"What?!! I don't needs no's help with zhis...I'm...zhe best."
'...your new partner is Ms. Julia Angelica Gutierrez...'
"...like zhe model?...zhe's likes...a diamond...so beautiful..."
'Ms. Gutierrez, how are you?'
"...there are some things that I know's been going on, that nobody else knows anything about."
'Oh...that's why I hired you...'
"....Miami...here we come."
And now today's installment of The New Adventures of Austino Galaxia. Enjoy!
Yammi, where are you? Geez...I've been out here in this Miami heat like..forever. Let me try to call to call him again...
(Chello, you's have reached zha voicemail of's me...Yammi. Zhe best..)
Straight voicemail...are you kidding me right now? Freakin' A...I evidently have to catch a taxi to South Beach...Hey...Excuse Me!...Excuse Me!
"Yes, Ma'am can I help you?"
Yes, I have to catch a...wait a minute let me catch my...my breath...a cab...to South Beach.
"Well, ma'am, I'm kind of taken right now, so I'm...
Listen, it's late at night, and all the cabbies are taken, I need your help.
"Whatever, I can't turn a woman down who's in need...plus haven't I seen you somewhere?"
Maybe.
"Where to?"
Just take me South Beach like on Ocean Drive.
(Screeeechhh!)
"So what brings you to our neck of the woods, Madam?"
Business.
"You know...I'm all out of context here, but u look like one of those high-maintanence type of girls?"
Excuse Me.
"You know...Model type...Rich Girl...You shouldn't be travelling alone, you should be like partying with Austino Galaxia! You know about him?"
I think I've heard of the name.
"Yeah...that's my guy right there. I pick him up all the time right outside the Walgreens on 5th and Jefferson. We talk about everything from life, Miami, women...he's a talkative dude. You look like his type of girl."
Well...thanks. I guess.
(I..I Love you like a love song...Ba-By...I...I Love You like a love song Ba-by...and I keep hitting...repe..)
Hello.
"Is zhis...Ms. Julia...Me Angelica...Gutierrez?"
This must be Yammi...where were you. I was waiting at the airport hours on end for you..what have you been doing, and it better be good.
"Me sorry...for zhis...miss miss...but I've been on...ah, busy where are you? I must tell."
The taxi that you're gonna repay me for is about to drop me off on Ocean Drive.
"Purrfect...my beauty...our hotel is right there on zhe sands...go to 143 Ocean...ands...I'll be there's in a few...ah...sec-conds.."
(Five Minutes Later)
"Julia."
Yammi.
"I've seen so much of your bod...I mean I've seen you's...ah...before."
Why did you stand me up at the airport.
"Ok...let's talk as we go up to my room..."
Say what? I don't even know you and I don't..
"No, No...just to talk about zhis day...alright. So I was staking out...ah...Sir Galaxia's place. And I saw him..."
And.
"And...as I saw him. I noticed that he got locked out of his...how do you say in Span-ish...apartdemeidos..."
Apartamendo. But continue...
"So he was outside, walking around zhe building...til he finally after some time knock kneed on zhe windows of zome neighbors....we're finally here...(Click.)...zome neigh-bors and zhey let him back inside. Zhen he was immediately in and out like zhe burger joint and began to walk...you can puts ur luggage over's zhere."
Whatever. Tell me what have you gathered already about our subject, Mr. Galaxia?
"U's are ah...straight to zhe point. No champagne first? I know how's to treat zhe ladies. (Wink!)
So I've heard...
"Ah...Julia...I knows a lot. For instance...today somebody gave him a..ah..tip in his workout habit. Zhis gentlemen, like a Yoda...interrupted him in his workout and wanted to show him this exercise with two balls...I have's to giggle when I say that...and doing pushups to help his abs."
How nice...I know all about his abs...and other body parts.
"Ok. What else? He loves...ah...breakfast and loves to eat it for dinner...Ah...today he was ah...watching zhe movie Valentine's Day...Ah.."
No suprise there...he's a romantic at heart.
"Here's some stuff you's didn't knows about hims...he's a semi-recovering germaphobe."
I already know that...you should seen him at the Halloween concert in Holland. One of his favorite bands Jamiroquai was playing, and he came dressed at Mickey Mouse. Every one thought it was the cutest thing, but ....Yammi, do you have a bathroom.
"Sure...over's to...zhe right."
(Click..Click...Click...Click...)
SO YEAH YAMMI...ALL THESE GIRLS THOUGHT HE WAS SOOOOO CUTE...BUT....(Sisssss....Sisssss) HE WAS JUST WEARING THE WHITE GLOVES JUST SO HE DIDN'T HAVE TO TOUCH ANYTHING OR ANYBODY.
"SO WAS HE COOL TO HANG OUT WITH?"
HUH?? CAN YOU REPEAT THAT?
"IS HE COOL? TO HANGS YOU KNOW?"
WELL....(Flush.)...HE LOVES TO HAVE FUN AS EVERYBODY KNOWS...(Squeak, Squeak....Drip...Drip) HE'S A CHARACTER...BUT...Oh, I feel better...but he's a silly guy.
"Since u know so much let me have a little word play to see's...ah, how much you's a know."
Fine.
"Ah..favorite number."
He has two. The number 21. And any given by a girl.
"I likes...he's just like me with zhe ladies...ah...his dream car?"
Well, in many ways he's driving it now. He always wants his ride to be sort of luxurious, beachy and like a sport car. As for his next pickup, he like the Ferrari 458 Italia in the color Purple, his favorite color. He had a picture of it in one of his diary posts. Had you been doing your homework, you would have caught that!
"Oh...I loves zhat car. .let me see...music or la film?"
He loves music. He has some stuff you wouldn't believe. Everything from Real McCoy to The Cranberries to Luther Vandross to Boney James to Curio to No Doubt...Music loves him. And he loves music.
"Favorite board game?"
Now this is a tough one. His family owns like a mafia gang full of them. Monopoly...Connect Four...Operation...Sorry...Double Trouble...too many to name.
"No Clue?"
What do you mean I have a clue. And so does he...
"No, No beauty...the board game."
Oh...ah...no.
"What else can you's a reveal about our sub-ject?"
He's said and written so much...he still sleeps with a teddy bear, his super hero friend Hong Kong Phooey...he prefers to call than text, because he thinks it's more personal, and loves my...or a person's voice or laugh...He's never ate a Cuban Sandwich...a lot you should already know...Loves to dance all the time..He's a hidden party animal, really, which I love, even though he really doesn't drink...Oh, and he eats oatmeal everyday, I mean every day...
"I ah...hates oatmeal. It makes a me...burp."
It's a staple...when we went out together he always made sure to show me new things and new places that's important to him...U know, he once told me some wild stories involving his love life. That story he told me about that woman named Desire was interesting...He has some stories, as do I. I guess all sexy people do.
"Zhat was kind of ah...conceited...by your jeans and ah...boots out-fit...ah...true...but conceited. So how do you think we can get too him?"
Well, leave that to me...just follow my lead...
"Hey...I heard zhat you gots some...ah..pic-tures? Iz zhat true?"
I did bring some stuff, that will help lead us to how to really follow him...secretly at least...I have some...pass me my Louis V bag...pretty please.
"Are zhese good or are zhey just...ah...what-ever?"
Yammi, these are very personal...nobody else has them but me. Promise you! By the way, Yammi...I think I'll take some Champagne after all...and I want it like I like my men...which is rich, down with tha swirl, and with no ice.
"Of course...my sweetheart...of course...whatever you like...now, about zhese pictures..."
A.G.
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