This might be very short...this might be very loooong. I really don't have an idea, but what I do know is that our life is really, really, really getting juicy. Like a Big Buford from Checker's or Rally's if u're up North! We're gonna let it all hang out and tell you about all these crazy experiences that's been going on in our life. These are true stories, so don't think we made any of this up. Let's all hold on as we get it in on tonight. No bragging or boasting, we gonna let everything speak for itself. Where do we start? I need a song to get into the groove...C'mon Biggie, "I love it when u call me....".
Speaking of which, we're always talking about how we meet or women come to us in the wildest and craziest places. So I'm at the Citgo gas station near Brickell, and its like 5am in the morning. I get to the pump, step out and walk over to the bulletproof window where they have to slide out the drawer for you to give them their card or whatever. I see homegirl through the window, and say, "Hi (In my psuedo-shy voice), Can you give me $18 on pump 12?" This woman like almost jumped through the window, by putting her face up to the glass, and the Robocop speaker, and yells, "HUH?!!!" I'm thinking this girl is talking way too loud, it's way too early to be talking that loud in the morning. I repeat, almost with an attitude, "I want $18 dollars on pump 12." All the while this was going on, I sense this woman coming near me from behind, like talking. I assume she's on the phone, and I'm making sure this checkout lady don't add no Black and Mild's to my debit card, but this woman is getting closer, and I faintly hear, "Good Morning, Big Papi!" I thought she was on the phone, so whatever...Next thing I notice, I turn and hear this woman snapping...ON ME! She's firing about, "I WAS JUST SAYING HI, I WASN'T EVEN ASKING YOU FOR MONEY." And all this stuff....I'm thinking, "Ooops, my bad!" Cuz I don't like to brush anybody off, no matter who they are. But its too early in the morning for all this drama. Seems like these girls like coming up on me, when I'm vulerable which is usually when I got a gas pump in my hand. I already talked about me and this "lady of the night" who I ended up scooping up at the BP gas station off of Coral Way, taking to her place, she offered me her services, I thought about it, she told me whenever I needed "something", and I drove off wondering about how Arroz Con Pollo tastes for breakfast! Now that I think about it, tomorrow is Valentine's Day...a perfect day for a little tit for tat. That totally didn't come out right, but, u get the gist of it!!
So much...I love to have fun. And these last few days have given me memories, to the point where I don't even know what's going on. Saturday night, I was up...late....late....early. Just having fun with some cool peeps. Man, that Mary Brickell Village is jumping dude! Saw a lot that night, and morning...A few nuggets of choice. I've never seen a security guard give a patron a cold cup of water to sober up. That was legendary! I mean the cup even had ice in it and all! I'm bugging up laughing as he gave the look of, "Bro, u really need this right now!" I just wonder who was watching the door as he was playing Bentley for tha moment. Ah...hold up, I gotta get my grill warmed up, for these Turkey Burgers, I'm gonna make for the tommorrow's lunch, hold up....Alright, I'm back. That was funny! But yeah, just a lot of good times throughout the night, all in the name of Ms. J's birthday. I usually am not a heavy drinker, but sometimes u just gotta enjoy life, and enjoy good food, and even a drink or two. That's in the Bible as well, ain't it, I think I'm becoming a ghetto preacher or something! Which we are...of Fun!! That verse is Ecclesiastes 8:15. I'm being real now, so don't be scared....So after a Menage a Trois of a Margarita a and a shot of a...Buttery Nipple? We were good for the night, and maybe the year! (Wink!) And of course, we love to dance, so yeah...it was a good time.
Which was kind of wild that I got back home like around Kevin Durant's Team USA jersey time, cuz I had to go to sleep, and then wake up to squeeze in a Sunday School lesson, and then get ready for my favorite rivalry of them all. The Lakers vs. The Heat down here in Miami. So, for this game which was on a Sunday afternoon, which are always the most fun to attend. Definitely down here in Miami. The sun is out, nobody's thinking about work, and that truly was the case for me. Even though we work for the Heat, this is the one time during the season where I'm really neutral, and I get to just sit back and enjoy the show, and what a show it was. Anytime u get Kobe, Lebron, D Howard, D Wade, Nash, Bosh, Metta World Peace, and others (I so miss Pau Gasol.) on tha same court, its always special. This game is super special cuz its a new tradition for us down here, I'm at the Triple A like ALL THA TIME, but this is my Pops favorite team (Besides tha Bulls) and our fam used to go see the Lakers up north, when they played the Bulls with Jordan and Pippen during that 72 win season of '95-'96. Seen the Lakers a lot. In Indianapolis...I remember hooping in college and begin on the bench, no hobo here, being on the bench and as tha game was getting close, but we kept getting down by more points, I was literally thinking, "I really wanna win this game. Like a lot....But....I got these tickets for next week for the Lakers and Bulls game, and I really wanna go see Kobe and Shaq play and Phil Jackson coach back in the Chi...So if we win cool....But if we lose...I'll holla!" I'm being real.
But tha game was super awesome! My homie Frankie Stacks and myself, lived it up big time. I got pictures galore, and some videos (Shhh, I know its illegal, but...) that I may post here soon. Atmosphere was hyped, Laker nation was thick as a video vixen that day, but some stuff off the court really got me wondering, "What is going on in our life."
So I wanted to truly enjoy the game as a fan. So for the first time, I took the bus over from South Beach here to the arena. No Vespa, no driving our car, we just wanted an authentic experience. I took my Samsung headphones, which I don't like compared to the Coloud Color ones which I love, just to listen to some jams, not make it seem like I'm too high maintenance and live in my own galaxy, which I am and do sometimes...ok, a lot. I cross over Alton Road to catch the S Bus on 8th and Alton. The bus is running late, I'm taking so pics testing out the SG 3, and checking out some sights and sounds of the day. The bus comes, and I have my headphones on, I get on and as I'm about to deposit my $2, this bus driver is like, "Take off your headphones", and I was about to snaaaapp! I know Miami-Dade transit be trippin', but now a brotha can't even listen to some Jamiroquai while on tha bus?!!
The next like 20 minutes happened so fast, that I still don't know what happened. The bus driver then, after I took off my headphones, asked me to help this gentleman up the bug step onto the bus. So I grab his bags, he ordered me to place them in the bag compartment in the front. Then the bus driver, who was a female, like...she began to hit on me. Now I know somebody's like, "Austin, would u stop it, every woman ain't hitting on u brotha. Chill with it." But, ah...au contraire corn fritter, this woman begins to like really talk to me. About taking my shirt off of me, and my laces, cuz they both were pink. I'm in the front with her, as she's talking all this...She continues to talk about taking my sunglasses off of me, and stuff. As I think back on it, she could chorograph one heck of a Vegas Burlesque show, I think! She kept on talking about Jungle Island, and the characters of South Beach, and on us passing this man that she said looked, like one of the Avatars! U can't make this stuff up! Talking about getting her 90s outfit together with pink leggings, a la Jane Fonda, and getting her sneakers. It got OOC (Out of Control) dude...Then, on top of that, she flat out told me that the only thing on her mind, was let me quote this..."Getting Me a Burger". She said that like 4 times. So as a guy, u looking at this girl, and ur like, "she got some nice eyes"....talkative...should I pull out tha breath-o-fresh spray, and give two squirts into tha mouth, and see if everything I learned from watching How To Be a Player works! But we had more things on our mind, and we knew we'd get our feel at the game...Little did I know, that somebody else had the same thing in mind. Oh boy!
Hope I'm not boring u, I know I can jibber jabber. But our life is getting more and more exciting... Back to the story.
Tha game was very exciting. Had very awesome seats as well. So after seeing the game, The Donald do his Presidential tour around the court, after seeing a near brawl in the section we were sitting over Kobe and his acquitted rape charges of yesteryear, after seeing the girls go crazy over the sight of William Levy (1980 was the best year to be born wasn't it!), and more hilarious, after seeing Lil Weezy turn around, point his fingers to his eyes and point to indicate to somebody that he's "watching them" and then give a symbol of a "glock loaded" sign, I was absolutely hysterical in laughter! It was a big thing after tha game, but I saw it, didn't hear what was said, but I told F Stacks, "Ain't that like a threatening charge or something?" But I feel him....So after all that, we decided to go down to tha Heat store after the game.
This place was packed, man...I've never, even when I had season tickets to the Heat, I never went to the store after tha game. First off, they had a line that was just as long as the line to Mansion circa 2007. Then, u really couldn't move. But it began to thin out some. So me and my dude were over looking at some of the throwback Heat Jackets, and then I let out a little, "Screech!" I turn and look and this Asian guy is walking away from me. And I just yell out, "THIS GUY JUST FELT MY BUTT!" Frankie Stacks was just smiling about it, but dude, he like grabbed my whole entire left butt cheek, and just walked away. No joke! I was so stunned...kinda. As we said, in our last post, and throughout this diary, we are very comfortable with our sexuality and level of sensuality. We like girls as fish like dry land, so...maybe wrong example..But if some guys feel like they can make us become disenchanted over the high price of pudding, but telling us that lollipops are now on sale, so be it. I've learned over our life, get used to it. It comes with the territory. I'm gonna stop right there on that.
Alright. Here's a tip. If u wanna make this a two parter, I suggest u stop reading now. Cuz we STILL have some more crazy stories to tell. If u stop, thanks for reading up 2 here, and I hope u enjoy the rest at ur convience. If ur gonna continue on, then get ready...we have some more wild stuff.
South Beach. Our home here in Miami Beach, is a wild stuff. The absolutely things you see. We have so many people from all over the world visiting us here in the city. I don't think people can really grasp having so many people coming to ur neighborhood 2 just have a good time. A lot of Europeans are coming to "Tha land of the Beautiful People"...I was working out at DB Gym, and I'm not kidding you, I saw the loudest speaking dude, I've ever seen! I'm on the bench press, trying to think about how crazy I am to be doing this Pro workout in tha first place, I hear this language that resembled something of Russian dialect being shouted across the workout floor, except one thing...He was talking to tha dude, right in front of him. Like one foot away!! If that...Now here in Miami, we have some loud talking people...I mean, I talk loud at times, just because I have 1/3rd ghetto in my blood anyway! Then a lot of Cuban people and friends I know always joke around how family get-togethers can be a great setting for a demo on new earplugs as well. So u get used to it here in tha Magic City! But that was like a KISS concert on HGH! Ridiculous...
So Monday night, I was still kind of recovering from the weekend. I was in chill mode. I had some "me" time. And was laying in bed, lights off, and glasses off, and about to dream about tha day they bring the dance show Caliente back to Univision on Saturday mornings, what routine I'll used at my tryout, when all of a sudden I hear a "knock, knock , knock" on my door. Everything's dark in our showroom, and I know that people don't usually knock on our door, especially this time of night. So I immediately grab my eyeglasses on the bed headboard, and I click on my IKEA floor lamp, which I have to replace cuz the lamp shade has peeled some, but as we do at tha crib, when a piece is falling off, u just turned that bad boy to tha corner, over to the side where u can't see it, and nobody would notice a thing...at least they wouldn't til now! So I hopped outta my bed, and went over to the door, and peak in the keyhole, and I see this ange...
"Hi! ('Hi')...my name is A------- and we just moved in, but our toliet is ah... stopped. Do you's have a...plun-ger?" This girl had a serious European accent which was cool...kinda liked it. So I told her to let me check, and I promise you she checked out place out, and dag gone near came in, which woulda been a whole hour post in and of itself...Y'all didn't catch that did you?! Anyways, so I checked and no plumber in the bathroom, so she said she asked around, (Although, I didn't hear too many knocks after us) and we said 'Good Night' or 'Bye' and that was that. But after I closed the door, I ai'nt gonna lie. I've seen a lot of girls asleep (Cute), and we've seen a lot of girls as they are about to go to sleep (Cute...maybe), but I don't think I've seen anybody look as good in PJ's as she did standing in front of our door. Boyfriend shorts, Blonde hair, sexy European face, and she was barefoot in the hallway, which shows either she don't care and she's a true beach gal or that she's crazy and loves to walk the asphalt in her feet, which if u live here in South Beach, I don't recommend that, even in tha rain. No matter tha case, I just shook my head just thinking two things....That's a heck of a visual to end my day...And..."What time does Home Depot close again?!!"
Oh, this is fun, ain't it. I'm probably getting cussed out for all this we're talking about, but...this is our diary. If u've been reading about our life, we keep saying it's all about sharing tha fun, and our life is one worth watching. For real, ain't nuthing like it really. Then u throw in our crazy self, who really don't care about sharing embarrassing moments, or crazy sights, or what really goes through the minds of guys, especially ones who are single, then "Wah-Lah" u get this. It'll never happen like this again, so we all need to cherish this special thang that's occurring. It won't, dude....
What other crazy things...I saw this SUV driving near my block of 8th and Jefferson, with a bed mattress on top. But what was crazy about it, was the guy in the passenger seat, had like his whole, not just his hand, but his whole body out the window, holding the mattress down with both hands. All the while, the driver was holding it with both hands as well! Just kidding, with only one, but if that wasn't enough, after they passed me, the driver had the nerve to honk his horn at a group of like 3 girls that were walking on the sidewalk! Go figure! I guess if u can't bring the girl to the bed, u might as well bring the bed to tha girl, huh!! Only in Miami....
Another only in Miami...I saw this 4 year old kid tatted up. I was looking as I was walking on Meridian Ave., that this shorty has a tat on the inside of his forearm. I think it was fake, but it should did look like a Kat Von D project possibly on his arm. Could u imagine, a reality show like "School Bus Ink" debuting on the Disney channel late at night. The storylines would be endless...A 5 yr. old wanting a Bugs Bunny tat, but due to copyright laws, the tattoo kid aka "A Plus" tells him "No", and next thing u know it, they get into a fight or what about a 3rd grade girl walking into the parlor wanting to have the tattoo of her perfect attendance certificate removed because she wants to miss a day of school to see Taylor Swift perform on Ellen. That's real reality TV...at least I think so!
And lastly we come to today...Yeay, I actually talk about today, which had some wild stuff. So I'm went to wash my car up on Biscayne Blvd., that's a long ride from Kendall...nother story on that. So we're at the most...they gotta do a show on the K-Mart parking lot on like 107th and Biscayne Blvd. Everything and everyone goes down there...literally. See I saw a guy and a girl just sitting in a car today, and then I just saw the guy, and wondered what happened to tha girl, even though she didn't get out of the car...U be tha judge. But, after tha wash, I drove around the corner to park in tha lot. I parked where it was some shade. It was windy. And no less than 5 minutes after I park, and am drying off the ride, this black freakin' Navigator comes like right next to my driver's side, crooked mind you, and parks. I'm totally looking like,"ARE YOU SERIOUS!" There's freakin' 150 spots empty at this place, u have tha choice of anyone even with shade, and the T-Pain microphone ain't on sale no more, so u don't have to worry about anybody mad rushing and smashing ur ride, and u wanna park right next to me. So now we look like Beverly Hills couple that wants to sit alone at the down home country family picnic! Crazy...
So I try my best to ignore this lady. I look inside, and this lady was talking on the phone like she was the new Black Widow from the Cocaine War days of Miami, chomping at the mouth on her headphones and junk. I'm just drying off my car, like she's trying to use us as a front, but what she don't know is that if Tubbs and Crockett comes for me and I go down, I'm spilling all tha baked, pinto, and in her case, black beans on everything from the disappearance of Bigfoot all the way to why they cancelled the show Playmakers back in tha day. And as for tonight, I've spilled too much...
I gotta go 2 sleep now.
Bye Diary.
And be ready...it's gonna keep on getting better.
I promise.
Austino.
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