L.o.L.

"Harv, are you ready for today's show,
You know this is tha one that everybody's been waiting for."
I...I guess, there's been so much hype surrounding this, it's been crazy,
This is tha first time applications spilled over once I opened up my dressing room door.

I mean, who is this guy anyway, huh, please tell me?
"Well, I know he writes about in-depth bout tha subject of our game show.
Even my Grandma has heard about him, and she's choosy when it comes to these young boys,
Tha mention of his name brings a gummed smile, then she reaches for her teeth, and 'Pop!' in they go.



She be telling me about how this guy reminds her of The Beatles when the hit tha U.S.,
Takes her back to those days of Elvis and her favorite Lyndon B. Johnson, tha former C-in-Chief.
So Harv, I can guarantee you her, and the rest of this 'Galaxy' will be watching u on tonight,
U treat this guy bad, and her and her Gin Rummy club will be after u like a unsuspecting Hollywood thief."

Great, great, now u telling me, I have to be on tha lookout for some washed up hags,
Isn't it against tha law for women that age for even wanting to have sex?
"Trust me, just wait until u meet this guy, it's gonna get wild dude,
Besides, my Grandma is 'Tha Real Deal'...she has the freaky trick she does with her hips and some Mix Chex!

See, Harv, I didn't believe her, until I invited her up to tha Hollywood Hills,
One Direction, The Wanted, and even that Selena Gomez chick came to party tha night.
I kept telling them, that my Grandma is about to shut this party down, u guys just get ready,
The didn't believe me, 'til she walked in with this shirt that said, '80 yr. olds know how 2 do u right!'

Taylor Swift came in late with rocking her Keds, and couldn't believe what she saw,
I just shrugged my shoulders like, I told u tonight u were gonna be in trouble.
Then tha booze came out, and Kendrick walked in with his boys from Compton,
That's when I knew that this party was gonna turn into Vegas on New Year's Eve...times double."

So what happened next?...."Shhhh...Shhh, Alright...
I had a Budweiser in my my hand, but then my Grandma grabbed it and then gushed down a giant sip.
Next thing I know it, she got on my newly bought CB2 table, and began to twerk away,
With her singing along to my French model DJ...'I Put my hand upon ur hip...When I dip...U dip...We dip!'

After her twerk episode, that nearly broke my table, I thought she was done,
U know, like after u've seen mad sneak previews at tha movies, u still can't believe there's two mo'.
I mean, Pixar has just showed me a preview for a kid cartoon flick that's coming out Fall 2015,
We only want tha main event, besides I got 2 get my $'s worth at Sandbar before it goes dull around fo'??"

Please, I got Hollywood on my back already for my upcoming movie,
Right now tell tha story..."Right, so I thought my Grandma, did her one act of cray.
Mannnn....Harv, next thing I know it she grabbed that bowl of Chex Mix, poured it down her shirt,
The next thing I knew... 'Hips Don't Lie' was being sung as pretzels and nuts hit tha ground as she swayed!

Then she lifted up her leg..."  Alright, alright ur Grandma is a freak,
And she's gonna be watching tha show tonight, I get it, now leave me a little time.
Since tha whole world or whole 'Galaxy' is gonna be tuned it, I have to make sure my mind is right,
I already know I look good, how do I look? Did the make-up chick do ok, and my face lacks any shine?

"Harv, ur a superstar host, and no make-up can do u any justice."
Great, please let me get just a minute here to simply unwind.
(Click.) Perhaps, I should call up that Rodeo Drive chick for a small quickie,
She's probably hanging out with Matt Kemp of the Dodgers, a rich and handsome guy she could always find.

Everybody is telling me that tonight is gonna be madness, I don't believe it,
Heard some things about this guy, but nothing out of the norm.
Lives across tha country in South Beach, has a thing for reading and laughing,
Guess what's weird is him asking to be put up in USC's hottest chick dorm.

Evidently he wants to be around tha atmosphere of beauty,
And wait until he sees what's in store for him...nothing but Prime Top Shelf.
People have told me wherever I go, this is tha one episode they're gonna watch all season,
This is tha equivalent of Scarlett J., and Rachel Berry being guest host , on tha foodie show called Top Chef.

"Harv, It'sssss....Shooowtime!!  Aren't u excited?"
Yeah, Yeah, let's get on with tha show....Hippity Hop Hooraaay.
As I walk down this hall, I feel a different energy in tha air though,
Ooops...Got to tie up my Ferragamo's...don't want Joan Rivers to catch my imperfect look ways.

"Alright, Harv...He's here....He's here..."
Would u just relax, tonight is gonna be like any other night...perhaps.
"Sorry, but Harv, u just know how I get when special moments in TV history occur,
I mean tha other nite when Leno left 'Tha Tonight Show', I was home with my cat, humming tha song, 'Taps'."

Ok.  I got ya...."So, Harv, ur gonna take ur usual seat over here on tha couch,
And he's gonna....(Huge Applause)...See I told u tha audience is ready to go!"
Wow!  Gurl, this is our largest studio audience to date, I think,
Can one guest erase all tha ratings that have been luke warm low.

"I think so....so just take a seat Harv, don't be nervous u've done this all before.
And I'm about to give u my cue, and then I'm just gonna let you be you."
(Huge Sigh.) Just like at Cal Berkeley...just like at Cal Berkely...Ok..
I'm a freakin' Golden Bear...put on a Golden show is exactly what I'm about to do.

These people came to see me, I'm tha best host there's ever been,
Chuck Woolery  has nothing on me, and I'm about to prove it to everybody under the sun.
"Ok, Harv, here's your prompts, and look into tha camera directly in front of you,
And ur on in 5.....4.....3.....2.....(Finger Point).....1...!!!"

("What-you-won't-do /  Do For Love / 
Sit through The Notebook Every Weekend / Or even Break Cupid off with a Dub....

Hit tha Club /On a Date U'd even Starve / 
Go Jewish like Sammy Davis/ But have u tired calling up...HARV!!!")

(Crowd Applause)

Thank you, Thank you....Thank...(Crowd getting louder),
Please you are all too kind, tha admiration is so good that I'm beginning to get aroused.
(Go Harv!!  Go Harv!!  It's ur birthday!!...Go Harv!!)
Now now, calm down...I see that we have a little 'Urban' crowd tonight in tha house!!

Alright...(Shhh....Shhhh!)...Thank you.
Well, my name is Harv...with a period.  And I'm tha host of tha game show Love or Lust.
The show where a lucky contestant gets a chance to choose from a bevy of hunks and beauties,
We got tha best of tha best, I mean, these women look so good they'd even make Rev. Run cuss!

But here on tha show, we go way beyond just tha physical looks,
Even though, we have been known to hook up some of the most eligible with the sexiest around.
I mean, just last week, we hooked up Vin Diesel with this fine lingerie model,
And, as I reach behind this couch to show... u can see the gift he sent...me...Her very appealing nightgown.

(Whew....Wooo!!!  Yeahhhhh!!!)

So, I can only wish that night for Vin was Furious in every way,
And not...Fast...if you catch my drift!  Mean U know what I'm saying....
Nowadays these girls be in tha gym, so they are in peak condition,
Nothing like a gurl, who goes 0-120 in 60 seconds flat...Oh Emila, those red light payments I'm still payin'!!

(Yeahhhh!!!)

Hey, gurl in tha front row, don't be giving me that look,
Next week u'll get ur chance when Ms. Chelsey Lately...(Whoo!) is guest host.
She'll be talking about everythang u ladies talk about all unfiltered,
To how come men don't put tha toilet seat down 2 how come tha butter always has small pieces of toast.

Tonight though, we have something for tha fellas...and tha ladies...
(Whoooo-Whew!!!)  Calm down, now u may have heard of this fellow, I mean who hasn't.
He talks about Love and Fun as if it's his ultimate threesome,
Even when he used to Ball on tha court, there was something magical about his No-Look passes.

Yet, he hasn't found tha love of his dreams...(Awwww!)
Has all these sexy gurls surrounding him, but yet and still...waiting for that one.
Now for tha last few years he's released his diary for any and all to see...
And...I can't read that teleprompter...Oh...and now he says after this year, No Luv means he's done.

So....(I LUV U GALAXIA!!)...I haven't even introduced him yet,
Evidently there's no introduction even needed, tha man who's tha ultimate Love Please-a...
Ladies and Gentleman, give a warm and heartfelt welcome to...
(Whooo!  Whoooo!!!)....Tha man they call...Austino Galaxia!

(Whew...WhewWhew...WhewWhew....WhewWhew....WhewWhew...WhewWhew....WhewWhew...WhewWhew...I party like a rock star...Look like a movie star...Play like an All-Star...(Phoomph!) like a Porn Star...Ba-by I'm a Supastar...Always posted at tha ...)

'Ohhhh....Shoot!! That's my cut right there, Harv...let me get loose real quick...
...Dawg, check tha resume...I hit somethin' everyday...
....Ask about me and they say...'
(Hands up to tha crowd)....(THAT CHICO RUN M.I.A.!!!!)

'Yeah....we are in tha house...we are in tha house, Big Harv.'
Good to see you, good 2 see you, please...take a seat.
(Whooo!  Whoooo!)  'U suprised me with that Pitbull, that's my song there,
Those were tha good old daysof Miami right there, that's even before Tha Big Three joined The Heat.

(Booo!  Booooo!  Heat Suck!!!)  Ooops, I forgot I'm out here in Laker Nation....
(Yeay!!!  Whew-Whew!!! KO-BE!!  KO-BE!!)  Hey, I like them too...I like them too.'
So tha last time u were out here in LA was for Tha Yasella Dominguez Show, Am I right?
'Yeah, Harv, it was amazing the feedback my publicists and my star crew got after that particular show.'

Everybody was talking about how yo...'Didn't mean to cut u off, Harv...
But did you know that's tha only show I haven't watch or re-read since it premiered.
Like I'm a sticklar for perfection, I mean I only date 10's...U know!  Ha ha!!,
That's the only episode, as I call it, that I won't look over cuz I know it was so sincere.

I didn't mean to cut u off.'...No, No...I did hear it was straight from ur heart,
Speaking of which, ur on Love or Lust today because you are in need of a flat out dime?
(Smile.)....'I think need is kind of a strong word to use, wouldn't u say Harv?'
I don't think so, I mean when u need a Tan...Crowd where do u go?....(TO THA SUNSHINE!!!)

(Yeah!!!!  Whoooo!!!)

Tha Sunshine...See, that's a little thing that we do around here,
Just 2 add to tha crowd participation.
'That's cool.  That's mad cool, Big Harv for real...
Cuz I hear that u got some ladies that have been known to oooze hot precipitation!!

Now, now, it never rains in Southern California,
I will say this, we do have some ladies who I think can fit ur very VIP like bill.
Now, usually we get just local girls...snag hotties going through Drive-Thru at In-N-Out,
Or those hanging outside of Chanel on Rodeo Drive, just ur usual, typical run of tha mill.

But we know how ur this International slash Galaxy guy, who likes all types, shapes and colors,
We understand that tha "3-One-Oh" even for a guy like u, wouldn't be enough.
Made a few phone calls, even may have broken a few Green Card litigation rules, (Shhh!)
And we brought a few girls literally around tha globe, to see if one is worthy of u taking a puff!

'I like puffs, Harv....I really do!  Cream Puffs...Cotton ball Puffs....Puff Daddy...
Puffs Kleenex....Heck, Puff The Magic Dragon...If its one thang I like...Me likes some puffs!'
How about some "Puff-Puff, Pass?!!!"...Just kidding...Galaxia...Just kidding...
I don't want to get u in any trouble here on TV, tha kind where u gotta bring in A-Rod's lawyer's and stuff.

Without any delay, bring out tha ladies, but let me remind u of tha rules,
See this ain't like that old lovey dove game shows of television past.
This is more like a combination of Love Connection meets Singled Out,
Where the audience will choose ur date, but u also get to see who has tha biggest..."stash".

'U know, I know what u were about to say right there!'
Dawg, U know that I know, that I know, that U knew, what I knew, I know what I wanted to say.
But after that special Democratic Convention "I want a nice donkey' show, they got me on lock-down,
My lingo has gone from Comedy Network after Midnight to Dora The Explorer in tha middle of tha day.

First off, before we bring tha girls or have tha girls come out, so to speak,
Tell me, what do u look for in a girl or a future mate.
'Harv, I'm just gonna be real, I've talked so much about dating that it speaks for itself,
I'm not desperate by any means, I guess just somebody who when it comes to fun and luv can simply relate'

And physically?....(Huge blow!)....'Harv, that comes in many styles,
I like a cute gurl, who takes care of herself that has a look of Galaxia's gurl.'
Well, Galaxia I've read ur stuff recently and I think we got some good ones to choose from,
Don't think u're gonna believe tha ones we've chosen literally from all over tha world.

Ladies...

('Can't get u off my mind...Ur like my favorite song....Just want to turn you on...And rock you all night long...Cuz I......I.....I......I just want to be your man....I just want to be your man...Oh!!')

'Whoa!  This is insane, Harv...this is like, off tha charts.'
Told ya, I keep on telling people this is better than anythang u will see on Tha Bachelor.
We have tha Creme de la Creme right here...Doctors, Dance team Cheerleaders...
Look we even have a French Maid, in costume...'Harv...Harv....u see how she's holding that Spatchula?!!'

Now, we'll get to tha pancakes and crepes later, but here's how this thangs gonna go,
We have 15 of the quality that u wanted in a gurl, u now are looking at them in tha flesh.
Galaxia, you are gonna be tha one to ask tha questions of ur liking,
But tha girls can't answer them, but only use facial expressions, and it's up to you to guess.

Do u understand tha rules of Love or Lust?  'I do.'
You can call tha ladies by their name which they have on tha cards on their front side.
'Front side, Harv?!!'  Yeah, bro, I told you tha Censors got me cornered, dude,
From here on out, I got to use proper language and avoid any words u find in the Sexual Harassment guide.

'Any girl?'...Yep, Galaxia, any girl.....
'I want to speak to...Sorry, my mic fell off my Kid Dangerous Tee shirt.
I want to speak with Julieta.'....Alright, Julieta, step to tha microphone,
As u can see Galxia, she's rockin' her L.A.M.B. top, with matching Marc Jacobs skirt.

She's originally from here in Los Angeles, born and raised,
She's a Psych Major from UCLA, let's see if you can read her mind, by her face.
Ask away, Galaxia....'Julieta, what would be the ultimate ending to our first date...
A handshake? A Kiss and Hug?...Or an invitation back up to my place?'

Alright Julieta, what do u say...It seems like she's moving her eyebrows upward,
And she's pouting her lips out, and giving a very Vogue or is that a Playboy magazine pose?!!
'Harv, I think she prefers a handshake.'....Ah...Galaxia, Julieta is shaking her head back-n-forth like, "No.",
I'm gonna have to leave Julieta alone, I prefer either a kiss goodnight or tha invite up, that's who I woulda chose.'

But...But...She does agree with what u want...Moving on, I guess...
Galaxia, pick another one from tha bunch...And I definitely wish I was in ur shoes.
'Ahhhh....Harv, let's go with that one...Ava, the cute gurl in tha back.'
Ava, come on down, I always thought that sexy blonde hair matches dresses that come in violet blue.

Galaxia, Ava, is a Norwegian, who luvs snow, and ...
'Sorry, to interrupt u Harv, but I hate tha snow...U gonna have to send her back.'
But...But...Ava is has been voted Norway's hottest gurl three years running,
I mean look, she even looks like u, in her Nike Air Max's and her Herschel beach sack.

'Harv, I know, I know, but I can't stand tha snow, period.
Didn't tha producers tell these chicks that before tha selected my Dream Squad.
One thang I can't sacrifice is being cold, I'm a beach boy for God's sake,
Sexy beach babes are tha only ones I'm gonna open up my big Franklin-filled wad.'

Moving on, once again...I think I see why you are single, but go ahead...
'I need me a Senorita...I need me a Senorita...How about Evelyon over there?'
Now u just made a very wise choice for real, Evelyon step forward,
Wait til I read u her credentials, to get a gurl like her, to be honest isn't even fair.

I've been waiting my whole life for a gurl like Evelyon,
And I secretly hoped u didn't (Sniff...Sniff.)  pick her cuz she's like an Angel in disguise.
'Harv...Are u crying?'....(Sniff.)  Just leave me alone, Ok...I mean just look at her,
She has the perfect cinnamon tan, with a golden smile...black hair, and to top blue eyes.

'Yeah, Harv, but do ur freakin' job and just read from tha cue cards alright!'
(Ooooooohhh!!)  I know u just ain't getting brand new, ok little beach boy.
You ain't in tha "3-0-5" little dude, u got that,
I may have been born in tha Palisades but I know some gangstas who can pull out all tha big toys.

'Harv???  Let's just move on...She's flawless but can I hear about her personality?
After seeing all these hot gurls all my life, that's is what is numbero uno on my list.'
(Sniff.)  Well, ok, I guess I can let u have this one...
Trust me, not one quality about what I'm about to hear, are u gonna want to diss.

Evelyon, or Eve, as everybody calls her is super special by far,
She's 1/3 Mexican, a 1/3 English, and she's has one-third Asian in her blood.
She's very active with tha United Nations, been so ever since she was tha age of six,
Also, she's the head of her local Red Cross chapter...she's tha one who organizes tha food for any flood.

Eve has been a model and on tha cover of endless fashion magazines all her life,
As well has participated in Basketball from grade school through her college years.
Her interests include...THA BEACH!!...'Ha, Ha funny, Harv!'...Travelling...
Also, she was born tha day of Halloween, so u can bet that she really doesn't have any fears.

'That's interesting, Harv, cuz I was born the day before Halloween...Huh...continue.'
Musical interests include everythang from Michael Jackson to Kylie Minogue to even tha Spice Girls.
She is very determined to eliminate tan lines as she tans, and she watches what she eats,
Eve works out, and though she's hot in any look, she thinks her sexiest look is when her hair is up in curls.

(Yawwnnn!!)  Galaxia....Eve is sponsored by Nike, can be found rockin' black reading glasses on days off,
Was a backup dancer for Britney and Janet, and also dabbled in a little backup sing.
She prefers to wear little if any makeup, enjoys to dance and is tha glow in any room she enters,
And on top of it all...She...She...'Yes...Go on Harv...Yes...', Just last week she got a belly ring.

(Galaxia dropping to his knees)

'God I want to thank you for sending this girl my way, it has to be you,
 I tried to call "All Night Sue" up when I saw her want ad in tha back of tha Miami New Times,
It was a great night, a really good night and, I still don't know she could do that trick with her tougue,
But when the cops pulled up while we were in tha parking lot at Tropical Park, I knew that was a sign.

I mean, right as N.E.R.D's "Brain" came on tha radio, I thought it was gonna be a lucky night,
Right as she put in a Mentos, and leaned over...the 5-0 knocked on my window, and our turkey was carved.
Here I am months later, and u have delivered this princess to me, on this show,
I never knew that u could work through a low-life Valley boy, and former undercover pimp turn game show host like Harv.'

Ah...First off....I take gonna take that word 'Undercover' personally,
Secondly, U can't be praying to any God her on TV, that's against our censor rule.
Then thirdly, I had no idea that u hooked up with "All Night Sue" from tha paper ad as well,
She was mine at tha Super Bowl years ago in Miami..She show tha Basic Instinct leg move with tha stool?

(Aheem-Aheem!!)  Sorry, Evelyon, to have u standing up there waiting,
Alright, Galaxia...What in tha Galaxy would you want to ask her?
And remember, she can't talk, so tried to read her reactions,
I can't wait to hear this question, I think she's tha Oregano in ur pasta bowl stir.

'Evelyon...or Eve, this is tha question that makes me determines if its Love or Lust...
Say, if we were to have a child together...would u want to know tha sex of tha kid beforehand?'
Ahhh...(Whisper) Galaxia...that was one of tha questions that's on tha 'Do Not Ask List',
She won't be able to convey her answer by facial expressions...Why don't u try again.

'Alrighty then...Evelyon...What would u consider ur ultimate first date?'
Let me see what she's saying Galaxia...Ok...she's opening her mouth, and looks like she's chewing.
'Harv, I don't get down like that on tha first date.'...Dude, she's talking about food not...
Hey, didn't u just tell me a freak story about u and 24/7 Sue? To me that wasn't no G-Rated movie viewing.

What else?  She's moving her nose around, and is smiling...
'Sorry to interrupt u again, Harv, but I'm not into sniffing coke, at least not on tha first date.
I mean, I got standards, and she could be setting me up with some...'...Boy...are u kidding me?
Eve is saying that she wants you to smell good....Whenever u throw a Charades party remind me 2 be late!!

'Oh, What else is she trying to say?  I need u Harv...'
Ummm...she just made this move with her lips, like in a repeated kiss.
Now she just made her eyes go crossways...And now her eyes are red and going up and down...
Please tell me that these signs, you're not gonna miss.

'What is she sayin' Harv?  I don't understand?!'
Dummy, she's saying she wants u to kiss her silly, make her feel good and not complex.
Then Eve's also saying, she wants u to make her go crazy,
And after she's crazy into you, then she'll give u unlimited and hot and heated....

'I...I...don't understand.'...That's it, I've done had it,
Cut all tha cameras off, cuz I got to air some stuff out on this set.
Galaxia, u got all these sexy girls showing they are into you,
Yet, you are acting like a Seal who's never once in it's life ever gotten wet.

You were brought on this show, for me to help you,
I went across this globe to bring u nothing short of the best.
All these girls dig you...ALL OF THEM!!  And ur missing their signs,
U even got Tessa from Italy over their...For her u don't even have to win a Pasta eating contest.

Starlets from New York City, and from Toronto,
Australia, and I even risked my life to pull Ria from Columbia, and her looks can make u hit tha floor.
Besides Eve, she's tha hottest gurl here, and u didn't even call her up to tha front,
Now, I'm gonna take Ria from this set, and we're gonna hit up some eats...and u my friend can hit tha door.

U need to read between tha lines, Girls speak without using words,
Don't be so caught up in texts and sometimes in what they even say.
An "I guess" means "I really don't want to",
A "Let me call you"...really means "No Way Jose!"

Then tha body can speak as well, and u've been missing tha boat,
Sometimes a smile can go further than any words spoken.
Also, silence can be tha ultimate way of flirtations, ya dig,
Sexy gurls know they are the ultimate prize but u can only win them in small tokens.

Ria...I got tha Ford Escort warming up in tha back,
Let's go!...Galaxia, Good Luck, and u can sit here cuz u need some time to think.
Just remember that girls communicate there feelings different from guys,
U'll be surprised at what u can learn from a simple wink!

(Audience Leaving...)

'I came all tha way to L.A. to hear what I already know,
How come I keep on missing these signs from all these hot dames?
Have they really been speaking to me, and it's been too late to realize it?
Doesn't Harv know that girls act differently whenever u reach a level of fame.

Like winks are just winks....And smiles just aren't smiles...
Guess it's only one thang to do, and that's up to me.
Step up to tha plate, and play tha game just as they do,
Weeding out tha real and tha fake...that's a Reality Show I would like to see.

Somehow I think I needed this trip, so know I can live better,
All tha signs are there pointing that I'm living a life where the Fun pipes will never bust.
Still though, I have one more question that I want to ask every hot and sexy girl I know...
When u think of me....What will be the first thang that comes to ur mind?...

Love....or Lust.'