Let's try another one....
Flirt: behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intentions.
Huh....
Interesting. Either one or both of these words have been associated with so much Miami drama tha last few weeks and months that it hasn't even been funny. Boy, I feel like it might be one of those nights where I need to get me some Cog-"Yac" and sum Orange Juice and have a little sit down talk on this evening. Cuz we have some wild things that has been going on in our Galaxy worthy of a few minutes of our time.
We have had some wild encounters with some...strangers as of late. Many of which has us wondering what this life of ours is really gonna entail. Sexy girls just staring at you like they are in luv, to tha point where u have to mouth something, like "What's Up!" just to break up tha awkwardness. Does anybody know what I'm talking about?? Only to have them give u still that same blank stare...When I was working out like last week, I was in tha middle of one of our circuits between bench press to Bosu Ball pushups immediately to a set of Pull-Ups, when after I got done with that Short Circuit robot, I was walking back to tha bench press and this guy was like staring at tha bar. At first, I was about to shout, "Bro get ur own weights dude! That Bit...I mean, that bench is mine." I'm walking over trying to gather myself for another display of South Beach arrogance, and he asks me how much weight is on tha bars, and he asks if he could try to get in a few reps of it. Mind you, this is in tha middle of my workout...So we were cool, and he pumped up a few, and then he spoke a few words like in admiration of our workout. This other guy was on tha side looking on laughing, cuz it was kind of wild to see all this go down, but after he left, I just sat down thinking...Our life...Our life.
It's like why do things have to be so complicated, u know. We've gonna through so many things, and we just wonder when will it all just become clear like some 3M transparent tape. Why does somebody u don't even know shout to you as ur on ur Vespa, "You're gonna be a Millionaire one day." Or how come you go to a sandwich shop, and there's a customer ahead of you, and you are the one who's order is basically being taken care of. That happened to me tha other day, almost to tha point where it got weird cum this guy in a shirt and tie was looking like, 'What's Up or who's that guy?' When inside I'm like, 'Guys don't worry about me, take care of tha gent who was here first.' Our life can be really complicated. We want to one day rule tha Galaxy so to speak. But what I'm getting at is that we have all these trials and situations that lead you to believe that one day its gonna come true, but still u ain't got "it" just yet. From girls telling you while ur driving, "I really luv your ride."...Or once a girl with her man on a motorcycle, telling me she wants to have sex on my ride...Its crazy...just crazy.
This is just real talk on tonight. Period. Cuz we don't know if this diary has given a real, and I do mean REAL insight to what we see or go through on a daily basis. Huh...Guess its time to reveal some of our grandest episodes while living down here in South Beach. Those two words above stand as tha basis for this list, so let's see what have we observed that has led us to us being so wacky. Some of which may have been told before, others might not have been uttered ever before. This is a sample, cuz there's no way I can tell it all, so we'll just let this post breathe and speak how it wants to speak...Matter of fact, I'll let him tell tha story....I need 2 use tha bathroom...
Enjoy.
'So finally this crappy guy is letting me spill tha beans, without him going all clickety-clack on me 100 times per minute. This Galaxia guy. I can't believe he allowed a freakin' phone get air time before me. Amazing. Here I am doing my best Ebony and Ivory impression and after 2 and a half years he's just coming around to tha one who makes this whole 'Galaxia' thang possible. And he's only allowing me time allotted to how long he's using tha toilet. Typical Miami Guy. Wants all tha attention...No wonder he's single. Just an Arrogant buffoon. I know we have some things we have to get to, but after this long, I gotta get some stuff off my LCD. You guys know how many times I've been offered a job by The New York Times. Huh. Tha Wall Street Journal. Huh. Hugh Hef is about to start a magazine called Big Dots and Larger Jots, who do you think he called first?? I've sacrificed so much for this Austino Galaxia fellow. So much and now he's....
Whatever. I guess like a nice and good "Di-a-ree" quote unquote, I'll play by tha rules. Then on top of that he gives me a crummy topic. Who starts off a post looking up definitions of Complicated and Flirt. THEY DON'T EVEN BLOODY GO TOGETHER!! Sorry, but when I'm mad, that Brit in me comes out. Let's get to this thang, and I'm gonna tell you some episodes that you might remember hearing and those that you haven't. Or as we say in tha print business, those episodes that "failed to make tha 5 O'Clock deadline." But if u could only see what I've seen, Galaxia is haven't a tough time making tha one minute deadline as well, if you catch my driff....Hee Hee! And he says he luvs British women...Child...Please!! I know a lot of WAG's and dolls over there, and believe u me, that ain't thinking about getting with nobody who can't stroke like Big Ben and who can't make them wet like Tha River Thames. Ok?!!! This is unfiltered so grow up....Now where was I...
Now I have had tha honor, and believe u me I cringe as I say that, of being tha stenographer for many of this Galaxia's guy's craziest episodes. What a journey it has been. I know he wants me to save tha stories involving tha females for tha Flirt part of tonight, so I...guess I will. Whatever, who really cares about his luv life anyway. He hasn't been on a real date since...'
(Flush!)
Whadda you got? Have you finished talking about tonight's subject?
'Well, I haven't gotten started yet. You are so high maintenance that it takes me three paragraphs just to give you a bloody lead in. I could have crumpets and tea with tha Queen just during tha introduction time on ur name alone.
U are so lucky, that I'm in a nice mood right now. I'm gonna try to figure out what to eat for tonight. Just...Just tell them tha stories...Tha stories!!!
'Now you see why I'm holding out for when David Beckham needs a diary writer right?!! Tha first email received by Becks and I'm Audi 5000!! Quicker than a season of Are You Being Served?
Alright...
So as u read, this Galaxia fellow sees himself as some kind of "Star". Thinks everythang revolves around him. But I have some of his most embarrassing moments as well. Like him riding on his Vespa in tha Parking garage of The Village of Merrick Park over in Coral Gables...Speaking of which I have to stop by Burberry to pick me up Burberry printed keyboard. Why I'm so tired of this white dull thang. Galaxia promised me after tha first month....But anyways...Your Galaxia was riding through tha Parking Garage and as he was passing through tha booth, tha parking gate came crashing down on his head. Leaving yours truly, and his LX 50 laying on tha ground like a stuntman scene from a movie starring Jason Statham. How funny! And he got up acting like nobody saw him...Now we saw him, and now u know as well. He can't drive...Period.
Galaxia has been known to be a huge Klutz. I've seen him fall out of chairs, fall out of beds, break beds in tha middle of tha night, his showroom is just littered with stories. I was there when tha ceiling of his bathroom collapsed. I kept telling him to stop taking those long showers, but...he refused. Next thang I know it...Ka-Boom! Just like on Inspector Gadget. Actually that was a tough day, because that was tha same day his car got hit as well. No sob stories here, let's get into some more juicy stuff...
Complicated...Complicated...Ahhh....Ah-ha! Well, he's very complicated actually. I'm not bragging or anythang but I have graduated from tha University of Oxford with tha highest possible honor given to a diary. But tha language that Galaxia uses. I have been key-handled into using such low life language such as:
- Homeboy, Homegirl and Homie
- Freakin'...I'm from Bloody London just say tha F-in thang. We do on tha @#!&$@! BBC TV.
- Love and Fun...How Blaaaand.
- My Guy...I mean Who is That Guy anyway?
- H-E-Double Hockey Sticks....Really, Can somebody tell me who was his English Teacher?
Oh, and how he talks about Sex and body parts has been embrassing for me and my profession. I know that tha toodles are reading this diary, but even they have to be shaking their head at this language of lunacy such as:
- Knockin' Tha Boots
- Preferring Pudding over Popsicle's
- Doin' Tha Fool
- Her Boobs, Puppies, Ooh-Wee's, Bubbles....Well, I added that one, and I'm sure he'll use that soon 2.
- Getting Ur Freak On...Isn't Halloween only one time a year?
- Playing Naked Twister...Naked Footsy....Who talks like this??
And I'm not even gonna get into tha music that he makes me hide throughout these posts. I'm used to the finest complications offered by the London Symphony Orchestra. And I've been forced, and I use that in ever meaning of the word, to play songs by...Usher...Yikes...Lada Gaga...Oh my, I think I'm about to throw up. Who else? Michael Jackson...He should've Moonwalked off the scene back in '87...Madonna...Now she's interesting biscuit if I've never seen one. See both of us actually had a deal with her back in the early 90s for a tell all diary book. We had everything signed and she went and made this picture thingy-ma-jig, and I was forced to look for other work. Which lead me to work for tha likes of Alvin from Alvin and The Chipmunks, Scary Spice from The Spice Girls, and Mark Morrison who made me keep a 372 day diary on the social impact on the song, "Return of The Mack". It was a dark period in my life. Around the same time Ini Kamoze wanted me to do the same thing with the song, "Here Comes The Hotstepper", but I flat out told him I'm afraid of Jamaicans. After all that I still ended up working for this...this...
You know my Mums still doesn't know what I do for a living over here in the United States. Me Pops one time told me of how both of them were having some Porridge, and Mum was discussing how much she hates the city of Miami, especially South Beach. And how she believes that place is the symbol of evil, ego, and lust. Saying how proud she is to know that her Chelsea born son, stays away from people and temptations that those areas bring. I've been pretty clean, but one night me and this Memoir got to know each other very, very well. We got to talking about life in the industry. And next thing I know both of us were on the counter top of the Downtown Library, and she was on top of me showing me both of her bookmarks, grabbing my stylus, and showing me why this Uncle Luke fellow voted her Wet Page Miami 2013. That's our little secret so you better not tell her I said anything, or else....
(Yawn!!) It's getting late...I guess you are sticking around like a Post-It note to hear some crazy stories involving Galaxia and this love life of future lure. Am I right? Let's see what haven't I spoke upon...There was this one week where just about every Nabisco that Galaxia came across rubbed her bosoms on him in one way or another. That was really wild, because Galaxia would see it coming, and sure enough, it happened. Crazy. Ah...Running into a girl who decline his invitation to hang out or take their friendship to the next level, only to see her with this little chap outside of Walgreen's was classic. She scurried so fast! Oh, sometimes it is cool to be around this Galaxia kid...I'm always eager to see how Galaxia approaches a girl who doesn't speak English. I know a few times where a girl has been giving Galaxia the look of love, and as magic appears to be in tha air, the sexy dame shakes her head or shrugs her shoulders like, "No English." Those times are priceless...
Episodes at the American Airlines Arena have been unique as well. From Heat Dancers to one time Galaxia entertaining four girls with four sets of eyes on him. Even I had to wonder how he did that because they did eerily look like those Chasing The Saturdays gals on the E! Network. He was blown away with tha carmel skin and blue eye Argentinian born beauty who I told him he messed up and should have gotten her number because they did have a lengthy conversation of great depth. But it is true, almost every week there is somebody new.
I could go into those might have been's but's...Like this one girl who lived here in South Beach, and was all geared to ride up to Palm Beach with Galaxia, but her Grandmother passed that week, so that was a mission terminated. Or the girls who have lived like right across from him in his apartment building. Spending a night with two dolls after their place got robbed...Seeing four models stay in this small studio directly across from him and Galaxia not know it. Talking about MUD on the face. Or Galaxia coming home to this girl standing flawlessly in a black swimsuit right in front of the front door, and with her accent, he was stunned. And I'm not even gonna get into this night...Well...
We wrote about it, this girl who quote unquote had a man, and I say that because it seems like a lot of girls have boyfriends but then when they are around Galaxia...then things get Complicated...And Flirty too. Yeay! But I was with Galaxia chillin', or hanging out, sorry it rubs off on you. We were talking about whether to put a post out to the Galaxy, when we heard knocks on the door. Galaxia was semi-dressed, he looked through the keyhole and then opened the door, and this stunning girl was standing there in nothing but a towel, asking about something that both he or eye don't even remember. I wished I had of taken a photo of the look on his face. Priceless. There's just too many instances to name, from Galaxia flirting with a 60 yr old woman at tha Walgreen's, although she did act and look young. I mean, she did have one fingernail painted an alternative color. To crazy episodes at clubs, gyms, sporting events, in classes, I've seen or have been told just about it all. How about that girl who stepped out of the pool, looking dead at Galaxia dripping wet of chlorine and...it was like a movie, I tell ya. Just like his love life is...A Movie.'
(Creeek! Click!)
What's up Homie! Did you use ur time wisely? You know you more than likely aren't gonna get this chance again, Dude.
'I just told them a few things. Nothing about some of your weird habits like how you only sleep on the right side of the bed, or refuse to eat cake or how you throw away clothes in the dumpster, or how you shave your pubic hair with the same razor you shave your...
Bro?!!! What has gotten into you?!! Give you a few lines to smoke and now you think you're all that huh?!
'I wish I had some lines to smoke dealing with you. People I got to go back to my Save and Publish role. But let me tell you this. This Galaxia guy he's something else. It has been a journey, and we might now be able to speak again like this, so if you never remember anything else remember this...
Whenever you are around this guy beware...Because you are becoming a part of history. But don't worry, I tell the story just how it should be told. And nobody does storytelling like me...Absoultely...
Nooobody. Cheerio Mates.'
-----.
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