Nickel, would you hold tha camera right,
Your zooming in too close on my pimple.
'But Sis, your driving this Porsche way too fast,
Plus, this back seat is cramping my leg, why can't this ever be simple?'
Whatever, just do your job like tha last time,
We're in tha big leagues now so you better not mess up dude.
Get me and my girl, Skates doing our Jersey Shore Party thang,
When we get to that spot, ur gonna have to stay in tha car...sorry for being so rude.
Now...Is tha thing on? Are we shooting right now?
'Alright, Sis, you got about 3...2...1....And...'
HEYYYY!!!! It's your girl, Ashley, and we are about to party hardy,
It's my 18th Birthday, and we are now hitting tha South Beach sand!
As usual, I got my girl, Skates with me,
Homie, say something to tha folks behind that camera lens.
"Yo."....Don't sweat her being so short of words,
She's upset that we haven't gone skateboarding, and that we're not riding in a Benz.
Then behind tha One's and Two's, you got my little brother, Nickel,
He's in tha backseat, making sure he gets all of our best sides.
This is gonna be one like, crazy adventure just watch,
Matter of fact, Skates we should go skinny dipping at tha pool at Hyde.
"Like, totally, I'm down...You know me Ash...
I came with you to make memories, and show off my new tattoo."
U talking about tha Panda above ur belly button?
"No, Ash, I had that one...My new one is of Mickey Mouse smoking some Bamboo!"
Gurl, give me some, (Hi-Five exchanged),
Told you my Ex-boyfriend at LA Ink would hook you up right.
"Yeah, Ash, you say he loved us Valley girls, that we are his fantasy,
He just did tha job, and his only request was that I make out with him later that night."
Soooo....how was it? Did you give him some tongue action?
'Ashley, I'm too young to be hearing about kissing, that's so yuk!'
Listen up, Nickel, just mind your business and keep tha camera rolling,
If you say another word, I'll knock ur teeth out, and have ur smile looking like a hockey puck!
Go ahead, Skates, continue on what happened next,
"Like totally...So he dropped his needle, and gave me tha look...U know of desire.
I was a little nervous because I really don't know this guy,
But how can I resist a guy with a pierced tongue, and a tat of tha La Bamba guy spitting fire.
So..." What Skates, what is La Bamba, and who is that guy?
Is that some kind of street performer I see on tha corner of Rodeo or Melrose?
"Like Totally, No, Ash...Gosh, u are sounding so like rich girl right now,
I told your mom it was a mistake taking you shopping for those one-of-a kind boutique clothes.
Like, Totally, Anyway, he gave me that I want you look,
Just like Little Tommy gave me at that party thrown by Britney two weeks ago."
Yeah, girl, I was watching him, and was like, I know he ain't trying to kiss my gurl,
We only date guys who drive Italian cars, and this guy showed up in his Mom's 1986 Volvo.
Continue, Skates..."Ok, Like Totally I will,
So he walks up on me, and is like...Now it's time to pay with that kiss...
Gurl, I laid one on him so good, I felt his jeans begin to extend out,
Then I heard drips on tha ground, Ash, and no lie this guy was totally starting to take a..."
Like Ew!! Skates!!!...EWWW!!!
I can't believe he would take a leak right in tha middle of ur kissing flirt.
"Acutally, he didn't Ash...Totally he didn't...
The roof began to leak on top of us...and we had to take off our shirts."
Ok...Ok...Nickel, cut tha camera and put in your headphones,
Me and my gurl have to talk, it's nothing personal just some Gurl code.
'But Ash...why do you always stop me when I'm at tha best part,
I'm so tired of playing Super Mario, and never getting past tha demo mode.'
This will only take a second alright...
So u took of ur shirts and he did what to you?
"He...Pssst...Pssst...Pssst...Pssst...with his tongue,
And...Psst...Pssst...Pssst...I told him I was Twenty-Two.
Then he unzip my...Pssst...Pssst...Pssst..."
Did he?..."Like Totally, he...Psst...Pssst..and took me over by tha hidden bar.
He put some whip cream right on my...Pssst....Pssst...Psssst...
And right when he was about to Pop my Cherr...LOOK OUT ASH UR ABOUT TO HIT A CAR!!!"
(Errrrrrr!!!!!) That was close, like really close,
Got caught up in this story, that I took my eyes off of tha road.
Skates, you are so lucky to hook up with him, he's such a hottie,
"Like Totally He Is."...How come I keep on ending up with these broke losers and toads.
Nickel, you can take your headphones off now, alright,
This is a good time to start tha camera up, cuz we stuck in traffic.
Give me a introduction like you did before,
Cuz I got a very strong bone that I need to pick.
'Ok, Sis...Just let me hit tha red start button, Alright...
My. Sister. And her friend. Are. Tha. Coolest girls in Town.
Whenever my puppy begins to cry, They play Justin Tim...'
Nooo Stupid??!! Not that intro...I'm talking about a simple countdown!!
'Ooops...4...3...2...1...And you're on.',
Geez, Ok, Finally we are back, just had to get in some girl talk.
Me and my girl Skates needed 2...(Honk! Honk!) Like totally W-T-F?
HEY, I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE CAN'T U SEE THA TRAFFIC...Y DON'T U JUST WALK?
Sorry, I may be Valley girl on tha outside,
But believe you me, I can be straight hood if need be.
Getting back to tha subject at hand, I need to call somebody out, once again,
Somebody who got totally on my last nerve during tha year 20 One Three.
First I want to thank tha 20 Million Viewers who look at our first video,
Tha one where Me and Skates told you how we felt about guys.
We gave u how we know all about their tricks they try to pull on us Princesses,
Like going to KFC, and looking at us girls as they tell tha cashier....I prefer thighs.
I mean, like, is a 10-Piece Grilled Weekend Bucket, gonna make me put it on you,
Like...A gal like me has standards before we put tha sock over tha door knob.
European Sports car, of course, along with Cookie Butter from Trader Joe's,
And you have to be able to get into all tha parties thrown by tha hottest Kardashian...Rob.
But as we told you some time ago, and it still holds true,
Skates, tell 'em..."Zzzzzz...Whew....Zzzzzzz....Whew..."
Wait...SKATES WAKE UP! I gave you your cue...
This is a rented car too, so u need to stop all of your One Direction drool.
"Oh...I'm Sorry Ash, Like I'm Totally Sorry...
Just give me a moment...Ok...WE TOTALLY HATE GUYS!! How was that?"
Perfect Gurl, just like we practiced it at LAX before we left,
After this video our pockets are about to get even more fat!!
There was one guy in particular that I absolutely couldn't stand last year,
Skates tell them how bad I hate this Austino Galaxia fellow.
"Totally...So like, um...Ok Totally, we would read his posts on this fake love stuff,
Then Ash would get some paint..." What color Skates?..."It was Yellow."
Yes, Austino Galatico...Galtiescia...or whatever you call urself,
I would get Yellow paint and throw it at tha computer screen.
Skates tell them how many computers I went through...
"Well...Best Buy said forty-five, but the Geek Squad didn't care cuz they said u look so sexy when ur mean."
Forty-Five Times you made me go bonkers,
Just because you would talk about how there are guys who treat a girl like me ever so well.
Trust me, to get with this now 18 year old should be a flat out crime,
Guys can't handle all this hotness...They begin to stalk me...That's why three of them are in Jail!
"Isn't tha lawyer guy, Zack Horowitz, supposed to get out soon?"
I think so...He's just chomping at tha bit to see me in my birthday suit.
(YOU-ARE-FIVE-MILES-AWAY....FROM YOUR DESTINATION.)
Yeah, but guys just want to bag us hot girls, and then give us tha simple boot.
"Ash, like totally did you read his last post."
Skates...I Luv you so much, cuz that's was just what I was about to talk about.
So what's up now, Austino Galaxia, cat or should I say Pussy got ur tongue,
We hear that u've finally met ur match, and she made u shut up all ur crazy Luv and Fun shout.
Wanting to be friends with a girl who has a boyfriend...
(Smacking of the lips) How come so-call hot guys always want what they can't get?
They think that just because the entire world...."Actually, it's like Galaxy, totally it is Ash."
Who's side are you on Skates? Let me handle this part, on this I gotta throw a fit.
See, me and my girl Skates have been around your types, Austino,
Ever since tha age we got those Platinum Edition Easy Bake Ovens.
You think because you are on tha football team or are President of tha Student Council,
That automatically makes u tha sexiest guy around...GALAXIA, YOUR NAME AIN'T McLOVIN!!
So you think that money can get u anythang, like an extra cookie in tha cafeteria,
Or you can flirt your way to an extra bag of French Fries from Big Bernice.
You don't study in class, because you feel like you got an "A" just on ur looks alone,
Perhaps it's your arrogance of having tha hottest 'Teachers Only' Thanksgiving Feast.
Am I right Skates?..."Totally Ash, You're right."
'Sis...this battery is beginning to blink like it did last time.'
Nickel, if I have to say one more thing to you, I'm gonna go hashtag 'cray' on you alright,
Hold tha camera steady, and trust me, everythang will be fine.
So you know what girls like us do to you Busters...
We just messed with your head, because we can get to you, even in your dreams.
See we can see it in ur eyes, that you want to be with a girl like us,
Tell me, is it because we are the ultimate party toy? Or because u want top shelf Ice Cream?
"Wait...Ash...Is that?"....See, I ain't no Blue Bell, No Sirree,
I'm tha kind that you have to pay top dollar to bag.
"Like Totally, Ash, that didn't come out right what u totally just said."
Ooops...let me say it ain't cheap to have me Sext u a pic of me wrapped up in our high school flag.
"Ummm...X-I-A License Plate...Purple Car...Hey Ash...I think..."
And another thang why do guys always ask, Can I buy you a drink?
Ok, I got this fake ID from my gurl's Black Sheep cousin up in Washington State,
Just so I can come to this bar, to clear my head with Harry Potter books, and exchange silly winks?
You better give me some Black Label, just like in those parties in tha Hollywood Hills,
Preferably, with the keys to your Lambo parked out in tha driveway, for me to give a test ride.
And then with you wanting me to help u with ur homework..."Hey, Ash...Look...
You ain't gonna believe this, but Austino Galaxia is like totally right next to us on your right side!"
Ooooh in tha Holy names of Selena Gomez and Paris Hilton, we about to get it in tonight,
Nickel, you better get all of this u hear me...'But Sis, tha battery is running low.'
(Nickel is being grabbed by collar) U listen hear pip squeak, u get everythang, u got it,
If you don't, then I promise you, I'm never gonna take u again to a sold-out Justin Bieber show.
How's my makeup, Skates...How do I look?
"Hot Ash...You always look totally hot...and you know he goes for your type."
Yeah, I know tan gurls, who are fit, with salt and pepper blond hair,
After taking a look at this fine Mex-Americana, he's gonna be wanting to hit tha crack pipe.
"Ash...He's taking off...Follow him...Follow him..."
I got him, here we go, we got him now, we're at this stoplight on Fifth Street.
"Roll down the windows, Ash, like tell him what u've been wanting to tell him,
How his love and like fun campaign is fake, and how he's totally tha ultimate creep!"
I got this...HEY AUSTINO GALAXIA, I KNOW YOU HEAR ME...
"Ohhh...Nickel, your sister is about to totally go off...this should totally be titiled, Wrath of A Hot Teen."
YEAH, I KNOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM, AND I TOTALLY HATE YOU!
U MAY ME GO THROUGH FORTY-FOUR..."Forty-Five."...FORTY-FIVE FREAKIN' SCREENS!
YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE THIS ULTIMATE PLAYBOY, WITH SOME CRAZY STORIES,
LISTEN, FOOL, NOBODY WANTS TO READ YOUR POETRY, STICK TO THA BASICS.
YOU AIN'T NO SHAKESPEARE...SURE AIN'T NO JIGGA OR EMINEM,
IF I WAS A DIARY COP, I'LL PULL YOU OVER, AND GIVE YOU 10 STUN GUN TASES!!
"Ash, that's totally not a word."...Shut up, Skates, let me just do my thang...
AND I'M TIRED OF ALL OF YOUR MISSPELLED WORDS...DID U EVEN GO 2 SCHOOL?!!
ALL THIS JIBBERISH, ABOUT KOOL, OR HOMEGURL, JUST TOO GHETTO,
THEN U WONDER WHY GIRLS PLAY U AROUND THEIR FINGER....UR SUCH A FOOL!
"Oh...Like totally snap Nickel!! Are you getting this on film?
Your sister is totally giving it too Austino Galaxia here at this stoplight...
Ash, uh-oh...Ash...Why is she so quiet all of a sudden...?"
So, Galaxia, you love that I put in some blond streaks as highlights.
Well, I'm from LA....Oh, you love California girls...
How old am I?? Well, on today, I just turned twenty-four.
"Wait a minute, Ash, what happened to telling him off like u said?"
I'm sorry, but he said he never seen such a hottie screaming at him from a moving car door.
I....I....think I might go and talk to him,
He's pulling over to tha side right up there before Ocean Drive.
"Ash...Like totally, and really...after all we've been through?"
I'm sorry, but...Hey, I'll try to be back at tha hotel before 5.
(Click...Ding...Ding...Ding...Shut!!) "There she totally goes...
She's making a big mistake...although she's totally gonna be another one in a long line of dames.
Shaking her hips, like she just met that guy of her dreams,
I mean, like totally Nickel, he's had so many, that when he writes he doesn't even remember their names.
You can cut tha camera off, Nickel, and hop in tha front seat,
Might as well forget tha club, like totally and just go back to tha Ritz.
Boy, this completely sucks! Like totally...
What do you think about all this Nickel, I mean is she crazy or just sick?"
'Well, Skates, there is only one thing that I've learned from this whole thang,
Something that I learned, even at my early age.
I'm gonna give you a secret that you can't tell anybody else,
So don't be shouting this to nobody, not even on you Drama Club stage.
My sister is hot, and she is curious about this kid,
After reading so much, she can't help but jump in his car when given a chance.
I don't know too much about love, but one thing I have noticed at my school parties...
Those who sing about Luv and Fun...Are never without a partner who wants to enjoy a dance.'
"And Galaxia's song perhaps is tha best I've heard...or tha best that we may ever hear again...Totally."
Once again, this has been an Ashley, Skates and Nickel Production.
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