Miami. Tha Magic City. "Heaven's Waiting Room".
South Beach. Sobe. Fantasy Island. "The Land of The Beautiful People."
How in the galaxy did I end up down here?! I still wonder about that every now and then when I'm walking down the street hearing Spanish, Portuguese and Russian being spoken within minutes of each other. Whenever I see cops gangasta-fied people on a street corner. I live really in my opinion in the best spot of South Beach. Not too much near the bay side where it floods...Not too close to the ocean where you have tourists, and traffic 24/7...But really right in the middle of this peninsula neighborhood. I see so much. The other day, as I was walking near my apartment showroom, these cops ran up on these two cats. It looked straight up like a scene from the TV show Cops, right where the split tha tape. So u know in between the chase, and the arrest, somebody got their skulls bashed in! Now, I'm looking at this cop car diagonally parked on the actual curb of the block. Like a straight up Al Capone style gang bang! Folks were walking like we see this everyday, but I checked out tha cops and they had like skulls on the back of their t-shirts. I had no idea that MB Cops were Grateful Dead fans, but u talking about undercover dude. Just a typical day on tha block.
This place is...different. I know I write so much from our heart. Probably too much. Too much love stories. Too much mentioning of God. Too much talking about Sex. Too much freakiness. But I MUST make this as authentic as possible. One day this may be all you got to reach or get inside us. So we have to speak like we're...well, like we're writing in a diary. I'm just a product of my environment so to speak. Huh.
Miami is so much like a...what's a good comparison. I've always compared it to a girl that you just want to "get with" but not one you want to marry. Does that make sense? When I first came down here in 2005, it really felt natural to me. You have the blue waters and the beach, the colors, tha newness of a city of the future, plus you have a lot of history with it, even though that's not mentioned a lot. I always say, "It always comes back to Miami." And it does. But some of the stories that has filled my soul, old boy. Why not share a few of the craziest things that we've seen down here. From our perspective...Should be fun.
Alright, first off when I came down (I'm from Indiana, tha land of corn! Hoosiers stand up!)...When u first move down here, the initial thing that gets you is tha heat. And I'm not talking about no Lebron or what note belts out from that Grammy winning tandom of Smith and Wesson either. I'm talking about pure humidity. I came down in the '05. And it was killer. Dude it should be against tha law to look at your watch and have it read 2:59 pm, and the moment it turns 3pm. "Bam!" And just like in the old Batman comics, you get hit with a Joker of heat, a riddle of "How can I sweat so much from just blinking my eyes?!", the wish that you had the Penguin's umbrella to shade you from straight up sun. So with that lead in here are some of the wildest weather sights I've seen:
- This guy, a South Beach Legend, as I like to call them (Definition: Someone you see all the time in South Beach either at an opening, club, party, restaurant or an alley, but have no idea what their name is.)...walking around with his shirt half way up his belly, showing his expectancy to the world! Not lifted up past his chest, but just around the Buddah line of his stomach. Wild.
- I was driving in Coconut Grove, oh yes, the home to tha eclectic and artsy folks. Anyway, I was driving and this station wagon was in front of me. I was on my Vespa so I had a clear view inside of his ride. And my man had a small electric fan in the middle of his car right where the arm rest was at. Whahh? Evidently he didn't have any A/C, so he had this Walgreens looking fan propelling in the middle of his ride. I don't even want to know where he stuck the plug! Tee Em Eye!
Rains are a mutha down here as well. I've never been in a place where it rains so often when the sun is out. I mean why don't that chick just leave the devil, I mean after that dude hit me once I'll be gone! Then while that's going on, u got the Angels in Heaven either shooting a remake of The Big Lebowski or Kingpin with all the thunder going on, all tha time. I love to see Miami folks when it rains because you get images like...
-People using any and everything to cover their heads. I've seen the ever popular from the 2011 season, Publix grocery store plastic bag. Shopping bags from retail stores. (That blue IKEA bag is like tha Versace of rain gear.) But nothing can top this dude wearing a Lay's Potato Chip bag over his head. He was walking on the Venetian Islands trail, and I was stunned. I didn't know u could get so much out of a 2/$4 deal. Some reason I think Homey just bought tha bag, empty all the chips or fed them to tha cats, which...I'll get into in a bit, and just put tha thang on like somebody was playing Mr. Potato Head with him. I totally feel him, but as Charlie Murphy used to say, "We got to do better!"
- Over on Alton Road, it can become flood nation, and no I that phrase is not a Pee Wee Herman T-Pain remix song either. But when it rains it hits you dude. So this particular day I had to walk to make some errands I think, and there was like two lanes compared to tha usual four on tha road. Then the puddles overwhelm the sidewalks so u're basically walking in bacteria. And it wasn't even the good kind, as if there is any right? But it was tha green slimy stuff that has u up 2 ur ankles like I've just ruined my good pedicure and now Shaquesha is gonna be trippin when I go back and ask her to re-do again with sewer weed stuck in between my toes. Cuz you know us in Miami don't take a shower before we get ourself done up anyway, right! I mean, let's be honest, I"ve seen so many folks either walking tha streets with robes literally from the Spa, or going into very high publicity places with nothing but rollers in their head. It's wild. And we still have tha attitude that "I may have no makeup on, with a shower cap, and Scooby-Doo's oversized face on my flip flops right now, but gurrl in about 3 hours, I'm gonna shut tha place down!" Like I said, only in Miami.
Another thing I had to get used to here in Miami, is tha abundance of pets. I think like, one in two people either have a dog, a cat, a goldfish, or a lizard. So here's a few nuggets on my experiences with animals and insects. Yikes!
- Those freakin' Geico lizard things. I've never seen them until I hit tha 305. We've almost broke my ankle so many times from trying to avoid them while they scurry across the sidewalks. What are they running to? But nothing, I mean nothing can beat trying to chase one of those things around your home for 2 hours. This little fellow had me going in circles. Up through the window, on the corner of the TV bench, behind my CDs, hiding near the A/C, I didn't know what to do. It was as if he had a pep talk with every girl I've been associated with in Miami, and they told him how to get to me. I finally got him, by getting him drunk on some Raid Ant Spray. Hey, in the ghetto we use anything to pass out. Heck, I didn't even know what a dry Martini was until I was watching The O.C., and saw how "the other half" got their buzz on! (Ha ha!) But after getting him punch drunk, I dragged him out my building to the sound of the Brazilian version of "Taps", I was finally able to simply sleep.
- Dude. Cat feeding is like out of control here in South Beach. And the cats know it too! They eat better than us humans do. One time I was walking on the sidewalk, and these cats, literally, had like organic pasta laid out for them. I've written in tha past about Cat Daddy, this guy who had everybody but Kate Upton waiting by his steps near this back alley. Cats worship this guy. He's so good, the other day, he even had dogs sitting near his literal platoon of felines. It was epic. But now Cat Daddy has some competition. With competition you get higher quality of food. I didn't think obese cats existed until I saw this one cat and I just thought, "My dude, u got to lay off tha Hungry Man leftovers guy!" Its serious down here.
- Real quick...dogs are a plenty down here as well. The only thing I really have to say, especially down here in Sobe, is to please, I mean please pick up after ur K-9. There's no reason for there to be a load of Alpo Burrito flavored Prime Cuts to be Kriss Krossed on the sidewalk or grass, when there are ample doggie bags like on every other block down here. That'll make u jump for real!
It's getting late are there any other experiences that I've had...Well...Here are a few other tidbits, and then I gotta get my Shop Til I Drop list together....Here's the best of the rest:
- I've seen everything being carried by and on people while riding a bicycle. You had this one girl riding around with freakin' Toucan Sam on her shoulder. While this guy had his pet lizard on his back while out for a stroll.
- And if you don't have a car, that's ok too, because there's a lot you can carry while riding your bike like: An Air Conditioner, A floor fan, A Vacuum Cleaner...I'm not making this stuff up!...A Gatorade Jug container, I mean are the NBA finals being played at Flamingo Park now?!!...Heck, on today I seen a guy who had a huge clock with him while riding his bike. Not one of those Flavor Flav clocks, but like a face head from one of those clocks you see outside of like South Miami's City Hall or even from the inside of a Bentley. If they made it, you can carry it on ur handlebars. And that includes a girl sitting facing you as well...Oh, Miami...
- I'm into using coupons, but nothing like Extreme Couponing where I'm walking home with $300 worth of toliet tissue and dental floss for the price of $1.99. Not that serious, but I've taken from that this one dude who actually tore off a coupon from the package of an item that was on the conveyor belt, after the cashier told him u have to have a coupon for that. He gave her tha "Rip" sound, and then said, "Here's tha coupon!" She was stunned. I was like, I just found my hero!
Speaking of which, I'll end on this...The art of Grocery Shopping. Now down here in South Beach, it's really wild, cuz u have monopolies like Publix which even has two stores like 5 minutes from each other. I don't know how they pulled that off. But u have upscale natural stores like Fresh Market and Whole Foods, plus some Mom and Pop joints where u can get a two-pack of paper towels, a box of chicken patties, a box of Mangnum's, a dinner special of Arroz Con Pollo (Dirty Rice of course!) and $20 worth of Florida Lotto tickets all for the low price of $11.99. So here are some of our grocery shopping "Experiences"...
- Does anybody else freak out when they keep running into tha same person in each aisle they travel in? And don't let them be somebody who u think is kinda cute or hot. This goes for guys and girls...It's like awkward, you don't know if this is Heaven's way of hooking you two up or if tha other person thinks you're just a plain weirdo! A few years ago after the Miami New Times named the Publix "Spaceship" on West Avenue as the best place to meet Singles, the whole grocery experience got out of hand. Guys wearing suits late at night...Girls going around the Beer aisle just a few too many times...I just speak, beep it, I like conversation. About two or so weeks ago, I was in the store, and this girl who had workout clothes was everywhere I was. And if a girl keeps seeing you, and she's in her workout biker shorts with grey stiching, up near the top 1/3rd of her pants, with the lower crevice of her cinnamon tanned back showing her...But I don't remember her really...but I was looking for some medicine, and her she comes. I asked her straight up, "What medicine is best for the cold?" Depending on the night, the DJ, and how drunk tha girl is, you'll get an whole array of answers. But, I wasn't looking to hit on her, just some real advice since they pulled TheroFlu off the shelf. But...good convo by her. Still...awkward.
- Don't be fooled by what people wear to the grocery store here in Miami. I'll never forget this rummy looking dude with some black Starter shorts on in front of me, getting rung up, and then dropping his Black AmEx card down so loud that I heard tha thump! Don't judge Son, u'll be surprised.
- Who else gets salty when they get stuck behind somebody who...This one time, I was in metro-shock by how much money this chick was spending on groceries. She broke them off for like $600 smack-a-roos. I was so shocked, I asked the cashier how much she spent after she left. That's cool, but what stinks is having to stand in line behind this treaty signing for 10 minutes when ur Eggo Waffles and Sweet Potato Tots are starting to melt. Plus, this is only so much u can read about Will and Jada's possible divorce, and Hannah Montana, and what is going on the Young and The Restless.
- Last one...I need to open up a shopping cart driving school instructor's class for real. I tell ya, if I wasn't for me eating my Flintstones vitamins on the daily, I woulda been flipped out TMZ style. You have the folks who are in a hurry, and take the curves past the pasta aisle like Danica Patrick in Indy. Then you have those who have seven kids smashed into those kid buggies that looks like something George Jetson would have drove, and they act like they own the cereal aisle. Then there's always somebody, in every grocery store, who figures that the dairy section is where we should talk about let's see...an upcoming party, how recovery from plastic surgery went, and my favorite, "(Fill in the blank) will be home for tha Summer." I'm not hating but a playa just parked illegally like an alien outside on tha meter, and I need to play Cuban roulette and hurry up, get this 2%, pay for this and tell the clerk to keep tha change, and then make a mad dash outside. Cuz I don't need my car to get huffed away because a) I can't be dropping $300 of them thangs on towing, especially since the my favorite Air Jordan VIII's just dropped last week....and b) I've been to towed before, controversially, and I don't feel like walking over to Tremont Towing again like before, cuz I've seen it in person, and have watched enough episodes of South Beach Tow to know, "these cats don't play".
Whew! I'm done. Hope u got a glance of what I've seen and see on tha regular here in "tha land of tha Beautiful People." There's more, trust me, but for now, that's enough.
Bye and Have a fun nighty nite.
Austino.
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