(Viewer Discretion Advised)
("And Tiger Woods has just hit his tee shot into the weeds here on the 11th hole.")
Freakin'...I tell ya. He's ok, he's still in the hunt, and they got several more holes to go. You just want to be in a position to be close. That's all. Boy, how I realize that oh too well. Just to be close...Tell ya, you just never know how quickly life can change, u just never know. I figured that out ah...about 9 years ago. Some people may remember or may not that court case that changed the course of the Galaxy. It may not have been as big as Roe v. D. Wade, or The People v. Larry Flynt, or Charlie Brown v. The Board of Education, but still quietly has kept it had a major impact on not only my life, but the lives of others. I pleaded 100% guilty to that crime, which my lawyers told me not to do, but I couldn't go on living for a crime that I did commit. But with that confession, I ended up here...
'HEY, GALAXIA! HERE'S YOUR USUAL. OATMEAL, WITH MILK. ALMONDS ON THA SIDE. HEY, TODAY IS THA BIG DAY! THIS IS A LITTLE SOMETHING TO REMEMBER US BY.'
Thanks, Bubba! What's this...Oh...(Smiling) It's an ink pen! How cute...I mean how cool of them! They know how much I love to write, and how I kept a diary of everything that's been going on. I remember one time my pencil broke, and I didn't know what to do. So during our break, I approached my guy, "Killa Shank" and he told me in this Al Pacino voice, 'Ah...Galaxia...Don't worry about it. I like u kid. U got Chutzpah. I got you.' Next thing I know it, I look over accross "Tha Yard", and I see three guys beating up this other dude. Stomping him, kicking him. Slowly I turned over to Killa Shank, and he's just slowly lighting up a Marlboro. Puff! Puff! He even smoked in such a way that the smoke itself came out in rings. Just pure Swag. After that beating, one of tha three guys came over to Killa Shank, and gave him what they were looking for. Then Killa Shank gave it to me, and said, 'Ah, u needed this kid.' It was an ink pen.
Days in tha slammer, have been wild. Consider all that I've been through, I have a lot of people look out for me. They know tha deal...or the raw deal that I got.
("And Woods and Westwood are still Even after 13 holes.")
Let me wash my face. (Running faucet) See, I could barely even (Rub, Rub!) Get through some...(Rub, Rub!) days I used to just wonder how much longer it was gonna be until people could just see that...Ah, that's better. Grab this towel. If they could just see that the crime I committed wasn't a Hate crime, but a crime out of...
("Woods has just sliced the ball into the Sane Dunes here on tha 14th. I don't know how he's gonna get out of this...")
(Click.) Got to cut tha radio off. Can't take it anymore, he'll be ok. He's Tiger. Where was I, alright, my lawyer slipped me an outfit on today. I've never worn this before, before I got in, all i wore were NBA throwback jerseys, Abercrombie and Fitch bracelets, and tee shirts with the picture of Rachel Bilson on them. Oh, how I miss Summer! Now my guy is telling me to spruce it up some. Like, giving me these Tom Ford sunglasses. He's making sunglasses now. I thought he was still with Gucci? Also, he told me to wear this new suit specially made for me by Ralph Lauren. I like it, purple and black. Then I got a dress shirt by by Sean John. Bracelets by Fendi...It's like I've now become a walking advertisement. All for this special day. Let me see...does it all fit. It does. Alright.
"GALAXIA...WHOA!!! LOOKA HERE! U LOOK GOOD, KID! IF THA WARDEN WASN'T WALKING AROUND HERE, I'D TAKE A PIC AND SEND IT TO MY DAUGHTER! YOU'RE HER FAVORITE PRISONER, U KNOW!"
Thanks...I guess.
"U READY TO TAKE THIS WALK."
Am I ever.
(Clink-Clink!)
This is one of weirdest walks I've had to take ever. You got all the eyes of the other prisioners just scoping you out. Silence. Dead silence. I can sense the hate in their eyes. But they have no idea the price I had to pay all these years in this joint. See they had people come and visit them almost everyday, but me...a letter here, a phone call there, but not too many were really down. I really found out who my true friends were. And tha girls...
('Hey, do ur thing bro.')
I will. Thanks dawg...Tha girls, that's a whole nother story. I guess they are the reason why I'm in here in tha first place. Through here...Cool. Yeah, I've had some of my most basic liberties taken away from me. Felt like I've missed so much. The Big 3 in Miami. Eye've never seen this Lebron guy play live, when I went in there was all this hype, now I hear he plays for my other boys, with tha Heat. My LA boys, wow, tha changes from Shaq/Kobe era to Kobe/Gasol to this? Crazy. So much stuff, I can't wait to get my hands on, like this Galaxy 4 phone. One of my boys has it, and told me it was bonkers, waaay better than this Nokia phone I got. He told me nowadays I could actually get the ringtones of the songs itself. That's cool, because I'm kinda tired of hearing "She Wants To Move" in Monotone.
Alright. And we're out. Over there. Wow! Porsche makes SUV's now? Nice...(Beep...Beep...Beep...Shut!) It just hit me that nobody else who's been up for parole has been treated like this. Usually folks are forced to remain handcuff, and rock their jumpsuits, but they let me go...semi-free. Interesting. Maybe they even know they messed up. Like they created some sort of monster by putting me in prison. Sometimes things meant for bad, end up being good.
Where did all these skyscrapers come from here in Downtown Miami? Future site of SLS Miami...Whahh? Who are they? They are trying to clean this place up big time. Tha Fed Courthouse...Ugggh! Will u look at all these people, and cameras standing out here. A big change from back then. Amazing what a few posts about fun and chicks can do.
(U have to go in tha back. There's too much out here in tha front.)
Alright. And....here we go....There's my family. I gotta go straight inside, and can't talk to them right now. What tha...
(PLEASE EMPTY UR POCKETS INTO THE BUCKET. HANDS OUT WIDE. TURN AROUND. PROCEED.)
These guys take there job waayy to serious. This way, alright. Truly this was tha quick route. Here we are Courtroom Number 1...This place is packed. My lawyer should be inside...there he is sitting down. It's showtime.
"Look here Cindy, I'll get you tha Louboutin's when they go on sale I promise! Alright...I know, I know, I said tha same thang about tha Beyonce tickets, but I bought you the CD, so I thought it was a fair trade! Huh. Screw me?! Look, before you met me, you were making balloons at the PlayPlace at Mickey D's...ya dig. Now that you've been on a few modeling gigs, and attended a few Star Island parties, u now think u can box Matlock Mason in, u got another thing coming, lady...That's why I did you sis..."
Is this seat taken?!
"My brotha! Listen, I'll call you back. I love you too.....Bye." (Bip.) "My brotha."
I see that you are still at it after all these years.
"I gotta leave these Jersey girls alone, they expect too much out me. I give them everything they could want, from boob jobs, to shopping sprees to diamonds...I even once had penguins, FREAKIN' PENGUINS, Galaxia, shipped in up North for this broads birthday. And u know what she told me..."
What's that?
"These are nice, but I want Chilly Willy the Penguin!"
U're crazy...So how does it look?
"You have a shot to get out on today, but a lot depends on who tha judge is. Now some of my guys were hanging out at the bar where Judge Nitwit usually frequents before a big case. They saw him...They put a little Alka-Seltzer (Elbow bump!) into his drink...They followed him home...And let's just say that he won't be on tha case tonight. Which could be good or could be bad?"
Like how good or bad?
"Like Rihanna walking down the Red Carpet Good...."
Or...
"U becoming a cross-dresser, and walking down the Red Carpet."
Yikes. Yikes.
(ALL RISE. THE HONORABLE...JUDGE...FOREVER A. NITWIT IS NOW PRESIDING.)
Psst! Dude, I thought u said ur boys took care of all this? U need to hire some better help!
"This guy's first name is Forever A......Wow!"
Matlock Mason, did u hear what I just said?!! We're a freakin' sinking ship dude.
"Relax...Relax...watch what I do. This is about to be a show like no other. Hey, this is why you pay me tha big bucks. I'll be back, I gotta go up here and rap to tha Judge. Don't worry, I gotcha."
I hope u put on a show worthy of a Vegas showcase...cuz I can't go back. I can sense that our life is about to be free and open like never before...I can't go back...I just can't.
Austino Galaxia.
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