Hi, and Stacia Arroyo and coming up later tonight on FUN3 News...
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Last seen on The New Adventures of Austino Galaxia...
'She's really pretty. Like, really attractive....black hair, brown eyes, Jersey Shore tan, cute face, swagged out style...a Galaxia type of girl.'
"Ah...Boss...I don't knows about...her."
'I send you to Miami Beach, the glitz, the glamour, and the fun, and the best you can come up with is this Galaxia guy almost running outta gas?...GIVE ME SOMETHING YAMMI!!'
"Ok Boss, I'll give you something...She's an option, but not the only one..."
'What can you tell me about her?'
"...I'll give you two words...Manu Ginobili."
And now, today's episode...Enjoy!
I'm spending all this money for this Yammi guy, he has full use of my personalized Aston Martin, I'm placing his big head in one of the finest hotels in South Beach, heck I'm even paying for that $15 daily parking, which is atrocious. I'm letting him spend money on work, and instead he's parlaying all his time on these video vixans, bottles of Bacardi, and to top it all off, I have absolutely nothing on this Galaxia kid. What is freakin' up with this freakin' picture? You know what I know u gotta dance with who brought you to the party, but I think it's time to find another partner. I've waltzed too much, now it's time to do tha Soulja Boy. Let me give this guy a call...
(Ring...Ring....)
Ah, come on! Pick up tha phone...
(Ring...Ring...Ring...)
Are u kidding me, right now?
(Ring...Rin....Chello, you's have reached zha voicemail of's me...Yammi. Zhe best ah...de-tect-ive ands lovers...in zhe worlds...If you's a guy, please ah...calls back. If you's a woman...give me yours sexiest voice with ah...description of what you's a wearing...and I calls you ba....)
(Click.)
I don't time to hear all that mumbo jumbo on tha phone. Let me send him a text. It's 4pm in Miami and he's still sleep? Is all those people do down there is party, buy beach penthouses they don't actually live in and argue about who's sexier Lenny Kravitz or Cinna from The Hunger Games? I'm gonna be direct in this text:
'yammi, it's ur boss. i'm cinding some1 dwn 2 south beach 2 help u out. u need it. i need it. the marlins need it. eye need info on Galaxtica and i'm sending it asap. boss out.'
Alright, I guess I need to find someone I know who can get right down to tha point and who knows something about this guy, and...(Finger snap!) I got it. Let me see, didn't Galaxia use to date...I gotta go to the files...
Ok. What was the name of that girl that he used to date, that called so much of a ruckus. I have a whole file cabinet to this very subject. Let me see, which one was it...there's a lot of folders in this thang...Elaine Bennes...no..Babs Bunny...no,although I heard they really made a fun couple...Lara Croft...Who's been in this file, everything's all out of order, this isn't how I do things?...Gina Waters...Whitley Gilbert...Leticia Ortiz....C.C. Babcock from The Nanny, I don't rememb...Oh...yes!! They did make an interesting couple...Oh, the usual...Nikki, Linda, Cindy, Naomi...Wow! I forgot he did used to go out with Idalis from those old MTV VJ days, personally I think they should have stayed together she was hot... but... these kids nowadays...I don't know. (Shaking my head)
When I was "in tha game"...I was IN THA GAME. Whether rain or shine, sickness or health, whether New Kids on The Block broke up or stay together, me and my broad were in it to win it. Now these kids don't wanna do that. I see it in their eyes, I was at this high profile event and party thrown for the exclusive credit card holders of Sav-A-Lot foods, and I saw this guy and girl holding hands and glazing into each others eyes. I just walked up to him and flat out told him..."U better take care of ur lady, cuz as soon as Mickey D's introduces adds the grill chicken sandwich to their dollar menu, it's curtains for you, pally!"... But it's a tri...There she is. THERE SHE..... Oh yeah! (Rubbing hands together)... Boy, how did Galaxia let her go.
Julia Angelica Gutierrez.
Look at this file...a former backup dancer for Michael Jackson, Usher, Justin Timberlake, and Fall Out Boy...a model since the age of 1 month...Geez, is that even possible?...A former Oakland Raider cheerleader...a actress...a singer...a substitute teacher...discovered the cure for the summer cold...Won Top Chef: Rio for her dish of Chicken wings, Black beans and rice, and Organic meatballs...What doesn't she do? She's like a freakin' Mother Teresa mixed with Princess Diana with a dab of Martha Stewart...look at these articles on these two lovebirds.
"Galaxia and His Angel at Movie Premiere."
"Julia's new beau who likes it better in tha kitchen."
"Dream couple out of tha stars"
I have to contact her. Let me see, I have everybody's number, everywhere. I remember when I was trying to track down the whereabouts of Sabrina, The Teenage Witch...I was calling all over... Transylvania, the moon, every cat shelter from Hollywood to Paris, Kentucky, it was crazy. Here it is. I hate these international calls, just so many numbers....
+1-4-3...wait...let me try again...+0-1-1...5-5...1-4-3...9-1-1...3-3-3...7-3-9-9...Huh, that's sexy! Alright it's ringing...why do the rings on international calls sound like the phone is under a ocean?...
'Hola!'
"Hola!...me numbre is The Boss...Hel-llo! May I a speako to a las Senorita Gutierrez."
'U don't speak Spanish do you?...I speak English, so just tell me who you are and what you want?'
"Great, I tried. My name is The Boss, and..."
'Is this Bruce? I thought u'll never call me after that wild and crazy night on E Street.'
"No, this is not The Boss as in Bruce Springsteen, but I'm Tha Boss."
'Ohhh..........so Rick after you took me for a ride in your Maybach down in Miami, u just forgot all about me, why didn't you call me ba...'
"No, Ms. Gutierrez, I'm not that boss, either. I think you're referring to Rick Ross. I only drive in Aston's and I would never not call you back."
'Ohhh....then let's talk.'
"Once again, my name is The Boss. I work in tha...let's just say I find out...things. About people. Which led me to call you."
'Ok, Oye, but why did you call me, and what do you want...wait. This hasn't something to do with Mr. Galaxia doesn't it?'
"Yes it does. How did you know?"
'Well, as of late. Everybody wants to know about that guy. People ask me all the time, "How was it to date him?" all these questions. I knew the minute I told him, "Yes, we can go out. That, he was gonna be the gift and the curse of my life. It lived up to that blueprint."'
"So you like Jay-Z huh?"
'What?"
"Never Mind."
'So what's in it for me if I play.'
"See, I have this psuedo-gumshoe guy Yammi, on tha case in South Beach as we speak. But he hasn't given me too much, just some small talk, but I want to get inside this Galaxia's head, and I know u know almost everything about him."
'Still. What's in it for me?'
"I'll do whatever you want."
'Whatever...hummm...we'll talk about the details later. I haven't spoken about our relationship, so whatever, I talk now. What do you wanna know?'
"Ok...I wasn't expecting that to go so well. So...let me see...I guess you can tell me about how you and Galaxia met and then go from there."
'Sure. I got called down to Miami to do this cover shoot for Nylon Magazine. While down there I decided to go to this party they were having at some make shift warehouse at...what do they call it...the Design District. He happened to be there. I had all these guys coming up to me all night, so I really had my guard up, cuz Miami guys are so fake. I mean, they show off all their rides and homes, walk around with no shirt on when it's like 50 degrees outside, they even get there hands and nails all done, just not how I was taught when I was growing up on the beaches of Brazil.'
"I think Galaxia is known to get his nails done as well."
'Yeah,..I know which makes how we ended up together even more interesting. I remember it like it was yesterday, I was with some of my other model friends, when he just walked up to...me...'
"Uh-Huh."
'He had on these distressed jeans with a holes in them, a white v-neck t-shirt, some goofy nerdy black glasses...and..'
"Yeah, that sounds like him."
'And a grey scarf wrapped around his neck, that I later found out he got from his mom....He broke the ice, and said to me..."I just wanted to let you know that even though you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Your shoes don't match your dress. And that got my rice a boiling. Cuz my mother gave me those shoes, as well, and wear them with anything, no matter what I'm wearing...Aye Yai Yai!...they my favorite. So as he walked away, I got up, from the VIP couches and yelled back at him, "You should be one to talk with those run down Jordan's you have on. He turned around and told me he wore those shoes, I think they are the first Jordan One's with patented leather...anyway, he wore those because they remind him of classic times and have a special place in his heart. I guess, we got to talking, he introduced himself, as Austino. I told him my name was Julia. And we hit it off from there.'
"Did you enjoy dating him?"
'It was fun. No pun intended...he liked to do a lot of different things, constantly. We would read books to each other, sometimes while one of us were driving...We would go to various restaurants and hidden gem type spots...we would..'
"Don't mean to interrupt, but so much is made of Galaxia's diet and workouts, what does he eat?"
'So u really wanna know. He's gonna kill me for telling you but...he likes to try new things, but he's also very strict. For instance, I be sleeping in the bed, and hear the toaster come up, and I knew it was Eggo Blueberry Nutri-grain, with some sliced almonds on top. He loves pasta, exclusively whole wheat with this Sweet Relish that has No Sugar Added. I once bought the wrong kind, and he almost had a fit. Ah...what else? He's specific to what trail mix he buys cuz of his sensitive skin to pimples...'
'Yeah, it's serious. He really doesn't eat too much fast food. He loves Egg Whites, especially on sandwiches like Subway...He's grown to love spinach...he'll only use particular syrups for his waffles...he despises fried foods, or...certain cakes and cookies. I actually talked to him the other day, a little after his birthday on the 30th....'
"Really."
'And he said that he had a small piece of cake, and it almost made him throw up, cuz he hasn't had that in so long of a time.'
"Wow. So he wants his cake, but is not worrying about eating it....weird."
'Yeah, that's what makes him who he is...And I'm the same way. During my modeling days...well, I'm still modeling, but I had to watch what I ate and use those hidden energy foods to get me through the day. I'm an almond freak, so we had to fight over those...but the make ups were something I'll never forget, either.'
"A lucky man."
'U're dag gone right lucky, cuz some of tha things I can do...'
"Julia, u're too much. Now you lived out of the country so how did that all work out."
'It was tough. We skype a lot...austino2121...I'll never forget that id name...but we'll talk on there whether I was doing something here in South America or in Italy or in other parts of the States. We made sure to talk, because we both believe that communication is the basis for a good relationship, no matter what.'
"So true. What else, you are such a gem of information, what else can you speak upon?"
'Let's see...he showers at night instead of the morning...he collects nothing but autobiographies...He loves to go to vintage stores or places where he can just look for old books or music items, that's his safe haven from the spotlight. Sports is still a major part of his life. He always told me that one day he was gonna live in Miami, which he is, and also have a home in Los Angeles, which I think he's working on as we speak. Cartoon lover, loves to sleep with the AC on no matter what the temperature...Talks about God or The Big Whatever he chooses to say on that day in The Sky...he's a big romantic at heart. I know a lot of people see that. Guys and girls, which can be interesting when u have both sexes making a move on your man, but...he's more than the hype...One thing people don't know is that he's waaay more open than what people think. He loves to conversate with anybody, strangers included. He's conceited when he needs to be, if that makes since..'
"Why did you guys break up?"
'I rather not get into that cuz it still...or I still haven't gotten ov...'
"It was a lot."
'Sometimes u meet somebody that you know, but u don't know. So since you don't know, u try other options, and sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Both of us have, I guess opportunities to do other things or other people, and sometimes it's just difficult...but, wait...Boss, I gotta go right now, call me back in a few minutes, the food is burning up out on the deck, and I forgot about it'
"Sorry about that Ms. Gutierrez."
'Um...I'm gonna call you right back and we can talk about how you want me to help you out, and I have some pictures as well.'
"No way."
'Yes, way. I'll call you back."
(Click.)
What a woman, she knows everything about this Galaxia guy. His habits, his tendacies...I think I've just found Yammi's new partner. But how can I convince her to really go hard and take tha gig. I'll have to come up with something...and better yet. She has pictures...I hope they are like this one I'm holding in my hand. Look at these two...This is just too good...and seemingly it's just getting better...and better...by...tha...moment.
Julia...you are beautiful and more importantly you're the ace up my sleeve!
(Muah! With a kiss on Ms. Gutierrez's photo)
A.G.
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