Austino or Austina?

The following is based on true events in my life recently...Once again...Parental Discretion is Advised.

(Click.)

I really can't believe that I'm doing this.  I haven't done anything like this in a very long time.  Like since I was working at that Modeling Agency up in Chicago, and this woman told me that she had a spot for me in her show.  I remember my Pops looking at me like I was crazy, but whatever life is about firsts right.  Now years later, I'm here in South Beach, in my bathroom about to I guess make myself look even more sexy.  If that can be done.  Just kidding.  I really can't believe I'm doing this.  Alright, so where's that Norelco.  This thang is so good, I've used it all the time on my face but now...First let's take off my shirt, I got some hair on my chest.  Interesting.  Pierce Bronson style.  Can I still bounce my pecs like The Rock?  Still got a little jiggle I guess.  Our workouts are different now, than before, yet...What I'm concerned about is right here in our Ab area, and around our belly button.  It doesn't look too bad, but it needs a touch up.  Usually I don't give a heeve ho about down there, even if I happen to be walking around the sands, like 'whatever' u know, but...

(zii-aaaaHHH! Z-AHHHH!)

Here goes nothing.  Alright, so I'm gonna shave just this mid section area, and then see how it goes from there.  Not gonna go and shave my chest...

(Z-AHHH!  Z-AHHHH!!)

Just gonna do that area.  And that'll be it.  Wait, I need some music for this event.

(Click.)

Boy if folks could see me walking around with nuthin' but my Armani's on right now.  Huh.  I should post that on my Instagram.  Everybody else has a body shot, I know I can hang better than most...Anyway, I just love Janet's Discipline  album, let's start this party with some "Feedback".  Ok, let me dash back in this bathroom.

(Z-AHHH! Z-AHHH!)

Alright...(Buz!....Buz!)  Boy, this eletronic razor is pretty good.  U don't even feel it.  (Buz!...Buz!)  Kool.  (Click.) Now that's better.  I'm becoming so vain, but u gotta feel good about urself right.  U know.  U look good.  U feel good...Since we got our upper half looking right, how about our...Should We?  This would be so embarrassing if folks knew what I did to look good.  This is like taking Metrosexuality to a whole new level.  Let me see...U know what.  I think a lot of girls like their man's jewels to be on display on a clear package.  So why not?  (Click.)  This is just between me, this mirror, and whichever girl I'm gonna do tha fool with...

(zi-aaaHHH!  Z-AHHH!)

Time to drop the Italino's.  (Buz!...Buz!)  I can't believe I'm shaving down here.  I remember back in tha day, my guy saying one word, and this girl got her Brazilian wax on without a second thought.  I may not go all the way but...Start on this right side.  (Buz!...Buz!.....Buz!)  I can't believe how much hair in falling....(Buz!...Buz!)  No way I can write about this secret event.  Kind of feels tingly though...Alright, now underneath...(Buz!)  Watch it....(Buz!)...And now to back over to my left sid...

(Zi....Zi...ziii....)

Oh no!  Please say this ain't happening.

(Click?  Click?)

Don't tell me that my razor has ran out of power?!!  NOOOOO!  I'm such a perfectionist, with things like this Joe Dimaggio, there's no way I'm going to be out with just one side of my hot dog bun filled with sesame seeds while the other side is smooth as a baby's bottom.  Talking about embarrassing...I mean, I would have to do everything one sided...Shave only one side of my beard....Only make right turns as I drive///Wearing Madonna's black striped socks on only one of my arms...Oh man!

(Zi-aHHH!  Z-Ahhh.)

This stinks.  I'll just have to wait and let it charge up some.

(So much betta/I'm for you/So, So much betta I'm for you/Tired of being number two/I can do what she can't do)

Oh boy...this is the summation of my life.  Waiting...and waiting some more.  Gets old.  "Tired of being number two, I can do what she can't do", I love this song.  Dude, I just wonder if I'm becoming too much like...a girl.  I'm up here shaving my body, always talking about love and stuff.  I'm still a gangsta guy through and through, and believe u me, I'm totally in touch with my sexuality.  Been around so many sexy girls, I guess some of their habits are bound to rub off on me.  U get to know...females.

(Zi-aHHH!  Z-Ahhhh.)

This is gonna be awhile.  Guess we'll wait it out. My homegurl Lauren, the other day told me I should write about what if I was a girl.  Since we mention quite a bit that  if I was a girl, I'll be something else...Huh.  I don't think I can get to my computer since I got so much hair in my underwear right now.  I'm still a rookie to this shaving thang I guess.  Let me just think about that.  If I were a girl...

If I were a girl...Huh.
Ain't that some kind of thought.
Just tha mentioning of it is interesting,
Like a Title Nine well fought.

If I were a girl...how to begin,
There's a lot of thought in my mind u see.
I can feel parts of my body popping out right now,
This sudden change is becoming so scary to see.

Pop!  What just happened,
My face, my lips, what's going on.
Our eyes once had the fire of a warrior, 
Now they have turned into those of a fawn.

All these curves now, Oh boy,
Seemingly they can go on for days.
They might come in good use on tha beach,
Or at the club, I have my ways.

I'm so freakin' hot!  I know it.
But how come I feel so alone.
Starting to feel like being the most beautiful ain't fair,
I'll do anything to hear a ring from my phone.

Whatever...Can't worry about these other girls,
Been through tha game since I was Eight.
Guys giving me things I didn't ask for,
Still recall Andy giving me HIS entire birthday cake!

Or that one teacher, who didn't believe in me, 
As I sat attentively dead in tha front.
He just thought that beauty and brains simply don't mix,
Being Homecoming Queen and Valley Vic must have been a fixed stunt.

There's so much I have going on in my life,
Just can for once somebody cater 2 me.
Been a few weeks since I've been on a real date,
Whenever guys learn I'm kinda smart, they all flee.

Look at this face, I'm so attractive,
But I wonder if I should get my nose done.
My girlfriend got hers did the other week,
In Columbia, and she even brought home some boy toy fun.

Men, just don't know how easy they got it,
They can just pull down their pants and have their bust down.
I used to dream about being a bust it baby with a baller,
Tell you what, get a STD, and all u will do is cry and frown.

Then my family is so in tune to my whole life,
Who am I dating or when am I gonna have a child.
"U're getting up there honey."...like I don't know,
Yeah, I still am hot sauce, just have a little mix of mild.

Oh, how I'm so hungry right now,
What I would do to have a Chulapa from Taco Bell.
Here in Miami, that would be career ending,
Guys saying how I once was top shelf...now the mighty have fell.

So much...so much going on,
Also considering about all this college stuff too.
Want to go back and get my Master's,
Since my family's falling apart I must be that glue.

My Mom needs my care, 
While brothers and sisters need my listening ear.
It's as if, I don't have any problems of my own,
The closet still holds that Maggy London that I've yet to wear.

That's why I party so much, just because,
I need like 3 hours to just plain and simply get away.
Party at LIV, Mansion or even at Nikki Beach,
Story is my fav on the weekends, no matter what they say.

Going out with tha few friends I do have,
When they fly in from out of town, look out below.
We liven up everywhere we go, believe u me,
Forget TV, where the real life Golden Girls show.

Sometimes I just wonder, how all this happened,
And I'm not even gonna talk about that last guy.
Saw him in the library looking all studious,
Matter of fact I had to make the first move...'Hi.'

He then told me, mysteriously, what he did,
The places he would soon air travel.
Shoulda known right there it was too good to be true,
I even changed my ringtone to the sound of The Undertaker's gravel.

Yours truly ended the relationship,
This guy just wouldn't take no for an answer.
He was so Fast and Furious 2 have me as his own,
Lusting and Lusting like I was some Mitsubishi Lancer.

Now I'm so careful to who I even kiss, 
Let alone who I show my Ta-ta's for.
Speaking of which, I wonder if I should get them bigger,
I like mine, but I'll always have a stop in plastic surgery's door.

Is that all guys think about anyway?
Breasts, Booty, and Sex?
What happened to real guys who knows a real gal?,
U don't ever hear voices anymore...only texts.

'Show me a picture of you', for what,
So that u can brag to ur boys that u got a catch.
How about u send a picture of me to you, that's better,
See if ur 6 pack and my lips would be a perfect match.

I'm such a freek, such a freek,
Yet as a lady I have to hold it in.
Can't show all my cards at one time,
Although that Preacher in church makes me so want to sin.

How come a guy can be so open about his needs,
But if a girl states tha same, she gets socially disowned.
Spring Breaks, nights after the Office Party, of course,
I'm a just a Queen-in-training, shouldn't I still be entitled to tha throne?

Whatever, that's why I workout so hard,
Cuz all these standards to live up too, just make me puke.
People think I'm overdoing the physical,
Not!!  I still get invites from parties thrown by Uncle Luke.

Just tha pressures to be this perfect woman is a lot,
Being on tha clock, feels like a gig with tha Mob.
Dealing with new accounts, dealing with upset customers,
All this wasn't in the description of this supposed to be seasonal job.

"THIS AIN'T EASY!" Gosh..."Leave me Alone.",
I just want 20 minutes to relax with this tea and book.
No questions, no worries about what to wear tonight,
No People En Espanol stating how my age should look.

Yet, as I'm reading, I wonder, 
Should I go out tonight, or stay in and have some wine?
Me with nothing but quiet for the night,
Thinking that would do me so fine.

Let me go to tha fridge, looka here at this calendar,
I guess, two weeks is the magical date.
It'll be that time of the month again,
'Whoopee...as if I can only wait."

My moods are gonna change, my patience will get shorter,
For a few days I'll be just a B-I-T..u know tha rest.
It's amazing that all tha hot guys come around that time,
Why don't they hover around when I'm at my best.

Open this thang up...Nope!  
The Freezer...Great some leftover Blue Bell cream.
Find a spoon, it's just me anyway,
I'll take another one out just in case out pops my manly dream.

Cycling class in the morning, with a Yoga one at night,
These calories I'll have time to work off ever so fast.
Need a moment, I just hope I don't pimple up, 
Tuesday I got a photo shoot revolving around 'Summer School Class.'

Where's my laptop?  I need it right now,
My phone's going off, who cares, they can wait.
If it's important, then they will leave a message, 
Tonight, my schedule is clear and I'm having a "Me Date".

Let me type in...a-u-s-t-i-n-o...
I should have bookmarked this site a long time ago.
My girlfriend told me of this guy who keeps an online diary,
She said it's something like u've never seen, so enjoy the show.

Fun and Love.  I can dig that.
Let me see, another story about a girl slipping through his hands.
He shoulda known by the clues she was giving him,
And now he's complaining he's not in tha game, but in tha stands.

See...See...that's why guys are messed up,
Us women give them every sign they would ever need.
Stares across the bar, Touching their arm in the slightest ways,
Brushing our body against theirs is the ultimate flirtatious deed.

They keep on missing it...and missing it,
Then run to that girl who can barely even tie her own shoe.
Keep running over to those tricks,
When there are so many acrobat moves that I can do.

Doesn't make sense at all, really doesn't,
Maybe I'm meant to be like this forever.
Perhaps I'm a lady who's ahead or before her time,
Dating everywhere is for the slutty and not the cleaver.

Unless...I just be me.  U know.  
And let whatever happens simply be.
Dress how I want to dress, be sultry whenever I feel like it,
Get that tattoo of that Post honeycomb next to that Cheerios bee.

I'm a real woman, despite my age,
The world gravitates to me and others alike.
My presence in a room can turn heads,
The voice of my soul is loud, I mean, who needs a mic?

In some ways, us women are all similar, 
Just the complexities have made us all differ.
Some of us are businesswomen, great teachers,
Others are athletes or pros at holding the Swiffer.

From now on I'm gonna use who I am to my advantage,
Not just be a sex object or a trophy to show to all.
I'm just more than a pretty face u see, 
More than just a cosmetic doll working at the mall.

The most special creature alive,
Who knows the power of her brain and her bush.
I'm 100% woman, and if if u don't like what u see,
U can simply...Kiss my toosh.


(zi-aHHHH!...Z-AHHH!...Z-AHHH!)

Oh man.  (Click!) I must have dosed off again.  (Yawn!)  To be a woman, that would be something.  I guess tha world will never know what kind of things would go through my mind if I was a girl.

I have a strange feeling though that someday... The Galaxy will.


Austina.