(Parental Discretion Advised)
'Welcome To Tha Finals of Rhyme-fest Twenty...Thirteeennn!!!'
(Crowd going wild!)
I freakin' can't believe that u brought me to this thing. U know how I feel about these things.
"Listen, u just need to get over it. I know they've done u wrong for tha last few years out, but homie..."
Last few years?? Dude, I've entered this stupid contest for tha last decade. Each time out I was better than these bufoons that they gave tha trophy and that $10,000 prize money to. Every-Single-Time. Right now, I'm just at a point where I'm sick and tired of having to "wait" for my turn to come when I gotta watch others get theirs before me. When I know they aren't as true to tha game as I am. Makes me wanna throw up, for real.
"Brotha, I feel you, but u sometimes have to pay ur dues in life..."
NO! NO! Paying ur dues is supposed to take like one contest or maybe even two. But to keep coming to this block here on Ocean Drive, and look at all these chicken heads sweat these dudes like they're tha best thang since Vanilla Ice and Uncle Luke, when I know for a fact that all they rapping about is some freakin' video that Hype Williams produced back in 2000. They're all Posers, for real. I'm real, and for being real, I guess I lose. Just ain't fair. I know it. U know it. That cat over there sitting on tha garbage can with that old Alonzo Mourning jersey on knows it. Matter of face, even God knows it. Tell you dude, I've really just had it.
"Hey, u never know what may happen at any given moment. I know that ur true to tha game. Just because u've been robbed of a few trophies...and I guess let me count...10, 20, 30, 40 thousand...alright, let's just say u've lost out on about 100,000 Lady Gaga's worth of change...That still doesn't mean that ur time is up. Look, I know u got it in u. Why don't u just relax here, and check out all this scenary...I mean, look over there, what do u think, real or fake?"
I-don't-e-ven care. (While gazing at tha beauty.)
"That sounds like my homeboy. Look we've been together since like grade school. When u needed help on ur Dr. Seuss essay, who was there for you?"
You dude.
"When in Middle School, and u wanted to go to that school dance and u told me that u would only go out with an Blonde Asian chick, who wore glasses, who loved Saved By Tha Bell, and who could rap tha theme song of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air in Japanese. Did I not come through?!"
Sort of.
"Sort of?!!! That girl went on to be Homecoming Queen, and from their interned at the United Nations, and on top of that posed for Playboy's 'Girls of UNICEF' issue. Homedude, I freakin' gave u tha cream of tha crop. And didn't u and her have a little after tha dance get together in tha back of her Hummer truck? I mean, all I remember is that u had hickey's all over tha side of ur face, and u straight up told Coach Jenners..."
I gotta stop using that Clearasil cream. Ha Ha! That was wild. I had like 30 points that night too.
"It was more like 40! But Word is she still wants u bro. U need to get at that."
Whatever.
"Anyway, tha point is, I got ur back, and I know you's got skillz like Tim Hardaway, and one day this whole world or Galaxy as u call it, is gonna know. Just watch, I promise. Hey, Mamacita! (Whistle) Mami!! Hey, with tha pony tail! Listen here, little Mama, why don't u Add me to ur life, Subtract all these losers and has beens, and we go 2 ur place so we can do a little Dividing of those yams, so we can get started with a little Multiplication! And if u didn't know, I like to do my math, tha extra loooong way."
(Smack!)
Bro, u need to work on ur lines. This ain't 1994 bro. These new age Miami chicks ain't gonna go for that Seasme Street jive talk. As Snoop Dizzle would say, ' U gotta step ur game up, dude. Real talk.'
"Whatever. I was just practicing anyway, and besides...Do u know how many chicks love Big Bird. I mean, he can pluck any feather he chooses. Just tha other day, I overheard this 4 yr. old girl talking about him. Bout time she's 20...she gonna be in part 2 of Twista and Pharrell's 'Give It Up' Video. See, that's tha thang with Big Bird, he hypnotizes these chicks when they're young, knowing that when they get older, they gonna be tossing them panti..."
Enough about Big Bird alright? Dang! Look, I'm only gonna stay here for like 10 minutes. And let it be known the only reason I'm still here, is because of you. Just saying.
"Cool. Let's see what this stage host is talking about. Is it me or does he look like a poor man's Pauley D?!!! I mean, are u serious, way too much tanning dude...HEY! TELL SNOOKI TO GIVE ME MY AIR JORDAN'S FROM OUT FROM UNDER HER BED!!"
Shhhh! U need 2 stop. Just give ol' dude a chance. He might have something to say.
'Alright! Are y'all hype or are all y'all hyped?!! I mean, Raise tha Roof! Raise tha Roof!...Y'all ready....Shorty want a thuggg....Bottles in tha clubb...Shorty want 2 hump...Like a Lollipop! Li-Li-Li-Li-Like a Lollipop...Oh, Oh!! U about to make me go into my dance...I'm about to do tha Sprinkler...Click! Click! Click!...And...now I'm doin' tha Beyonce bounce.'
U right, this dude's straight whack! They couldn't get DJ Laz or somebody for this?? Get me tha f...
"Wait... I gotta see this...Oh, Snap, now he's going into that fist pump. I love it!! This guy's my hero!!"
'Alright. U know how I get off of tha Lil Wayne fellow. I get down!! Whew! I'm outta breath...Ok. For the first, and if I have something to...(Huff! Huff!)...do with it. Geeez, I'm tired...This is a first for this contest, we just gave the trophy to Macklemore's younger cousin, Lil Pawn Shop. But as a first, we're gonna give somebody out of tha crowd a chance to top his last winning rhyme. Do we have anybody willing to take it...dare I say... to tha Pawn Shop!'
(With a Sneaky Stare) "Bro, here's ur chance! This is it, like Michael Jackson. Go up there! Get ur..."
Bunk that dude. I'm done. All these dummies do is rob people. They don't recognize true talent, they don't.
"Go up there and prove to them they are sleeping on u. Hey...isn't that that chick that u just ran into at tha laundromat earlier today."
'Anybody?...Anybody?'
Where?
"Over there. She's wearing that same outfit too. That white tank top, with black leggings and those red and black Air Jordan One's. Man, she is freakin' hot, with her tan skin and glasses."
Forget that B----.
"Dude. U gotta go up there, and if not at least prove to urself, but prove to her, that she messed up. She blew u off dude! U got all these girls here and there, and u have tha coolest lifestyle around, and she acted like u didn't exist. U just gave her a simple compliment on her style, and she dissed u. Diss You!! Come on dude! Show her...SHOW HER!"
'Anybody? Going once...Going Twice...'
OVER HERE!
'Did I just hear somebody?'
YEAH, ME. I WANNA CHALLENGE.
'Well, come on up here.'
"I'm with you dude. Show 'em!"
(Crowd Laughing)
'Haven't I seen you up here before. U're that Galatic or Universe dude aren't you?'
Austino Galaxia is my name.
'I've seen you on those You tube videos of past contests. Not pretty, not pretty. Are you ready?'
As I'll ever will be.
'Ok. You got 30 seconds to give us ur best. As gratitude, we'll let you pick out tha song that you want to freestyle to. My guy, DJ Last Minute has more songs than Pandora, so just tell him what u want, and we'll get this thing started. What do u want him to bump.'
Ah...Eminem..."8 Mile Road".
'DJ Last Minute just gave me a head nod. Any particular reason u picked this song?'
Story of my life.
Alright, here's Austino Galtico or whatever. It's ur show brotha...Drop that beat Last Minute!
When are they gonna learn/How my soul burns/One day they ain't gonna stop me/ Not even Howard Stern...U may wonder when/ Is being real a sin?/I talk about winning so often/ I Charlie Sheen these fools to a Shula Dolphin...One day they will know/ My laugh will show/ Who's gonna be laughing then/ When my diary becomes a show....Tupac and Biggie/ Jada and Willie/ I'm so hot right now / Even Carlton's sweater on me don't look silly...
'15 seconds.'
Like 'Bron in 2011/ I'm gonna be touching Heaven/ One ring ain't enough/ I'm gonna one up MJ and get seven....
'10 seconds.'
Pamela left Tommy for me/ K Fed got jealous cuz he saw me and Britney/ Kelly Brook flew in just for me/ To chill in Brickell's Viceroy and Club 50...
'5 seconds.'
One day all we see/ Hope by then u won't miss me/ Catch tha show while it's here/ This is tha best there will ever be.
'Time!! Boy! I tell ya, I haven't heard anything like that since that pool party up at tha Gastineau's. What do ya think?!! Huh?? Let me hear you??!!'
(Loud Cheering)
'My friend. I think u've upseated tha champ. And as a reward, I have representatives from Uno Recording Company, and they are signing you to a 3 album record deal. What do you have 2 say to that?!!'
I guess, good things come to those who wait...
'And...'
And to my best friend who's in tha crowd with us today, he helped me to get on this stage tonight. I take him wherever I go, cuz I need him more than ever right now. I love him.
'What's his name?'
Fuel. When u have a best friend like that...It's no telling how high u can go, or what u can even rap...
...Or even write.
A.G.
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