Alright. It's a Friday night and I'm...getting some well needed rest. No hitting tha town...No partying...Not even gonna watch any hoops late night style, nope just rest. Rest our mind. Rest our body. Rest our soul. That sounds like a great way to begin a book doesn't it?!! But, I totally feel like I haven't got any sleep in tha last two weeks. I didn't say days, I said...weeks! Its been wild as we've documented in our diary, but life is all about living life up to tha fullest, and that we have. Just wanted to jot a few things down here cuz its been crazy. Crazy! Crazy! Cra-zee! And of course, I have a lot of stories to share, don't we always? So let me see if I can actually remember what happened tha last few hours and days living here in Miami, and more specifically "Tha Land of Tha Beautiful People" here in the hood of South Beach. Which is like, off tha charts right now with people for this South Beach Food and Wine Festival. There are so many people from across the world...like...
For instance. I step out of my showroom early in tha morning, to get ready to go 2 tha great chalupa making factory i.e. "tha gig". Now its early, I make that left turn around the block off of Jefferson Ave., and walk straight on 8th street here in the Beach area. I can hear all this noise in tha background, and its some people walking giggling it up. Of course, this isn't nothing new in SoBe because, usually there are people stumbling around, or bed springs a squeaking all hours of the night. And usually at this time of night, folks are just coming out of tha club and wondering where tha next stop is going to be. So I'm just chilling, letting our motor in our car get to a purring, when this group of peeps walk closer. I could hear there accent, which from my experience watching The Benny Hill Show, back in tha day, indicated they were from Europe. Man...that show still had the most beautiful women on a sitcom slash comedy power hour slash whatever. I guess girls like to laugh right...hummm (Index finger touching our mouth as we write this!), I never knew! So these Garbage Pail Kids circa 2K one three walked our way, and they were all cool, except for this one.
It was this girl, and no she wasn't dress up like a Spice Girl...and no she wasn't a dress with headlights all over it with the two in the middle lit up, but this chick was dress up like a freakin' penguin! Yes, tha same as in "Chilly Willy". Tha same as that dance made famous in tha 70's. Heck, tha same as the villain in Batman who spewed gas out of an umbrella. Whic is wild too, since other people passed out after sniffing it, and home dude, without a mask, just kept going with a long stick cigarette in his mouth. Amazing....But this girl had on a penguin suit, with her face out, but the beck...I mean Beek...What tha...does anybody know how to spell "be-eek". So that thing was on top of her head. Priceless. And it wasn't even an Halloween party...I don't think, that they attended. Wild sight for 5am in tha morning. I should asked her penguins actually get wet, but that would have been...let's all say it together now..."Awwkward" Yeah man....
"Sex, Drugs, and Real Estate", a very smart man once told me this. Ok, I don't know if he was smart or not, cuz he was a Realtor here in Miami (Isn't everybody?!), but he was mad cool. And as I was looking for showrooms down here in South Beach, more specifically the South Of Fifth area off of Washington Ave., he told me two things I haven't forgotten from that 2005 day. One, he told me that you're gonna hit what "all people here in South Beach hit in which they party for 7 straight days". Although, I haven't reached seven...wait a minute, it hurts for me to even think back on the most I've been out "straight". Just tha thought I guess brings back old memories...I should discuss the first time I went to a club down here in South Beach, maybe in a few...So that quote is classic, as is the "S, D and R.E." one we just quoted. Let me tell you, folks down here in South Beach, and Miami in general, don't give a 'darn' (Censors are u now happy. I know my Mom and Pops are! Lol!) about how can I put this...exhibiting the pluses and minuses of narcotic use. Let me explain...
U can walk anywhere down here in South Beach, and smell the scent of weed. And being a smelltologist-in-training I know wee...or from what people tell me (Wink!), tha scent matches what I consider to be tha drug known on tha West Coast as Snoop D Oh Double G. I was walking past Lincoln Road, yes that Lincoln Road, the Rodeo Drive of the South, where one moment ur looking at models passing by, and on tha next folks are passed out in tha grass smoking a cigarette without hands...with there face point to tha sky. Folks are talented down here for real. So I'm walking, and I put this on cast of How High, that the whole block smelled like, ok I'm gonna give this a try...it smelled like paraphnelia. Almost. I'm like, what's going on...And then I look at this guy who was walking like 15 steps ahead of me, and no joke, he was walking with a roach in his hand, not tha dancing one, but he was chiefing away, right in tha open. People in Miami don't care. Folks be in cars, with tha windows down, riding dag gone past cops like, "I dare you, or I'm telling on you too." And then...
The Afroman about this whole thing, I was walking home, and I looked to my left and noticed this woman in her apartment. For once, I wasn't looking on purpose, I just happened to turn my head, and she was in tha kitchen it looked like, and what got me was she was wearing this mask on her face that resembled something Michael Jackson had on back in 2004 before he hopped on top of that SUV outside of the Los Angeles courtroom. Now, from...please Lord, don't let any cops be reading this, pleaseee...from what I've "heard" and from what I've seen on movies that come on at 1am on Showtime, is that while people are cooking up batches of their goods, they wear those Dr. 90210 masks as they are baking and shaking. That's what I've...heard. So now I'm like, they cooking up batches with tha windows open, in tha middle of tha evening here in tha 305. Just telling y'all what I saw. That's all...
Another crazy sight. I was at the ultimate spot to see it all here in South Beach. The corner of 6th and Meridian. Remember I wrote about this spot back in 2011. So funny how time flies when u're having fun. It was at nighttime, and I was at tha spot washing my clothes, and dag gone fighting for machines for it was like the whole neighborhood was trying to get there Snuggles on. I hugging tha block to check out tha scenery, and this car pulls up like ultra-illegal into this spot laced with diagonal stripes. If it were any more stripes added u would have thought the spot was reserved for Foot Locker employees only! So I...nobody got that joke...Anyway, I turned to my right, and then next thing I know it, I turned back to my left, and there was 6 people standing outside the ride, and my jaw dropped, like how could six full grown people, step out of a Ford Focus. Simply Amazing! There were 5 dudes, and a girl, speaking French. I'm telling u it's very international down here in tha MIA right now. I just thought, am I tha only one who can recognize all tha languages but can't speak nothing but English, some pieced together Spanish, and if tha moment calls for it...i.e. standing in line at Pollo Tropical, some broken Creole? And once again, to top it all off, this boy band and lead singer all parked illegally to go into the dollar store. U can't tell me that they flew a red eye, to come to South Beach with all the sights and sounds just to go to this neighborhood dollar store. I tell ya...Yelp is a mutha!
I should stop cuz I really need some rest, big time. But...u never know when it may be tha last time, so we're gonna push through it, and reveal some more craziness going on in our life...
Here in Miami we have some legit professional Party People. Like that's their profession. I mean its truly an art form. On today, well, the other night as well, we were thinking about some of our memorable nights here in Miami. And there have been a few. Let's see what can I reveal here in tha diary that won't get me into too much trouble....
U got this one night eating dinner at tha Cheesecake factory, and one of the guys in our party showing up wearing nothing but a bed sheet. Not kidding, my bro walked in, on a Friday Night, to tha CC factory at Aventura Mall, wearing nothing but a bed sheet. And u got all these people staring at him like he's a King or Prince from a yet to be discovered island off of Malaysia. Wild.
Riding in a car hearing stories about someone's former life as a peeping Tom in windows was borderline...too much. Silly...
The first club I went to down here wasn't Mansion, or Cameo...LIV wasn't around just yet, it was actually The Fifth right where Club Play is now. Somehow had a "hookup" and I was ready to go...and I went solo. I had this old, oh, what's tha name of that phone company, they...Oh...shoot! I'm going back tonight...How many of y'all had "Helio" as a cell phone carrier. That company was so...so cool! They had live TV, so I would watch the NBA playoffs (Lebron when he was still on Cleveland) on tha cloc....I mean during some free time at tha job. On this night, I was fitted out like, "I'm in Miami Bia Bia". Swagged up, and as I was walking, I had my favorite song at the time blasting on my phone. Ne-Yo's...well u just have to click here to find out what song it was. I was ret-ta-go son! I didn't even need any breath spray cuz my swag was so fresh! (I gotta use that one.) So I walk up to tha joint, dropped my name like I was Tha Last Don, and off course, I heard that click, and tha red rope came off, and I was about to get it in Vegas style. But....
It wasn't jumping! I just was like, all this hype, off all the days of hookups, they gave me the wrong night. Maybe they did it on purpose, and gave me tha weakest night! Almost like Black History Month only having 28 days instead of the full...that's another story. But I liked tha lay out and all, but it wasn't a good night. Evidently they had a few more bad nights since it closed down not too long after. But, an experience is an experience.
The Hard Rock up north was wild, and me and my boy happened to be in tha house tha day that brought Poker down to South Florida. It looked like a old wild west saloon with people in Cowboy hats, wearing sunglasses inside, they had an upstairs which I didn't know if it lead to the VIP room or Aunt Bethel's Brothel, it was just a wild night.
A wild night slash morning occurred when tha Tom Joyner Morning Show had their free telecast down here in South Beach at the Jackie Gleason. It was free, but I really didn't feel like waking up early to go. So I went to bed...but while I was in bed, I had a dream like MLK, that I ended up getting in. And something or Someone told me to wake up, put on u knickers and walk down to tha show. So we did. Walking though South Beach during the wee hours of the night is an adventure. I thought it would be a small wait, but dude, there were HUNDREDS of people waiting in line to get in, many of which came...once again....straight from the club to this show. I was there early like 4am I think. It was packed and I didn't think I was gonna get in.
So as the line wound around, u could hear rumors that it was getting packed inside. Once again, it was a free, first come, first serve show. I'm standing in line, getting close to the front of tha Jackie Gleason, when all of a sudden I hear, "THE DOOR IS OPEN...THE DOOR IS OPEN!" I looked, and then bolted like Usain through these doors, and I'll be Charlie Brown if I ended up RIGHT next to the stage. I ran to the back, so I wouldn't get caught by anyone. And acted like I've been there all the time looking at a Shakespearean pre show or something. That was fun. I got so see Stevie Wonder, India. Arie, and the singer Kem, for free. Plus laughs and just a great time. And then when we got out around 10am, I had to go to class in two hours. Typical Miami life...Party and have a good time FIRST, then go to work! Ha ha!
Kind of rambling, hope this ain't boring...I remember, and I think I wrote about this, me getting into the shower here in tha showroom, only to realize that I didn't have any soap. I was butt naked. I put clothes on, and walked to Walgreen's only to find my dream girl at tha time Vanessa Williams up in there as well. That was crazy.
What else? There was this time these two girls needed some help here in tha apartment building. Evidently somebody broke into their apartment, and somehow, someway, I ended up going over to their place. I'm always around these beautiful girls, interesting but true. So I'm in there place for like hours til the police came. They talking about where they were from, and tha South Beach life, and I'm inside wondering, "How in God's green Earth did I not realize that these two beauties were feet away from me!" Crazy night dude...
One night, I actually got sick. I did a wrong exercise at tha gym or something...I later found out that it was the underwear I was wearing, that's why I borderline swear by Emporio Armani cuz they are the only ones who give me...well, support. This is getting too personal, ain't it...Whatever, I-Don't-Care!...I think I called the crib first and talked to my Pops and basically told him that my, how to put this as well...my nuts were swollen. Can't put it any other way. I tried everything from pain pills to...I don't believe I'm saying this to the Galaxian nation, but...
When u have limited resources, and ur half rich boy, half ghetto-fied as I am, u...Kieno, this is for you..."You gotta do, what u gotta dooo!!" So a brotha didn't have no ice cubes, and since I was living this South Beach eat out every day lifestyle, all I had was some white rice in the cupboard, and in tha fridge a 32 ounce of Gatorade. If I had a partner, me and her could have done some wild things with tha rice...but since I was alone, the only thing to take away tha pain, or at least I thought was too grab the 32 ounce of Gatorade, lay my e-po-nepa headed self down on the bed...pull down my pants...and go down a few centimeters lower than the guy on American Pie. (This is so freakin' embrassing! So much so!) I don't think this is what Gatorade had in mind, but as I held this bottle to my cahoonas, all I could think about is, that for one, I'm glad I don't have Cinemax at this time of night (Then again, this might had been a good time that I wish I did!) and two, how long can this bottle stay on chill, and is it really working.
After a minute or two (Ha ha! I gotta laugh cuz that's funny in and of itself!) it began to dry out, and the bottle that began all cool with sensation, began to get boring, and began to feel like any other 32 ounce bottle. Plus, my need still wasn't meet. Does this sound familiar to anybody?!! I'm getting in trouble right now aren't eye?!! So I figured, for the first and only time, I had to call 911. I had to first look in my contacts to get the number.....I need five minutes on Leno for real!!....then I called, told the woman my situation, or partially told her. I didn't wanna get too detailed you know, just because they do tape record those calls, and the last thing I need is when I become really famous to have somebody release a tape of me saying, "that I think I've lost my marbles."
Next thing I know it, I see the sirens and flashing lights. It was just like the freakin' movies man. I ah came limping out, barely able to walk. These fireman pulled me up to the back and laid me down. I was hurting...bad y'all. Dudes were asking me all these questions about insurance and stuff, if he asked about life insurance, I surely would have stop, drop, and rolled my behind back into the building that for sure! So we pulled off, speeding through the grimey streets of South Beach. I felt like a star! I was going through all the same things that the old school Hollywood legends of old went through. Your nobody until u ride in tha back of an ambulance!
We get to Mount Sinai Hospital. Their emergency room. I limp out tha ride. Then I go inside the joint, and late night in Miami hospitals is like a reality show for real. People lying in leather coats on stretchers talking to themselves, people being whisked by...it was a scene worthy of a PBS special. They laid me down and I think I blanked out. I remember being on a stretcher being ran through the hallways of tha hospital from one building to tha next, in and out of elevators like it was a game being ran in a hotel on a Saturday night. Then I began to think about, "Is this tha end?" No kids, no freek of tha week, nuthing....Through tha morning, they gave me tests, with this machine, rubbing like some kind of gel, that I wish I had of stolen a quart or two, cuz they put that gel on this thingy, and then rubbed this thingy, below my thingy, which gave an ultrasound of my thingy, and now I wish I had that thingy, to use on somebody else's thingy...but not somebody who has something that looks like my thingy! It was crazy dude...but we came out ok. I got a prescription and a pat on tha back to get more Iron in my life. And I'm thinking, "Dude, I just got back into lifting, give me 3 more weeks and u'll see some real iron!"
Got my medicine from CVS, and I felt like it was a night to forget and remember. Also considering I caught the bus home from the hospital. Trying to lay in a Zee formation on the Miami-Dade Transit is a tad difficult. And then u hear that same voice that reminds you how far u actually are from home over tha speakers...
"Forty...First Street....And...............Indian Creek Drive."
Fudge! I got 30 more minutes on this thing, I should have walked. Then u got tha bus driver pulling over getting sandwiches and slushes...not cool...Funny! But not cool dudes and dudettes.
Alright. I'm going to go and hide my face...once again, after another embrassing night in our diary. I don't know why I tell all these stories, I guess we feel like we have nothing to hide. About our life, our wild love life, our dreams....If ur gonna hear about it, might as well hear it from tha kid himself. And if u've been reading our stuff, u'll see that we're one of a kind. Truly one of a kind.
Now...I wonder if Ebay is selling that gel....
Austino Galaxia.
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