Assignment: Yammi Zhe Inspec-tour.

This was a favorite old school cartoon of mine!

On the previous episode of The New Adventures of Austino Galaxia....

...that's Austino.

'Put him's on zhe phone of zhe spea-ker.'

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?"

Cuando amor no es locura, no es amor.

"...IF IT WAS SO SICK, THEN WHY DID WE BREAK UP?"

I don't know...you keep calling me.  I think I just need some time to think about me...

'You's...ah...still loves a him don'ts you?'

I don't know, Yammi...

'...Do you still want to do zhis?'

And now...the latest and much anticipated newest episode...Enjoy:


"Ah...what's are we's a going to do's now?  Julia's not's in zhe right frame of mind to do this Boss."

'Yammi.... has she told you, "no"? If she hasn't give her some time, these girls get all caught up and lovey dovey with these type of guys, and next thing you know they wake up to their senses.  Give her a minute, and then we'll go from there, alright.'

"I's ah...know Boss, but zhere's just so much goings on down here in zhe Miami Beach, and just following zhis Austino Galaxia guy is a tough."

'That's why I have both of you down there to find out more about him.  What else have you all come up with?'

"Boss...it's been tough.  Last night, Julia and myself got a tip that he was supposed to be at this place called Super Wheels.  And..."

'What the heck is a Super Wheels?  Was he buying a new car...if so, I hope he got that new Aston Martin, it purrs like a pussycat.'

"Ah...no, Boss!  It is a...roller skating place."

'This better be good.  So what happened when he showed up?'

"Well...Boss, zhat's zhe problem...he didn't.  Something happened, and he never showed.  But Julia and myself had a great time.  We skated and danced to...ah...zhe Bee Gees!  I...ah...felt like a...John Trovolta on skates.  We had a ball!"

'I'm not pay you guys to go down there and have a ball...I'm dishing out these Ching-a-lings so that you can do your job and get some information on our subject.  Got it!?!'

"Yes...Boss."

'I've been doing some reading of this Galaxia fellow's diary, and he does remind me of that Alfie character.  But from what I'm hearing on my end, I hear that something's been on his mind.  That he hasn't been his usual self.  What do you guys know, down there?'

"We knows zhere has been stuff going on in his life...and not just involving Julia, although she can take your mind off of some of zhe...ah... intricacies of life.  (Cough, Cough)  I know's he's thinking about his finances and is more than likely gonna open up a new bank account in zhe next few days..."

'Big money, Yammi?'

"Just a little bit for zhe fun he has down here...Could be To-tal Bank...or ah's...Charley Schwab...He's been interested in zhe international market, and he's always been intrigued by zhe Chinese bank of...ah...H...S...B-See...we still don't know, but we'll find out's for-you...Boss."

'Good...very good.'

"A..neighbor at his home has also given us some...ah...infor-ma-shone....concerning Monsieur Galaxia....He's been hearing a lot of noise from his place."

'Headboard knocking?'

"No...or I'm not sure...maybe...but a lot of activity for sure.  I got a holds of his ah...Dish satellite bill...and he's been watching some movies the last few days...alone or with someone...not sure."

'What was he watching...or should I even ask?'

"Zhese movies like Ar-thur with Russell Brand...which if I recall during zhe movie, Russell and his nanny had zhis part where she was wearing zhis Dark...ah...Vador mask on in bed.  Which is mighty interesting, Boss...cuz...I heard Galaxia talk to Julia during there last chat, and he mentioned two years ago, on lover's holiday, how he wore a Dark Vador mask as well!  Amazing, Boss!  It's somezhing about Star Trek, huh?!!"

'Yammi...you do mean Star Wars don't you?'

"Exactly Boss...zhe one where zhey had Dr. Spock and zhe Captain, Boss!"

'Oh, Boy...what am I gonna do....what else?'

"And the neighbor distinctively heard zhe movie ah...Friends with Benefits, with zhat cute girl from Zhat 70's show...and..."

'Oh, I love those old days of TV...Which 70's show, Yammi?'

"Zhat 70's Show."

'I know, that's why I'm asking you, which one?!!'

"No...no...I'ms a talking 'bout Zhat 70's Show?"

"I KNOW!!!  WHICH ONE...never mind."

'Me don'ts understand...whatever...but it had zhat Justin Timber-river guy in it.'

"Did he dance in it?  Like did he do The Charleston?  I used to do that one!"

'Ah...no!! A clap here or there...mostly zhe dancing was in zhe covers, how I like it too! but..ah...he's alright, and he may have brought sexy back, got girls over him...I heard he's stoned out on love now so once zhese guys begin to get ah...hooked on those drugs...it's over.  I remember zhis famous singer, Preston Le Floor.'

"Who??!"

'Ah...Boss.  You's don't know Preston Le Floor?  He's only zhe most famous Canadian singer of my generation.  He once put on a show before zhe Edminton Oilers hockey game...back when The Great One was still on skates...Let's just say ah...he broke zhe ice zhat night, and what I hear, at zhe after party following zhe game... zhe creme de la creme met up at his hotel, and he ah...gave a whole 'nother definition of ...zhe hat trick!  If you know what I a means Boss!  He's a legend!'

"Is this groupie love all you think about, Yammi? I mean, really does it consume you?"

'Ah...'

"No need for an answer...I'm pressed for time.  Anything else, you got Yammi?"

'Well...some zhings Boss...I know's he studying zhis book on zhe Rolling Stones...it's a history of zhe group, but in cartoons.  I read zhat book myself, and actually had it, until zhat Jennifer came a over's...Boss, she took it, I know it!  After I fed her some good porridge...'

"Calm down, Yammi..."

'And I's ah...cooked Boss...Carrot Stew with beans, rice, and slices of Bananas...'

"Calm down, Yammi..."

'And after I showed her my private collection of...'

"Good-Bye, Yammi."

(Click.)

'...Collection of...Chello?...Boss?  I was just gonna tell him about my collection of Hotel Matchbooks.  Oh's well...let me see...I should check on Julia, shouldn't I?  I must admit, she is a looker...why did ah...she and zhis Galaxia fellow break up?...She says it's because of zhis di-a-ree, but...I's a figure, zhere's something else....'

(Boom, Boom, Boom)

'Who is zhis knocking excessively at my...'

(Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!)

'I'M COMING...I'M COMING...(Door Opens)...Oh, it's you again...zhe concierge.  (Hand fling in zhe air)  What do you want zhis time?'

"Well, it's great to see you again to sir?  (Sarcastically Spoken)  If I recall, the last time you and me met, we had a little altercation of sorts."

'You had an attitude and were in a-rush... and you's had to go and watch ah...Jay Low on, some Nuestra Latina show or ah...zome-thing...'

"Ah...you remember!  Ain't it funny...I couldn't miss that bro...tonight, Sofia Vergara is gonna be making a guest apperance, so I have no time to be shucking and jiving with ya!  Here, take this..."

'What is zhis?'

"Like, I know...dude, like I said, I got to go, I ain't got no DVR, and everybody know that Univision is funky fuzzy without cable.  It's my turn to foil up and  then set the antenna to the East so me and tha fam can get our laugh on...so why don't you just sign this paper, and have a good one...Chef!"

'Chef?...I'm not a che..'

"JUST SIGN!!!"

(Scribble...Dot!)

"Thank you...these guys...they come to Miami, and just because they ride in an Aston they think..."

(Door Closes)

'This is odd...and envelope...with no writing on the outside...I wonder who zhis could be from...an enemy?...from ah...Boss?...I hope it's not from zhat girl I met two nights ago at ah...Cameo...Me don't wants no Maury..."You ARE zhe fa-ther"...No...Please, No...Not's...ah... now...I wonder zhen...just wonder...who???'

A.G.

Assignment: Galaxia and The X

Last seen on The New Adventures of Austino Galaxia...Click Here.

Now tonight's episode...Enjoy!

So pass me my purse, Yammi...Alright.  I got these photos inside this portfolio here, and...

(Don't talk...Baby just move with me...Take a...)

'Ah...Ms. Juliee-a...your's phone is a...ringing...'

(Don't talk...Baby just move with me...Take a ...)

I know...that's Austino.

'What?  Galaxia?  Well's aren't you's ah...gonna picks up zhe phone?'

(Don't talk...Baby just...)

Alright.  Hello.

'Put him's on zhe phone of zhe spea-ker' (Whisper)

Hello.

"JULIA...WHAT'S GOING ON HOMEGIRL?"

I'm doing alright.  Just relaxing here in by the beachside in Brazil...I miss you babe.

"YEAH, I MISS YOU TOO."

So, what have you been up too?

"WELL, IT'S BEEN A LITTLE BUSY SINCE WE'VE TALKED THE OTHER DAY.  IT WAS THANKSGIVING WEEKEND OVER HERE IN THE STATES SO..."

Did you eat a lot of turkey?

"YOU KNOW I EAT IT ALL YEAR, SO ONE DAY OF DABBLING WASN'T A BIG THING...YOU KNOW I JUST THOUGHT OF MY NEW NICKNAME."

What is it?

"I'M GONNA CALL MYSELF MR. GOBBLE GOBBLE!"

(Giggle...)

'What's ah...Gobble...Gobble?' (Whisper)

"WHAT DO YOU THINK, DOES IT FIT?"

Well, I have seen you do some wild things...

"LIKE ST. VALENTINE'S DAY TWO YEARS AGO...HUH...YOU REMEMBER DON'T YOU...WITH THA STRAWBERRIES..."

Yeah...

"AND THA CHOCOLATE HANDCUFFS..."

Yeah, Babe....

"AND YOU WERE DRESSED LIKE TINKERBELL, AND I WAS SWAGGED OUT WITH A DARK VADER MASK ON TOP  WITH JUST SUSPENDERS AND YOU TOLD ME TO MOVE MY..."

I remember.....Stooop.....U so silly.  So what else has been up, babe?

"BEEN JUST CHILLIN...THINGS ARE STARTING TO PICK UP SOME."

Really huh? How's things with those girls you told me about?  U going to the alter any time soon...

"SEE, JULIA THERE YOU GO....AH...I'M NOT MESSING WITH ANY OF THOSE GIRLS...JUST ENJOYING THA SINGLE LIFE..."

So typical?

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?"

You don't want me to go there, do you?

"ACTUALLY, I DO...YOU SOUND LIKE SOMETHING'S ON YOUR MIND, SO LET'S TALK..."

Ok...I'm so tired of you guys, asking us beautiful women out...all wining and dining us beautiful women...talking to us like you're gonna treat us right, and then u don't make an effort...especially you...to really work to make something work.  I know you see a lot of girls, and  they are all around you 24/7, but you take us for granted and think that we are just a piece of leftover meat...we are more than sex ok.

"WOW!  NUMBER ONE, IF I RECALL CORRECTLY I JUST TOLD YOU ABOUT A FEW GIRLS THAT CAUGHT OUR ATTENTION.  NOTHING EVER CAME OF IT.  ONE, I HAVEN'T SEEN AGAIN...ANOTHER, JUST DIDN'T WORK OUT, AND I'M GLAD OF IT, CUZ NOW I SEE WHAT I REALLY WANT...AS FOR YOU THINKING I'M JUST A SEX MACHINE...SEX IS NOT ALL I THINK ABOUT...SEX IS ALL I THINK ABOUT YOU."

U don't mean that...cuz if you did, why are you calling me right now.

(Silence)

So what have you learned Dr. Love?

"WELL, I'VE LEARNED A LOT...LIFE IS WILD!  YOU JUST NEVER KNOW...I'M LETTING EVERYTHING COME TO US, WHICH IT IS...I THINK ONCE YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MANY THINGS AND EPISODES GALORE, YOU LEARN WHAT YOU CAN HANDLE, WHAT YOU CAN'T, HOW MUCH THE FUN DECIMAL LEVEL HAS TO BE ON OUR RADAR FOR ME TO REALLY CLICK WITH SOMEBODY...YOU TAUGHT ME A LOT JULIA...JUST HOW TO TREAT A REALLY SPECIAL LADY.  AND SOMEONE WHO CAN EXPAND MY MIND AND BODY IN SO MANY WAYS, AND HOW TO LEARN HOW TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO'S ATTRACTIVE AND WHO'S WANTED BY SO MANY OTHERS.  A LOT OF LESSONS BOUT LOVE HAS BEEN SHOWN TO US."

Thank you...I guess.

"AND WHAT DID YOU LEARN FROM DATING ME?"

Nada.

"Nothing?"

Cuando amor no es locura, no es amor.

"You just gotta go and speak Spanish don't you?  Now, what does that mean?  Did you just cuss me out?"

No...silly.  (Huge Blow)  I just said that, 'Love without madness, is not love.'  That's what I learned when I was with you.  We had so much fun together, going to concerts, all types...seeing you get happy watching a ball game especially when the Heat or Lakers were playing...Us watching new episodes of Shahs of Sunset on Bravo...Or us shopping til we drop....so much.  But I recall those tough times, like that one day we returned from a trip only for you to have one of the worse days of your life...We went through so much...

"OK.  JULIA...LET ME ASK YOU STRAIGHT UP...IF WE WERE ALL THIS AND A BAG OF CHEETOS.."

I hate Cheetos...yuk!!

"JUST LISTEN GIRL...IF WE WERE ALL THAT.  IF OUR RHYTHM TOGETHER, WHEREVER WE WENT...IN THE STREETS...AT PARTIES...ON TOP OF WASHER AND DRYERS...IF IT WAS SO SICK, THEN WHY DID WE BREAK UP?"

You really want the answer?

"YEAH, I DO.  CUZ YOU REALLY DIDN'T TELL ME, YOU JUST UP AND LEFT AFTER A NIGHT AFTER GETTING SOME CREPES...YOU JUST HOPPED ON A PLANE AND LEFT ME, GIRL."

Since, you wanna know, I'll tell you...It was your diary.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY DIARY?"

When you first started I thought it was so cute for you to share you stories with the rest of the world...or Galaxy.  But after awhile I...I...

"GIRL, WHEN I FIRST YOU, I TOLD YOU NOT TO HOLD ANYTHING BACK FROM ME, SO SPILL OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY..."

I just got tired of...Oh...Austino...I loved you so much, but I just got tired of all the stories about other girls from your past...It just...(Sniff...Sniff)...It was too much.

"BUT I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY PAST..."

You did...sort of.  Just to read about...(Sniff, Sniff)...it's like you had a secret life, I didn't know about.  And then to have soooo many people, and my girlfriends ask me about this girl or that one...it was just too much.

(Sniff)

"YOU KNEW HOW IT WAS THOUGH.  AND LIKE I SAID, THAT WAS THE PAST. U HAVE YOURS...I HAVE MINE.  I MOVED ON..."

But why did you have to...(Sniff)... continue to pull out stories like rabbit out of a hat?

"MORE LIKE BUNNIES ACTUALLY BUT...GOD BRINGS THINGS AND PEOPLE INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON, I HAVE HAD MY SHARE OF HEARTBREAK'S AND 808'S AND IT WASN'T LIKE I ASKED FOR THEM.  I DIDN'T ASK TO HAVE MY EYE ON A GIRL WHO WAS A STRIPPER, OR TO FALL AND KATY PERRY KISS A GIRL WHO WAS SEXY AS CAN BE...YET GAY.  I DIDN'T ASK FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE BESTOWED UPON ME.  I'VE GOT A CRAZY LIFESTYLE, GIRL.  DOES THAT MAKE ME LESS OF A MAN?  NO.  HECK, I ACTUALLY THINK IT MAKES ME MORE OF A ONE."

Well, I just don't like sharing you with so many other people.  That stuff, I could not handle....people getting to know so much personal things about you like your obsession with underwear or how you love cartoons or  sharing your dreams you have at night or how you want to have your own quote unquote 'era'...that's stuff you need to keep between you and your girlfriend.  Not the rest of the world or whatever.

"IF YOU LOVE ME, YOU HAVE TO LOVE ALL OF ME...PART OF ME IS SHARING THE FUN AND EXPERIENCES AND SOMETIMES PAIN, JUST TO HELP SOMEBODY ELSE, HOMEGIRL. I'M NOT GONNA BE WRITING FOREVER, SO....I MEAN, IF YOU WOULD HAVE TOLD ME, I WOULD HAVE STOPPED.  I THOUGHT ABOUT IT ALOT. JUST RETIRING..."

Like that one girl?

"I'M NOT EVEN GOING INTO THAT...LISTEN I GOT TO GO...ARE WE COOL?"

I don't know...you keep calling me.  I think I just need some time to think about me...get some me time, u know.

'Ah...choo!'

"ARE YOU WITH SOMEBODY RIGHT NOW?  U BETTER NOT HAVE HAD ME ON SPEAKERPH...PLEASE SAY YOU DIDN'T HAVE ME ON SPEAKER.  U KNOW I CAN'T STAND THAT CUZ THAT MAKES THE CONVO NOTHING BUT A GAME TO SHOW OUT IN FRONT OF YOU FRIENDS AND ALL..."

Babe...it's just you and me.  That was the TV.

"A'IGHT...WHEN YOU COMING BACK OVER TO THE STATES?"

Soon.  I'll be over very soon.

"WHEN YOU DO WE GOTTA MEET UP.  HERE IN MIAMI, OR LA OR WHEREVER.  WOULD LUV TO SEE YA, GIRL."

I know....I know.

"TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, AND TELL UR PEEPS 'HI' AND TELL YOUR BROTHER TO KEEP PRACTICING HIS SOCCER SKILLS.  HE'S GONNA BE THA NEXT CHRISTIANO RONALDO."

I will.

"TALK TO YOU LATER.  TWO FINGER KISS ON YOUR LIPS."

Two finger kiss on your lips, too.

"BYE."

Bye.

(Click.)

Yammi, why did you have to sneeze?  He heard you!!

'Ah...I was ah...eating zhis Cubano Sandwich from ah...La Carreta...and zhey puts too much...pep-per on its.'

(Sniff...Sniff)

'You's...ah...still loves a him don'ts you?  Do you still want to do zhis?'

I don't know, Yammi.  We just had so much in common.  He's a once in a lifetime type of guy.  Just wants to love and have fun.  And so do I.  You know, I'm not in tha mood to pull out these pictures after all.  I just need some time laying out on the sand to think about life, love ...

'Ah, Austino.'

Yes...him to.  Sorry for crying, but...

'I's...ah...understand.  I once was in loves...maybe more zhan once...we have a saying in Canada when it's a comes to a love.'

What is it?

'Love's is likes zhe mighty Niagra Falls.  You wanna see it.  You wanna live it.  You've heard it's a...beautiful sight.  But once u've experienced it.  It leaves you's...ah...all wet and smelly...and knowing zhat to some it's zhe anticipation...to others it's ah... zhe thrill...while to...some it's zhe feeling of a few minutes of getting wet.'

Yammi, that makes no sense....What is love to you?

'Ah...love's not zhe anticipation...or zhe thrill...or zhe wet part...it's zhe unexpectancy of it zhat makes me ah...happy.'

But Yammi, you're not married, you're single, and living the jetset bachelor life.

'Zhat's it though...although I haven't settled down zhat's an..an-gle.  But zhe unexpectancy of not knowing what a 'Hi' or what a simple question of  'quel est votre signe' is what keeps me ah...going.  Love never has an end.  True love, and zhe thought of it, always brings a new beginning.  Let me walk with you down to tha beach, it's getting late, you still wanna go?'

I need to clear my mind, thanks.  (Beach Towel Tossed)...Oh.  Thanks.  By the way, Yammi, what does, "Quel est votre signe" mean, I speak very little French.

'Oh, it works every times I'm out at a par-ty...it a means in Eng-lish..."What's Your Sign?"'

Yammi...

'Ah, yes...'

Only speak that in French when you're in America.

'Oh...but it works!  And as Austino Galaxia would say..."ZHAT'S MY GO-TO!!"'

A.G.

Assignment: Meeting In Tha Name of Galaxia.

Previously on The New Adventures of Austino Galaxia:

"What?!!  I don't needs no's help with zhis...I'm...zhe best."

 '...your new partner is Ms. Julia Angelica Gutierrez...'

"...like zhe model?...zhe's likes...a diamond...so beautiful..."

'Ms. Gutierrez, how are you?'

"...there are some things that I know's been going on, that nobody else knows anything about."

'Oh...that's why I hired you...'

"....Miami...here we come."

And now today's installment of The New Adventures of Austino Galaxia.  Enjoy!


Yammi, where are you?  Geez...I've been out here in this Miami heat like..forever.  Let me try to call to call him again...

(Chello, you's have reached zha voicemail of's me...Yammi.  Zhe best..)

Straight voicemail...are you kidding me right now?  Freakin' A...I evidently have to catch a taxi to South Beach...Hey...Excuse Me!...Excuse Me!  

"Yes, Ma'am can I help you?"

Yes, I have to catch a...wait a minute let me catch my...my breath...a cab...to South Beach.

"Well, ma'am, I'm kind of taken right now, so I'm...

Listen, it's late at night, and all the cabbies are taken, I need your help.  

"Whatever, I can't turn a woman down who's in need...plus haven't I seen you somewhere?"

Maybe.

"Where to?"

Just take me South Beach like on Ocean Drive.

(Screeeechhh!)

"So what brings you to our neck of the woods, Madam?"

Business.

"You know...I'm all out of context here, but u look like one of those high-maintanence type of girls?"

Excuse Me.

"You know...Model type...Rich Girl...You shouldn't be travelling alone, you should be like partying with Austino Galaxia!  You know about him?"

I think I've heard of the name.

"Yeah...that's my guy right there.  I pick him up all the time right outside the Walgreens on 5th and Jefferson.  We talk about everything from life, Miami, women...he's a talkative dude.  You look like his type of girl."

Well...thanks.  I guess.

(I..I Love you like a love song...Ba-By...I...I Love You like a love song Ba-by...and I keep hitting...repe..)

Hello.

"Is zhis...Ms.  Julia...Me Angelica...Gutierrez?"

This must be Yammi...where were you.  I was waiting at the airport hours on end for you..what have you been doing, and it better be good.

"Me sorry...for zhis...miss miss...but I've been on...ah, busy where are you?  I must tell."

The taxi that you're gonna repay me for is about to drop me off on Ocean Drive.  

"Purrfect...my beauty...our hotel is right there on zhe sands...go to 143 Ocean...ands...I'll be there's in a few...ah...sec-conds.."

(Five Minutes Later)

"Julia."

Yammi.

"I've seen so much of your bod...I mean I've seen you's...ah...before."

Why did you stand me up at the airport.

"Ok...let's talk as we go up to my room..."

Say what?  I don't even know you and I don't..

"No, No...just to talk about zhis day...alright.  So I was staking out...ah...Sir Galaxia's place.  And I saw him..."

And.

"And...as I saw him.  I noticed that he got locked out of his...how do you say in Span-ish...apartdemeidos..."

Apartamendo.  But continue...

"So he was outside, walking around zhe building...til he finally after some time knock kneed on zhe windows of zome neighbors....we're finally here...(Click.)...zome neigh-bors and zhey let him back inside.  Zhen he was immediately in and out like zhe burger joint and began to walk...you can puts ur luggage over's zhere."

Whatever.  Tell me what have you gathered already about our subject, Mr. Galaxia?

"U's are ah...straight to zhe point.  No champagne first?  I know how's to treat zhe ladies. (Wink!)

So I've heard...

"Ah...Julia...I knows a lot.  For instance...today somebody gave him a..ah..tip in his workout habit.  Zhis gentlemen, like a Yoda...interrupted him in his workout and wanted to show him this exercise with two balls...I have's to giggle when I say that...and doing pushups to help his abs."

How nice...I know all about his abs...and other body parts.

"Ok.  What else?  He loves...ah...breakfast and loves to eat it for dinner...Ah...today he was ah...watching zhe movie Valentine's Day...Ah.."

No suprise there...he's a romantic at heart.

"Here's some stuff you's didn't knows about hims...he's a semi-recovering germaphobe."

I already know that...you should seen him at the Halloween concert in Holland.  One of his favorite bands Jamiroquai was playing, and he came dressed at Mickey Mouse.  Every one thought it was the cutest thing, but ....Yammi, do you have a bathroom.

"Sure...over's to...zhe right."

(Click..Click...Click...Click...)

SO YEAH YAMMI...ALL THESE GIRLS THOUGHT HE WAS SOOOOO CUTE...BUT....(Sisssss....Sisssss) HE WAS JUST WEARING THE WHITE GLOVES JUST SO HE DIDN'T HAVE TO TOUCH ANYTHING OR ANYBODY.

"SO WAS HE COOL TO HANG OUT WITH?"

HUH??  CAN YOU REPEAT THAT?

"IS HE COOL?  TO HANGS YOU KNOW?"

WELL....(Flush.)...HE LOVES TO HAVE FUN AS EVERYBODY KNOWS...(Squeak, Squeak....Drip...Drip)  HE'S A CHARACTER...BUT...Oh, I feel better...but he's a silly guy.

"Since u know so much let me have a little word play to see's...ah, how much you's a know."

Fine.

"Ah..favorite number."

He has two.  The number 21.  And any given by a girl.

"I likes...he's just like me with zhe ladies...ah...his dream car?"

Well, in many ways he's driving it now.  He always wants his ride to be sort of luxurious, beachy and like a sport car.  As for his next pickup, he like the Ferrari 458 Italia in the color Purple, his favorite color.  He had a picture of it in one of his diary posts.   Had you been doing your homework, you would have caught that!

"Oh...I loves zhat car.  .let me see...music or la film?"

He loves music.  He has some stuff you wouldn't believe.  Everything from Real McCoy to The Cranberries to Luther Vandross to Boney James to Curio to No Doubt...Music loves him.  And he loves music.

"Favorite board game?"

Now this is a tough one.  His family owns like a mafia gang full of them.  Monopoly...Connect Four...Operation...Sorry...Double Trouble...too many to name.

"No Clue?"

What do you mean I have a clue.  And so does he...

"No, No beauty...the board game."

Oh...ah...no.

"What else can you's a reveal about our sub-ject?"

He's said and written so much...he still sleeps with a teddy bear, his super hero friend Hong Kong Phooey...he prefers to call than text, because he thinks it's more personal, and loves my...or a person's voice or laugh...He's never ate a Cuban Sandwich...a lot you should already know...Loves to dance all the time..He's a hidden party animal, really, which I love, even though he really doesn't drink...Oh, and he eats oatmeal everyday, I mean every day...

"I ah...hates oatmeal.  It makes a me...burp."

It's a staple...when we went out together he always made sure to show me new things and new places that's important to him...U know, he once told me some wild stories involving his love life.  That story he told me about that woman named Desire was interesting...He has some stories, as do I.  I guess all sexy people do.

"Zhat was kind of ah...conceited...by your jeans and ah...boots out-fit...ah...true...but conceited.  So how do you think we can get too him?"

Well, leave that to me...just follow my lead...

"Hey...I heard zhat you gots some...ah..pic-tures?  Iz zhat true?"

I did bring some stuff, that will help lead us to how to really follow him...secretly at least...I have some...pass me my Louis V bag...pretty please.

"Are zhese good or are zhey just...ah...what-ever?"

Yammi, these are very personal...nobody else has them but me.  Promise you!  By the way, Yammi...I think I'll take some Champagne after all...and I want it like I like my men...which is rich, down with tha swirl, and with no ice.

"Of course...my sweetheart...of course...whatever you like...now, about zhese pictures..."

A.G.

Assignment: We Have A Deal.

On the last episode of The New Adventures of Austino Galaxia...

(Ring...Ring....)

"Ah, come on!  Pick up tha phone..."

(Ring...Ring...Ring...)

"I guess I need to find someone I know who can get right down to tha point and who knows something about this guy..."

"Julia Angelica Gutierrez."

'What's in it for me?'

"I'll do whatever you want."

'Whatever...hummm..'

"...she knows everything about this Galaxia guy.  His habits, his tendacies...I think I've just found Yammi's new partner..."

And now the lastest installment of The New Adventures of Austino Galaxia...Enjoy!

Oh's what a night...what's a wild's night...Mi Amo Miami!!  Now's zhe sun's ah...out, and it's ah...morning.  Let's me see what's time is it...4:30...oh, zhat's gre...wait a minute...zhe sun's a out so bright for zha morning...Oh...No's...Don't tell me I've been sleeping for...let me check my phone.  Fudge Cakers!  I've got missed calls...what's this text from my Boss:  

'yammi, it's ur boss.  i'm cinding some1 dwn 2 south beach 2 help u out....'

What?!!  I don't needs no's help with zhis...I'm...zhe best.  Like Picasso...Likes zhe Beethoven...Likes 'zhe Situation'...no help.  None.  Let me call Boss to get zhis all straighten out....

(Ring....Ring...Ri....)

"Well, well, well, Good Evening sunshine."

'Hi, Boss.'

"Don't 'Hi, Boss' me...where have u been, I've been trying to contact you all morning.  Have u been sniffing skirts again last night?"

'Well...I kind...'

"U know what I don't need any explanation.  Let's cut straight through tha velveeta and get straight to the gooey stuff.  U got a partner."

'But Boss, I got...zhis under...'

"Don't give me that crap, Yammi.  All u do is party down there in South Beach.  I bet you have learned more about the women in Miami Beach than our subject numbero uno Austino Galaxia, haven't you?"

'Ah's...'

"Matter of fact, let me get my pen and paper out...tell me Yammi, what have you learned about this Galaxia?"

'Well, Boss...zhe walks alot...zhe eats...zhe walks alot...zhe eats again...'

"And I once stood in front of the Honorable Judge Judy and testified on your behalf...gheez..."

'How's I do...ah Boss?'

"So here's zhe plan...your new partner is Ms. Julia Angelica Gutierrez...and she's..."

'Hold's up's Boss...did you said...ah...Julia Angelica Gutierrez...like zhe model?'

"Yes...I did Yammi, I take it u've heard of her..."

'Ah...Boss...zhe's likes...a diamond...so beautiful...did you's know she was on zhe...Top Chef?'

"I know Yammi, listen...zhis is...wait, I'm beginning to talk like you...this is strictly business alright.  Now she's gonna call me back her in a few minutes...."

(Beep...Beep....Beep)

'Yammi, that's her on the other line...you're gonna have call me back alright.'

"But Boss, I've got some..."

(Click.)

"Ms. Gutierrez, how are you?"

'I'm fine Boss...and I apologize for having delayed calling you back, but I just got a call.'

"A call...from who?"

'Austino Galaxia.'

"What??  What did he have to say?"

'Well...here's goes...he called because his day has been more wild and crazy than Prince Harry partying in Vegas!'

"That's wild."

'Here's a small recap...he said he's been thinking about our past together, and how that made him stronger and better with these other girls...ah...he told me he asked this one girl out that he's been thinking about....'

"Ginobili!"

'Who?'

"Nothing...sorry...I just remember something that Yammi told me...he was right for once...continue."

'But evidently, even though she's pretty and all, he told me that he really isn't sweating it, if something works out or not, because I guess he's has a lot of options.  He was telling me of this one full-figured plus size girl he came upon at some dollar store or something...and he told me of this other beauty with white pants and pretty blond hair at the grocery store...and he...'

"Why is he telling you all this stuff?"

'Well, Boss...we're still friends, I guess...And he just needs someone who can relate to his lifestyle.  See...even though he really has it all, sometimes so much is thrown at him, that he just wants to know that somebody else knows what he's going through.  It can be a lot at times...just because it looks easy, doesn't mean it is easy.'

"True...anything else..."

'Umm...he's thinking about going to Palm Beach for the holidays...he's almost done with his showroom remodeling project...he told me that he's been loving that new Rick Ross and that Robin Thicke Sex Therapy album...he told me about this new movie featuring one of his favorite singers, Kylie Minogue, called Holy Motors, that he wants to see...as well as some other...stuff.'

"Stuff?  So I take it you're in tha hula hoop, huh."

'I know a little...Oh.  And he was so excited that someone from England sent this awesome visitor's guide on the city of Liverpool.  By how he's talking, he can't wait to go over there.  He already knows he's gonna go shop at Liverpool One all day and then whisk the night away at this sexy spot called Circo.  Sounds fun...'

 'I luv you, babe! I really do, you're awesome with a capital 'A'... Ok...let's talk details.  You're flying in to M.I.A  from Galeao International on tomorrow and you'll be staying at the same hotel as Yammi.  Alright."

'That's fine...but aren't we forgetting something?'

"What?"

'My reward for my great effort in ur escapade.'

"Yeah...I forgot...name your price."

'Since you said that Boss...I'll tell you when I land.  But I have something else to say...'

"Shoot...not literally...but u know what I mean."

'I've been talking to some of my friends in tha States, and rumor has it, Galaxia is really rounding into...there are some things that I know's been going on, that nobody else knows anything about.'

"Oh...that's why I hired you..."

'No, you don't understand...I was kinda vague tonight, but I have some really crazy stuff to tell you...'

"And why can't you tell me right now?"

'Don't worry, I'll tell you...but I have to see it up close for myself to see if it's actually true or not.  I promise you won't believe it.'

"So the next time we'll talk, you'll be on tha sexy sands of South Beach."

'You got it...me and my new partner...and Galaxia...and his secrets...'

"Secrets?...I can't wait."

'Neither can I....It's gonna be a lot going down...Ah...Miami...here we come.'

A.G.

Assignment: A Call To Rio.

Hi, and Stacia Arroyo and coming up later tonight on FUN3 News...

Have you got your list ready for Santa?  We'll tell you the coldest items and tha coldest places to shop for this upcoming season. 

Also..."There's a direct correlation between gas prices and the acting career of Kate Hudson, and I have the evidence to prove it."  We'll meet a South Florida man who claims that when Ms. Hudson looks hot on the red carpet, that it's really your wallet that will feel tha burn!

Plus, we'll update you on that 7-year-old Chef that captured the attention of the world last week, and give you this weekend's sexy forecast which looks like another beefcake fest at tha beach.

Join me and Jose, on FUN3 News, later tonight at Eleven.

Last seen on The New Adventures of Austino Galaxia...

'She's really pretty.  Like, really attractive....black hair, brown eyes, Jersey Shore tan, cute face, swagged out style...a Galaxia type of girl.'

"Ah...Boss...I don't knows about...her."

'I send you to Miami Beach, the glitz, the glamour, and the fun, and the best you can come up with is this Galaxia guy almost running outta gas?...GIVE ME SOMETHING YAMMI!!'

"Ok Boss, I'll give you something...She's an option, but not the only one..."

'What can you tell me about her?'

"...I'll give you two words...Manu Ginobili."

And now, today's episode...Enjoy!

I'm spending all this money for this Yammi guy, he has full use of my personalized Aston Martin, I'm placing his big head in one of the finest hotels in South Beach, heck I'm even paying for that $15 daily parking, which is atrocious.  I'm letting him spend money on work, and instead he's parlaying all his time on these video vixans, bottles of Bacardi, and to top it all off, I have absolutely nothing on this Galaxia kid.  What is freakin' up with this freakin' picture?  You know what I know u gotta dance with who brought you to the party, but I think it's time to find another partner.  I've waltzed too much, now it's time to do tha Soulja Boy.  Let me give this guy a call...

(Ring...Ring....)

Ah, come on!  Pick up tha phone...

(Ring...Ring...Ring...)

Are u kidding me, right now? 

(Ring...Rin....Chello, you's have reached zha voicemail of's me...Yammi.  Zhe best ah...de-tect-ive ands lovers...in zhe worlds...If you's a guy, please ah...calls back.  If you's a woman...give me yours sexiest voice with ah...description of what you's a wearing...and I calls you ba....)

(Click.)

I don't time to hear all that mumbo jumbo on tha phone.  Let me send him a text.  It's 4pm in Miami and he's still sleep?  Is all those people do down there is party, buy beach penthouses they don't actually live in and argue about who's sexier Lenny Kravitz or Cinna from The Hunger Games?  I'm gonna be direct in this text:

'yammi, it's ur boss.  i'm cinding some1 dwn 2 south beach 2 help u out.  u need it.  i need it.  the marlins need it.   eye need info on Galaxtica and i'm sending it asap. boss out.'

Alright, I guess I need to find someone I know who can get right down to tha point and who knows something about this guy, and...(Finger snap!)  I got it.   Let me see, didn't Galaxia use to date...I gotta go to the files...

Ok.  What was the name of that girl that he used to date, that called so much of a ruckus.  I have a whole file cabinet to this very subject.  Let me see, which one was it...there's a lot of folders in this thang...Elaine Bennes...no..Babs Bunny...no,although I heard they really made a fun couple...Lara Croft...Who's been in this file, everything's all out of order, this isn't how I do things?...Gina Waters...Whitley Gilbert...Leticia Ortiz....C.C. Babcock from The Nanny, I don't rememb...Oh...yes!! They did make an interesting couple...Oh, the usual...Nikki, Linda, Cindy, Naomi...Wow!  I forgot he did used to go out with Idalis from those old MTV VJ days, personally I think they should have stayed together  she was hot... but... these kids nowadays...I don't know.  (Shaking my head)

When I was "in tha game"...I was IN THA GAME.  Whether rain or shine, sickness or health, whether New Kids on The Block broke up or stay together, me and my broad were in it to win it.  Now these kids don't wanna do that.  I see it in their eyes, I was at this high profile event and party thrown for the exclusive credit card holders of Sav-A-Lot foods, and I saw this guy and girl holding hands and glazing into each others eyes.  I just walked up to him and flat out told him..."U better take care of ur lady, cuz as soon as Mickey D's introduces adds the grill chicken sandwich to their dollar menu, it's curtains for you, pally!"...  But it's a tri...There she is.  THERE SHE..... Oh yeah!  (Rubbing hands together)... Boy, how did Galaxia let her go.

Julia Angelica Gutierrez.

Look at this file...a former backup dancer for Michael Jackson, Usher, Justin Timberlake, and Fall Out Boy...a model since the age of 1 month...Geez, is that even possible?...A former Oakland Raider cheerleader...a actress...a singer...a substitute teacher...discovered the cure for the summer cold...Won Top Chef:  Rio for her dish of Chicken wings, Black beans and rice, and Organic meatballs...What doesn't she do?  She's like a freakin' Mother Teresa mixed with Princess Diana with a dab of Martha Stewart...look at these articles on these two lovebirds.

"Galaxia and His Angel at Movie Premiere."

"Julia's new beau who likes it better in tha kitchen."

"Dream couple out of tha stars"

I have to contact her.  Let me see, I have everybody's number, everywhere.  I remember when I was trying to track down the whereabouts of Sabrina, The Teenage Witch...I was calling all over... Transylvania, the moon, every cat shelter from Hollywood to Paris, Kentucky, it was crazy.  Here it is.  I hate these international calls, just so many numbers....

+1-4-3...wait...let me try again...+0-1-1...5-5...1-4-3...9-1-1...3-3-3...7-3-9-9...Huh, that's sexy!  Alright it's ringing...why do the rings on international calls sound like the phone is under a ocean?...

'Hola!'

"Hola!...me numbre is The Boss...Hel-llo!  May I a speako to a las Senorita Gutierrez."

'U don't speak Spanish do you?...I speak English, so just tell me who you are and what you want?'

"Great, I tried.  My name is The Boss, and..."

'Is this Bruce?  I thought u'll never call me after that wild and crazy night on E Street.'

"No, this is not The Boss as in Bruce Springsteen, but I'm Tha Boss."

'Ohhh..........so Rick after you took me for a ride in your Maybach down in Miami, u just forgot all about me, why didn't you call me ba...'

"No, Ms. Gutierrez, I'm not that boss, either.  I think you're referring to Rick Ross.  I only drive in Aston's and I would never not call you back."

'Ohhh....then let's talk.'

"Once again, my name is The Boss.  I work in tha...let's just say I find out...things.  About people.  Which led me to call you."

'Ok, Oye, but why did you call me, and what do you want...wait.  This hasn't something to do with Mr. Galaxia doesn't it?'

"Yes it does.  How did you know?"

'Well, as of late.  Everybody wants to know about that guy.  People ask me all the time, "How was it to date him?" all these questions.  I knew the minute I told him, "Yes, we can go out. That, he was gonna be the gift and the curse of my life.  It lived up to that blueprint."'

"So you like Jay-Z huh?"

'What?"

"Never Mind."

'So what's in it for me if I play.'

"See, I have this psuedo-gumshoe guy Yammi, on tha case in South Beach as we speak.  But he hasn't given me too much, just some small talk, but I want to get inside this Galaxia's head, and I know u know almost everything about him."

'Still.  What's in it for me?'

"I'll do whatever you want."

'Whatever...hummm...we'll talk about the details later.  I haven't spoken about our relationship, so whatever, I talk now.  What do you wanna know?'

"Ok...I wasn't expecting that to go so well.  So...let me see...I guess you can tell me about how you and Galaxia met and then go from there."

'Sure.  I got called down to Miami to do this cover shoot for Nylon Magazine.  While down there I decided to go to this party they were having at some make shift warehouse at...what do they call it...the Design District.  He happened to be there.  I had all these guys coming up to me all night, so I really had my guard up, cuz Miami guys are so fake.  I mean, they show off all their rides and homes, walk around with no shirt on when it's like 50 degrees outside, they even get there hands and nails all done, just not how I was taught when I was growing up on the beaches of Brazil.'

"I think Galaxia is known to get his nails done as well."  

'Yeah,..I know which makes how we ended up together even more interesting.  I remember it like it was yesterday, I was with some of my other model friends, when he just walked up to...me...'

"Uh-Huh."

'He had on these distressed jeans with a holes in them, a white v-neck t-shirt, some goofy nerdy black glasses...and..'

"Yeah, that sounds like him."

'And a grey scarf wrapped around his neck, that I later found out he got from his mom....He broke the ice, and said to me..."I just wanted to let you know that even though you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.  Your shoes don't match your dress.  And that got my rice a boiling.  Cuz my mother gave me those shoes, as well, and wear them with anything, no matter what I'm wearing...Aye Yai Yai!...they my favorite.  So as he walked away, I got up, from the VIP couches and yelled back at him, "You should be one to talk with those run down Jordan's you have on.  He turned around and told me he wore those shoes, I think they are the first Jordan One's  with patented leather...anyway, he wore those because they remind him of classic times and have a special place in his heart.  I guess, we got to talking, he introduced himself, as Austino.  I told him my name was Julia.  And we hit it off from there.'

"Did you enjoy dating him?"

'It was fun.  No pun intended...he liked to do a lot of different things, constantly.  We would read books to each other, sometimes while one of us were driving...We would go to various restaurants and hidden gem type spots...we would..'

"Don't mean to interrupt, but so much is made of Galaxia's diet and workouts, what does he eat?"

'So u really wanna know.  He's gonna kill me for telling you but...he likes to try new things, but he's also very strict.  For instance, I be sleeping in the bed, and hear the toaster come up, and I knew it was Eggo Blueberry Nutri-grain, with some sliced almonds on top.  He loves pasta, exclusively whole wheat with this Sweet Relish that has No Sugar Added.  I once bought the wrong kind, and he almost had a fit.  Ah...what else?  He's specific to what trail mix he buys cuz of his sensitive skin to pimples...'

"I've heard about that."

'Yeah, it's serious.  He really doesn't eat too much fast food.  He loves Egg Whites, especially on sandwiches like Subway...He's grown to love spinach...he'll only use particular syrups for his waffles...he despises fried foods, or...certain cakes and cookies.  I actually talked to him the other day, a little after his birthday on the 30th....'

"Really."

'And he said that he had a small piece of cake, and it almost made him throw up, cuz he hasn't had that in so long of a time.'

"Wow.  So he wants his cake, but is not worrying about eating it....weird."

'Yeah, that's what makes him who he is...And I'm the same way.  During my modeling days...well, I'm still modeling, but I had to watch what I ate and use those hidden energy foods to get me through the day.  I'm an almond freak, so we had to fight over those...but the make ups were something I'll never forget, either.'

"A lucky man."

'U're dag gone right lucky, cuz some of tha things I can do...'

"Julia, u're too much.  Now you lived out of the country so how did that all work out."

'It was tough.  We skype a lot...austino2121...I'll never forget that id name...but we'll talk on there whether I was doing something here in South America or in Italy or in other parts of the States.  We made sure to talk, because we both believe that communication is the basis for a good relationship, no matter what.'

"So true.  What else, you are such a gem of information, what else can you speak upon?"

'Let's see...he showers at night instead of the morning...he collects nothing but autobiographies...He loves to go to vintage stores or places where he can just look for old books or music items, that's his safe haven from the spotlight.  Sports is still a major part of his life.  He always told me that one day he was gonna live in Miami, which he is, and also have a home in Los Angeles, which I think he's working on as we speak.  Cartoon lover, loves to sleep with the AC on no matter what the temperature...Talks about God or The Big Whatever he chooses to say on that day in The Sky...he's a big romantic at heart.  I know a lot of people see that.  Guys and girls, which can be interesting when u have both sexes making a move on your man, but...he's more than the hype...One thing people don't know is that he's waaay more open than what people think.  He loves to conversate with anybody, strangers included.  He's conceited when he needs to be, if that makes since..'

"Why did you guys break up?"

'I rather not get into that cuz it still...or I still haven't gotten ov...'

"It was a lot."

'Sometimes u meet somebody that you know, but u don't know.  So since you don't know, u try other options, and sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side.  Both of us have, I guess opportunities to do other things or other people, and sometimes it's just difficult...but, wait...Boss, I gotta go right now, call me back in a few minutes, the food is burning up out on the deck, and I forgot about it'

"Sorry about that Ms. Gutierrez."

'Um...I'm gonna call you right back and we can talk about how you want me to help you out, and I have some pictures as well.'

"No way."

'Yes, way.  I'll call you back."

(Click.)

What a woman, she knows everything about this Galaxia guy.  His habits, his tendacies...I think I've just found Yammi's new partner.  But how can I convince her to really go hard and take tha gig.  I'll have to come up with something...and better yet.  She has pictures...I hope they are like this one I'm holding in my hand.  Look at these two...This is just too good...and seemingly it's just getting better...and better...by...tha...moment.  

Julia...you are beautiful  and more importantly you're the ace up my sleeve! 

(Muah!  With a kiss on Ms. Gutierrez's photo)

A.G.