What has come over me? I think this South Beach life has totally taken control of me. I mean, now I'm making sure I chew a piece of chocolate at least 4 times before I swallow, just so I don't pimple out too early. The other day I was in shopping and comparing tha stats on waffles like I was a judge on Dancing With The Stars. 'Ah...you have great movement in tha protein portion of ur routine, and tha gram count in your 1-2 salsa step is impeccable, but if you were to practice a little bit on that Sodium Dip of your partner of about 3%, trust me, you'll be one of tha best to ever pop out of a toaster!!'
But this Miami lifestyle can get to you dude. You walk past mirrors and have to look to make sure your hair, and yes, I did say hair was in order. I ain't tha only one, dude I be shopping in stores, and see men and women, do everythang but practice their walk down the catwalk in front of the mirror. It's crazy! Women lifting up their shirts to check out their butt...guys lifting up their shirts to check out their abs...heck kids lifting up their shirts to, well, just because kids like to lift up their shirts, I guess. I hope that stops before they're 18 and hit Mardi Gras! But it's crazy, real crazy. Huh....Let's start a new paragraph.
Now, we are talking about tha vanity of tha quote unquote Most Vain City in America. Let's have a little fun on tonight. How about we write down a list...Yeah, how about we give an in-depth list to let you determine if you are into yourself as much as I am. This should be fun...And definitely should be embarrassing, but hey, learning from my past life as an English Doctor/Mind-reader for cats. Think Dr. Dolittle meets Miss Cleo...anyway, you only live twice. So I might as well, let it all hang out for this diary of ours. Alright, this should be very interesting, and personal...Let me look in tha mirror to see if I'm ready...That's freakin' hilarious! And here we go....
- Face Talk. Am I tha only one that feels like right when you have a great party to go to, or are about to play in that game where u know all tha freaks, or girls are gonna be at, that is when something weird happens to your face. Be it a scratch that came from tha wind that was blowing on ur grill while you were laying on tha sands of the beach, or a pimple that came from you trying out KFC's $10 bucket only to find out that tha KFC in Little Havana cooks with way 2 much grease compared to tha one in Coral Gables. Or if you're a girl, you try on tha makeup foundation at tha NARS cosmetic counter, only to find out tha Mama didn't tell you that your face could only handle YSL, now you've broken out everywhere including inside ur nose. I've always wondered, how can u get a pimple inside ur nose. I mean, your eyes I understand...Too much, Eye Candy. Your mouth...Too much, Hard Candy...Your nose, Too much...Oh, I forgot this is Miami. No wonder I keep on liking girls who love tha Snow lifestyle...But for real, if u like monitor every...eyelash malfunction....grey hair in ur goatee...tha grams of sugar to prevent pimples or monitor how much you sweat in tha sun because you don't want to mess up ur perfect mug....Then welcome to Galaxia's Club of Vanity!
- Mirror, Mirror. If you use any of these items to check out how ur look, when no mirror is around, then not only are you ghetto as buying as buying a giant pack of Salt & Vinegar potato chips, a grape soda and a 5000 minute phone card from tha local corner store, but...you are also Vain beyond compare. I call this segment you know if you're Va-netto when you use: Your cell phone. Any eating utensil. And that includes tha sporks that u can find at you fine dining locations. A window on tha passenger side of a parked car. (Don't act like u've never done that! Like I'm tha only one who glances his mug on tha window of a Ford Escort as I walk by...This is Miami, everybody does that!!!)...Sunglasses. Now if my Emporio Armani's retail at $325, then I put this on Anna Wintour and Andre Leon Talley Vogue shoot from 1998 , that I'm gonna use those bad boys for more than protecting me from the sun!...Other notables include: Windows from your favorite retail store front. (The windows from Macy's, especially on Lincoln Road do wonders for ur reflection)..Glass window booths inside of diners or greasy spoon restaurants. Ipads in idle mode. Or heck, better yet, if you download tha actual Mirror reflection App from Google Play...Then you are...needless to say...Vain. (Ha, Ha!!!)
- If you have ever taken a picture of yourself in front of a mirror and posted it on any of the social networks for all of mankind to see. You are Vain, my friend. Let's take it a step further...If you have taken a pic, and posted it to multiple Social Networks with a 3 minute span, you are vain 2 tha nth degree. So not only do u have to look at Austino Galaxia with his shirt off and doing tha World of Beer tour on Facebook. I'm gonna hit u wit tha same winning picture on twitter, that has a link to my Instagram that is actually tha same freakin' photo! You guys know I'm right! Like I'm tha only one at tha gym, at tha disco club (Wow, I don't believe I called it that!), who has to tip toe around people taking Social Network pictures like a peeping Tom trying not to get caught peeping into the window of Alyssa Milano as she's getting undressed. Can I get a Amen?!!
- Tha Ride. Ok. We're warmed up, so now let's get real. If you've ever gotten dressed or undressed inside of a car you are vain. If you've gotten undressed while the car is actually in tha "D" mode, then baby you are in tha Vain Hall of Fame or Shame!! Depending how u look at it. Here in Miami, tha car is like a 2nd closet, and for some more like a 7th or 8th closet. We keep outfits in tha backseat just in case we get hot, or one of our friends text us to meet at a pub or bar or yacht party. We come prepared. But I've never seen more people do more things...Ladies, how do u put on makeup, while looking in tha rearview mirror, and drive at tha same time?! I know girls who have changed entire outfits while driving! I've changed into a suit while my car was in Park. Us Miami folks don't care. And u know what's crazier...This deserves two paragraphs...
What's crazier is that we change clothes not giving a darn who sees our goodies. 75% of us walk around naked all tha time anyway, so who cares who sees our boobies or tha tatto of our Ex above our navel, or even if somebody notices that I or, excuse me, "somebody" wears those good luck undies that have been undefeated of Friday and Saturday nights since High School. I once was in Palm Beach, right off of Worth Ave., and just took off my shirt to change in tha dead of Noon day. My Vegas Girl I was with, was cool, and we just kept on rolling. But if there was a contest on how to get undressed in a car, tha 3-0-5 would win hands down. Or better yet, without hands!!
- What you eat is dependent on what you are wearing. Stop laughing! Whoever is laughing at that, is guilty as charged. You don't order Spaghetti, cuz u might risk it spilling on ur new Derek Lam dress. You kicking it under a cabana pool side at a hotel on Collins Ave., and u order a drink that matches ur swimsuit. Like TMZ and Paparazzi TV really know who u are! A guy refuses to eat ribs at Shorty's Ribs, of all places, because u don't wanna mess up ur new limited edition Heat jersey. Why did u come? For tha cornbread?!! You know who u are....Speaking of which....
- If you are constantly seeking tha camera at any of these events...You are Vain: You best friend's wedding. This ain't ur party, why are u in tha background of EVERY picture?!!!....Any event you see or think u see tha photographer from Ocean Drive Magazine...An album release party...If you are constantly hugging tha middle of the floor of every exhibit during Art Basel...Yeah, ur vain. If you just hang outside the club, and never go inside, during Memorial Day Weekend aka Hip Hop Weekend, then u are vain...Trying to get in every pic during a restaurant grand opening...If ur at a friend's birthday party, and u show up in more pictures afterwards than tha actual b-day guy or girl, yeah...u got it...If there is a Model photo shoot or Novela TV shoot, or even if Burn Notice happened to be shooting a scene on ur block, and u go home and change clothes like Jigga in '03, and come back and then walk back and forth Aaliyah style continually in tha background...I got three words for ya...U Vain, Dude!
Few more...
- Private Shaving Show. If you shave around your private parts, to tha point where u actually put that inside of your Palm Pilot or, wait they don't make those anymore. But u put that into ur itinerary, as in it's 10:30 am in tha morning, and u can already see which way and how u are gonna go around ur Big Johnson or Love Nest, then yeah...U Vain.
This is just for free:
- If u go to tha Spa, and drink more than one glass of complementary champagne, then ur Vain.
- If u get ur nails and or hair done, two times within a week and a half period, then ur a Vainster.
- If u refuse to jump into tha pool at a pool party, cuz u don't wanna mess up ur hair or wrinkle up ur new swimsuit (Guys included), then ur highly vain.
- If ur out to eat, and ask tha waiter if tha food is: Grass-fed, Pasture-fed, fried in what kind of oil, 100% Organic, or ask what tha source was from tha complementary water, then ur Vain. While we on it...
- If you order a burger without meat. Or if u at a Sports Bar, and since u can't substitute the fries for anythang that's within ur diet, u say just bring tha burger and eat tha money. Or if u order a Cuban Sandwich minus Cuban bread. Or if you go to tha Food Court at Aventura Mall to ur favorite corner Chinese joint and order just tha BBQ Jamaican Jerk Chicken without tha rice yet pay tha same price if u ordered the rice. Or if one bagel is ur meal for tha entire day....Or if you go into any of tha following: Micky D's, BK, Wendy's, Taco Bell or Chik-Fil-A or Snappers and place a complex order that even Richard Simmons wouldn't even order....Any of the above...Ur Vain, Homie!!
- If you wear glasses that have no actual prescription, but u like tha 50s Smart look...U Vain.
- If ur kids are less than 3 yrs old, and they are rocking: Jordan's, Burberry, Gucci, or Versace Kids...Beep it...Or even Gap Kids...U Vain. Give 'em some OshKosh B'Gosh, the Gerber's Organic Oatmeal they be burping up don't know tha difference!
- Your workout outfit is straight from tha Editorial from Men's Health magazine...U vain.
And finally....
- If u refer urself in 3rd person...Or don't do manuel labor at work because the day before u just got ur hair or nails done....Or if u don't dance cuz u might mess up u heels...Or if u have a mirror on tha ceiling of ur bedroom....Or if u have drawings of urself su...rronding the place...u live. Uh-oh! Let's skip that one...
Alright. I can go on and on, but it's 10:44 pm, and I can't because I got...OMG!, This is so funny!... I GOT TO GET MY BEAUTY REST!!!!! I got real issues...I need my own show for real. Oh man...If u read this diary then u got a little vain in u too, which is fine. As long as u can look in tha mirror, and say u are somebody, or I do look good and sexy. If u can do that, then u know at least TWO people feel tha same way. And sometimes to change tha Galaxy....
That's all u need.
Cheers!
Austino Galaxia. Tha Vain One.
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