An Overpriced Ex.

(Huge Blow)

Let me take a look in the mirror.  Is this tie straight?  Been saving this one for a special event, and I guess it's no more time a wasting.  Didn't have time to press out this shirt, but it'll have to do.  Let me see, do I go for tha Carlton Banks look with the V-Neck Cashmere sweater or do I go for tha Hot Miami guy look, and represent with the sport coat to rock with these jeans?   Let's go Hot Guy, because you never know who might be watching at these type of affairs.  Before I throw on tha coat, I need to sit down for a sec.  I'm a little nervous...I need a drink.  Dang!  I need to go to tha store, but I know Publix ain't gonna have nuthin' on sale until tomorrow.  I've been feenin' for a Margarita for days, like tha ones that me and my homegurl Cyn on the beach in Fort Lauderdale.  Those thangs were humongous.  Those were tha good old days, but now it's come to this.  All I got in here is what...Vitamin Water Zero...Whatever that will do I guess.

(Ahh!)

Let me just sit down her on my bed and think.  I mean how did it even come to all this?  I can recall many people telling me how different I am.  I've had sexy girls just flat out tell me to my face, "You're weird."  Not sure if they meant that in a Ronald McDonald type of way, or in a freaky sense like they would like to 'experiment', but...different is sexy....different is sexy.  (Ahh!)  Been through all these girls and experiences, just wondering when would it all just...happen you know.  My guys told me that you just know when you've met the perfect one.  U just know.  Which is wild, cuz I don't even know how I even hooked up with this doll.  Now it's like we're meant for each other.  Crazy how life works.  All right.  Let me see, what time is it, I guess I still got a few moments.  So nervous bro....

(Ahh!)

These last few days have been so wild.  People think just because you have a fine gal, that you still don't get tempted.  Ha!  I think now that it can be worse, because some dolls look at you as a challenge.  Nobody wants somebody that nobody else wants.  Duh...Our life has just been so unique.  But that's all about to change tonight.  Let me get up from here, and do what we have to do, so to speak.  Keys, Coat, for tonight how about some, just gonna take a few CDs.  I already got GG's "So Anxious" ready for when we return.  It should be a wild night!  Got everything...alright, I'm out.  Time to Rock 'n Roll.

(Click!)

Boy, I never thought it would go down like this.  Some reason I still have reservations about her, but..she's all I got, all I ever wanted so. I mean I never chased anybody like I've chased her in my life.  I mean, all I ever wanted from the first time I actually came close to her was to be associated with her.  Just to be mentioned with her used to bring a smile to my face.  Wait...do I (Pat...Pat...Pat...)  Where is my...Whew!  I thought I forgot the engagement ring.  I spent, she just don't know all tha pain I went throw to be able to get this thang.  So many working days, and starving nights.  Just to save up because I thought, matter of fact, knew that she was worth it.  I felt her even before I met her face to face, cuz I knew from afar that our paths would cross.  And it did that special day here in Miami.

(What's up dude.)

What up.  People are gonna flip down here in South Beach when they find out what I have planned for tha night.  Yep!  Here it comes, folks got their phones out already taking pictures.  That thing is sexier up close than in the pamphlet.  Who else rides through SoBe via a Horse and Carriage, and I ain't talking bout no Camron joint either!...This is sick.

(Burrr...Burrrr....)

"Whoa Big Fellow!  Whoa!...Settle down now.  A....are you Austino Galaxia."

Yes sir.  And your name is...?

"It's Richard.  But my friends call me Bob for short."

Oh...so your name is Robert.

"No son, it's Richard.  My friends call me Bob."

I thought that...

"I know...I know...I rather not talk about that small detail.  Hop on in, let me just look at the paper work that you signed tha other day.  My friend, you were in a hurry (Spit!) when you stopped by the farm tha other day, did u rob a bank or something?"

No...Yes...No...Well, I did have a dream or nightmare where I was working for the CIA and our team of agents busted a bank heist.  And next thing I know it, I was being chased by the State Puff Marshmallow Man.

"From Ghostbusters!?!"

It scared the daylights out of me! Still does just talking about it. Him telling me, 'I'll be right back', and to see him running looking at me...Bro, I got problems.

"I see."

Then to make matters worse, I was washing clothes at the Laundromat down the street here...

"Uh-huh."

...And this guy, he was hawking all these ghetto product, like a hustleman.  I almost swung on him!  No hobo.  He was like the Spanish Hustle Man or something...

"What happened?"

Ok.  First off, I'm just chilling right, looking at tha news on Univision as they are giving tha exclusivo on this cat who busted into this home in Coral Gables.  That had homey on camera. I mean he walked in tha place and was just taking stuff with homegirl inside.  They had his face though on pause, like on Em's "Guilty Conscience" video.  So I know they caught him, right.  Next thing I know it, this character is walking up on me, holding an alarm clock.  Talking about, 'Five Dollars...Five Dollars'.  I'm telling him I ain't interested, besides I'm busy looking at this Senorita...I mean, News that's on TV.  But he keeps on, bro, and I'm trying to tell him, I don't need an alarm clock cuz since I've spent so many days working at tha beach on Lake Michigan, I tell time by the sun.

"So you're an Aztec?"

Wait, Ho, ho, ho... Bob or Dick, or whatever.  We getting a little personal ain't we.  I mean I may be a technical specialist when it comes to tha female body.  I mean I've seen a lot of belly buttons, and a few boobs in my day, but to label me an Aztec , that would be egotistical.

"This new generation...Go on."

So this guy like cuts me off talking.  Which I haaaate!  Somebody once told me, in regards to relationships, if you're talking to a woman...or guy...and she keeps talking when you're talking.  U need 2 leave that alone.  But if that person, has the decency and respect to stop and listen to tha point you are making then u got a winner.  I can't stand bad manners.

"Sometimes u just have to sit on them."

Yeah, sometimes you just have to...U got jokes, huh.  Alright, I see...I see.  But check this out.  Next thing I know it, this guy after going around the whole L-Mat, goes into his bag, and pulls out some sunglasses, and begins to walk around, "Three Dollars...Three Dollars."  I'm thinking this is turning a ghetto version of The Price is Right real quick.  So after no takers this magician then goes back into his bag, and pulls out some hair clippers.

"Brotha, how much was he asking, I saw Billy Ray Cyrus on CNN the other night with Piers Morgan, and Gosh, I gotta get me one of them cuts."

Dude, I-Don't-Know...All I knew was that he was pulling so many things out of his bag, I was waiting for a Pony to jump out!  Coin purses, small handbags, this dude was a walking Ebay.  With nothing but Buy It Now prices.  Amazing...Amazing.  Dateline should do a feature on this guy.

"Alright.  Mr. Galaxia, I found your papers.  U need us for three hours.  Drive you up to 41st Street for a nice meal up there."

Yeah, that's where we first met.

"Ok.  And I hear through the grapevine that you are gonna make tha big jump tonight."

That's correct bro.  I'm gonna ask my girlfriend to marry me tonight.

"We'll see about that...Alright now, buckle up, I ran out of food at tha ranch, so I fed tha boys some left over Taco Bell from the other night, so forgive me if..."

I know...I know.  Just make sure they do tha do, before and not after dinner.

"U got it...Gitttty Up Now!  Rawhide!"

(Glock.  Glock.  Glock. Glock.)

(Laughing)  Dude, does that Mickey Mouse stuff actually works? I thought that was just a song from The Blues Brothers?!

"Actually, Rawhide was a TV show son."

(Glock.  Glock.  Glock.  Glock.)

"Mr. Galaxia are you ok?"

I am...it's just that...let me ask you a question.  How do you know when u've really, and I mean really and truly met tha one.  Like...I shouldn't even be talking this with you.

(Spit.)  "I sense some doubt about if this is tha right decision."

It's just that I'm around beautiful women all tha time.  I mean, Bob, I'm still thinking about this girl I had the pleasure of talking with some on the other day.  She was physically what I like, mature, had a sexy accent I guess, cute, seemed mature.  I mean, she really seemed like a wifey type and somebody who's been around yet...she was in shape physically, she reminded me of Jeanie Buss from the Lakers.  Really cool and really sexy dude.  It's like I've gone from step to step...from cool girl to real cool girl to really really cool girl...Like my life with women has been in stages, and I just wonder if this is somebody worth hanging it up with.  She's so desirable, so many would die to have her, she's just stuff of legends.  I mean, how can anybody say 'No' to her, especially if she digs you some.

"Man, when are they gonna finish up this construction on Alton Road?  My horses can barely maneuver, anyway, where were we?"

How do you know..

"Yes..Yes  (Cough, Cough!  Cough Cough!) Excuse me, for that, I'm trying to quit this spitting tobacco, but ever since those days growing up on ranches in  tha Southwest.  I started around the time when the Bash Brothers were popular out in Oakland.  It's just been tough habit to...(Cough!  Cough!) to shake.  Galaxia, I'm gonna be honest with you."

Alright.

"From what I hear about who you're gonna propose to...I don't think you should do it."

Why not?  I mean, I'm never gonna get anybody who's gonna treat me like she will...Plus, she's super hot as well, I mean she's the finest looking girl around.

"Don't believe everything you see.  Looks aren't everythang, and once that ring goes on the finger, things change.  They say they won't, but as me and my five ex-wives will attest to, they will."

Huh.

"Plus, dude, u chased her too hard.  I mean, I heard some stuff, and read some articles about you and her, and you made her like ur main focus.  Doing everythang just for her.  Writing diaries and stuff.  Trying to blend in to what u thought her standards were, instead of just being yourself.  Believe you me, with a girl like her, u have to let her make the first moves.  Especially, with ur doll, cuz since every guy and from what I hear, many girls also want to be linked with her, u've given her all tha power.  Instead of making her come to you, u've been all 'goo-goo eyed' off this dame.  Making me come over here to South Beach, to have an expensive meal at a restaurant that is spelled only with vowels, when I could of had you over in Horse Country down South here in Miami, could have set up tha whole thang, and would have been just as nick.  I know what you are...You're..."

U're a lie.  I ain't pussy-whooped for nobody.  Don't you know who I am.  I'm...

"Yeah...yeah...Austino Galaxia.  Just from her past, and from how you are feeling right now.  If you aren't 100% sure about this, I wouldn't do it.  Besides, just think about how many other guys she's been with, and how she's turned them out. She's got guys to give up all their money, power...She's serious.  She gets guys when they're young...when they are old..."

I hate that word.

"Alright...more mature.  Don't think you are tha only guy who's fallen for her.  One of my ranch buddies, who we used to call Paco, God Bless his soul, used to have a phrase for women like her."

What was that.

"A tumbleweed in the desert always gets blown."

I don't know what in the name of Yosemite Sam that means but whatever dude...Whatever..

(Rawhide!)

Ok.  Ok.  Besides.  All these guys have had her, I know.  I mean, even T.I. and Pharrell wrote one my favorite songs, "Freak Though" about her, literally.

"Tha Rubber band gangster?"

(Smiling) Yeah....

"He's dope.  That is one of my favorites as well."

Ha Ha...Yeah he is..But that's in her past, I've worked so hard to get her, I finally got her, and...I just don't think that there is gonna be anything better than the high I get just thinking about her.  I wanted this type of girl all my life, and now to just...

"Listen to you.  She got you star-strucked.  Hooold On Boys!  Hold on!  We're pulling over here near Mt. Sinai hospital, so I can get real....Don't do it!  Don't do it!  Don't do it!  From what I hear you are gonna find a new girl in no time.  Besides u always talking about all these girls coming to you.  Be a man, don't let her take control of you.  I know she's attractive, and just thinking about what she can for you, can make you want her more.  I know just thinking about what this dame can do to you morning, noon, and night can make your cactus poke its thorn out, but she's nothing but trouble, at least the way that you've approached her. She knows that you want her so bad, and are willing to do whatever to get to her, and keep her.  So she's willing to play tha field cuz she knows she can always come back to you.  MAKE HER COME TO YOU!  ALRIGHT!"

Alright.

"If you do, I tell ya sonny boy, u'll be reeling her in, and she'll be doing things to you that you didn't even think was possible.  I know ur excited to have such a beauty on ur arm, and think she'll never come back, or that u'll never find anything like her.  But I look at it like this...If ur gonna have her, and if its meant for you two to be together then it'll happen.  Remember tha one who cares less in a relationship is in control of it.  I promise you, that once she understands that u don't give a flying squirrel whether u two are together or not.  Then she's gonna want you even more...And she's gonna come at you like an echo at tha Grand Cayon. Trust me on this. Trust me..."

Well, I guess it's nothing else to do.  Take me back home, I guess...

"Believe u me.  Ur doing tha right thang.  I'm saving you from a lot of trouble.  Just let it happen.  Let love happen...the right way.  Ur one of, if not the most desirable bachleors on the market, so u shouldn't be sweating her like u do.  She should be sweating you!  Believe u me, once u two break up, she's gonna see how great a catch u are, and dude...tha things she's gonna do to you.  Las Vegas Chicken Ranch type of  stuff...Once she gets her hands on the new you...She's gonna grab your..."

I get tha picture....I get tha picture...Let me call her to let her know...

(Doin' It for tha...Cuz We Wanna Live Tha Life of Tha Rich and Famous...Doin' It for tha...)

Hey...Hey...Baby...Look.  I'm gonna have to cancel those dinner plans that we had for tonight...I know, I know that's you favorite restaurant but...Perhaps, listen, I just have to be honest, I feel like we need a break. Look, it's not anybody else, nobody else....Look, look...It's me, it's not you.  I'm not growing with you...Huh...What?..Whatever.  So now u don't like how I cook your breakfast.  Toast tastes better when its burnt, alright! I don't underst...I'm not sure, I need some time to find myself.  There's a lot of beautiful women here in Miami, so I can't promise you that....Huh.  I will say this one thang.  You are about to see a whole new me.  Well, go and do you, but ur gonna miss out on a...(Bip!)

"Well?"

She hung up on me.  Bob I hope that you are right on this.  I'm putting faith in you.

"Son, put faith in urself.  She'll come running back...she'll come a running...Hey, at least now you're free to date that Angie...or Angel..."

Angelica Julia Guiterrez?!  The most beautiful girl I've ever met...You are right, tha door is now open.  Just wish she would somehow come soon, cuz I need her more than ever.

"She will.  I hear she's close."

Yeah, she's the only one left on tha list it seems.  But even when I do meet Angelica, I still can remember this ring I have, this buggy ride, and all those years wanting my, I guess now, 'Ex'.  I had her Bob, but ur right, I went overboard for her, now we just gonna let life come, one day I can reflect and laugh at how stupid I was, and how I got caught up in tha hype.  And one thing will stick out in my mind, Bob.

"What's that Austino Galaxia?"

I will never, ever...again...chase a girl name Fame.


Toodles.
Austino.