Where's this school's address? I got 2121 Central Avenue. That's 2127....you got 2125....this is a long block. Here's 2119 Central, wait a minute. Did I miss something? Let me put this car in reverse. It looks like it's about to rain out here. Ok, back it up, back it up. There's a 2121 Central Avenue. Some cars are out here, so this must be tha spot. Some really sick cars, I thought my ride was sexy. I don't know who's driving this new Jaguar F-Type, but I'm gonna have to find out. Seems like everybody is talking about that ride. Don't like parking my car on tha grass, people do weird things in tha grass. Throw gum in it, pull number 2's in it, graze in it if u know what I mean, with kness and bodies rolling around without any discretion. That's another story. Here's a spot, next to this Porsche Cayman. I really don't want to go in here. This is not tha place I should be visiting, but...expect the unexpected in life. Let me reach inside this glove compartment, to pull out these new Ray-Ban's I just bought. Don't want nobody to recognize me. Alright. It's showtime, I guess. This is so embarrassing. Open tha door, step out and...
(Gulk!)
What tha...Oh no! Stepped into some gum. See just like I just said, I hope this isn't symbolic of how today is gonna go. Now I gotta open up this door, and...(Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bo..Slam!) Clean this up, and ready to go.
"Hey, are you here for tha meeting?"
Yes, I am. U too?
"Like Yeah. I come to these things all the time. Eye take it, this is your first time?"
Is it obvious?!
"Your fly is open."
Ooops! (Blushing) This is turning into one crazy adventure. U look very familiar. What's your name?
"Ah...I'll see you inside." (Click. Click. Click. Click.)
Boy, she's dirty hot. And she got a walk on her. Nothing wrong with getting a little eye candy before the main course. This school looks old. Like really old. I heard some things like they are thinking about shutting this school down because of the lack of books and supplies. I've been in that situation, where they closed ur school down. It really does affect tha community. Ok. We're inside. Which way do I go. Here's a sign with an arrow on it:
MEETING IN ROOM 734. 2:30 P.M.
Guess we'll make a right. There's vending machine, I need a drink before I go in there. Coke II. Sold Out. Pepsi Clear. Sold Out. Let me see...Hi-C Ecto Cooler...Sold Out. Dang!! They need to update their machine don't they. All these drinks are from like '95!! Can a brotha get some Vita Coco Water? Guess this can of Slice would have to do. I'm not sure they got some food in here, but let me get a snack. I'm totally breaking my workout diet right now, but on a day like today, I don't give a fudge. Then again, I do, cuz I have a taste for some right now. Donut Sticks...Donut Sticks...Considering what's about to go down, I need some Donut Sticks or I'm not gonna be a happy camper. I need to be high for this, and since I don't do cocaine...I need the closet thing possible. If I could get a needle, and crumble up a Donut Stick and put it in, and shoot it up my veins, I would! (BANG! BANG!) NOOOO....They don't have my Donut Sticks....WHYYYY? Whatever, I'm Austino Galaxia, be cool...be cool...Everythang's either Sold Out or too expensive. They want $2 for some Bazooka Joe's. Ring Pops...$3. They don't even have tha grape one. It's not two month's of my salary, but still too much for tha kid. Guess I'll have to settle for these Hostess Banana Nut Mini-Muffins. Four dollars, feel like I'm personally saving tha company, alright. four dollar bills into tha machine...F-U-2...I've never seen a machine where u got to type in like Scientific elements just to get ur eat on. And...
(Ba-da-boomp!)
And of course, why doesn't this surprise me, they give me Pez stick of Alvin from The Chipmunks instead of my Muffins. I NEED MY MUFFINS!! Alvin is no good without Simon and "Thea-dore" How come I can't get that cartoon on DVD? That's blasphemous...Anyway. Here's Room 756....a little more further. Yeah, after all that I proclaim to be, and after all that I've written, this is gonna be a head turner I'm sure. Just like the other day when I turned onto Biscayne Blvd., and came behind this Hummer with a cartoon face painted in tha back mirror. I right behind this car, and was thinking that's cool, since I'm a cartoon kind of guy. Then I looked harder and that face looked really familiar, then it hit me that it was picture of Dennis Rodman. And I looked into the drivers side mirror, and sure nuff, it was my dude, "The Worm", ear piercing and all. So I began to make a move so I could ask him about how was it playing with Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen and Kim Jong-Un , but the lane next to us had construction cones. I then got to his right, and this Gray Metallic Hummer had nothing but cartoon drawings of naked women on tha side. Kinda of cool really...like I said...a head turner. Here we are...Room 734. Deep breath. Breathe like Fabo. Let's do this thang.
(Creeeeep.)
Whahh? There's only two people in here. Although one of them is that fine, and I do mean fine girl I met earlier. And who's this fellow here...
'Hello, are you here for today's session?'
Yes, I am bro. Who are yo..
'Hi. My name is Professor Jocus. Please take a seat. I think you two lads are the only ones who signed up for today. See I told you that somebody else would soon come.'
(A head nod from the lovely lady.)
(A-hum...A-hum..Cough, Cough!) 'HELLO, CLASS, MY NAME IS THE GREAT PROFESSOR JOCUS. PLEASE, PLEASE YOU'RE TOO KIND, HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE, I DON'T DESERVE THIS...ENOUGH, ENOUGH!'
Homedude! There ain't nobody up in here, but me and this shorty, plus ain't nobody clapping, it's so quiet u can hear a mouse take a leak on cotton. I don't even know who u are bro!!
'Why I'm quite sorry, Sir. It's just a force of habit from my days teaching at the grand Stanford University...the Haaar-vard of the West.'
(Whispering) "He does this every session. Just let him be."
Alright. But I graduated from the School of Hard Knocks...The Haaar-vard of the Ghetto!
"Stop it, Would you!" (Whispering)
'So let's first begin with some introductions. You are gonna stand up, and turn around to the rest of the class, and say...'
DUDE, THERE AIN'T NOBODY UP IN HERE!
'Let me make a note...Insubordination... on-the-guy with the Ray-ban's, Joe's Jeans, and "Sunday Funday" tee shirt on. Dot. And with tha Kobai shoes.'
Kobe's! Kobe's!! These are Nike Air Kobe's son. Like the Seven's....Plays for the Lakers?...Five Rings?... 81 points?...
(Quizzical Look.)
Played with Shaq.
'Oh...Oh...Dr. Shaquille. Yes, yes, he was in one of my sessions a long time ago. He was a prized student as a matter of fact. I miss the Big Diesel.'
"Me too."
'So let's start with you, you are gonna turn to the rest of tha class, and introduce yourself, and tell everybody that you...well, by reading the brochure, you know how this thing goes.'
Whatever, here goes nothing...HimynameisAustinoGalaxiaandIamarecoveringFunaholic.
'Slower...Slower...there is nothing to be ashamed of in here. It's just you, me, this lovely lady, and that camera that's videotaping this session for my new DVD. That's all. Now like a Friday night, go nice and slow.'
Ok. Friday Night. Nice...and slow...Nice...and slow...Nice and...
'Without the grinding or whatever Shakira thang u're doing.'
Alright...Hi...
'And without that goofy smirk either. This ain't that kind of party.'
Ok. Friday Night. Hi....My name is Austino Galaxia. And I am a recovering Funaholic.
(Crack! Crack! Uumph!)
"Ha ha! Ha ha! Are you...Ha ha ha!...you okay?! Ha ha ha!!"
Girl u better stop laughing at me. I did that on purpose, cuz I wanted to see that pretty smile of yours...
'Oh hush, Sir Galaxia, you tried to hop back into your seat so fast, that almost cracked you wig by falling on the floor. Now get back up and stop playing. I have no time for games alright. My time is precious. Tonight, they are doing a special on Cricket collecting on PBS. And I must not be late.'
Stop...laughing...girl.
"I can't help it...u're cute."
'Alright, the first rule of figuring out what to do with a problem, it to admit it. You, Sir Galaxia, have just taken the first step. May I ask you what makes you a recovering Funaholic?'
Well, it's on my mind wherever I go. It's like all I ever think about. At work, or even when I'm out on tha town, while I'm on tha toilet, it has taken over my life in ways that I just can't control it anymore. And when...
'Yes...Yes...Go on.'
And when I don't have Fun, I can get kind of down, like what's the use of doing something if you don't have fun. That could be working out, or kissing somebody, life can turn into, or at least my life can turn into a duty instead of just that spontaneous activity that you have (fingers in quotes motion) to do. I can't live like this. No matter how much I try to ignore this addiction, it follows me like homegirl in Fatal Attraction. And you know Professor what the most difficult thang is...
'What is that my dear friend?'
I feel like I'm the only one who has this addiction or problem. It's so difficult to meet other people who just...want to...want to...
'It's ok, you can spill it out to us.'
It's so difficult to meet other people who just want to have fun. People are so serious nowadays, and just to be urself...the other day, somebody basically suggested that I slow down who I am, or how I perform, and adjust my speed or efficiency to adhere to the level of somebody else. I got offended! I don't follow the rules of life, I make them! And if somebody should be adhering to somebody else, they should be following me. Beating to my own drum, I guess so, but there's a standard of Fun and...love, that I set, and if somebody doesn't want to come up to my level, then...
"Amen."
Then that's their problem. I'm not settling anymore in terms of holding myself back, just so I can fit in. Everybody ain't Yankees material. It's just so darn hard finding others who are...I can tell that by just me and this sexy...and I do mean sexy (Blowing of a kiss), girl that's in here. Nobody is down, Professor. Nobody.
'You've said a whole lot right there, Sir Galaxia. And I appreciate your honesty, because I once was in your shoes.'
You were.
'We are a real peculiar group of hunks.'
(Cough, Cough!!)
'And babes...Sorry.'
So how did you get rid of this...thang, Professor. I mean, should I like...What should I do?
'First off, you don't ever really get rid of the genes for this...disease. And it is a disease. That's not necessarily a bad thing either. What I would do...(Flick!)...Sorry, I need to light my pipe for this piece of advice...(Cough.) What I would do, or what I did, was immerse myself more deeply in it. See the only way to tame tha genes of a Funaholic is to just let them be. People who have this, have a problem in trying to fight it, instead of just accepting it, and using it as a positive. A Funaholic may feel that nobody else wants to just live life to the fullest, and since everybody else is down or sulking in their problems, where u are thinking about making lemonade out of Sunkist lemons, the Funaholic will get the feeling of suppressing their feelings of Fun in order to appease others. (Puff!) U just have to let go, because that's the only way you can truly survive...and the only way you will ever be...(Puff!)...Happy.'
That's some good stuff, there, Sir.
'That's why I'm tha Professor. This is what I do.' (Puff!)
So on this Sunday, you are just telling me to begin to live even more than I've been. Although, that's been kind of crazy. And just indulge myself into my curiosities of Fun.
'You have to. If not...u wonder why you have some days where u are just sad for no reason. Or why things are so stale, and thoughts of 'life isn't worth it' creep in. Those are those Fun genes that are being suppressed, you got to activate them. Go to a museum, or a party, or read a book on the beach, U MUST DO SOMETHING! If not, u aren't gonna live a happy life, and more importantly a Fun one, cuz u're now living how ur systematically designed to live. It's just who u are.'
I just have one more question Professor.
'Just one more, my wife is cooking some new kind of smashed potatoes tonight, I have to stop by tha store to pick up some grass-fed Milk.'
Professor, being yourself can kind of....like...
'Alienate.'
Yeah, Alienate yourself. Like life is crazy...if u look too good, then u get alienated. If u don't look good enough, u get alienated...If u are super smart, but if ur not smart enough...If ur super rich, but then if ur poor...it's like....like I get a feeling like I'm never gonna fit in.
'That's ur problem right there Sir Galaxia. You said yourself, that u set tha standards right. Don't base yourself, and the level of life you live on how many friends you have nor on what other people say about you. If u think ur tha best. Then you are. If you think ur the sexiest. Then you are. Believe for urself, and live positively in that manner. U may have to go by urself, or some may think that you are weird, but sooner or later, if u live like the Ultra-Funaholic that you are, then you will find that there are others who believe the same way that you do. U may not see them now, but u soon will. Be Yourself. Live to the most Fun you can. You only get one life...I have a feeling that you are closer than you think. And as I just heard the other day, "If you don't get invited to the party, then throw one urself!" Remember that...You are the life of Fun's party. Now act like it.'
I will. I will.
'And...time. Sorry, Madam, I couldn't get to you on today, just so nice to have another opinion in our session. Alright, Whole Foods supplied us with some snacks in the back, if you two want to get to know each other, just remember to turn off the lights when ur done, and that the jimmy's are in the bottom right drawer. Thanks for coming, see you all, next session. Ciao!'
Bye Professor.
"Bye Professor."
Let me see what kind of snacks they got over here. Carrots and dip..Chicken wraps, Turkey Sandwiches, gurl, a brotha is about to go real gangsta and stuff some of these goodies in his pockets! Cuz I'm going shopping after this, and this means I can spend just a little more cash knowing I got food stored up for the week! Can you pass me that Scholastic book bag over there?
"You are so silly...You know, I can relate to everything that you said earlier today. I've felt...alone, as well. Like, especially myself being a girl, and looking how I do..."
Um-huh.
"It's like I get judged solely on how good I look or just because I talk this way, or can dance hip hop and ballet. I'm just a simple gal who wants to have fun. But Society almost puts limits on you, like u have to be a certain way to be successful. And once u reach that level, and even naturally surpass it, then people don't like you, or they don't want to be associated with you, cuz they are either intimidated or insecure about themselves. With girls it can be even worse, we can be something. U want a carrot?"
Sure. Yeah, but as the Professor said, u have to 'Be You.' And not get too concerned about how popular or how u look to others. As one of my favorite songs used to go, "I'll go...if I have to go...by myself." That's the attitude you have to have to be a true success, I believe. No matter what, u must live on ur own terms. Especially if u realize that's what's gonna make you not only happy, but make a difference in tha history of this world.
"Huh. You're deep. I think it's time for us to go."
U sure u ain't gonna want any of these wraps? I know u can fit at least three or four inside of that Longchamp bag that you got!
(Giggle.) "No...but thank you." (With a touch on Galaxia's arm.)
Hey, on my bucket list I've always dreamed about doing something on the 50-yard line of the high school football field, but since that's locked up. We got this here desk...if u wanna...
"No Laces and Leather Party tonight!" (Smiling.)
Well, then how about a date. Just me and you. I'll set up a picnic on the beach, get some coconuts, some carrots since u are into them...I can just bring a portable DVD player, and we can watch a movie with the waves washing upon tha sand. Have u seen Turbo? I got tha bootleg copy, I mean it might be in Japanese, but still...
"U just don't stop. Listen, I think ur a cool, and sexy guy, but I'm taken." (Flashing of Wedding Ring.)
Oh. That's a lot of taken!
"But my Sister always thought that you were cool."
Your sister?
"Yeah. Angelica Julia Guiterrez. Do you remember her?"
How can I forget? She was the most beautiful girl I've ever met.
"Well, I'm her sister, Destiny. And I recognized you outside, but I didn't want to say anything. She talks about you a lot. Ever since that day you met her and our parents. She's been in this session before as well. I think u two will be tha perfect couple. She's gonna flip when I tell her that I spoke to you."
She's the one who's slipped through my fingers...How can I get in touch with her? Do u have her number?
"Duh...I'm her sister. But I promised, no matter what to not let anybody else get it. Even you! Guys have a tendency to stalk her, and she doesn't want that."
That's lame. Even for me, huh. So what should I do next, I mean...I mean...
"Why don't u just let Destiny have her way."
Ha ha! So funny. You've been practicing that line for days, right?!!
"Now a girl never tells her secrets, now does she. Come on, let's walk out of here before the janitor thinks something is up. I got a plan for you, and I'm gonna hook you up...like you won't believe. Get tha lights would ya."
Room 734. This was the backdrop of the next stage of my life. Thanx Homie.
"AUSTINO!!"
Now Destiny calling me...Yep...It took some time, but now Destiny is calling me. Oh boy! This is about to get good...really, really good.
I'M COMING!!!
(Click.)
All in tha name of Fun...and Luv.
Smooches.
Austino Galaxia.
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