personal, and very special to my heart, and it's simply called...
Austino Galaxia's Universo.
Ah-hem. (Fingers Crack)
Click-Click-Click-Click....ClickClickClickClick....Click-Click....Click-Click...Clickety-Click...Clickety-Click...Click-Click-Click...ClickClick....ClickClick...........Click.
Thank you all so much for coming out! It's been a real treat.
(Silence.)
"I flew people in around the world, or Galaxy and u give them 21 seconds."
Yep. Wait til u hear tha DJ Khaled version.
"This ain't funny. Are u serious right now?"
Angel, I gave tha people exactly what I wanted to give them. Those who are ready for me, will look deep into what just happen...They will understand. Trust me, they will.
Meanwhile out in the auditorium...on-stage sits Austino Galaxia's "Baby". Trash rains in from front to back, and as tha boos reflect all tha disappointment in tha air. A small kid runs to the front of tha stage, and grabs that coveted "Baby" and brings it back to his seat. For he waited in line for two hours, and was determined to come away with something. Something strange then occurred, the raucous crowd then quieted, and began to huddle over this boy. And as he turned tha "Baby" around, a smile came upon his face and a fist pump of satisfaction was exerted.
Next thing he knew it everybody began to cheer loudly, and there was a sense of celebration in the air. The boy then laid down the "Baby" on tha wooden floor. And dancing and singing began to occur. All the while, Austino Galaxia's "Baby" sat quietly, with only small message typed on its screen:
("This is Only Tha Beginning. U will get nothing but my best! Have Fun & Luv. Austino Galaxia".)
And with that it all began. That Saturday August, 24th day. How it ended, you'll have to stay tune for that. Somehow I have a feeling that this is about to get really good. Still there is just one question remaining though...
Are you ready?
I am.
2 Finger Kiss.
Austino Galaxia.
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