Another night in our diary, huh. Where O where do we begin...We've been in a flat out Tupac "Me against The World" attitude as of late. I don't know. It's just like I've been feeling like "enough is enough" of some of tha things that's been happening in our life, and tha feeling like no matter what we do, isn't good enough. I have a pretty cool life, but...this ain't where I want to stay. I feel like God has blessed us with so many things, talents, and more importantly the love of fun and life. And we just are a tad frustrated that we have to continue to go through this process night in, and night out....week after week...month after month...year after year...decade after decade.
I guess I just want to much out of life. I believe that the sky's tha limit just like Biggie said. We believe that things all happen for a reason. When u keep on pushing and pushing, and have to find motivation where there isn't any, or when u have to contrigate (That ain't even a word.) a mirage to make u feel like things are gonna change, that's when u think, why keep on going. This ain't gonna be no depression type post, but it's time for somebody to tell it like it is. There may be some cuss words in this, who knows what I'm gonna write, but this diary is ours, and I'm gonna tell it like we feel.
Throughout this process we always talk about the steps you have to go through to get to that ultra-level. The talking is tha easy part, but once u're going through the process, it's pure madness. Being uncomfortable means that you are growing, I understand that, but our life has been so crazy. Sometimes it feels like "Everybody" looks at us in this strange way. I was in bed the other day, and was thinking about how much of this "boy toy" image we have with people. It's crazy. From people older than us, for dag gone sure from people who are younger than us. We're humble and are this ultimate kid in all ways, I guess, but sometimes u just wonder, if me being a "kid" in heart or being nice is really paying off. Should I have, or not have cuz I already own it, but should I wear my Swagger on my sleeve more. Maybe I should just cut people off when I don't wanna hear about their problems. Perhaps I should approach every chick I see and just be like, "I Wanna Do You.", it seems like all these things are seemingly what is getting tha job done nowadays. That's what gets u tha cash, what gets u laid, gets u tha fancy cars and trips, so...
Today I was at tha Triple A for tha Heat/Bulls game. This whole weekend has been beyond my comprehension really. I woke up on Saturday morning, and went to that Lakers Comcast Network website, on as it loaded up, I saw our guy Kobe Bryant grabbing his leg, with the caption of a torn ACL over tha pic. I literally didn't say a word for almost 25 minutes. Although I love the Heat, as they have helped paid our bills for tha last seven years, them Lakers are our squad as well. And this was just...mindblowing. Still can't believe that I'm not gonna see my boy for at least 6 months. It ain't gonna be tha same. So after watching like an hour's worth video and articles trying to see what's up. So we were, and am still, a little disturbed by this. I felt tha same when Derek Jeter fell to tha ground for tha Yankees last year, and had to be carried off that field...I don't wanna even talk about it....
So u had that....then we had a trip up to Broward County, to do some shopping. More like a sneak preview really. We found some good music for good deals. Which I really believe nobody is getting stuff like we are...anywhere. We are getting everything from Jessica Simpson to Santana to Randy Crawford to Nelly Furtado to Pebbles, I'm not on a "who's popular tip", but we are straight up on a "DJ" crate tip, where we are fulfilling a lot of music that I never had. I was listening to that Train Drops of Jupiter album from a while back. U talking about good music! Then as we were up in the Sunrise area late last night, I was listening to that old Blackstreet Finally album. I was hearing some songs I hadn't heard in a mighty long time. We are into music dude. Not just a genre, or Hip Hop or R&B...it's serious. I freaking love European Pop like tha Spice Girls or Kylie Minogue, and we love smooth jazz like Boney James or Fourplay (I wonder why!), but it's serious dude. I probably should become a real DJ on tha one's or two's...I should.
I have to say this Kathy and Ms. Liz it was awesome seeing u up at tha Triple A today, it's becoming tha joint to see all of Miami, and it's been awhile, but great to share some hugs and kisses....But I think one thing that has us frustrated up above, and just pee o'd for 80% of the weekend is two things. One, the fire of having to continually prove urself time and time again, especially for a guy like us, just burns so deeply now, that it's ridiculous. I remember Phil Jackson, the legendary hoops coach talk about how u have to be egotistically obsessive about winning a championship to actually win one. I think that's why things have happened...Here's a quote for somebody who's going through similar things...Gary Vitti, the trainer of the Lakers was asked a question about Kobe, and he replied that he told Kobe, "Here's another challenge...Basketball comes too easy for you...And you need this..."
That got me to thinking about our life. Perhaps, and I'm gonna write this thang tonight. Be my guest and stop reading if u don't wanna hear this. I don't give a care really...Perhaps, things come too easy in our life, and God above gives us areas which we seem not to crack to build our character to that...level. The one where ur motivated beyond compare, the level where nothing can stop you, the level where u appreciate things and women and a good check, more than u would if u didn't have that adversity. I'm always talking about having my "own era" on this Earth. Like Elvis or The Beatles or Gary Coleman or Seinfeld, that period where everything that we touch is gold. Now, Austin, don't u figure if u wanna have the ultimate prize, then u sure as Hades are gonna have to endure the ultimate trials? You're name is Galaxia, meaning you want to have the Galaxy revolve around you, so don't you think that you character is gonna have to be at a certain level for that to happen? It's like freakin' wanting to be a lawyer. There are some prerequisites....
I'm starting to feel it, so let me go tonight...
For u to be a lawyer there are some prerequisites that you have to go through before you can get that title. You have to go through years, not F'ing days, but years of sacrificing and taking test after test after test. And not going to the club, cuz u have to be ready for the next days class...Or perhaps not shopping all day Saturday cuz u know come Monday you're gonna have to be ready. Then after u've taken all those tests, and let all those years go by when ur friends are doing their own thing (Somebody's feeling me right now I know it.), then u still have a test to past. The Bar Exam. And all those other tests don't mean a dilly pooh, if u don't past that. Now if that's what it takes to become Matlock, then how much more do you want to do if you want to change a world in a way that hasn't been changed in that last 2 thousand, thirteen years and 4 months and fourteen days. YOU MUST GO THROUGH IT!
C'mon Austino, get urself together. U say that ur tha best, and that there's nobody like you, then freaking prove it.
Let's get personal even more...So that was one thing, our fire burning uncontrollably controllable. Then two, we begin to think that the path that we've had to go through can no way...let me erase that...The end goal can no way be worth the road that's led me to that goal. What do u mean Galaxia? Well, we are or began to think that the road has been more difficult than the goal will be good. Let me give u an example...
Ok. I always talking about girls and love, and dating. And how there isn't too much, and after this weekend NOTHING that I haven't been through. So...I can look at this two ways. One, I can be like this is some Horse mess that I gotta go through all these steps when others are getting theirs without having to experience some or any of the lessons that we have. It's like how can like 99% of tha females that we meet, want us, or want to screw us, or be around us, but for unheralded complex complications (I.E.-Boyfriend, or Girlfriend, or Married or Leaving The Country), can't. And then the ones that you may present an opportunity with, end up being in that 1% that's not meant for you for some reason or another. I mean think about that...
There are 100 girls over the world. 99 of them like you. But u keep on finding that 'one' who doesn't. That can mess with your mind, like, "Hold up, now." I got this girl who's modeled all over Europe, who realizes what we bring to tha table, but has a boyfriend which is cool, but if things were different, she'll be with us. And then u have this girl who doesn't take care of herself, always complaining about nobody wanting to be with her, then u come around trying to brighten her day, not by sleeping with her, but just to take her mind away, and she tells you, "No".
And u wonder why I preach, "Always go up in relationships, and never go down."
That hasn't nothing to do with money either.
That's one way of looking at ur experiences. Another one is to look at it in tha sense that I've paid my dues, and anything that comes my way is truly gonna be a blessing, but tha paying of tha dues is worth it. So this weekend, I was thinking, I really, really open tonight, I began to look ahead some like there can't be any woman who can be worth all the trials and crazy episodes that I've been through. Like, I don't know if that girl even exists. And once u begin to think like that, u begin to look within. Ok. It must not take this high standard of living to get what u want. Maybe I should...
Cut corners.
Instead of me wanting to eat right, and exercise like a Pro Athlete,...C'mon Jodeci sing this "ish" tonight! I need it...trying to help people, attempting to have fun when ain't nobody else is on that tip, basically instead of being true to yourself, and come up empty...
Why not just be "normal" like everybody else. Why not, not speak to strangers, why not walk away from somebody when they need a listening ear, why not say "beep it" and not strive to better urself over and over again, if doing it that way let's u come up...full.
For real. I have high standards of myself. Forget everybody else's standards of me, they can never reach what I think of myself, cuz they're the highest ones out there. My Moms told me something a while ago, and I love my Moms so much, but I just couldn't comprehend it. Moms told me something to the effect of us perhaps being at the highest level we're gonna be at. And to be satisfied with that. Simple told to us, because we have been blessed more than a lifetime with others. I mean, I was at Target up at Sawgrass, and I've never seen so many people of all ages, riding around in these small motor buggies. And here I am, I can walk, I can run, I can workout whenever I want, I live in tha ultimate neighborhood of South Beach...I talked to somebody today at tha Heat game, and he was calling from Kansas City, Missouri. And he was a big Miami fan, especially of The Heat, and he was talking about how "I bet Miami is nice." There's somebody, somewhere who would like to drive around for 20 minutes to find a parking space in South Beach. There's somebody who would love to work for a sports team. There's somebody who is paying Uncle Sam in taxes, and would love to get back hundreds of dollars...WE'RE BLESSED DUDE!
But on that same token, as I told Moms, I know this isn't the end goal that we've been prepared for. It's like Lebron winning his upteenth MVP award last year. That was cool, fine and dandy, but he wanted...
The Ring.
That's how I feel, right now. And I do mean NOW! When I write that there's a sense of urgency on our life, not because of our age (I never freakin' get old anyway), but just because u reach a point where u ain't gonna take anymore, and u need to show who you truly are, and show what u've practicing, and how u've been practicing for the last upteeth years, while u've been waiting for ur chance to shine. And the thang that woke us up this weekend, or more specifically like an hour and 15 minutes ago, is that u need to have things happen in order to get that kick in tha butt. Especially me.
I may not say it, but we write it, how I think I'm one of the most egotistical people you'll ever me. "Why is this person driving so...close...to...us." or "How dare this girl decline my offer, when if she knew what was really up, she should be begging to even be in our presence." I'm keeping it real, maybe too real, but I ABSOLUTELY KNOW somebody else thinks these things as well. If not, then I have no problem being tha only one. Let's go Madcon sing this joint! I'm confident in many ways, but that confidence comes from the trials we've been through. There's different ways to get swagger u know. U can try to buy it...That won't last. You can "fake it to you make it"...That has a better chance of lasting...But u can also get swagger from the difficult times. This is partially how I get it, and I suggest u do too. I mean, if I gotta go through all this mess, from going through interviews u know ur qualified for but get a...Fudge, don't even get a "no thank-you"...Or put up with people running in and out of ur life like a song by The Gap Band, then I must be something special that God sees to allow me to endure through all that. Sometimes I get upset like this has to be some kind of joke right. That may be...Oh boy...That might be why I'm gonna be so comfortable being in tha large spotlight in tha future, cuz my life has been entertainment for some many Angels up in Heaven. If I can perform for them, it ain't nothing to perform for anybody else.
So how are u gonna handle it Pooh Dizzle?
You want the best...You're gonna have to go through the hardest route to get it. You can't be so concerned with what or who somebody else has cuz their desires might not be tha same of yours. When they go to New York, they just might be cool seeing The Empire State Building. As to where, when u go, u want the State Building, Times Square, Brooklyn Bridge and of course Seventh Ave. So for you to compare urself to others, when they may have something that's just for them, and not for you. Or even, u don't know how long or what they went through legally or illegally to get what they have...For you to compare where ur at, and what u've been through with others is so uncivilized. I mean, you set tha standards, you don't meet them, you set them. Yeah...
And always remember that just because it rains on Saturday night doesn't mean it's gonna be raining on Sunday morning. What is doesn't necessarily mean it will always be. There was a line that keep running through our soul this weekend, and this ain't no lie as I say this. The words...
"That was tha Last Step."
Resonated throughout us. How should u act if u knew that all ur years of sacrificing without seeing a sign of hope or all tha nights somebody invited you to go out, but u couldn't cuz u've been crying for the last two hours or all the times u practiced harder than any of ur teammates but come gametime u didn't even get off tha bench, and u're supposed to be one of tha Captains of the team...How would u react if u knew all of that will be over. I'm gonna freakin' tell you how...
You're gonna have a confidence of not exclusion but of inclusion. You're gonna realize that what's tha used to have lessons learned, money in tha bank, and an excess of fun that tha world has never seen, and let it all go to waste, and not share that with...somebody. You're gonna look in tha mirror and say, "I'm hot" even though nobody's told you that, although YOU'VE been telling other people that. You're gonna dance harder like never before...You're gonna sing like ur at tha Hollywood Bowl whenever u hear ur song..Ur gonna dress like it's against tha law...You're gonna work out like a guy who realizes his time is now or never...And ur Gonna love, Give love, Show love, Exemplify love, and for dag gone sure, MAKE love like tha last time cuz u know how it feels NOT too have those things.
I used to take pride in knowing that the world has never seen us when we've either been super close to our goals, or has seen us when we've really and truly...Had what we wanted...Or who've we wanted. If u thought we've been wild before, now we're determined to show that dreams come true. And that we are a Dream-fulfiller, Fantasy-making, kid who's ready to show how to really have fun. And how to really love platonic or with that sexy love one.
There's nobody like us. And there won't ever be anybody else like it. So since this is gonna be tha only time a life like this crosses these blue waters, and green grasses, might as well show what we got.
This is who I am. This is what life has made me. And as I end tonight, I only see one image from this diary post, and from here on in our life...
The Curtain is now raised.
And let tha show truly begin.
A.G.
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