(Click. Mailbox opening.)
Come on out, and I'll show you all tha bunnies and honeys that you could ever want ok?!! Telling you, it's gonna be cray...Huh. You said turn on tha TV. Wait a minute, I'm just opening up tha door. Alright, calm down...Calm down. What channel? You said, this Galaxia guy is on Channel 143. Got it. So what he's on TV chatting it up with Dawn Rossi so what? Bro, u are so wild bringing up all that old...Ha ha!...You silly. Yeah, Dawn was a wild one. Everytime I see a package of Twizzlers, I just think about how we had our own little late-nite primetime special. And when she tossed her shirt and brought out tha spray can of Cheez-It, I almost...Huh. He said WHATT?!!! I got to turn this thang up...
"....sooooooOOO IT'S NOT THAT MEN ARE INTIMATED BY THE BEAUTY OF A WOMAN. IT'S JUST THAT WE DON'T KNOW TRUE BEAUTY WHEN WE SEE IT. CUZ, DAWN, AND YOU SHOULD KNOW CUZ YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL SPECIMEN....DAWN, IT'S SOMETIMES LIKE THIS...LOVE IS A LOT LIKE APPLE JUICE FOR A LOT OF GUYS. FOR SOME IT CRINGES THEIR THIRST, WHILE FOR OTHERS IT JUST GOES RIGHT THROUGH THEM AND THEY (BEEP-BEEP) IT DOWN THE TOILET AND CAN'T WAIT FOR ANOTHER GLASS FROM A DIFFERENT TREE."
Yeah, I see him. He's freakin' horrible. I mean, what kind of analogy is that. Johnny Appleseed??? Come on'??
"....LOVE IS LIKE THE SKY. IT'S NOT HOW HIGH YOU FLY, BUT HOW LONG YOU ARE CAPTURED BY THA WINGS OF DESTINY. (Applause! Applause!) SEE, THEY SAY TRUE LOVE IS FOUND ON CLOUD 9, BUT THEY LIED...IT'S ON THA MOON. YOU KNOW WHY? CUZ WHEN IT SHINES AT NIGHT, IT ILLUSTRATES THA BEAUTY OF A WOMAN AFTER THA BREAK OF DAWN...AFTER THA LONG DAY AT WORK...AFTER THE MARATHON OF THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS GOES OFF, AND YOU'RE DEAD TIRED, BUT U THINK ABOUT U GOT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS ON THE X FACTOR...(Applause!)...AMERICA'S GOT TALENT...(Applause!)...AND THEN WONDER IF YOU FIND SOMETHING NEW TO LAUGH AT WHILE WATCHING MEAN GIRLS FOR THA 20TH TIME. THAT'S WHAT THA MOON'S GLOW REPRESENTS. (Applause!)"
How in tha heazzy is this guy even allowed to be on television? Look at Dawn, just touching and flirting all on him. He's a fraud.
"AND FOR YOU LADIES WHO ARE PREGNANT, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE FOR YOUR MAN, NOT TO PLEASE YOU RIGHT. AS I ALWAYS SAY, JUST BECAUSE THERE IS A BUN IN THA OVEN, DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T COOK ON THA STOVE! (Crowd Roar!!)"
He stole my line!!! HE STOLE MY....FREAKING...(Crash!)...LINE!! Huh...Oh, that was my box of Fruit Loops that went flying everywhere. I can't stand this guy. Huh. Alright, I'll holla at you later. (Beep.)
'There you have it ladies, Austino Gal...'
(Zip.)
How come he's on tha Talk Show circuit? I mean, he's just talking pure propaganda, and these people are falling for it. I look better...I talk better...I got more experience with tha ladies than he does. And I write better than him. You know what...I think it's time to prove it. Where's my....Pencil. And my pad has to be in this 'junk drawer'...Come on! Where's tha (-------) notepad at? Under all this mess that, next time Jenny sleeps over here, I'm gonna put her under strong surveillance to make sure that she don't mess with my stuff. Finally...Geez...It's time that I pull tha wool from this wolf's face. He's so fake. SO FAKE!! And I know all about him, and...Yeah, I'm gonna send this to that The LUV Network...Yeah, Yeah, then everybody would know. To make matters worse, since this faker likes to write poems, how about I come up with one of my own. (Pop!)
Alright, let's get this Sharpie to do its magic....
Dawn, do you remember me,
Tha guy that you met at Star Island for tha Magazine launch show.
Sorry, I didn't return your phone call, I've been quite busy,
Trust me, I didn't forget ur b-day...I still got a gift for you with a red bow.
That was one whale of a night, I must say,
I've heard it alot, but u showed me how Miami Senoritas get down.
Know that you're on TV and in all tha Magazines, but that didn't stop you,
No wonder that u leave guys who aren't worthy walking away with a frown.
You're top notch, in every single way,
We're gonna have to do it again, that I know for sure.
Next time come to my place, tha South Beach views are awesome,
And don't worry my water is extra clean, since I just got sponsored by Pur.
Everybody thinks you are a good girl, which is cool,
Although, you showed me it's true what they say about a Catholic school gal.
Bringing so many things I've never seen to our night of fun,
Tha only thing I could imagine lasting longer would be a streak by Ripken Cal.
This letter though, Dawn, isn't about tha two of us,
Or how much we are perfectly in sync whenever we Bang.
I was on tha phone with one of my boys, setting up this party,
Don't say a single word, u know being a party coordinator is just my thang.
As we were discussing this weekend of fun with Santa and his dolls,
He rushed me to go inside and turn on the TV channel.
I saw you, looking all good in ur red blouse and tight black skirt,
Those black stockings did u good...Glad 2 see u finally wear those Tory Birch sandals.
You were sitting next to this Galaxia fool, all google-eyed,
Like he has become the apple that you next want to take a bite.
Guys usually don't hate on other guys, but forget that,
We need to talk before you try to take his outer space flight.
My sources around Miami, are quite extensive, as you know,
Especially when it comes to those in tha papers and in tha blogs.
To be real, when it goes down, I'm usually tha first to know about it,
Like a black market bomb squad, who always has his group of sniff dogs.
Marino, Tubbs and Crockett, Mr. 305,
Yours truly knows about their whereabouts 24/7.
My sources are so good, I can even give u tha scoop on Jesus,
And I'm not talking about tha one in Hialeah, but tha one up in Heaven!
This Galaxia guy is too fishy, somebody u should stay away from,
He talks a good game about love, but he only wants sex.
Your probably thinking that's what I want from you as well,
True...But he hides it like a jumping bean in Tex-Mex.
Stay away from him, Dawny, I ain't lying,
All he does is break hearts and leaves a track full of tears.
He gets you all into a good conversation about library books,
And whatever u do, don't talk about music...He associates albums with years.
Nevermind...1991...The Blueprint...One after tha two thousand,
Then he'll try to make you laugh by throwing out tha name of Coolio.
Once he begins to mention The Spice Girls and Ace of Base,
U'll be waking up with ur bra next to you, sitting on his bed fleece throw.
As I met you, you told me how you like those "nice" guys,
Tha kind that would bring you flowers, and kiss ur lips everyday.
There have been rumors of Galaxia acting in this type of manner,
Whenever u hear that 'Beep'...Erase his text, cuz with ur mind he will play.
And don't be impressed about his lifestyle, and his gimmicks,
I can give u a gift unexpected if so I would to choose.
So what if he's giving Spa days, and sponsoring out of tha blue trips,
Hey, I mean heck my guy just gave me a hookup on tha play featuring Blue's Clues.
Still don't believe me, then let me explain further,
Every single week there's another episode with a beauty just like you.
Tha other day in Little Havana was another example of this,
U know he loves Hispanic women, why u think 3000 miles away from home he flew?!!
He may say that he loves all types of women, but don't believe him,
Looks are all he cares about...Everything else is Blah, Blah, Blah.
Doesn't care what u say, just as long as you look good,
I mean, Gaby Espino is tha only reason he sets his DVR at 10pm for Santa Diabla.
You'll just be another notch in his belt, Dawn, for real,
Sometimes you just need to stay away from guys like him.
He talks about true love, and writes a diary full of sexy lies,
But tha chances of him being true to you, are like roasting a pig to get slim.
Here's what I want you to do, please take notes,
Give me a call to hang out, and I'll show you a true thrill.
He may Skype you with a hug and kiss good night,
Or even when ur having a bad day, give u a needed back rub feel.
So what...You have everythang u need anyway,
U care about tha finer things, not this moves from a kid.
Louis V bags, with Michelle watches is every woman's desire,
Really?!! Can a hand written luv note truly win u his bid?
Those thangs are for amateurs, those less experienced,
The heart means nothing when u got money like me.
I can buy you anythang you want, and u know it,
You can hav tha Bentley of ur choice...Ain't like I don't have three.
He even uses my words to try to lure u into a trap,
How can you fall for somebody who's so two-face?
One thang I've learned in tha party business is this,
Sometimes tha vibe is determined by tha atmosphere of tha place.
I'm a paid mansion, he's more like a condo,
Sooner or later you're gonna have to pay those unwanted fees.
Better now than when he comes home with another former video vixen,
Walking in hand in hand, showing off her Tiffany jewels, and 36B's.
You'll be crying I should have listened to that guy, he knew,
Which is why I'm trying to steer you away from tha creep.
Stopping you from making tha biggest mistake of ur life,
There's a reason why he's never had a relationship go 4 quarters deep.
Nothing else left to say, u got my number,
Dawn, for real, you can do a whole lot better.
Would u like a guy who loves a boy in grade school?
Or makes you tickle without tha use of a feather?
You don't and you got tha real deal right here,
U got my number still, I know you do, just because.
I'll be expecting to hear from you soon, come to a party of mine,
Where ur life will be filled with money, fast cars, and a never ending fame buzz.
Signed....
Tha Man Who Can Buy You Tha World.
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