So kid...(COUGH! COUGH!)....I have no idea what they put in these things nowadays. I remember being the good old days being with Sinatra, Sammie Davis Jr., when u could puff away, but now with all these organic things or whatever....U can't even.. (Cough, Cough!)...enjoy the scenery anymore. (Cough! Cough!) Boy...Now where was I...
Aw yes, I've been waiting to speak to you. I was waiting here in South Beach, outside here...I've been wanting to visit down here for quite some time. So much so, that I actually came two days before I was schedule to come, just in hopes of finding you. Now that I got you, we gotta talk. I don't want you to say anything, but u just let me explain about what tha...deelio...is that what u kids call it nowadays, anyways, what tha deal is. Cuz of a few of these chicks I was cool with last year, June and May, told me that I should keep a strong eye on you. They told me about all that you would have to go through, until you met me. Now the time has come, so let's chat a little bit. Let me just ask, do all these broads down here in Miami Beach walk around here with floss as swimsuits? They are fiesty and ain't afraid to show it...First let me tell you a little bit about myself....
Alright, I guess I should introduce myself, my name is MM. Literally, that's not a nickname, that's my real name. And whatever u say, don't tell me that I'm named after those stupid candies. Those fellows owe me sumthing for stealing my name. Then they got all these pretty boys like William Levy romancing my name around...just the other day I was watching TV, and did u see that commercial with those thingys singing about how they wouldn't do this or that for love. Paah-leasse! I'm willing to bet a million that after those cameras stopped rolling, that little fellow was getting it in with all those pretty young things. I know I would have, wigs, playing tha piano, they forgot that "pony head on that stick" though, that's always a winner! I learned that from my sister Decee. Yeah, she said that her guy friend she calls, "NYE", always brings that out once a year, and its tha talk of the once a year party.
Yep, I am one of twelve siblings. Twelve siblings...we are all different. Some of us are longer than others. While others are completely shorter. Most of us are conceited though, I mean who celebrates their birthday for an entire month. I mean, just because you're adapted and are Hispanic or Black doesn't mean you can celebrate your birthday for weeks on end. They get all these elaborate celebrations, while on the other hand I get the same gift every year, matter of fact my only gift. It comes from my friend Mickey D. Every year I open up the box delivered to my address in Ireland, I open it up, and its a cold Shamrock Shake. I like it, but tha same thing for 20 some odd years....(Puff! Puff!)...it gets old after awhile.
I'm initially named after this Basketball thing u guys have over here in tha States. They show it on CBS every year. It fits perfectly because I guess I am kind of crazy, or let's be real, many of my friends say I'm flat out "mad" when it comes to my personality. I can't help it though. I mean, I got all these celebrities that just wanna be associated with me. I mean, I got Justin Beiber, Lady Gaga, Mariah Carey, Fergie, Quentin Tarentino, Adam Levine, all these people want there name to be in headlights with me and party with me. Since there are so many, I decided to give them a special day where they can have me all to themselves. But so many of them wanna party like, for an entire month. No! I'm busy, u get one day with me a year, and that's it.
There's so much I can say but that will take a lifetime. Ah...my favorite color is green. Does that help? I guess I'm not used to all the small talk, and fourplay, so let's get right into why I'm here...Cigarette?
(Huge Puff! With a deadly stare...)
So I've heard that my sister has been screwing you over or is it vice versa? I've been reading your stuff, sounds like you've been having some wild times with her. U know people talk, and I saw the pictures on Instagram...Partying til 5am in the morning....Partying til 4 in tha morning...She's so enticing, I know. She gives you Wine and Food down here in South Beach. Gives you tickets to see your favorite teams the Lakers and Heat, and then Bada-Boom! Bada Bing! But tha word on tha street is that you are livid about how's she's treated you lately. Kid, let me let you in on a secret...
She's done this to every guy one time or another.
I mean, she's even disassociated herself from our family. She thinks she's so pretty. Always wanting roses, and chocolate. I've never seen somebody who won't even give a guy a chance unless he brings her chocolate hearts. Its gotten ridiculous. The cards, the love notes, and on top of that, she has this guy, who's straight out of some lost reality show. Her so called "BFF". This small guy walks around with arrows, dude! FREAKING ARROWS! A real man needs not an arrow to get tha ladies to love him, but this guy...shooting and missing, I mean, when's tha last time that he's actually hit somebody down here in Miami? Yet all these folks are hyping him up like a Beyonce concert, when he hasn't been successful since Sonny and Cher! I know he's missed you, didn't you write about that?
But yeah dude, my Big Sis, has gotten out of control. It didn't help that now the Super Bowl wants to be associated with her, so now she's all out of her ego. To top it all off, she recently changed her name to Fevrier. It's some kind of French name or something. I went off on her, I just told her point blank, "B---- you ain't French!!" I guess tha Irish side of me came out, but somebody got to stop her. And now its seemed like she had her eyes solely on you. Like she had some kind of 27 day plan to mess with your head, and have you wondering what's going on? She only does this to the hot guys, u do know that right. I mean Beckham moved with her, Kobe's had an up and down time just hearing her name, but you my friend, you she's had her eyes on for some time.
Now, I know you hate this chick right now, and I ain't gonna lie, I do to. I mean, this chick is only 28 days older than me, if it's a good day and she leaps its 29, and she thinks that her 11 brothers and sisters should arrange our year around her. And she's even tricked so many couples around the globe to revolve one day around her being. Wild dude!
Yet...(Puff! Puff! A-brew ha ha...A-brew ha ha!) U would think I've never had one of these before, but...Yet and still, I've heard through tha grapevine...that she introduced you to a special lady about two weeks ago. Uh-huh! Lady J. You know who I'm talking about. Somebody said that you still are in awe of her. Interesting. I know that happens all the time, but THAT doesn't happen all the time. U remind me of myself. I saw you and that lady earlier today on Michigan Ave. Yeah, she was beautiful dude, a real wo-man. Her eyes lit up as she passed you, while you were holding two bags of toliet paper dude. U got that look from holding toliet paper! Then she smiled so wide, and u two exchange pleasantries. Didn't u once say u thought you were gonna married a tan, beach, blonde beauty? This is from experience...Don't ever limit yourself. Beauty comes in all packages and shapes. I know u know this, like I've said, I've been following you, so I've seen your...ah...inventory. (Wink! ) Very top shelf I must say!
And then u must also think about what my Sis has done for your brotha. He's had a wild last few weeks, but it's been a blessings for him. Wouldn't u say? So sometimes just because Febbie, that's what I called her growing up, just because she's been a nightmare in ur side recently, doesn't mean she's still not somebody's else dream. I know her, and she's just playing these games...I know...U and her got into a fight today, and she cut you. Right below your thumb, which somebody told you is the most torturous spot. U bled and bled profusely. This other girl asked you if u wanted to file a report, and you declined. Then its been like everything has been off. Like, she promised you that u'll go on a shopping spree, or that things would happen socially that u expected to, but didn't. Matter of fact, before us two talked, u had a nap dream didn't you. With a guy in it, telling you, basically how close you are to this..life. U wanted. Its been tough.
But that's why she wanted to come into ur life. U've been talking about how u want tha best, And how not to settle for nothing less than that. In her mind, she thinks she's tha sexiest one, at least out of tha children. Wearing red everywhere she goes, got Babyface and John Mayer in her Ipod constantly. So in her mind, she figures that if you can handle her, u can handle anything. She's been the ultimate test really. Can u survive someone who knows what potential you have, and who's goal has been to make it as crazy as possible. Dude, she's messed with your head so much, she's got u writing poems and stuff! I'm telling u, she's something else, but now...
U get me.
Now, I'm not trying to screw or bang or whatever. I'm not into that. I used to date this girl named April. She was born just a little bit after I was. I'm telling you when they said that "her thang" smelled like a garden, it actually did....I'm done with this bogey. (Squish! On cement.) But dude u don't hear me, she actually had the scent of flowers attached to her, it followed her all the time. The thing that I didn't like about her was that she was always down. I mean always...She thought it was raining in her life all the time.
Now knowing me, I'm the ultimate party guy. I mean, who do u think invented the slogan, "Kiss me, I'm Irish". Huh? So since I know people, I took her to all the hot parties. Got tickets to Ultra Music Fest...I was down here for all the rooftop parties during tha Winter Music Conference...I hear you might be coming too, its gonna be wild down here, so I got a hotel room for like 32 days, including tonight. I think I might take her to that Alicia Keys concert too. A. Keys told my guy, who I call Triple A, once again, not that "triple a", that she'll only come see him if I would come along. So I might take April for that.
I told her that u can't be down all the time, and that sometimes things happen so that u can get prepared for what lays ahead. U, Galaxia, right? U're always talking about relationships, and breakups, well this ain't no different. As much as u like my sister, and have been in love with her for so long from afar. I think it's time for you two to break up. I know, u thought this time would be different, and how she was tha one. Or how u lived it up so well...But dude, u gotta wake up. While u've been sweating her, and wanting her to love you, inside she's just...she's one of those girls who likes all the attention. That's all.
She plays games dude, and like I said earlier, she's been having you on her radar for some time. The ultimate bachelor, u consider yourself, right? So u take the hard lessons, all those times u were dissed, all the times u felt like she was pressuring only you to bring tha energy every day...and night. U wondered when is she gonna do something for you. Wondering how come you are a victim of scheduling? How come ur constantly sacrificing time and time again, and not getting anything back in return from her. U don't want those type of girls in ur life anyway. U want a lifestyle where u can live it up. And guess what...
I'm just tha man for that.
U say ur "The Zen Master of Fun." Well, brotha get ready...As I told you above of all those events above. Now you are about to have the most fun in ur life. And I'm gonna lead tha way. We're gonna "March" our way through every boundary. See, here's a blessing in disguise. U complained how u didn't spend money on my Sis, like u wanted to. But tha blessing out of that is now, u have an unlimited spending limit. And what u thought was holding u back, was actually a way for you to live free and have so much fun without even thinking about it.
I just have two rules.
1. Don't get so egotistical of all the great things that are about to happen to you. This is super important, cuz "the life" of fame, and money, and pretty girls can get you out of whack. It's gonna be a wild ride, and the goal is to share tha fun with others and not downgrade other people. U got it.
And number two, is don't hit on my other sister, who a lot of guys find hot. See, she won Ms. July not too long ago, and whenever guys even think about her, fireworks go off in their head about the possibility of hooking up with her. She looks hot. And I promise, she's waiting for you, cuz she's told me so.
But I want you stay in tha moment. Cuz the fun that is about to jump off is gonna be amazing. I suggest you write about it. Let others see ur level of fun, and how just because it seems dark one moment, tha next one could be the best thing that will ever happen to you. U got it.
Alright. I gotta go pick up Fish Sandwich at the Brickell Irish Pub. It's like they got them on sale everywhere I go. I got that lucky touch I guess. By the way, do u know where I can pick up a D. Wade jersey. I love him cuz he wears my favorite number, the number three. That stands for so much...
And soon that will also be a number u won't forget!
I'm heading out...remember it's really about to be on. Move on! And let me guide u! U got it?
I got it.
(Walking away.)
When I get back I' got more to tell you...Like about this other girl that can't live without me. A beautiful Cuban girl.... Her name is Calle Ocho....And man, could she could dance...and dance...and...dance...
Austino Galaxia. (Wink!)
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