Hold Tha Rice!!

Well, Mom, this day has finally arrived,
Tha one where my name is finally gonna change.
No more Spanish pronunciation to worry about,
Now I'm marrying somebody out of NASA's viewing range.

Can you believe it Mama, after all these years,
Remember that guy in high school who couldn't even open a door?!
Just look around this place, it's so beautiful,
Every network is covering this event...we even had to leave out CBS 4.



'Now, now, Cupcake, don't get all big headed right now,
Just because people have an interest in u two as a couple.'
But Mom, it's tough not 2 get caught up in all tha madness,
I mean, with us on tha cover of People Magazine...weekly sales went 4 times double.

Besides, u gotta to admit, Mother, and I want ur honest answer,
We do make a good team, wouldn't you say, so?
(Huff!) 'I don't know, he's seems like a nice guy, I guess,
But I didn't like how he treated ur sister's Quience...Her Mercedes was supposed 2 be blue.

Then he got to talking about ur Auntie Carlita Ann's rice dish,
Complaining on tha taste, and how he preferred Goya beans...how that would've done tha needed trick.
Everytime we get together, and he comes over to our home he has a problem,
It's at a point whenever Little Pepe, our small pooch hears his name, he just rolls over like he's sick.'

Madre, C'mon...'NO!!...NO!!...NO!!
This is your wedding day, but I need to get all this out, and clear tha air.
Now can I talk 2 u Mother 2 Daughter, just like we used to do?'
I...I...guess Mom, I think I need my girl Rosa to bring me up a Corona beer.

Hold on, Mom...I'm calling Rosa up....Hey, Girl, I need ur help,
Yep!  Big Mami is going off, just like u said last night at La Carreta.
(Laughter)  Ha! Ha! You already knew huh...
Yeah, let's turn this out, so u better bring two 12-packs, that would be betta!

Ok!  Peace out Homie!....She's bringing up some suds in a little bit,
'What's all this Homie stuff?  I didn't raise you to use those words of such.
Is all that hanging around with this Starship guy rubbing off on you,
If ur Nana hears u talk like that, she would raise a huge old school Spanish fuss.

She would be using words that I wouldn't even know,
Be walking in here talking like George Lopez hadda met Eddie Murphy, alright.
U thought tha whooping u got for stealing ur sister's Bratz doll was something,
I think u woulda been picking urself off tha floor, like u were in a Julio Cesar Chavez fight!

Nina...what I'm about to tell you is just what I've been hearing,
About this so-called future Son-In-Law, who's taking my baby through this Galaxy space.
You have about 10 minutes until showtime, but u got 2 hear this,
There's a saying..."A Drunk Hombre should always fall on tha opposite of his face."'

Mom, what in tha worl...(Shhh!) 'This is my time now...
Word around the nail salon is that this guy ur marrying is nothing but a huge flirt.
I see it with my own eyes, like when he came over for New Year's Day dinner,
Rubbing on Fawn's big, round....'...MOM!!!...'...Whatever...u saw her cheeks through tha skirt.

I was with my sister, Maria...' ...Which one Mami?
'Oh, I forgot... tha older one, who's dating that former gangsta rapper from tha LBC.
I got a sister who thinks she's really dating Snoop Dogg's 3rd Lost Cousin,
And a daughter who I got to take a lift off in a Space Shuttle just to come and see how she be.

Anyways, we would just watch him, and you know Maria can read men,
Her days living as a "Red Light Pedestrian Watcher" in Acapulco, has done her well.'
But Mom, I thought as a kid, u told me she just made money whispering, while in red lipstick and high heels,
'Oooh, she did some whispering alright...How do u think she paid for her Miss Fat Booty surgery bill!

Aye Yai Yai!  So we would just watch, u know...ur Man, I guess,
And how he would interact with all tha women in tha room.
Speaking to them, giving hugs whenever somebody looked down,
He even talked to Maria...' Which one?...'Tha younger one...she came flying in on a her witch broom.'

Mom, u shouldn't talk about your sisters like that,
When me and my Papi, have kids we aren't gonna bring them around you with that talk.
'Listen, Chica, u better not keep my grand babies away from me,
U can teach them all about soul food, but I'LL MAKE SURE there's Numeros in their Hop Scotch chalk.'

(Knock, Knock, Knock!!) 'Oh, here we go...'
"Is this where tha fiesta is at?!!!  HEYYYY! (Smooch!  Smooch!)
'Rosa, are u just so loud wherever you go, I mean, this ain't tha place,
Always in Calle Ocho party mode 24/7...I mean, do u ever stop shaking ur toosh.'

Mom, this is my homegurl...Ok, besides,
She's been with me through thick and thin, when I felt alone.
'Whatever, she's been a bad influence on u, and I've always told you that,
She's only into herself, I mean, how many Selfies can you literally keep taking on ur 2nd generation Iphone?!'

"Listen, Big Mami, (Hand Motion) I'm about 2 blow up real soon and become famous,
I mean Sebastian and Wale , almost picked me to be lead in their last video shoot."
'So what happened, Miss Next Big Thang?'
"They said I'm too beautiful, and be too distracting walking around just one sneeze away from my b-day suit.

But that's life though, and I've heard that ever since I was five,
That's why I'm so happy, that my gurl here, has found tha Papi of her dreams."
Awww, thank...'Papi??  Who are u kidding around her,
He only speaks Spanish whenever he wants to dip into her Apple Bottom jeans.

All of a sudden he turns from Cain, or Caynenne...'(Huge Blow) Kayne, Mom.'
'U know who I'm talking about, from him into this fake Cassanova from tha streets of San Juan.'
Mom, would u leave him alone, he's totally not like that...
"Yeah, Big Mami, besides from what I hear, I would like to get a twirl from his night stick Paton!

You know what I'm saying gurl, (Hi-Five's Exchanged), he's ur man and all,
But Ah...I will be more than willing to be arrested, and he can throw away every-single-key!"
Oh, Rosa, trust me, tha other night was so special, and he wrote tha cutest love note...it read:
Babe, I'm gonna make ur Starburst...and show u a whole new meaning of tha Milky Way Galaxy!

'Ah-heem!  Ah-heem!  We got about 5 minutes until this sham, and Nina...
I'm gonna be honest...I don't want you to marry this guy, he's a flat out creep.
U know I read his blog...'...It's a diary, Mom!!...'...In his stupid, BLOG...
About his taste for McChicken's...And how one day he's gonna take a bite into one so deep.

This is tha kind of man, I raised you to marry?
A guy who ultimate dream is of fast food, and who's taking my daughter to live in tha sky?
To make matters worse, when u first brought him over, it was hyped like a visit from Julio Iglesias,
He just ate, watched some Sabado Gigante in my La-Z-Boy mind you, looking all confused and shy.'

That's because u were talking so much in Spanish, and talking so loud,
And I told you...'LOOK!! That's how we talk...U telling me that now u are ashamed.
Oh!..(Hand Motion)...Oh!...(Hand Motion again)...Has he got you brainwashed?!!
Next, ur gonna tell me that New Edition was better than Menudo!  Y u put me through this game.'

"Yo!! I know u all are having a special Madre/Daughter moment right now,
But for real...YOLO!...U need to get on these Coronas, tha limes are on point like a can of Slice."
'ROSA! Will u please stay out of family business, this has nothing to do u...Tramp.'
Mom, u shouldn't have..."Whahh?? I do know female thugs u know..and all I got to do is just name a price."

"Hey, don't let all this Coral Gables jewelry fool you, Ok!!
I was born from tha streets, and I have no problem in giving u a star role on Yo Soy Betty, La Fea."
STOP IT!  JUST STOP IT!! This is getting ridiculous...
U guys need to chill out...'YEAH!  Before I bust her head wit this Corona, like a true playa!'

Rosa...please, relax, suck on that lime over there,
And be a good gurl...'But...'...As a friend, please, I just need to think.
'Alright, gurl, I'm gonna chill out...just because it's you,
But if u need my help, u need not say a word, just give a head nod and a simple left-eye wink.'

"Listen, your my daughter, and I love you,
And you're so beautiful that u can get with any man you shall choose.
This guy, he's all about Fun and Luv sure, but...
As u get older, he's gonna find another Senorita, and then u'll be singing tha Buenos Aires blues.

Don't marry him...He isn't right for you at all,
Stick with somebody who can at least understand...Como Te Llamas?
He's only with you, because u look good and ultra sexy,
Speaking of which, how come for this Wedding, u aren't wearing any Panty Pajamas?"

I...I...Love U...Mom...I just...(Knock, Knock, Knock.)
Who could be knocking on tha door....COME IN!
(Sorry to interrupt u ladies, but I have some bad news,
And unfortunately I don't know where to begin.)

"Hey...U want a Corona, I got about two bottles left...and 4 limes left...and.."
Shhh!!! Be quiet Rosa...Go ahead, Padre, what do u have to say?
(Well, U soon-to-be husband hasn't shown up here as of yet,
And it's getting close to showtime...Now is not tha time to play.)

(Sniff!  Sniff!)  Come on Austino Galaxia, Come on...Where are you?
'Ahhh...I know u think that he's a Love god and all , but u gonna have to cry to higher Help.
We got it from here Padre, thanks and please, grab a Corona on ur way out,
As u can see, Little Miss Rosa has drunk about 10...walking down that aisle she's sure to miss a step.'

Mom...not now...I...I don't know what to do...
He loves me doesn't he...I mean, all those rumors cannot be true.
"As I told you as a little gurl, a man never knows tha steps to love...
Tha lyrics are hard to remember, but when tha dance begins, he will begin to catch Amor's Flu.

"This is a sign, that he's not tha man for you, as I have said,
U shoulda married that Millionaire from Lima...he was gonna give u tha world and so much."
Yeah, but he had gurls from here all tha way to tha Southside of Chicago...
Besides, he wouldn't fight for me...I can't trust a man, who I don't think would ever throw a punch.

No...No...this is tha man for me, I just know it...
Austino Galaxia...You got about Dos Minutos to show or I'm gonna be a feisty little kitty...
Rosa, pass me a Corona and a lime...(Surrrp!) He better show...
Cuz on today I can honestly say...Or else...

...This truly ain't gonna be pretty.


(To Be Continued...)


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