(Clunk!)
Hey, Pablo, just because I like to watch my figure, doesn't mean u gotta throw the Sunday Herald at me, alright. Don't hate me because I made the front cover of the Betty Garage's Fantasy Men calendar three years running. Don't hate! You should see me, when I don't wear my tool belt!... Now, where's Susie at? Anybody....Over in the work area. Cool. I'll walk over here. Oh, what I life I do have. Sometimes I just say to myself, Self, how did you end up being in charge of this car mechanic business? I went to school to be a computer wiz, of sorts, now I own one of the best car garages this side of Italy. We do nothing but first-class work. Matter of fact, I don't do this just for anybody, and Susie is gonna kill me for letting her food get cold, but let me give you a tour. First there's...
('I brought u my Lambo, cuz I got into a little fender bender over Halloween a few days ago. A little too many ghosts and gobblins to tha head. Now, I come to check up on it, and for some reason my bumper is wrecked, my engine won't start, and my radio won't work, as well. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BUMP AND GRIND WITH MY GIRLFRIEND THIS WEEKEND WHEN MY FREAKIN' RADIO DOESN'T WORK?! I need to speak to tha owner of this place.')
Well, excuse me for a moment...Excuse me Sir, can I help you with your problem?
('And ah's....who's are you? I thought fish trash washed upon tha shore with yesterday's clams.')
Look, I don't know what in tha Sun Tzu, you just said, but I'm tha owner of this Fish Market. My name is Benetiz Horsepower.
('Ahhh...Horsepower? Is zhat some kind of jokey joke?')
No jokey, joke, that's my real name. Now, your vehicle that you are ranting about like a Twitter feed after that Oscar nominations came out, was like that when u brought it in.
('Ah....HOLD ON!....NO! I BROUGHT IT IN WITH JUST-ZHE FRONT-END BROKEN! (Hands Clapping Together)...NOW...')
Can you lower your tone?
('Whatever...Now. My whole car is ah broken. Front, Back, Inside...Ah, Outside. I have a date with tha beautiful Tiffanita Amore. Do you know who Tiffanita Amore is?')
Well, I really don't keep up with tha want ads of tha local newspapers too often, so I have no idea who this...
('Tiffanita Amore is a....goddess. In my country of ah...France, she is like no other. Perfection ah...Personified. Mona Lisa. Sofia Lauren. Ah...Hilary Duff and heck...Ah, Elmyra Duff rolled in one. And I brought her to Miami for a little, how shall I put it..Eh...a little shall we say, Tit for tat...I got a little out of control, and go into a accident zhe others...ah, day. But I saw a women's dressed up in red hair with ponytails, and she had freckles. Cute freckles...And Ah...this white and blue dress, which was low cut around tha bosoms. And there she was...in tha middle of tha street, bending over and doing this shake with her booty. And she had people around her holding hamburgers and cheeezburgers, and bout time, I got a closer look and saw she was zhe...Ah.....girl from Ah, Wen-dy's,....BANG! Now, Tiffanita is gonna leave me for this guy who drives a polka dot Fiat.')
Listen, guy. u brought this on yourself. I mean, I can see you crashing over seeing Lara Croft, or Catwoman, or even Ms. Smurfette, who's really, and I do mean really smoking hot, even though she doesn't know it. But for looking at Wendy's double stacks?? I dunno... Dude, u gotta just wait til we get done, which should be in a few more days. If your girl, Tif, can't wait that long, then tell her to stop by, and she's more than welcome to sit in my office, and we can talk, possibly take her out to lunch, or dinner...Take her for a drive in my Lambo, and she'll be alright. Bout time I get done weeving in and out with her, she'll won't even know your name...I mean, forget your name. Now, bye-bye!
('Ah...But....')
Bye-Bye! (With a small wave.) Claudia, if that creep shows up again, call tha Metro on him. By tha way, ur looking very radiant on today. You've been hanging out poolside at tha Delano huh? I know it. No tan lines either huh... I see ya gurl....I see ya! Now, where was I, Oh, yes...Well do tha tour some other time. Gotta get Susie her food. Walk with me over here. Now, I got to warn you, a lot of guys get intimidated by Susie. Cuz, she knows her stuff. Her father was a...
(Boom! Ding-Ding...)
What in tha name of Holy Jessica Simpson was that? Freakin' Monkey Wrenches lying everywhere... HEY, YOU GUYS GOTTA PICK UP YOUR TOOLS! SOMEBODY CAN GET HURT OUT HERE. Almost tore up my ACL... And let alone anythang scratches my face, aka Tha Money Maker. There will be a whole lotta mozzarella balls to pay. But, Ok, I'm alright....But Susie's Pops was like tha head designer for Ferrari for like 30 years. Rumor has it that when Susie was born, the first thing she uttered was, 'Zoom-Zoom'. And she hasn't stopped since. She knows sports cars in and out....Hey, Pablo, make sure u pick up those tools, I slipped on. Thanks, hombre!...But Susie, is like on another level. Plus, like every guy wants to date her. She's been in a lot of magazines...Lots! Vogue, Vanity Fair...She's half African-American and half-Mexican so she has some unique features on her face...and body. People en Espanol, IMG signed her to a modeling contract...She's really hot right now, which is cool. Huh, that's kinda funny! As long as she does her work, I don't care. People don't take her serious. And think she's just a pretty face and sexy body that happens to know about cars. But I see tha work she puts in. There she goes, over there working on a car. But she's good at what she does....very good. A-heem....A-heem...
(Susie rolls from underneath tha car.)
You know you should go for tha oil on your face look for your next photo shoot. I hear that's all tha rage over in Milan.
"Benny, would you shut up, and give me a rag. What took you so long? You know I'm hungry, now I gotta heat up my food in tha microwave."
Just had a little situation out in tha front. Claudia, looked scared, so I had to jump in and make sure nothing jumped off. Where do u want me 2 put this bag?
"Put it over by tha computer thingy to your left. I'll get to it in a bit."
So what's been going on with you? This is your first day working here in tha garage in a few days...and weeks...
"Don't even get started with me Benny, alright?!! I told you that I was gonna be busy, and out and about. A lotta people want me to do things, and since I'm young, I'm just trying to enjoy life to tha fullest."
By the looks of Page 3 of tha London Sun, I can see that you doing a whole lot more than touring Big Ben. I mean don't forget your job and your craft.
"Hey, whenever Kate Moss invites you to a banging party, you gotta enjoy yourself. All those footballers, and people I thought I'd never meet. They were all there. So what if tha paparazzi caught me having a good time, it's good for our business."
Whatever. So when are we gonna be able to...you know....Catch up.
"Is that what you call it now? Catching up."
You know what I mean.
"That's tha thang. I do know what you mean. Before we make a date to 'Catch Up' on old times, I have a big surprise for you."
Oh really. Do I need to let down the blinds and unbutton my Bugatchi shirt for this, or...
"Benny!! Stop. No, I'm serious. Come over here. (Grabs His hand) Now, you see this."
Yeah. You've had this covered up for like eons and have refused to let me even get close to this thang. I think one night you even had red sensor rays criss cross the entire garage. Spokes forgot his tool box that night, and basically had to go back to his college dorm days of playing Twister just to pick up his stuff. He didn't win, the cops came, and I had to show up to tha police station in my Tug boat PJ's and Goofy slippers just to bail him out. You remember that night...That was tha night you wore your driving gloves (Smooch) , and u put on your driving helmet (Smooch), and I took a ride down every (Smooch), inch (Smooch), of your body, until I reached tha 'Slippery when Wet' sign, when you....
"Not here, Benny. Not here. So here's a story. I've been working on this here prototype thang for a long time. This has been my baby, here. Like before even me and you hooked up."
Was this before that Mechanic conference weekend in Vegas? Or after your GQ Brazil cover shoot up over in Rio?
"It doesn't matter when or how many times...Just listen. So, everybody is into these new cars nowadays. But being born from car family, I still believe there is nothing like those vintage sports rides that are special, and truly one of a kind. Now, I found your dream car a few months ago."
Say Whahh?!!!!
"Yes. But I decided to make a few...Um, adjustments to it. It took a lot of time, more than I would have guessed to I guess, remix it, but it was worth tha wait. Now, what makes this model even more special, is that it is in prestine condition. Like, no miles. Nobody's really even drove it. So many people dreamed about this car, but very few knew that it actually existed. I put in tha sexiest engine one could have. It can go to tha speed of 220 miles per hour. Inside you'll find tha dashboard lights up, the radio system is banging. I got speakers sent from my friend Dr. Dre, so the sound system is one of a kind. Navigation, Pandora, NBA radio for your hoops fix. Anything you can think of. All of tha Miami and LA stations are programmed in so ur good coast-to-coast. A small TV is put in with complete seasons of ur favorite shows like Hotel Babylon, A Different World, The O.C., New York Undercover are put in. As well as Season One's of Devious Maids and Orphan Black, from this year is programmed in. It's sick. Like, really, really sick."
Susie, I don't know what to say...I...I'm at a lost for words.
"Now tha other day, I invited my girls to come and take a look at it."
All of them?!! You know how much I love to see your friends.
"I know, oh too well. But they came and they absolutely love it. Like, they couldn't stop talking about how cool it was, and how they haven't seen a car like this before, in this condition. They said it looked futuristic. Like this was gonna be tha car that everybody is going to be talking about. Taking pictures and they said after I showed it to you, they are immediately gonna be posting pictures up on Instagram. A few of us took it for a spin, and my girl Dani, didn't even want to get out of it. She was talking about how smooth the ride was, and she couldn't even comprehend that Armani Casa did the interior work. Especially since it was so colorful, like Pop Art. I'm telling you it's top of tha line."
So when can I take tha cover off, and check it out?
"Alright, are you ready?"
You bet I am.
"Ok...One...Two...Three..." (Whooomph!) "Ta-daaaahhh!"
Will somebody hashtag O-M-G! Susie, this is....How in tha world did you even find this? I mean...I've read a lot about it. Only true car enthusiasts even knew that this model existed. I know it cost a fortune, didn't it?
"Sometimes being a celebrity does have it's perks. Go ahead, get inside, and smell it."
Ok. (Click-Click) It smells like Funfetti cake. You know how much I luv that smell. I guess being patience after all these years finally paid off. I thought I would never have a chance...I came close over the years. Once, a rich kid over in Monte Carlo out bidded me on Ebay Motors, so that was that. Another time, a girl played games with me, and told me if I took her to Prime 112, then she would give me tha hook up. That was jacked up, but now you, Ms. Susie. Why did u keep it under covers for so long?
"Well, Benny, life is sometimes like a sexy sportscar. Sometimes you have to be patient so you won't get caught up in all tha traffic. See, a car like this is not made to be stuck in traffic. It's made to zoom with tha top down, and to enjoy life to tha fullest. Timing is everythang. Now tha time is right, and now tha fun can really begin."
This is so awesome...But I just have one question as you're talking about life like Marie Forleo.
"What's that?"
Why is there a book, that looks like a diary inside of this glove compartment?
"Oh, that's the Driver's Manuel. That's from tha person who helped design this car."
And He signed it...Austino Galaxia. Huh. Never heard of tha Chap.
"But you will. You definitely will...And he's about to really take off. Now, Let's take it for a ride. But first, as Drake would say, let me give u a tour. Now, you hit this button and Boom! Tha top drops. Ok, then you hit this one, and the TV pops up, push this purple button for Hip Hop, this one for Smooth Jazz, and this one for Australian and British Pop. You get Kylie Minogue and tha Spice Girls all day, everyday...If you want food, u hit...."
Galaxia.
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