Hollywood Nights.

(Tha Setting:  1960s Hollywood, California)



Tha night was like....What a minute, I don't get no jazzy musical cue.

(Sorry, here's your musical cue sir.)

Now, that's better.  Where were we?...Ah, yes.  Tha night was unlike any I've ever seen here in Los Angeles.  The Lakers just beat tha Celtics behind tha dynamic scoring of West and Baylor.  Elvis just made a pop up performance out in tha Hollywood Bowl.  Can't believe how much attention he gets from moving those hips.  Maybe I should try...(Crash! Crash!)  Ooops, then again, considering I'm knocking over stuff in my office, perhaps I shouldn't.  Plus, I just got a tip that Ann-Margret is out on Sunset living it up, like any hot 20 something Swedish actress should.  Me...(Flick!)...I was stuck here in this office of mine off of Wilshire Blvd.  With nothing to do, but smoke me a stick and wonder how am I gonna be able to pay tha milkman on next week.  Business has been slow, it seems like tha profession of a Private Investigator is going tha way of black and white televisions.  With all these newspapers, especially from tha likes of Variety...those scumbags.  It was I who first got tha info on the new James Bond flick.  That shoulda been my M.O., but no...Then you got all these photo people.  Who call themselves, I don't know Paparazzi.  They'll never be able to make money by taking pics of celebrities.  This one guy told me that in tha future they are gonna be making millions by taking pics of these celebrities kiddos.   I laughed...(Puff.)...Never, that'll never happen.

(Crackle!.....Crackle!....Crackle!)

They say it never rains in Southern California, but...(Puff.)  They lied, and they definitely lied on that drippy night when my life changed.  How so?  (Puff.)  

(Crackle!)

Let me explain.  So I was in my office, and I heard three knocks at tha door.  (Knock!  Knock!  Knock!)  I had my back turned as I was going over some old files on Jimmy Hoffa, while tha radio was going over tha late evening news.  I immediately responded with a 'Come in.'  All I could hear were heels clicking over towards my desk, I then turned around in my chair and saw this stunning lady standing directly over me.  Now I've seen a lot of dames in my time, but this one was unique...exotic.  She wore a low cut red dress with matching heels and white stockings.  A bear faced fur wrapped over her shoulders.  She wore this hat that had here faced covered almost in nylon material.  She wore the most amazing perfume I've ever smelled, it just reeked trouble.  Yes...And I love trouble.  This broad looked straight off of a Bergdorf Goodman Christmas catalog.  Plus she had a long cigarette in her hand, to match her long legs.  I was in love...In love.

"I hear that you are a Private Investigator."

Those were tha first words that rolled off of her mouth, before she took a puff of her cigarette.

'Yes...Yes, I am.'

"Well, I need some help, and you are tha only one who's open in this part of town.  Are you willing to help a dame in distress?"

As her lips curved ever so slightly, and as she dipped closer to my seat, I began to...Hey, fellas you can stop tha 1960s Jazz music now...

(Zip!)

Thank you.  Now, once again, where was I...Oh, I began to wonder if this rainy night was gonna be tha kind that becomes tha defining moment of a man.  Desire and Pleasure all wrapped up in curves and bumps.  For tha time being I decided to keep everythang kosher, just like Sandy Koufax would like it, and let everythang play out as is should.  And boy did it ever.

'Well, I've been known to help many dames in distress, but my price may be out of you league hun.  See, you can bat your little eyes, and shake your pom-poms all you want, but if you don't have tha mu-lah...There's nothing I can't do for you.'  (Puff.)

With that she opened up a black bag that had two white C's cris-crossing each other, I have no idea what those C's mean, but she pulled out a purple envelope and slid it on my desk.  I'm used to tha white envelopes that you can pick up for about 30 cents at your local Ace hardware store, but this purple one, showed she meant business...Big business.

"(Puff!)  That's all tha money that you will need.  And for this job that is at hand, that should cover every expense possible."

I just love a lady who knows what she wants, how to get what she wants, and how to get what she wants from who she wants it from.  They just don't make women like that anymore.  Elizabeth Taylor, Mae West, Betty Boop...those are tha last of a dying breed, I tell ya.  And I guess, I can throw this beauty that was standing right in front of me, into tha same class.

'I see, that you came well-prepared.  So....(Glancing through tha envelope...)...This is a lot of money you have here lady.  You either come from a very well-off family, or you do know some men in some very high places.'

How she smiled at me let me know that she was used to dealing with all tha high rollers.  I've been around this type all my life.  Tha women who can get anythang from a man, by just a simple wink and glance.  Tha kind who is tha life of tha party, where every gal wants to be her, and every man wants to be in her.  But there was something different about this woman.  She had a motive...I could see it in her eyes...She had...a motive...Hey, Guys, that's when you are supposed to cue tha suspense music, right there, just like I we did in tha rehearsal.  Come on now.

(Ooops!)

Let's try that again...Ah-heem!...Ah-heeem!...But there was something different about this woman.  She had a motive...I could see it in her eyes...She had... a motive...

(Dun-Dun-Dunnn!!!)

Perfect.  That's why I luv working for Columbia Pictures.  But I wasn't prepared for what was to follow...

'I know some people.  Some very powerful people.  But let's just put the pickle spread over the crackers and get right to tha point. I came over here on this very thunderous and rainy night, because I need for you to follow somebody for me.'

"Alright."

'His name is Galaxia.  Austino Galaxia, and I have a feeling that he's...he's....(Sniff...Sniff)....Whaanhhh....'

And I sat there wondering who could bring such a perfect specimen to such overwhelming tears.  The last time I've seen somebody cry so hard was when they showed tha last episode of The Little Rascals.  I could not just sit there and let this magnificent dame just leave a track of tears from here to Pasadena, so I walked around my desk, and let her soft body just fall into my arms.  Any man would luv to be entrapped in this scene of reality, but me...this moment would become more.  This moment would transform me to a mission...A mission that would take me to places I've never been before...A mission that would take me to accross this great nation of ours...A mission that would end in...Miami Beach, Florida.  Hey, do you guys think I overdid it right there.  Like should I have led in with something about palm trees or Jackie Gleason, it was Ok?  Great, hey it's was a long night on tha town, they had a 2-for-1 at tha Beverly Hills Hotel, and whenever Jayne Mansfield and Marilyn are in tha same place, you know its gonna be a wild, wild party!  Ok, stop me if I mess up...

(Puff.)

So where were we...Yes....So I did some research on this Galaxia guy.  Called up every source I had here in town.  Telegraphs, hand-typed letters, photographs, I used tha best technology available to ramp up every piece of info on this doofus.  There were late nights, much of which were spent with this mystery lady aforementioned.  We talked about her past, my career, why tha Dodgers shoulda never left Brooklyn, or threw ideas of  how it would be cool if you could communicate to somebody accross tha world via a computer of some sort...those conversations, and those hot dogs from Pink's are what made this task even more special.  I got energy from her.  And it was all in tha name of digging up every piece of info from tha girl he used to bump bootys with during high school marching band to why he stole that book of fun facts on America back in Elementary school.  I left no stone unturned. Then something happened...

(Ah...We don't have that video footage.)

What do you mean you don't have tha video footage?

(We don't have it.)

Well, there you have it.  We lost tha video footage.  This is why I hate working for Columbia Pictures.  This stuff never happens to other Private Eye's like Dick Tracy or heck even Daffy Duck for that matter.  Oh well...But something happened on this one peculiar evening....See...

(Puff.)

Me and this mystery lady were in tha office.  And I just found some poems in Galaxia's files about some very enticing women in his life.  When I got a phone call.  It was from this lady named Francis.  A very lovely, and attractive lady who happens to be in tha know out in that South Florida area.  She told me that Galaxia just left with a woman who was dressed black from tha hospital.  'Hospital?!?', is what my companion quizzically shouted. For we all knew that this guy was in tip top shape, like Wilt Chamberlain or Joe Namath, how could he end up in tha hospital.  So Francis went on to tell me intimate details about him having swollen balls and...

(Ahhh...I don't think the censors aren't gonna allow you to say that on the air.  If Barbara Eden gets slammed for showing her belly button on I Dream of Jeannie, then u can bet, the head honchos aren't gonna allow that language from you.)

Well, there ain't no other way to put it.  So, I guess Francis went on to tell me of how his family jewels were all swollen.  And how he was accompanied by this hot and sexy girl of Sin, and how he had to take ultrasound tests with Spanish Soaps going on in tha background with tha television.  Francis broke down every single detail, even to the point of him leaving and being picked up around 2am in tha morning.  I tell you, I got nothing but tha best around me.  Nothing but tha best.

'I...I...don't know what to say?  I mean, What shall we now do?'

Now we got some hands down evidence that this Galaxia guy has been not only breaking her heart, but has been dipping his French Fry in Barbecue Sauces all over tha country.  And now...it has finally caught up to him.  But tha news was too tough for my sweetheart to bear.

'Just leave him alone.  (Sniff.)  Just leave him alone.'

And with that she walked out these here doors, and never returned.  And me...I was left devastated knowing that tha love of my life just walked out of those doors, and back into a world that's not made for her.  She's too good for that Galaxia guy, and for creeps like him.  See, let me tell you about guys like him.  I gotta get a glass of some brand new bottle of Chardonnay for this one.  I said, I wasn't gonna open this up until a man lands on tha moon, and that doesn't look like it's ever gonna happen, so might as well used this...on this Galaxy guy.

(Drip...Drip...Drip...Drip....Drip...Drip...Ah, what tha heck....Drip....Drip...Drip....Drip....)

That's good.  Let me grab a seat..."I've got you...under my skin...I've got you..."...I luv that song.  Alright.. Got my wine, and my seat, so let's get real.  See....

(Ahhh!...That's a very good year there.)

You see, all these guys like Galaxia think they are invincible.  Riding around town on Vespa cycles like they are in Italy, while writing all this prose like he's tha next coming of James Baldwin, and then they get caught up with all these women that fall for him like he really cares.  Ladies, he doesn't give two Quaker oats about you.  Don't be fool by this guy or others like him.

(Gulp!...Ahhhh!  Yeah, that really hits tha spot.)

I'm a Private Eye, and I've seen this episode happen so many times, that it makes me sick.  SICK I TELL YA!  Gorgeous women who are in love, and suspect that the man they are falling for or tha men that they come down the stairs dressed in lace and leather for, are cheating on them, or don't live the lifestyle they so perfectly seem to have.  Then I come in.  I hear they have some kind of Woodstock thing being planned as I speak, and hopefully that would change the attitudes of these people, but until then, don't come and see me unless you want me to stick it to them.  That's what I do best.   Austino Galaxia, I hear that your little 'thingy' is gonna be alright.  But I'm gonna be on you more than ever.  Not only did u make the lady I love cry, u made the lady that I love leave me, and for that I'll never forgive you.  You're my Yoko Ono!!

(Gulp!)

Oh...Oh...I'm starting to feel a little tipsy...Ha ha!  Ha ha!!...YOU'RE MY YOKO!! And to you, my mystery love...

(Gulp!)

I will always love you.  And what this episode has taught me best was this.  (Gul...)  Shucks tha bottle is empty?!! Oh well.  Was zhis episode zhas zhaught me, zwas zhis...Znever zrust a zwoman zwearing zred...Zands...Ahh...Znevers ztrust a guys zhose znamed zafters zhe zouter zspace...Zhe's znamed zafter zhe stars and zhe moon and zhe Jet-sons!  Why zhese women ztrust a guy zlikes zhat...ZAND last but znot last...Huh??? Oh...Last but znot zleast...Yep...I cans a do zhis...

Love's is likes ah...Love's is likes ah....

(Cut!!)


A.G.